My Privates Hell (The Body Shop Strawberry Body Polish)

Member Name: mattphill

Product:	The Body Shop Strawberry Body Polish
Date:	16/05/01 (261 review reads)
Rating:

Advantages: Relaxing

Disadvantages: Can be harmful

I'm a Man. I'm the proud bearer of the Y chromosome. I can, if I choose, wear matching Y-fronts. Testosterone, trickles through my body, it used to coarse, now it trickles (my hormonally charged teenage years are way behind), but it's still there and it marks me as a Man. Grrrrrrrr.

I point this out as I am writing a review of a Girlie product, Strawberry Exfoliating Body Wash. EXFOLIATE, EXFOLIATE, it sounds like the Dalek's deadly mantra. And in a way it is, as this Body Shop shower gel wages a war of extermination against dead skin.

This is not what I usually reach for when I need to wash away the detritus of a days work. Oh no, for me it's usually a slap of soap and goodbye grime. But recently I found myself hot and sticky and in desperate need of an emergency shower, any delay would have resulted in NATO investigating a noxious gas attack from an unfriendly state. My armpits can turn toxic.

So, I'm in the shower, well and truly damped down, now it's time for a good soaping. That's when I remembered about the need to buy more soap. Darn my aging brain! I had little choice but to turn to the massed ranks of my girlfriends cleansing products. A positive cornucopia of hygiene delights, which appear to be made using every fruit in natures fruit bowl and top secret, cutting edge scientific processes.

I decided on an exfoliating shower gel, as exfoliating sounds reasonable manly.

Firstly I examined the wording on the translucent, mat finished tube. Strawberry Exfoliating Body Wash and then in French, Gel douche exfoliant a la fraise. Bon so far. I then learnt this product was safe for all skin types, which made me wonder what type my skin was. Bashful, yet dirty? Or maybe, vivacious and smelly. It didn't matter as all skin types would be cleansed equally.

And not just cleansed, my skin would be ''polished and smoothed with powdered walnut sh
ells''. Oh my, what had I gotten involved with? All I wanted was a shower, not a French polish. My skin would be stripped like an old pine dresser, the filthy outer layer of wood removed to reveal vibrant, fresh fibres. That's got to hurt!

A quick read of the instructions informed me that I had to lather up a small amount of the gel. Usually it's football and beer that get me whipped into a lather, but I didn't have time for that, so I flipped up the tubes cap and squeezed a large blob on to the palm of my hand. I was rocked by the overpowering stench of ripe strawberries. Eye watering stuff. Not unpleasant, just very strong. I wondered how I would be received if I walked into a pub reeking like a strawberry tart.

I started rubbing the red goo, the colour of a fine claret, in to my chest. I was surprised, I had been expecting a sensation akin to getting sand in your shoes at the beach and then walking five miles. But this was nice. Very nice indeed. The specks on ground walnut shell were like tiny fingers massaging my body. That combined with the all pervading smell of strawberries, which my nose was becoming accustomed to, was very soothing and relaxing. If the gel was applied by my significant other the experience would be........

Turn the shower to cold and continue.

With the body washed and the shower nearly finished, I only had one region to clean. My state of relaxation, combined with my aging brain, were about to bring woe into my life. I needed to wash my, well, um..., lets describe it as my ''toilet'' parts. YIKES.

Pain. Much pain. Yikes again.

What had previously been a pleasurable experience, being massaged by walnut fingers, had suddenly turned into SHARDS OF GLASS. Yikes. I shall say no more as my eyes are beginning to water once again.

When rinsed, dried and dressed, the odour of strawberries was much reduced, but still
noticeable. It left my body clean and smooth, without making me shiny. I will not be using this product again myself, mainly because of mental scars. But if the pong was reduced or removed and a health warning written large on the tube, many men could find using an exfoliation shower gel a pleasing, invigorating, cleansing experience.

I now buy my manly slab of soap in bulk.

Summary: