Ibiza - Myths Destroyed and Posh Words Abandoned (Balearic Islands)

Member Name: Muffin_the_Mule

Product:	Balearic Islands
Date:	14/07/04 (1254 review reads)
Rating:

Advantages: It's grand.

Disadvantages: I don't live there anymore.

Last year I moved myself and my life ? life packed neatly into two large black suitcases - over to the Balearic Island of Ibiza to start a year as a Holiday Rep.
I was 23 years of age, and had lived on my own since I was 19, so the whole ?moving away? malarkey wasn?t that new to me. I was already fully capable of washing my own clothes, doing my own shopping and I even held experience in getting rid of those really fast spiders that invade your house in early summer.
(The huge ones you bravely try to catch with your bare hands, completely expecting to miss, only for you to realise you scored a direct-hit and the things half wriggling out of your grasp and you start to panic, do a panicky little dance and sprint to the nearest window hurling Mr Spider out as far as your contorting muscles will allow.)

I therefore was less upset than my own parents as I strolled through passport control at Manchester Airports Second Terminal, although I deliberately didn?t look back just in case they weren?t there waving at me all teary eyed and had gone for a coffee and a sit down to celebrate.
Because I was flying out in April, and Ibiza has primarily a summer only season that runs from May to October, I was flown into Palma Airport on Majorca, where a connecting Iberia Airways flight would take me over to the White Isle. So they told me.
What I wasn?t told is that Palma Airport is a sprawling metropolis and following an old, slightly doddery couple who looked like they knew where they were going, only for them to nip into a toilet; Thus leaving a lost Mancunian at the front-end of a convoy of an entire Britannia 737?s worth of holiday makers wandering nomadically past bemused security guards through passport control. The wrong way.
Eventually (by process of elimination) we found the route to the luggage carousels, and I could then follow others through to catch the connecting flight to Ibiza.

I?d never been to any of the Balearics prior to thi
s trip, but I had bought all three series of Sky TV?s Ibiza Uncovered Uncut on Video before I left, so the only expectations I held were of the old faithful Sun, Sea, Sand and ladies boobs.
Over the next seven months I would see and taste (ahem) my fair share of all of these, but the myth of Ibiza being an island solely for the mentalist is completely undeserved.

To visit Ibiza is a bit like going to an enormous theme park. Bosses of Pleasurewood Hills in Yarmouth take note.
There is something for everyone at any time of the day or night, dusk or dawn.

Young Folks.
I?ll start with the ?Yoofs?. I?m not going to slate the youngsters who go to Ibiza in search of 20 minute loving relations in ?romantic? refuse-sack strewn surroundings with the opposite (or same ? we?ll get to that) sex. I?m going to be as impartial as my prejudices allow.
Sant Antoni is too hard for us ignoramus English to say, so over time the town that spawned a million docu-soaps has become known the world over as San Antonio and is a Mecca for college leavers looking for cheap booze and long nights.
San Antonio Town?s West End area provides these young adults with 180 bars, mostly on one street and a plethora of drinks offers from those bars, all vying for the attention and hard earned pocket money that lands into Eivissa Airport 7 days a week.
It?s these folk who have spread the poor reputation of Ibiza; even though only 5% of flight arrivals are dedicated clubbers. The rest are families, couples, old folk and hippies.
Even though it is a mere 5%, they are looked after for every club need. San Antonio has 3 so-called ?Super Clubs? ? Eden, Es Paradis and Summum.

Housed in a bi-domed building 5 minutes walk from the west end the islands first real indoor club started out life being known as ?The Star Club.? Numerous owners later, and its moniker was amended to Eden. Open 7 nights of the week, each night has a different promoter from Liverpool?
s finest camp-fest Garlands on Tuesdays, to Radio One?s fat man in a cap ? Dave Pearce ? on Fridays. Tickets will range in price from Free (yes - gratis ? if you catch the right PR boys and girls on the doors of quiet nights) and all the way up to ?35 for Judge Jules? Judgement Sundays.
Water inside will set you back ?5, and a beer is ?6.
Across the road from Eden is the Pyramid shaped Es Paradis, and Eden?s main competitor.
Es Paradis ? Spanish for ?the Paradise? Fluent in the lingo me ? is also open 7 nights, although one night is dedicated to locals.
Last year local night was ?paella night? where they served paella a lot. Needless to say you could count the people on one hand who were in the queue.
Whereas Eden tends to have nights which are all dance music, Es paradis cater for the Hip Hop lovers and old School shufflers with weekly Twice as Nice and Déjà vu slots. They also have a night where ladies dance with no clothes on, but this didn?t interest me at all and I never ever went in the whole season at all. Not once. Unless you count the times where I went in for research purposes.
Entry again varies hugely in cost form free (they?ll try and physically drag you in to Paella night) and up to ?35 for Twice as nice.
Summum is about 2 Kilometres away from the west end (reachable by a ?6 taxi hop or a 15 minute ?2 boat ride) in the quieter, more sedate Bay of San Antonio (En Espanol: Bahia de Sant Antoni - told you I was fluent). Summum is where Kajagoogoo?s Lamaal had a weekly spell-check unfriendly residency, and I?m amazed the bloke isn?t still Uber-famous back in England, as there were literally tens of people in there, week in week out. Maybe even 12 people in those busy high season weeks. The bigger and better clubs that Ibiza offers are slightly further afield. The worlds largest ? Privilege ? which has a capacity of 12,000 compared to 3,000 at Eden and the most outrageous ? Amnesia ? are both ?15 in a taxi along the main road
towards the airport, and by far the most exclusive pair of clubs Pacha and El Divino are both in Ibiza Town on the harbour.

Back in San Antonio Town and onto what I?d call the ?Classier? area of the Town. (Not to say that the West End is a Dump, just to insinuate it enough so that you think it yourselves and feel guilty)
By far the most famous bars in Ibiza are Café Del Mar and Café Mambo ? both on the sunset strip.
Pay twice the price for all drinks and cocktails as on the main street, or, do as I did for 7 months every Wednesday and go to the local Off License and buy a bottle of coke and a bottle of vodka, sit on the rocks in front of these bars enjoying the sunset and the ambient music without the expense. Don?t worry about looking like a cheap northerner, as there?ll be at least 500 others sat with you, carrier bags in hand.
Those of you with arthritis or bum grapes who want to avoid sitting on sharp rocks for an hour watching day turn to night, walk 5 minutes up the road and into the newly opened Coastline and Kanya bars. These two venues are fast becoming the ?new? Del Mar and Mambos.

Families and Couples.
Where San Antonio caters for the majority of the drinking culture associated with Ibiza, most families who travel there will end up in either Playa D?en Bossa or Figuretas, adjacent resorts on the South East coast.
Bossa is a developing resort 5 minutes away from the airport with 3 miles of golden sandy beaches stretching up to the capital city Eivissa and home to the Water Park. The majority of the hotels in Bossa are enormous, and are very popular with both British and German guests. It is an homage to the number of Germanians in Bossa that I actually learnt more German when I was in Spanish-speaking Ibiza than I did when I was living in German Speaking Austria. Zimmer mit Fruhstuck, for example.

Figuretas follows on where Bossa ends, and although the hotels are smaller and tend to be privately owned as opp
osed to the chains of ?Fiestaland? hotels that dominate Bossa, they are just as popular. This is the town where many returnees choose due to its closeness to Eivissa and it?s magical architecture.

Golden Oldies
The gentle generation have pretty much the monopoly of the east Coast towns and villages. Es Cana ? home to the original Hippy Market, and Home to the Hippy market that everyone goes to thinking it?s the original hippy market but its really not - and Santa Eulalia are places where you?d happily send you parents for a holiday. There are promenades to stroll along, a harbour to sit and watch the boats sail by in, a myriad of restaurants and shops, and it?s all fairly flat so it won?t give them an aneurysm.
The colostomy bag equipped will also enjoy Cala Llonga, a tiny village in a natural bay with breath-taking views of the sun rise (I saw it because I?d not gone to bed, they see it because they get up at 3am on holiday to make sure they get their monies worth at breakfast and can do the towel on sunbed thing).
Further north still is the town of Portinatx, which although beautiful is essentially a cliff face with hotels and a road. I thought the place was tranquil, relaxing, and peaceful, but it?s that sheer in places that one step forward heralds a 6-foot fall.

Along with to towns to stay in, there are infinite beaches and towns to spend the day at. In fact, the whole south west coast is littered with secluded beaches that the likes of Jade Jagger and Kate Moss frequent. That said, my quest to be there whilst they frequented said places remained fruitless.
20 minutes drive from anywhere on the island will bring you to the centre of Ibiza?s Capital City Eivissa (pronounced Eye-Bissa, but only if you do it with a Spanish twang, otherwise you look silly and should just call it Ibiza Town).
Eivissa is microcosm within a microcosm. By that I mean Ibiza has something for everyone, and so does Eivissa. I think I?ll stop using po
sh words.
Dominating Eivissa?s skyline is the imposing D?alt Vila Cathedral, which was originally built in 654 B.C, although there is one particular part that the 1970?s town councillors ?restored?, using modern material and a blind stonemason.
Ibiza is a world heritage site due it being the last known island the Phoenician people inhabited before they became Carthaginians. How educated do I sound? You can sound just as educated if you read the little metal twizzy things that are dotted around the city, pointing out stuff for university types. Do I still sound educated? Good.

To educate yourself in an immeasurably different way, seek out the Calle de Virgin ? Virgin Street ? that runs from the harbour front half way through the city. This is where Little Lady Fauntelroy and Big Brother?s Nadia can swap tips on eyebrow pencils, and can discuss the Pros and Cons of Dark Rooms. (If you don?t know what a Dark Room is, ask your friendly neighbourhood gay person to explain, but only if you know them very well and they aren?t shy. Don?t expect their answer to involve anything to do with developing photographs).
The Calle de Virgin is a magnificent exhibition of characters, some in drag, some not, some you?re not sure, and every Friday at midnight they lead a procession through the city and along the harbour front. Well worth missing the last bus home for.

I can?t really do justice to the wonderment of the White Isle, because I?m not about to subject you to a 25 page report on every aspect of the Island?s life, but I can recommend it as a destination for everyone aged 1 to 100.

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