Utterly, utterly useless. (Lloyds TSB)

Member Name: lukeuea

Product:	Lloyds TSB
Date:	05/09/06 (2009 review reads)
Rating:

Advantages: Internet banking. But everywhere offers that these days.

Disadvantages: Useless customer care

I've had my bank account with Lloyds TSB for almost a decade now. I'm cancelling it as soon as I can, now. Allow me to explain my story of woe.

A few weeks ago, a very kind relative in America gave me a check for $12,000. Lovely. I went to pay it in at my local branch: Woking. That was about five days ago. Yesterday I got back from work to find a message on my answerphone. "Hi, could you please call Lloyds TSB on 0845 3000000 and ask to be put through to the Woking branch - Foreign Exchange - as a matter of some urgency. Bye."

I got the message in the evening, so they were closed. Fair enough. I thought, once I phoned 0845 3000000 I'd just be able to be put straight through to the Woking branch. Oh, how wrong I was. Unaware of it at the time, I was about to set off on an epic quest spanning hours and speaking to a vast variety of idiots.

In the morning (Tuesday) I had another message from Lloyds TSB Woking. Again, completely vague, and saying "uhh, we DO need to speak to you, and it IS urgent" as if I didn't know. Lovely.

I made my first call at 9:45am on Tuesday morning. I called at pretty regular intervals until about 5pm, when they closed. I left about a 45 minute interval between each call.

Call 1: Keyed in my account number and sort code. Got through, asked to be put through to Woking. They asked why. I explained. They "transferred" me to Woking. The phone rang and rang for two minutes. I gave up.

Call 2: Keyed in my account number and sort code. Got through, asked to be put through to Woking. They put me through to the Fareham branch. Easily done, I guess - Woking and Fareham sound pretty similar (to a muppet). The guy, still on the phone, apologised for his mistake and said he'd transfer me to Woking right away. He put me through... to Fareham again.

Call 3: Keyed in my account number and sort code. Got through, asked to be put through to Woking. Took a whole minute to explain that I wasn't trying to get through to a "working" branch. Ended up getting cut off as I was being "transferred".

Call 4: Keyed in my account number and sort code. Got through, asked to be put through to Woking. They asked why. I explained. They said, this time, that they needed to security check me - they needed my home address and postcode. Huh. They "transferred" me to Woking. The phone rang and rang at Woking. The call centre girl told me "Woking's busy - please try again at a later time". Joy.

Call 5: Call 5 was just plain weird. This guy insisted I register for phone banking before he put me through. I took about two minutes to explain to him that I have no intention of using phone banking EVER, but I figured in the end that it'd just be quicker to satisfy his bizarre desire and do it. He said I'd be transferred back to him after going through the automatic registration system. I wasn't - I was "transferred" back to a completely different guy:

Call 6: The completely different guy then asked why I was calling. I explained. He tried to put me through to Woking. Woking didn't pick up their phone. Guy 6 asked me to call back later in the day.

Call 7: Girl 7 was lovely, bless her. The most non-useless person I spoke to at Lloyds TSB all day. She apologised for the poor customer service I'd received, tried four times to put me through to Woking (Woking busy the whole time) and said she'd fax them asking to call me.

I went through a low-reception area so didn't get the phone call - I had a missed call from a withheld number. So:

Call 8: This time I had to enter my security code, as well as my sort code and account number. Got through, asked to be put through to Woking. They asked why. I explained. They "transferred" me to Woking. The phone rang and rang for two minutes. I gave up.

Call 9: Entered my security code, as well as my sort code and account number. Got through, asked to be put through to Woking. They asked why. I explained. They "transferred" me to Woking. No-one at Woking answered.

Call 10: Entered my security code, as well as my sort code and account number. Got through, asked to be put through to Woking. They asked why. I explained. They "transferred" me to Woking. No-one at Woking answered. Got more apology.


The time was 4:50pm by the time I closed. Woking branch closed at 5pm.

So all in all, I made ten calls and didn't get through to my branch ONCE, despite the fact that they're apparently obliged to pick up within eight rings. And I just bloody KNOW I'll get another sarcastic message from the woman at Woking saying "uhh, I don't think you realise how urgent this problem is". Of course, once I've completed the epic quest of actually GETTING THROUGH TO THE BANK - I then have to deal with what the actual problem is. My brother received an identical cheque from the same kindly relative. He payed his in at HSBC and it was in his bank account two days later.

I still have no idea what the problem is, and I get the feeling I'll have to be dealing with this for days if not weeks.

Needless to say, the moment it's all sorted out and dealt with, I'm cancelling my account. Apparently at Nationwide you can call your branch directly. And that, dear readers, feels pretty spectacularly wonderful right about now.

So long, Lloyds TSB, you utter, utter bankers.

Summary: Avoid like the plague