Really. Sorry. About. This. You Guys. (Does Eminem doo it for yoo?)

Member Name: Peakly

Product:	Does Eminem doo it for yoo?
Date:	05/07/01 (121 review reads)
Rating:

Advantages: n/a

Disadvantages: n/a

BBBBBBBOOOOORRRRIIIIINNNNNGGGGGG

Nah, not him, the opinion. I don’t want to write this for Christ’s sake, stop me! <Sigh> It’s 01:58 (time of writing, not posting), I’m not even a bit sleepy, and I might be going insane. Um, I just read an Eminem op (I always scan through the new music ops at night, leaving snotty comments), so I figured I should do one too. I’m filled with that special feeling of uncertainty, that this opinion will even been finished, let alone posted. I have a hundred of ‘em, gathering dust on my hard-drive. It’s like an opinion graveyard or something. I might just be talking to myself, I could just… Wait! My reluctance to start talking about Eminem has already annoyed you to the point where you may simply give up or rate SU! Ah, fluck it, who cares. Game on.


Um, I know – imagine this:

A generation from today/away, and although the basic drive of our sentiments remain the same, the finer details differ. We still think fondly of our childhood, and of the naïve little things we did, and of then-terrifying white-lies we were told. Today, we tell the half-truth of the story conceived by our Grandparents/Parents/Elder Sister, which was designed to scare us for our own good – something like ‘if you go outside/talk to strange men/cut the other kids, then the boogey-man will get ya!’. Now, it’s Eminem. Eminem beneath the bed. Eminem in the toy-cupboard. Don’t spill your juice Timmy! Don’t you dare spill that juice Timmy! Eminem will come Timmy! He’ll rap in your ear and gently inhale your soul Timmy! Timmy, Timmy nooooooo!

Jeez. Imagine that.

Eminem is a big fat target. Above him circles a plane, full of pizzed off parents. They’re angry at him for hurting their children. Their plan, is to pull down their trousers, whip out their bits and pieces and urinate on him, so that his
eye-balls burn. Poor, poor fools. Eminem turns your urine to liquid gold, and from it he fashions new clothes, and cars, and dancing women, which he uses to help sell his image, upon which the success of his music relies. Success among the young, that is, who thrive upon your disapproval… really, you’re urinating on your own children, and that’s illegal.

Your only comfort should be that Eminem will be in your child’s life for a mini-second, but you’ll be there for ever. I wonder who’ll do more harm.

And what about that music! Huh?

“Despite the controversial nature of his raps, Eminem is a talented and quick-witted lyricist. His sense of rhyme and rhythm is both…”

- Shhhhhhhhhhhhh. You’re not being clever by trying to convince us the man is a poet misunderstood in his time! Are we expected to ‘wow’ at the fact he can make words rhyme? That’s his job. It doesn’t disguise the blatant sensationalism of his every action, nor the obvious, easy figures he chooses to insult.

“His raps are well wicked! They’re giving the kids something fresh, raw and genuine for a change! Eminem is keeping it real, not like all these pop acts!”

- I see. So you’re saying that Eminem’s world is real, and the kids sense that. My God you’re right – Eminems younger fans in the dales of Northumberland, can really relate to his description of a traumatic middle-America white-trash upbringing. Countless 13 year old across the globe are giving a sigh of relief, that an artist finally understand their drug-abuse, wife-beating inclinations and ‘unwanted’ media attention. They are glad that finally someone out there is speaking the truth about how naff boy bands are, and how angry they are at critics who don’t buy their pre-conceived, bottled-angst, fabricated aggression bullsh*t. Yes, I
’m sure the kids like him because he’s political, and because he raps about the kind of things they experience!



Alternatively, Eminem could be a big pile of poo. He’s poo, you’re poo, his fans are poo and his haters are poo.

REASONS WHY EMINEM IS POO:

He enforces the worrying message that it’s cool to walk around like life’s handed you a bad deal. Instead of cherishing and making use of his fame, which, incidentally, is undeserved, he uses it to further inflate his ego and increase his bank balance. Instead of kissing the feet of every honest-to-god musician, who’s song-writing talents and voice can never compensate for their unattractiveness or lack of ‘style’, he waves guns around and engages other equally pathetic musicians to a ‘battle of words’ through his songs. He is deliberately offensive, sensationalist and extravagant – even though he has no lack of talent to disguise. The potential of his lyrical ability is seemingly limit-less, yet instead of doing something worth-while, he chooses to roll around in his own sweaty self-indulgence, whining like a child.

REASONS WHY YOU’RE POO:

You’ve read this much of this poorly structured, confusing, careless opinion, despite realising a while ago that I’m not taking anything too seriously.

REASONS WHY HIS FANS ARE POO:

Far from being in any way obligated to justify why or why not they like any particular artist, Eminem’s fans seem to have the annoying habit of offering an explanation of their admiration prior to you even asking. This is immediately suggestive of a deep lack of conviction and strong denial on their part – the more intelligent will try to suggest he is an important, honest, misunderstood artist, while the less intelligent will simply insist that he has ‘wicked songs’. The deadly combination of an unprovoked defenc
e and one of the lame arguments above, form a fairly transparent window – revealing what was always obvious. Eminem’s younger fans are attracted to his exciting, bad-boy, anti-rules, anti-censorship, anti-aunty image. Yes, they enjoy the sound of his music, but what makes them fans of HIM, despite his repulsive behaviour, is his controversial reputation and unpredictable tongue. Elder fans enjoy saying they like him because really elder people shouldn’t, and so they appear young at heart and broad-minded to other people. Young adults still grasping at the fleeting heels of their childhood will tend to side with Eminem over The Rest Of The World’s Grown-Ups, since they still remember faintly what it is they used to despise and who they vowed never to become.

WHY EMINEM’S HATERS ARE POO:

Because they achieve the exact opposite of their aims, and that’s just stupid. It is the angered parents that make sure Eminem has a temporary place in their child’s affections, it is the angered parents that make sure he receives all the attention that he receives. It is their disapproval that ensures his success, and it is their stubborn assault that will pro-long his reign. They dance for him, and, in some ways, are really the biggest fans of all. They make him their scapegoat, but they fail. Like to think you’re educated? Then watch South Park: The Movie – it says this much better then I ever could.


FINALLY, DISPITE ITS ABSENSE FROM THE ORIGINAL LIST, WHY THIS ENTIRE DEBATE IS POO:

In a period of time, a copy of this opinion could be quite easily uncovered, and never understood (without research). In a slightly shorter length of time, it could be uncovered, and laughed at. Those periods are about 15 months and 12 months respectively. Remember Elvis, why don’t ya? The way the world fainted when he moved his groin – and how, today, most of us do imitations of the
same dance. Well Eminem is no Elvis, and we’ll get over him much, much quicker. Leonard Peltier’s in jail, and we’re talking about Eminem. People walk miles in the heat for black water, and we’re talking about Eminem. I’m talking about Eminem. I might as well sit cross-legged by a stream, and waffle on endlessly about every passing twig or streaming fish, ignoring the fact that the tree I’m resting on is slowly dying, and I myself need a sweater and a drink.

My point, is that he doesn’t matter. Big Brother doesn’t matter, Coronation Street doesn’t matter. The whole Eminem ‘thing’, gets so much attention, and why? Is his success a mystery? Is the whole thing so hard to figure out?

I’m aching, all over. I’m exhausted, I can’t sleep. I don’t care about Eminem, or what he does, or who he offends, or what he might be doing to our children. Actually, I don’t care that much about Leonard Peltier either. I’m just so very weak and tired. And maybe, when I awake tomorrow from a pebble-dash-roller-coaster few hours rest, I’ll still find myself not caring. And maybe, when I have my own children, I’ll still not care about Eminem, or whoever is the bogey-man of the time. Maybe I’ll just want them to know who the real heroes are, and maybe, I’ll just want them to sleep.


Does Eminem dO it for me?

No. Now please, just go away.

Summary: