IT SLIPS ONTO MY INNER THIGHS JUST NICELY (Vaseline Pure Petroleum Jelly)

Member Name: marandina

Product:	Vaseline Pure Petroleum Jelly
Date:	10/01/03 (2150 review reads)
Rating:

Advantages: Lots

Disadvantages: A bit slimey

D'yer know, I don't go anywhere without my Vaseline. Well, that's not truly actually, I go loads of places without it. Saying that, I am feeling a little frisky on this cold, wet night darn in Norfampton so I thought I'd share some of my slimy secrets with yers (ewwwwww...).

Hmmmm...I'm staring at my 100g jar right now. It's a pale, yellow colour and has a blue label with the words "Vaseline - pure petroleum jelly" on it. At the rear another label tells the reader that it's an emollient for topical application for chapped skin and lips, sunburns, minor burns and helps prevent nappy rash. This particular version is made be Lever Faberge and any questions or comments can be re-directed via 0800 591720.

Sheesh...just throw in the words "petroleum jelly" into Google and you get blasted with loads of entries about different ways of applying this magical substance. I'm sure there's a section on the..erm..dodgier aspects of applying this wonder substance but I didn't get around to including those. Hmmmm...I could always edit this, I s'pose?

However, a wee bit of history: It's 1859, oil has just been discovered in Pennsylvania in the good old US of A. Robert Augustus Cheesebrough is a 22 year old chemist from Brooklyn. He'd become something of an expert at extracting kerosene from cannel oil. He realised that petroleum products would be the fuel source of the future so off he went on his merry way to Pennsylvania.

He noticed that a colourless film called "rod wax" collected around the pump rods on the oil wells, gumming up the works until it was removed. He also observed oil workers slapping this stuff on cuts, instead of a bandage. Not only did it stay on the skin and stop the bleeding, but also it seemed to help cure the wound.

Cheesebrough returned to Brooklyn with some rod-wax and spent months creating a clean form of rod-wax, which he called &q
uot;petroleum jelly". He began making it and the rest is history.

Maybe I've given the game away with the title with this one. Yep, I slap it on the inside of my thighs before I undergo my exertions. I've been known to be chugging along, panting (cool word, panting) with a strange slime poking out from underneath my shorts. I have also been known to frighten the odd doggie whilst undergoing my pumping but usually the owner manages to placate the canine before it changes it's mind and decides to savage my inner thighs instead. Thing is, my upper legs are either a funny shape or stick out at the top as they get severely chapped on the way round my circuit. I end up red raw from all the action (oh, pleeeeeease...) so my friendly Vaseline manages to curb this insidious trait leaving my lurvely hairy pins in tact and unchapped ready for their next waxing.

As mentioned earlier, petroleum jelly has multiple uses. One of my good friends from the Virtual world of opinionating (drinks Newkie Broon and swears a lot) tells me it's great for popping on her lips. I'm sure I know what she means and it's a relief that her oral Mick Jaggers are kept all lovely and supple from the biting winds of the harsh Narth (local pronunciation).

Should you suffer a burn, say you've decided to test that white hot pan on the stove to see if it's hot enough yet, then Vaseline has been a Godsend for many years. Simply apply to scolded area for some relief. I can't say I've ever done this myself preferring to call an ambulance but if it's only a minor burn then Vaseline will help as it did those manly oil workers way back when.

Those with bairns will also swear by the omnipresent Vaseline. I mean, nappy rash ain't pretty so a regular dose of our miracle product should make life easier and keep baby sweet and smiling whilst sleeping through every night allowing you to go to work all fresh and relaxed. Well...OK..
.maybe the last bit's a little far fetched but it does work so go get some for the 'wee kiddies.

Here's a few more uses according to Joey Green (no, I've never heard of him either):

 Coat small pieces of sponge with Vaseline petroleum jelly to simulate fish egg bait to lure trout (Well, it is our favourite past time, supposedly. Blimey, just how boring IS fishing?)

 Smear Vaseline petroleum jelly on clean car battery terminals to prevent car battery corrosion.

 To repair stains, rings, and minor scratches in wood furniture - Cover each scratch with a liberal coat of Vaseline petroleum jelly, let sit for 24 hours, rub into wood, wipe away excess, and polish as usual. Alternatively, ring that bloke from the Yellow Pages ad who'll come out and save your ass before your parents get home.

 Remove chewing gum from hair - Apply Vaseline petroleum jelly and work into the hair until the gum slides off (Just how folks get chewing gum in their hair is anyone's guess).

 To stop a faucet from screeching - remove the handle and stem, and coat both sets of metal threads with Vaseline petroleum jelly.

 Lubricate roller skate and skateboard wheels - Smear Vaseline petroleum jelly around the cylinders on the wheels so they roll faster.

 Remove a ring stuck on a finger - Coat finger with Vaseline petroleum jelly and slide the ring off. I'm usually very careful with my ring although my online ring has become a little over-dilated and could do with being brought into line. I have a respectable online adviser to help me with this problem.

Hmmmm....OK....You're desperate for this opinion to finish now so suffice to say it's dead useful.

Available at all major outlets including my Dillons over the road. I think it's about £1.30 a jar.

Thanks for reading and have a great weekend (after you've g
ot Friday on your mind outta the way).

Marandina


Official definition: Petroleum Jelly is a purified mixture of semi-solid, saturated hydrocarbons, mainly of paraffinic nature, obtained from petroleum. It may contain antioxidants approved for food use

Summary: