SUSPEND all your belief systems and breathe deeply, that's right, in, 2, 3, out, 2,3. Have you got your ID badge on now? We wouldn't want you to get lost.....

So you made it here to Sunnydale California, which is apparently over a Hellmouth, so my friend Buffy told me. These Americans they'll believe anything!
Was your flight all right? Hey anyhow’s you can tell me about that later, there's so much to see.

Well, there are seven tents, all colour coded, look in the guide. oh you haven't got one? There you go mate.

Tent 1 : Heroes of Music. Colour: Gold.

The acts:

The Beatles circa late 1970's. John Lennon and Paul McCartney have resolved their differences. John has recently divorced Yoko Ono and needed a break. They open with I am The Walrus, Come Together, Norwegian Wood and Across The Universe.

The Rolling Stones
Circa the same era. Mick is still devilishly attractive. My Mum once met them when she served Sugar Puffs to Brian Jones (TRUE STORY). They sing Paint it Black, Sympathy for The Devil and Wild Horses, then Mick disappears in search of a young chick named Buffy.

The Doors

Jim swaggers onto stage early evening. He's been hanging around with some dude called Spike all morning; he comes up to me and tells me he thinks this place is pretty cool. He then performs all the songs from self-titled album and dedicates Twentieth Century Fox to me. By now I am on my third roll of film.

OK so having heard the glorious three, you're feeling a little hungry and all your alcohol is nearly gone. So we head to the refreshments section, just across from the High School.

We have a plethora of Fast Food chains, all the usual suspects apply, but also there is food supplied by my Nain (Grandmother) who was just about the best cook I have ever come across. There are also dishes from my local curry house.

On the beverage side, there is a
tent sponsored by Smirnoff Vodka, Guinness and Jack Daniels with about every alcoholic beverage a person can dream of. Of course you have to show your proof of age ID card.
Specialty vodka heaven.

Once you've had your fill, we saunter to the second tent. Hang on, don't fall asleep just because your belly is full, it's hot and your feeling the effects of all that booze, I told you to slow down, we have a whole weekend....


Tent 2: The Diva Tent Colour : Scarlet

Madonna.

The crowd jostles us as the first act begins. She looks up and waves at us, just as she grabs the microphone. She winks and begins to sing Like A Virgin. She confided in me that she didn't want to sing the earlier material, but after sharing a few tequila slammers, she agreed to play Like a Virgin, Holiday, Get Into The Groove, True Blue and Erotica alongside her later work.

Aretha Franklin.

By now the crowd are going wild and although a few seemed quite puzzled by this combination. They are none the less amazed when Madonna later joins Aretha on stage for Natural Woman.


Dido.

After drinking so much vodka, I simply burst into tears as she sings with a voice like honey through her entire No Angel CD.
The crowd calls for an encore and she obliges
with Thank You.

By now we are getting more than a little sleepy and so we trundle off to bed... praise be to those nice fellas at Mr. Muscle who sorted out the nice clean portaloos.

WAKE UP. It's time to go Indie.

We wake bleary eyed and smile as we recall the days of Madchester. Oh isn't that Bez by the Drugs Tent? I hope he doesn't get too cained he's on stage later.

Tent 3: Indie Colour : Orange

The Stone Roses

" Arrogant tosser!!!!" I yell as Ian Brown slides onto the stage. He laughs and replies " Shut it Williams". John Squire shakes his head and begins play
ing the glorious Waterfall.
Is it too early for vodka I think? My boyfriend has gone to get us a fry up each, the sun is shining, and life is good. I settle for a Guinness as they play She bangs the drums and Sally Cinnamon. They leave triumphant with Fools Gold ringing in my ears

The Charlatans

Tim Burgess mumbles something incoherent into the mike. I don't even try to comprehend. I just grin so much my cheeks hurt as they give us Weirdo, The Only One I Know and Soul Saver.

The Happy Mondays

' Oh no here comes trouble' I think as the crumpled Shaun Rider burps rather loudly into the mike. Bez has lost his maracas this morning while playing football with some strange looking bloke who introduced himself as The Master. He has a tambourine to use through Kinky Afro and Step On.

I turn to you and ask you if you’re ok, you nod your head looking somewhat dazed. You didn't expect this to be quite so much of a mission. I can see it in your eyes, but say nothing as we head to the alternative tent.

Tent 4. Alternative Colour Navy Blue

' Hey Jo, who's that strange looking bloke over there?'
I reply ' That's Captain Beefheart, the first act you twonk, I laugh and find a good spec.

Captain Beefheart and His Magic Band

Most people in the tent are looking quite confused. While others have a glint in their eyes, like the anticipation of a small child on Christmas day. Captain Beefheart is weird. A genius but he makes Frank Zappa look sorta normal. As soon as he opens with the psychedelic Blue Jeans and Moonbeams, I can hear the crowd draw in a collective breath of wonder.

Beck

How do you follow a weird genius but with another of their kind. Beck starts with the deliciously folky sound of his earlier stuff, but then soon changes the mood with the phenomenal Peaches and Cream. I am by now rather intoxicated and grab my boyfriend and giv
e him a good old snog. You have wondered off to get some Italian food and luckily don't see this disgustingly public display of hormones.

Gorky’s Zygotic Mynci

I wave my Welsh flag at Euros the lead singer and he replies in Welsh. I don't have a clue what he said because I haven't spoken Welsh in years. Some blonde Welsh bird starts shouting in my ear ' Oh my God'.
I hope that this appearance will make them more popular as I dance to the gloriously laidback Patio Song. I think this might be the break they've been waiting for.

Tent 5: Folk Colour: Purple

Come on, come on she's starting. I just know I'm going to cry as I look up and see the slender golden figure of,

Joni Mitchell

' Glad you could make it you guys.' she smiles and strums the opening chords to Chelsea Morning. We sit like statues, cross-legged, listening to her gossamer voice. The tent has the stillness of an almost religious experience.

James Taylor

By now, we are so chilled out that I can't feel my muscles anymore. The air is heavy with the fragrance of weed and happiness.
I melt into the waves of his voice as he delivers Fire and Rain.

Jimmy Buffett

All of a sudden there is a change in atmosphere as a hoard of people burst into the tent. Jimmy Buffett is huge in America. The mood is broken as I sit cheek to cheek with a drunk old man called Bud, but I don't care. Jimmy Buffett is even funnier when you're stoned. I whistle and laugh as the familiar sound of Were you Born an Asshole?
begins.

By now it is late evening and my feet are hurting but I am too exhilarated to care much at all.

We go into the penultimate tent. I am so sad this is nearly over. The whole experience has washed over me like a tidal wave; I hope you feel the same way too as we enter.

Tent 6. The cream of British music Colour: Silver

The Sm
iths.

“AAAAAAAAAAARGH it's really him!!!!!” I scream and scream until you have to slap me in the face. I don't take it personally, but Morrissey gives me the evil eye as they launch into Charming Man. I have no flowers to throw so I take my bra off and throw that instead. Johnny Marr is hit in the face, but carries on playing. What a professional.

Radiohead.

Thom casually sips some herbal tea, while Johnny tunes his guitar. I think I'm going to explode if they don't get their arses in gear soon. The feeling is electric. They don't disappoint his voice is as beautiful and as sparkly as the biggest diamond in the world. I am an emotional mess. Let’s hope the final act doesn't start with an emotional song.

Primal Scream.

My heart is going to break. They open with Cry Yourself Blind. The bastards. I warned Bobby that makes me cry. But the snot and the tears are forgotten as soon as Moving On Up and Swastika Eyes are played.

So, by this time, we smell, we have stains of various types all over our clothes; we've seen it all. Now let's go to mosh. You heard me. Now drink that can of Red Bull and pull yourself together. It's the last tent. The last tent.


Tent 7. The Mosh Pit Colour: Bronze

Now I know this is going to hurt. I just know that I'm going to lose some hair, some teeth or something, but do I care? You look uneasy, I pass you another drink as my boyfriend tries to talk to the roadies, The idiot, you take him to a world class gig and he talks to the staff.

The Foo Fighters

Starting off slow I see, only minor madness ensues, a couple of bruises, that's all as Dave et al blow us away with Monkey Wrench. He looks troubled when he spots Courtney Love at the side of the stage. 'The Foo Fighters Rock' you shout as we wait for the second act to begin.

Nine Inch Nails

Dear Lord, Trent has the
charisma of a python. My head starts spinning, I can feel the adrenalin surge. You look me, knowing what's going on, you've read my top ten, so you know this is the moment I have been waiting for... Closer.

Rage Against The Machine.

Do I have the energy for this? I am not going to even bother trying to take any photographs and as I feel something hard hit my head, I feel a warm sticky feeling and you scream 'Call 911 you bastards!!!!' I close my eyes with a smile and think if I'm going to die at least I've seen it all.

It's two weeks later now; I only spilt my head open. No need to fuss. As we sit and pour over the photographs I wink and say same time next year right, I hear the line up is going to be even better!