Racy Lady! (Fiat Coupé in general)

Member Name: Smile

Product:	Fiat Coupé in general
Date:	23/08/01 (2416 review reads)
Rating:

Advantages: Fiery Pussycat - Drives Beautifully, Good Value for Money, Excellent Performance

Disadvantages: Slippery When Wet, Alarm Problems

Usually I expect you (as a driver) would follow a relatively simple procedure such as this:

Unlock and open door
Enter vehicle and sit comfortably
Clunk-click (door closed – seat-belt on)
Insert key in ignition-slot and turn
When engine is running place in first gear
Hand-brake off
Right foot down
And it moves!

No, no, no, no … NO!

Let us start again …

Approach her cautiously; admire her; size her up: give her some respect. Is she going to be an adversary? Perhaps. Or maybe she’ll end up being your fiery bit-on-the-side!

She sits there like a crouching tiger, eyeing you, challenging you! And you feel like a baby gazelle, so buck-up – get some attitude and try to behave superior. She is, after all, merely a machine … or is she?

Take a stroll around her, you’ll notice she looks like a different creature from different angles, and there is no-one quite as distinctive roaming the concrete jungles of UK highways. Oh, she is unique! Her body built of sweeping curves, contrasted by sharp edges over her toned wheel arches, a long bonnet and a short, high arse!

Her shoulders are broad, her centre is low, her rear-end is a wonderfully rounded “butt”!, her eyes are large and glaring, and her arches … oh those sharp-shouldered, yet beautifully curved wheel-arches! All together, the ensemble is quite breathtaking!

And now, after appreciating the curves, the 15” alloys, surrounded by 205 R15 jet black latex stockings (sounds interestingly kinky!) … you’ll notice the Pinninfarina sign just in front of the rear wheel arches. The icing on the cake!

Now, find the partially concealed handle and pull open the heavy door. You do not merely enter a Coupe, rather you slide in to the firm and comfortable seat. She does not hug you too tightly, but holds you firmly – almost an embrace. r>
Appreciate your surroundings: the design is ergonomic, the four circular windows directly behind the wheel are clear and you’ll have all the real-time performance-related details you need at a glance. The central instrument panel, whilst vertical arcs out like a lover pushing her body towards you, waiting for your caress – everything is within easy reach. The dials are large and well suited to their purpose and the central consol housing the gear stick and electric-window switches is broad and gives you the sensation of a solidly built automobile. This lady is toned-up!

And the Fiat logo on the steering wheel – her maker – may not be the most inspiring of marks! But then the band of body-coloured metal shooting across the top of the dashboard with the Pininfarina (the name of her dress-maker!) badge centred on it, is the Versace or Ungaro of the vehicle design world.

Now you’ve appreciated her in her fully clothed (exterior) and you’ve seen her with her blouse open (in the driver’s seat), should you start her up? Or should you take a peak beneath her underwear?! Go on, you know you want to. Undo the clasp by reaching under the steering wheel and pull the lever. Then step outside and raise the bonnet – here is her heart, opening her bra has revealed more than you could imagine!

Before you is a two litre (1998cc), five-cylinder unit, which can rocket you to 62mph faster than the official eight seconds the manufacturer suggests. Believe me, I’ve tried it – and it is surprising this Italian lady’s performance is understated by her maker. Her exquisite carriage is hauled by 225 horses, which can carry you to a terminal velocity of around 140mph. She is an extremely racy lady!

Now be decent! You’ve ogled her long enough, re-fasten her brassiere (close her bonnet!), and step back inside. The time has come to start her up, and if the initial period
fills you with admiration and a little love, turning the key will fill you with lust! As the engine kicks in, and then turns, you’ll hear the sound of a deep and sexy purr. She does not growl or roar as so many other sporty chicks do – instead, like a pussycat, she purrrrrrrs: veiling the tiger she really is.

Place her in first and put your foot down … hard! … you’ll be pasted to the seat, feeling as if your body has turned in to a gelatinous form. And as you shift to second, your body now more accustomed to the g-force, and keep accelerating, you’ll still feel as if you’ve been spot-welded to the chair! Pushing her to her limits here will get you to a hairsbreadth over 60mph, and just before you “red-line” whip it in to third, shift your body a little and feel the glue between you and the chair loosen.

Third will whip by and before you know it you’re in fourth and the needle in front of you is racing on past ninety. If you’ve got the nerve, and you have no fear of detection, you’ll soon be well past 110mph in fifth. The landscape and lamp-posts rushing by in a seamless blur!

She’s still hugging you comfortably and you she’s still steady as a rock on the tarmac – almost as if she’s on rails. The purr is stronger, but still not a growl, and it is like music to your ears, almost rendering the stereo pointless, after all who needs background music when she is purring to you enticingly?

The steering becomes a little heavier the faster she goes, allowing more control and less margin for driver error. Any external wind-tunnel noise whilst noticeable, is barely so, and her voice will continue to purr from standstill to well over the legal speed-limit. And even at high-speeds the control is wonderful: as you guide her through sweeping curves and long straights, you may think you have her in your grasp, but no – she has you. Bec
ause whilst your brain is saying “enough, enough”, your foot is depressing the accelerator even more. There is conflict between your body and mind, you lust for more, but your logic tells you no! And it will be lust which wins in the end!

And she knows, and so she purrs, and she does so with gleeful contempt! She thinks she’s got you and she believes she is perfect … but is she?

Well, no! One or two points here: she’s light (although not petite), and whilst you have her glued to the road at high-speed, if you have the requirement to brake suddenly, her rear-end will loose control like a cross-bike on a sand dune. It’ll be skidding all over the place, reminiscent of a woman performing reggae-style gyratory movements whilst running frantically after a bus! She’ll look and behave like less of lady and more like a floozy – butt all over the place.

And be extremely careful in the rain - she is decidedly slippery when wet. Her manners suddenly turn atrocious and she looses all sense of decorum. At this point, I recommend you handle her with a little more care.

And whilst the fastest hand in the west might be able to whip her from gear to gear with amazing speed, those not blessed with lightening-like reflexes might find the movement a little more laborious and slow. The gears (at the stick end) are reasonably tight on the perpendicular/horizontal plane, but the vertical distance between 1st/3rd and 2nd/4th/5th (I believe it is called “throw” in the industry) seems a little too great. In addition, the clutch may have too high a biting-point for many.

But there is no such perfect beauty which hath not some imperfection!, and you can deal with these faults and accept them knowing that very few woman are completely flawless, and if they are as pleasurable to have a relationship with as this one, a couple of minor faults are no problem at all.

However, on
e major glitch is when she cries out indicating she has been violated, by an intruder – usually this happens when she is stationary and the alarm is on (no problem there). But a few people have experienced the bizarre phenomenon of her crying whilst she’s on the move. Fiat fitted her with a Scorpion alarm and immobiliser, and sometimes, whilst at either high or low speeds, it goes off for no apparent reason. Which means you’ll have to pull over to the side of the road, stop, switch-off the engine, extract the key and then switch-off the alarm to stop her from crying and only then will you be able to continue your journey.

It’s annoying (to say the least), but if you can have an alarm engineer look into and solve the problem, or alternatively change the alarm system, the situation should be fine. She sounds terrible when she wails!

Back to her good points … she looks good, she feels good to drive, she has an attitude and a presence. And into the bargain there are back seats too! They are relatively comfortable, but the legroom is tight. So where is the catch: well I thought it might be the price, but for a cool £22k she might be expensive, but not for what she actually is. Let’s face it, performance and style and an all-round thrill, she’s actually quite reasonably valued. And if you purchase second-hand as I did, the value for money is astounding (high depreciation!).

However, check servicing (obviously!) and look for signs which may indicate she has been overly thrashed. Whilst she likes to be pushed to her limits, some drivers take this too far and enter the realm of sadism. She is robust enough to handle a lot, but if she has been handled too roughly over repeatedly long periods there will be telltale signs. And if you see them and still go ahead and buy her, you’ll notice her becoming less of a lady quite quickly.

Let’s go back to the usual procedure:

P
ull in and stop
Right foot up
Hand-brake on
Ensure she is out of gear
Turn key to off position
Remove key from ignition-slot
Open door and slide out of her embrace.

No, no, no, no … NO!

You know you can’t do it. She’s calling you back before you’ve even left her. She’s your fiery bit-on-the-side. Your lust grows again, and you have to put the key back in … and put your right foot down again!

Drive, Baby … Drive!