"A broken spoon can become a fork." (LT's Theory of Pets (Audio Cassette))

Member Name: nikkisly

Product:	LT's Theory of Pets (Audio Cassette)
Date:	12/12/01 (225 review reads)
Rating:

Advantages: See text

Disadvantages: See text

Stephen King writes horror books, right? Well, yes, but on this occasion, no, because "LT's Theory of Pets" is more humorous than horrific and more suspenseful than spooky. It's an audiobook, read by the master himself in front of a live audience at the Royal Festival Hall in London and, even if you hate audiobooks you're going to have to get past that if you want to explore LT's theories, since it has not been published in book form.

The single cassette has a playing time of approximately one hour and here comes my standard gripe. However talented a writer King might be, as a reader he usually just doesn't cut the mustard. (In a previous opinion, I likened his voice to that of Elmer Fudd and this offering has done nothing to change my opinion.) Considering that this is taped in front of a live audience, the sound quality is surprisingly good and you can hear every inflectionless word and drawled vowel to perfection. And I suppose that, at least by having the great Elmer - sorry, Stephen - read his own books you get the authors own interpretation and emphasis, although another reader might have injected more life into the reading. But, in this case, the laconic King is perfect for the job since his monotonous voice actually adds to the enjoyment of the book. It's funny - even very funny in parts - and, by not reacting vocally in any way to the laughs, King increases the humour, allowing the listener to laugh at him rather than with him. It's the audiobook equivalent of watching somebody very proper and pompous slip on a banana skin - it's totally unexpected and so all the funnier. The style of reading is po-faced and almost priggish, although whether this mode of delivery was intended, rather than simply King's normal laid-back way of speaking, is a matter for debate. Deliberate or happy accident, this time King is perfect for the job.

"LT's Theory of Pets" is expounded by a narrator an
d is the tale of LT and his wife Lulubelle. To all intents and purposes, they are (in LT's opinion, at least) a happily married couple. Until LT comes home from his work as a spam packer to find a note on the fridge saying that Lulubelle has left him.

Back in happier days, LT and his wife had bought each other pets as anniversary presents. She bought him a dog, named Frank, and he purchased a Siamese kitten called Lucy for her. However, by a cruel twist of fate, the dog hated its intended master and doted on Lulubelle, while the cat despised Lulubelle but loved LT. The respective pets get up to all sorts of mischief, seemingly deliberately intended against their owners. The dog pees on LT's clothes, vomits in his slippers and growls threateningly at him, while the cat meets Lulubelle's efforts at affection and friendship with unsheathed claws, spending her time fawning around LT or committing such domestic atrocities as shredding curtains.

Oh, this book is funny! Great, rip-roaring, pants-wetting, belly laughs type of funny on occasions, as King employs his undisputed talent for observation on the things that cause frustration and arguments between most married couples, even those who don't have psychotic pets. Things like leaving the garage door open, leaving the toilet seat up and even the way that men are seemingly unable to urinate without spraying everything within a six-foot radius of their intended target. Silly little things like LT's inability to remember what sort of terrier Frank is (Jack Daniels? Jack Robinson? Jack Rabbit? Jack S***?) Unusually for King, he plays it absolutely straight. There are no ghosties and ghoulies, no paranormal activities, no telekinesis and absolutely nothing from beyond the grave...

...except Lulubelle hasn't just left LT. She has taken her beloved dog (LT's dog, Frank, remember?) and literally vanished off the face of the earth. Thus the crux of the book is the narrato
r - a friend of LT's - wondering aloud what happened to her. Was she turning tricks or singing songs for truckers in a dive somewhere? Was she a victim of "The Axeman", a serial killer known to be active at the time and place of her disappearance? Or was there something more sinister behind LT's rueful account of the events leading up to her disappearance?

You'll have to play the tape to find out - if indeed you actually ever do find out which I'm not prepared to reveal. (Perhaps it's not a tape you should play in front of your children or your grandmother without at least listening to it yourself first since there are one or two naughty words.)

This offering will surprise fans of King since it effectively reveals a whole new side to the master of the macabre. He is observant, witty and more than capable of spinning an entertaining yarn without resorting to horror and the paranormal, the more usual tools of his trade. At first listening, I felt that the tape was over priced for a mere hour of entertainment. For £6.99, I would also have liked to hear the subsequent question and answer session mentioned by the author in his introduction to the reading - an introduction which is, by the way, particularly poor, with some heavy-handed attempts at humour by King which fall very flat. Since then, I have listened to the story again and again, extracting subtleties and nuances that I missed simply because I was laughing too loudly to hear them first time round. It's not horror. It's not comedy, although it is very funny at times. It's not even King as you would expect King to be. It's a tall tale that makes you laugh out loud, makes you think and leaves you wondering long after you've hit the eject button.

LT's Theory of Pets - Stephen King - Hodder Headline - ISBN 1840324171

Summary: