Whoop whoop! (Clubbing in general)

Member Name: spacelamb

Product:	Clubbing in general
Date:	21/02/01 (98 review reads)
Rating:

Advantages: A good DJ makes for a good night out

Disadvantages: 'Clubbing' can mean a hen party at Ritzy's

Picture yourself on a boat on a river, with tangerine trees and marmalade skies...

Not really. Red herring. Picture yourself on any high street in an English town. The time is 11pm, the pubs are closing and the streets are filled with screeching adolescents (who can't possibly be warm enough - why didn't they bring a coat as they were told?) and men in cheap shoes who really ought to have a girlfriend (or small amount of self-respect) at their age. Anyway...

Picture the queue outside The Diseased Parrot (substitute name of your local meat market venue here) - a lot of shouting, spewing, groping. Through the door you can hear DJ Dave mixing 'Horny' with something by the Venga Boys (badly). You watch in horror as the queue gets longer and longer, to the point of snaking right around the building and into the kebab shop car park. You run. Nay, flee.

(Would readers kindly note that the scene above is merely a reconstruction, so don't have nightmares, sleep well).

I am henceforth withdrawing the phrase 'I like clubbing' from use. BECAUSE IT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE. Clubbing is not a universal; there is such huge diversity in the experience of spending a night in a 'club' that it's a vicious crime to put them all under the same umbrella.

Personally, I like to frequent clubs with a post-pubescent clientele, that book high-quality DJs playing house, D&B or techno. That is what I mean when I say 'I like clubbing'. A night at The Aforementioned Unwell Exotic Bird (with Daz and Gaz and Baz and Shaz) just ain't the same thing.

For a lot of people the chief distinction is made by the music, but also by drugs. Some clubs have a high population of people drinking too much Fosters and thoroughly enjoying Christina Aguilera's 'Genie in a Bottle' (for the third time that night). Other clubs have a lot of pilled-up smilers who get all excited when Roni Size's &
#39;Lucky Pressure' comes on, and produce fizzy cola bottles from a hidden pocket to celebrate.

I know I'm being very black and white here, but I am basing it on years of experience. I grew up in a small town which actually boasted two Parrot-equivalents (both equally as foul), so I moved to London as soon as I'd learnt to make toast by myself and tie my own laces (if the truth be told, I never really learnt, just started buying velcro trainers).

I concede that there are faults with the 'proper clubbing' style of clubbing too. People who can't take drugs sensibly, for a start (although, for News of the World readers, I'd like to point out that there are only 12 Ecstasy-related deaths a year compared to several thousand that are alcohol-related). The other problem of course is that of Evil Dealers who want to sell us lethal pills for their own amusement. I'm kidding by the way. This is such a ridiculous and ill-informed belief - sure, there are morons who'll try to sell you sleeping pills and all the rest of it, but it's hardly in their interest to deliberately sell you a deadly tablet - but then if you buy drugs from someone you don't know you deserve everything you get. The hysteria surrounding drug use in this country is crazy. Oh, and the other important thing to remember is that a lot of people actually go to clubs for the music. Surprising I know. Pills can enhance the experience but sometimes don't, and a lot of clubbers just aren't interested.

(I imagine I've probably offended a lot of people with this, but the only ones to whom I extend apology are those called Daz and Gaz and Baz and Shaz, who had no control over their given names).

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