Audi A Bore

Being a company car driver often slants the way you review a car, the assumption is always that its free and so why should you complain about getting to drive what in many peoples eyes is a "flash motor". But you could also look on it as a extreme ageing test, 40000 miles on one year certainly starts to show the Skoda credentials hidden below the Audi Badge, and this accelerated ageing process also finds the cracks that the BoTox of self ownership hides. If you spent £24000 on your own car you would practise a process called positive reinforcement, it's the marketing equivalent of sticking your fingers in your ears and shouting LalA LA I cant hear you, after all if it was your money you would try and find the good things about the Audi . I on the other hand have been spared these shackles of self-delusion, and that's why this review is so horrible to Audi.
So lets get the good things out the way first , this model Is fast and it holds the road rather well, it's a high end go-kart , before I drove the Audi Diesel I always assumed that only 3 people drove diesel, Gypsies , Farmers and all of France . They were dirty, Slow and clattery and so were the cars they drove . But this thing is quite and fast , and no longer do simple village children run up to you and try to buy a Ice cream off you when you stop at the lights. It also looks good for an estate , or should I say Avant, its poised to drive rather than carry a coffin. Its also a easy car to drive, the controls are all logical ( that's because there are not many ) the gear change is positive and all the pedals are well positioned, it's a car designed to be driven, but not very comfortably. The MPG is astonishing, and I can get what equates to 50 Mpg if you drive it like a Vicar , the problem is the A4 likes to be driven hard and fast rather like Vicars wives, but even when you are thrashing around like MK2 Escort on a bleak northern estate with your techno hard house banging out from your tinted windows and grounding out on every speed bump , you still get 40 mpg + . Another positive feature, and one which probably reflects on my own sad existence is the doors also make a lovely clonk sound, the noise which other countries vehicles don't seem to make , and the internal build quality is pretty good. It all feels solid and most importantly reliable . Its your Uncle Craig, he plays cricket , he is kind and he has a square jaw , the problem is Uncle Craig drinks a lot and one Christmas he peed himself , and that's what the Audi A4 Avant has done to me its let me down and now all its minor points are building up , uncle Craig is going to get punched.

So lets start with the practicality of the car....Audi call it an Avant because frankly if they called it an estate they would be sued , the boot is tiny . When you look at the actual width of the car its all wheel arches and lowness , hence the internal room feels like a much smaller car , more of a Golf than a large estate , sorry Avant. This cramped layout extents through the whole car, there are no clever pockets or under seat storage, no deep side pockets and laughably only ONE cup holder. How on earth are you supposed to have a nice Latte with your passenger , one of you will have to risk inner thigh burns, and that is not good. The Low door and roof line also pose a problem, as every time you get in you smack your head on the top of the door opening, and once seated you are lower than a X factor winners credibility , which if I was 19 would be a good thing, but for somebody who has come to realise that driving like a arse just gets you killed , and sitting over hard suspension 4 inches off the road is just not comfortable it is just a bore. And that's the main problem with this car , its been designed by a kid off an estate or should I say Avant who's criteria seems to be " lets have wide wheels, low hard suspension and then let me sit really close to the ground , and make it like a reverse tardis , really big on the outside but tiny like a Nissan Micra on the inside " . As with many German cars everything is Extra, this model is fitted with the S Line kit , which basically means it's a bit quicker and has even more uncomfortable seats , which in turn mean you hit your head even more often on the way in and out. It comes with a good CD/Tuner , but no Ipod interface, no multi disc , no wma/MP3 capacity and shockingly NO DAB radio , do the Germans still think luxury means a bit of pretend carbon fibre and a leather steering wheel ? I hired a Toyota Avago in Holland, which featured all of the above as standard on a car, which felt and looked like it had been made from recycled Chinese takeaway tubs and cost the same as a set of tyres on the Audi A4 ( well almost ).
Sorry to harp on about the internal room, but it's a major bug bear , this is on the surface a large car, but its tiny inside , the boot space is taken u by a massive spare wheel ( no space savers here ) and side pockets which house nothing , along with various chrome hooks all of which rob you of much needed load space . This coupled which the steep angle of the rear hatch means that its barley big enough for a weekly family shop , as for a camping weekend , well near impossible. Since first writing the review we have had a baby , and it is actually not possible to get a standard Quinny 3 wheeled buggy in the boot as well as all the other things babies seem to need.

There seem to be airbags every where, I am not to sure how many as I have yet to crash it, the majority of injuries seem to be getting in and out of the dam thing , maybe there should be on the roof contour to stop you hurting yourself. Some of the other safety features do work well the traction control stops you over egging the pudding , the ABS is wipe your face off the screen good , and the car feels safe , even through you are hugging the ground. The car also has a nice speed warning indicator, which beeps when you hit a preconfigured speed , this would be excellent apart form the fact that you have to actually put your arm through the steering wheel to use it, and you have to set it whilst the car is moving , dumb design. Another safety feature is the CD replacement stopper , I am not sure this is deliberate, but Audi have out NO storage for CDs making it impossible to carry more than one , and thus impossible to try to change it whilst driving.
As well as the subjective anti Audi stance the following have been replaced/repaired under warranty in the first 30 000 miles ( 13 months ) Rear wheel bearing and hub, front wheel bearing , glove box ( jammed ) and CD player malfunctioning. This has now happend agan , at 65000 miles , the rear bearings are getting louder than my constant moans about the Car. The CD player has also now decied to Jam again, and the 3rd glove box has also stopped functioning. And as i count the days down on the lease the waterpump failed, and the cupholder ( overstressed as there is only one ) snapped spilling the contents of the cup all over my leg . I am literally desperate to see the back of this overpriced status symbol of the 80's, shoulder pads died, i only wish the brands and designs of the 80's would also disappear .

In hindsight I wish I had actually test-driven the Audi A4 for more than 20 minutes, and would heartily recommend that if you want one to try it on a long drive, sure its fun through the bends but were is your beach gear going to go, and how the hell are you going to get a pushchair in the boot. The AUDI looks to be designed in another age, an age when leather meant quality and the IPOd did not exist, I bet Audi are still wondering is the CD will take over from the tape as the mainstay of in car entertainment.

Audi A4 , more like AWdi ( that's me hitting my head ) A bore.