bang bang baby (Johnsons Baby Wipes)

Member Name: ryanando

Product:	Johnsons Baby Wipes
Date:	18/03/09 (122 review reads)
Rating:

Advantages: soft, strong, wet enough to deal with things

Disadvantages: pink packet

The weak of stomach / easily offended may wish to give up right here. I'm back, I'm drunk and I'm feeling bitter and twisted. And happy with it!

---Baby love---

Babies. Small messy little things. They get to burp and fart all over everyone you know. Puking is also a fun little past time for you. Just anywhere. Specially after a drink. The couch, your jumper, the inside of your oven... They cry at the most stupid times of the morning. They talk shit to anyone who will listen and can't walk in a straight line if at all. This annoys me. Mostly they annoy me because people don't think its cute when I shit myself in public and giggle sweetly about it. I get called an alcoholic and locked in a cell 'til I promise to play nice with the other children. Or at least stop trying to put them in the oven.

To add to my list of dislikes, they get all the cool stuff. Rainbow coloured bells, really comfy mats just so they can lye on the floor and stare at some funny shaped objects for an hour. I know many (friends not babies) who will do the same after a joint (which I, obviously, shout at them (babies, not friends) for since drugs are bad ).

---Since I lost my baby---

The thing I have discovered most recently that babies get the benefit of (other than being generally pampered constantly) is Johnsons Baby wipes from that wholesome family company of a corporate whore Johnson and Johnson (who will tell you that weight loss surgery is ace on their homepage www.jnj.com/connect and give you such fabby items as KY jelly and Listerine.)

So, I don't have (and never will have) kids. This is why I feel I should warn you now, my use of baby wipes is in a considerably more grown up way. My blue wkd is urging me to continue.

---Baby got back---

Let us start with what the back of the pack will tell you! Firstly, the pack I got is not for sale as a single unit. I got it from a bumper pack of 4 costing me about £5. Depending on where you get them they might be a bit cheaper. You CAN buy them in single packs, but everyone knows that bumper buying is the way forward.

The pack will tell you (in no less than five languages) that these wipes are enriched with a "gentle lotion" to make sure your baby has "clean, soft skin". Which makes me wonder if there are a tonne of babies out there bitching about how rough their skin is to their makeup consultant. Babies have those right?

The wipes are also alcohol free (the exact opposite of my "blood" stream) and perfume free too (the exact same as those homeless people you pass on the street...well...maybe not). They are also "no more tears wipes" so if you are silly enough to stick these in your eyes, at least it won't sting. I'm going to assume the three little pictures mean that the wipes can be used on your babies face, hands and bum, though I would suggest you use a fresh wipe for each area if you are going to do that.

As for the looks of the pack, its very pink which is the only valid moan I really have about them (the invalid moan being that people look at me like I am yet another young father when I walk through Tesco with a giant pack of wipes. Urgh.). A million baby boys out there are secretly cursing these pink wipes! Give the babies (and me) a blue pack. It will make us feel a lot more comfortable buying them.

---Don't worry baby---

For the more environmentally conscious among you, you may be happy to know that these wipes can be recycled. For the less environmentally friendly among you, you may be happy to know that the little picture saying that you can't flush these suckers is a big fat lie. they go down the loo a treat. Given, you'll be killing the world of tomorrow for your precious little darlings...but hey, convenience.

---Baby hold on to me---

What can you do with them without babies? Well I am glad you asked. Personally I was introduced to them when I went round to my boyfriends at the time. He was a bit of a clean freak, especially in the aftermath of what I shall call (for the purposes of this review but mostly for comical effect) "an intense hugging session". What? Don't give me that look. We all know where those babies of yours came from!!

Anyway... we are both quite hairy and you might be able to imagine that certain substances are a bit of a pain in the proverbial to get out of body hair. These wipes however make the aftermath of those "intense hugging sessions" so much more manageable.

If you so choose to indulge in what I shall call "hugging ones self" (oh god I'm laughing too much) then these are also quite handy *giggles* to have on hand *giggles again*. Rather worryingly every man I have "intensely hugged" since has now realised that having them on hand is actually a really great idea. Even the ones who aren't clean freaks. Yay for starting new gay trends!

---Cry Baby Cry---

As well as keeping a pack in my bed side cabinet, I also keep a pack in the bathroom. As if you didn't know too much already, my stomach hates me quite a bit which leaves me in a less than pleasant situation when going to the loo. I shall liken it to what happens when you have a really hot curry or way too much to drink the night before. With this being a regular occurrence (the unpleasantness on the loo, not the curries and too much booze... well... not the curries...) for myself, you can imagine all that wiping with regular paper can leave me feeling less than happy and shiny.

These wipes are a bloody god send though. They are thick enough to make sure nothing nasty seeps through, moist enough to help remove anything desperately clinging to your bum and soft enough to make it feel like you are in fact caressing your bum with silk rather than sandpaper even after about 20 million wipes.

---Santa Baby---

Another reason these things are in my bathroom is that they are rather fabby for giving your face a quick wipe. They are wet enough to use to wash your face (and your babies if you have one) and you can use them as a cloth with soap and water (they don't fall apart!). I also take them into work if I'm going on a night out directly after work. I feel as much as it is horrendously Chav like to wash with a wipe, it's a lot more polite than just not doing anything. Not a substitute for actual washing, but they are handy if you are in need of a quick rub down. Ahem.

Back onto the facial aspect of it all, I recently discovered (after a rather crazy night in which I ended up dressed like a Chinese transvestite hooker with the makeup to match)(No, Really - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZQCW0SOmU_I ) that they are quite handy in removing makeup! Specially from the eyes. Maybe that's why they are no more tears!!

----Plug In Baby---

So, if you have been paying attention and not grossing out, you will notice that I have established that these things are soft, strong and moist enough to allow you to be a little gross and not wash when you really know you should. They are also quite good value. One wipe can do the job of 4 of the cheap ones (rough estimate based on nothing really) and you get 64 in a pack. I feel I should also point out that they are not incredibly fiddly to get out of the pack (unless you are my drunken ex boyfriend but then he found it difficult to stand up at times) and even if you leave them open for a few days only the top wipe will dry out, leaving you with plenty other moist ones to choose from (If only men were considerate enough to leave you with a decent choice after drying out on you and leaving).

---Baby Bash---

Yep, I think that's me done. There's not much else to say really. Basically these things are better than the cheap wipes that are out there and if they can stand up to my sexual antics and my arse on a bad day then they sure as something that is sure will be able to stand up to yours. And your babies antics will be covered by that too. Go get yourself some. Wipes.

Summary: Screw the babies, I use em too!