Ere, wassis ? A man writing about nappies ?

Well, and why not ? I have changed more sh***y nappies than many of yoo DooYooers have had ‘ot dinners. So if the thought of THAT hasna put you off ‘ot dinners for a little time, read on !

It was in March 1978 that the first li’l Gee popped out of Heather. Well, perhaps not ‘popped’ out as such – the labour (at Kings College Hospital, Denmark Hill London SE5) took a full 18 hours ..... Marvellous hospital, with a Ward Sister of the Hattie Jacques mould, who ‘threw me out’ for using a camera with a flash .....(lovely photos though !).

In those days, disposable nappies were relatively new on the market and were expensive, so we naturally bought the Terry sort. I remember there were a dozen of the best quality ‘squares’ ('Christy') and a dozen of the ‘new design’ triangular. These were supplemented with another dozen of the ‘squares’ when Gee daughter Number 2 arrived in 1979, so by the time she and Son Number <only> had arrived, we were experts at 'quick changes' and had a whole load of repartee that dealt with the ‘occasion’.

Usually “Euugggcchch ! Yoo dirrrrty little ***************” (but always with a 'smile') - that should give you enough spaces for appropriate words of er ... endearment).

We were also experts at dealing with the logistics of ensuring there was always a good supply of clean/dry/soft nappies and liners and the chosen ‘cream’ and/or talc.

I find it interesting to gather that the disposable nappies (“luxury” as we thought back then) are causing an environmental problem. We always thought that we should have telephoned the sewage works before-hand whenever a nappy wash was carried out ...

Supplies
Apart from the nappies, you need at least 2 buckets (DEFINITELY with lids), a
supply of nappy liners, as many the plastic pants as you can store, a good supply of those special 'hooded' safety pins, the changing mat, copious tissues, the nappy cleaner powder, non-biological washing powder, fabric softener ... and a top-loader washing machine.

Oh and for the baby’s botty, if it did get sore, we used a product called ‘Drapolene’, that was very effective.

Washing
What else ? Oh yes, good strong ‘stubby’ shitty stick, for, well ... er... prodding a particularly objectionable item well-below the surface of the festering collection in the bucket.

I specify a top-loader washing machine, because it helped to be able to ‘just pour it in’. I wouldn’t have fancied trying to stuff 'em in a front-loader.


Drying
Obviously, on occasions we had to use the tumble dryer or the clothes horse near the warm-air ducts but, whenever possible, the nappies were hung on the line ‘for a good blow’. That is what helped make them ‘soft’ and gave you a 'warm glow' all over to see them 'blowin in the wind'.

Changing Nappies
We were lucky. My dear old Mum (who behaved like a dog with two ****s when her first grand-daughter arrived) was a real EXPERT at this, and wouldna let me nor Heather near a safety pin until she had ‘taken charge’ of a training session.

Getting the correct ‘front to bottom’ wiping ... judging if there was more to come ...

“look at the expression on their little faces .. you can usually tell if there is anither ‘packet coming’...” “make sure she’s completely dry before putting the clean one on ...” ... “Now WATCH that pin .... Oh, I don’t like these new triangular nappies ... bloody useless, you don’t know where the point of the pin is with these thick corners ... The cheaper Terry
Squares are no problem – even your father could fold a square into a triangle ...”

All the thoughts come flooding back as I write this (lovely lady, she was, would have been sooooo proud at what her grand-daughters and grandson have achieved so far and .. well, way to go !).

At first we tried to ensure that the liners did not go into the lavvy, with the ... er business, but later we didn’t bother .....

Nappy Powder
This powder material is a strong disinfectant, based on Chlorine and must be handled with some care (rubber gloves). The empty containers were a favourite bath toy when the children were toddlers (and good for rinsing hair when in the bath).

For those worried about the effects that this might have on he sewage works - dinna worry, there's so much down in the sewers to 'neutralise' and dilute ....

Word of Warning.
The two daughters were well and truly potty-trained when we left London, and our son was born in Edinburgh.

We used the same procedures, and he was potty-trained by the time that he was well, the 'usual age' for boys which is, sadly, generally older than for girls.

Then, about 9 years ago when he was 10 years old, we had a wee problem with our drains.

There was a ‘blockage’, and the excellent service of Dyno-Rod were called in. Oh yes, they cleaned it well ... but they had the various inspection covers opened.... and what did I see, floating in the accumulated 'water' ? APART FROM the occasional 'your-know what' !

Some real 'raves from the grave' ..... well, quite a number of what were undoubtedly the non-woven fabric nappy liners, and still in ‘pristine’ condition.... Obviously they are not bio-degradable and will ‘stick around’ if given the chance ......

Caused some ribald comment from daughters who were still at the giggling, embarra
ssing stage of social development (hey, come to think of it, they still are !)

Er...charming ... But let that be a lesson to all you who do use the old method of dealing with the 'essentials'.

Footnote
Most of the Terry Squares have survived but the triangular ones barely lasted for the third child. We use them now for 'wiping up mess' and one or two are kept 'under the sink' for such occasions.