Beware the Evil Blue (Holiday Resorts in Spain in general)

Member Name: Muffin_the_Mule

Product:	Holiday Resorts in Spain in general
Date:	24/09/02 (831 review reads)
Rating:

Advantages: Woohoo feelings

Disadvantages: ouch

Welcome to the world of affordable Package breaks in the Costa Blanca. Welcome to my world. Come on in, but wipe your feet please. And no pets. No smoking at the back either.

Viva Espana.
Who has ever said that, and not go on to buy a Sombrero and Wicker Donkey?

The Costa Blanca. The White Coast. Not Dover. Not White. A bit rocky brown really, but It's lovely and next year I will be presiding there. I might even be living there too.
Just outside the Newtown of Benidorm, the most famous and popular coastal area in the region of Not Dover, there is a really quite splendid water-park that goes by the name of "Aqualandia".
I've just been. Literally - I was there yesterday. And today I'm going to wax lyrical about it for a while. I may even throw in a foreign word or two.

Aqualandia is accessible for 4 Euros by taxi from the main Square in Benidorm, or for 2 Euros, you can get a bus.

Taxi's are your quickest and most reliable way of getting into the park although, such is the bizarre nature of the Taxi fare system in Spain, it actually becomes cheaper to catch the bus back, due to the fact that the driver's meter is set to 'local' when you are taken there and 'central' for them to pick you up.
Thankfully, for your pockets the Buses arrive every 40 minutes and they run/trundle/meander until well after the park closes at 8pm (7pm Mid-season and 6pm for Low Season).

Entry into the park is reasonable, and once you're in, you can easily spend all day in there so long as it doesn't get all cold or you get thrown out for doing a 'Running Bomb' into the Sea Lion Enclosure.
For Adults it's E17 and Children up to the ages of 12 are E10. Children who are 3 and under are free, children who are aged 13 to 17 are left to lament the fact that they are treated as adults but with no right of a vote or legal alcohol consumption in the UK. Children who are 17 don't like to be called Children, but really you are. Honest. You'll laugh at that skirt next year Julie.

Ok. Now you're inside. First thing to marvel at is the size of the place. This is NOT the Blackpool Sandcastle. Or even that one in Rhyl. This is bloody enormous.

Hand over a few gleaming E1 coins and in return you get a key to a locker, into which your clothes may go. Not all of them mind, they don't like you to do nudity. Although they do let you do topless sunbathing. You can lie still and be half naked, just don't think about walking half naked.
The Locker room is hilarious. No honestly it is. Ordinarily, locker 1 is next to locker 2, which understandably is followed by locker 3. That's fine, except when you get to the end of a row. Don't expect the follow-on row to be the nearest one. Got to the back of the room, round the corner and it'll be somewhere there. Maybe.
Swimming togs in place, key around wrist. It's slide time.
I was visiting Aqualandia with my good chum Sarah. Sarah is a holiday rep and therefore Mental by trade, only she's not keen on slides and stuff. That didn't stop me 'physically encouraging' her to come on a few of them, just by kicks. Sorry, FOR Kicks.

There are a total of 15 different slides or attractions in Aqualandia, Between Sarah and Myself, we got on them all, no queuing required.

In the distance, peeking cheekily over the horizon is what looks like a vertical pillar. I think I'll almost probably definitely go and investigate that in the near future. But first, there's a 5 laned bumper ride to be negotiated. And that's just over there, so no trekking required.

'Pista Blandas' is the spell-check unfriendly name of this particular slide, Several bumps in a straight line. Like the rides you used to get at Pee-wee Hermans adventure playpark in Llandudno, you don't have to ride in a sack-cloth toboggan in Spain though. To the Top, you get the signal from the lovely Lifeguard to set off.
First Bump, you will at this point realise you are now facing the wrong way and are cascading down head first.
Bump Two flings you admirably clean over bump three and you land side on at bump 4 like a rag-doll, eventually sploshing into the pool at the bottom, girls checking bikini tops, lads removing arse-wedges of shorts. Hilarity to be had from here on in.
Pista Blandas rather imaginatively this translates as 'Soft Track' and not 'bouncy track of death' as I thought at first.

Directly beside flingy-flingy-fly-tumble-bounce slide is the 'Black Hole'
Tandem Inflatable rafts are provided you you to try not to fall off all the way down the twisty routes - there are 2 intertwining pitch-black undulating tubes of plastic - they're both different, do both. Don't fall off.

A short walk up a hill, and trust me (this place is effectively one big hill) is a ride not recommended for anyone who packs Anusol in their suitcases. 'Rapids' is a series of whirlpools linked by concrete slopes. Concrete slopes. Slopes of Concrete. So. You go round gently in circles, lovely and gentle....tip backwards down a slope constructed of 3 parts powder, 2 parts sand and 1 part water, gently round and round... and so on for 6 pools, before learning to remove buttocks from near bottom of rubber ring when approaching edge of whirling, else you'll need to borrow the rubber ring to sit on for the duration of your stay.

Waddle away from the Rapids, and off past the 'Laguna' which is not a damp Renault, but is essentially a big pool that you can negotiate by monkey bridges and ropes and such like. Being loose of limb and sore of rump, I simply swam to the other side and laughed at the swingy-sway manner that Sarah opted to cross with.

By now, the vertical tube is much closer and it has now come to my attention that it is in reality a slide. About 80 feet of vertical slide. Cough.

Somewhere else first I suggested.

ZigZag is a set of again 5 different slides that you race 4 others down. High sided and fast, it's a quintuplet of fun, although sadly I once again ended up hitting the water face first after setting off feet to the fore.
By now, you will be feeling slightly dizzy and probably peckish, so you can stop off at one of the picnic areas or outdoor snack bars to chomp through Burgers, Pizzas or Paella.

What not to do straight after eating is ride 'Kamikaze' , which is almost as bad as it sounds, but in reality is possibly the tamest of all the rides in the park, the website for the park (www.aqualandia.net) however eats up the feelings with this description:

"Its name says it all. Do you dare? These are sensations! The pleasure of speed. You will see how much you like it! Wow! How intense! Oh, there are two of these! Should we try the other one? Say yes, valiant one! "

So, Valiant ones!!..... Come hither to the pant-filler.
'The Big Bang' is a collection of 5 slides. Another 5 laner, this one you ride on a mat, head first and have generally more control in the direction you face.
Then you have 4 slides mounted on a scaffolding type structure, although I will assure you that it a lot more secure than I am making I sound.

Slide 4 - Orange.
Sarah rode Orange, oh brave sole. She started screaming even before she had started to slide, and only stopped when her head went under water.

Slide 3 - Green.
An enclosed tube, I'm not entirely sure this one is put together as well as the designers intended because it hurt to buggery each time I slid over a joint.

Slide 1 - Yellow.
Yes, I know I've missed 2 out - there's a reason for it too.
Yellow is the biggest slide I've ever seen. Ever. It is in fact the highest chute in Europe. It looks a lot like those tubes builders use to chuck rubbish into skips from tall buildings, only this one is open fronted and very nearly vertical to boot. Many many scared noises emanated from my mouth on the way down this slide.

Slide 2 - Blue. Evil evil evil blue.
Blue slide, Blue is the second tallest, but lordy it is about 5 times as terrifying.
Basically, you set off at about 45 degrees for about 20 feet, then all of a sudden, you realise the slide has disappeared, and your not on it. Nowhere near it in fact. You can see it below you, but you just lack the feeling on being on it. that secure feeling. You're in free fall. You're going to die. Then, by either fluke or magnificent understanding of physics, you re-join the slide just as it tapers off at the bottom. There is absolutely no need for about a 60 foot stretch of slide in the middle. You could sell it as new, never been touched.
Evil Blue was the only slide I didn't ride more than once.
Infact, I had half an hour on the lazy river to get over it.
Overall, Aqualandia is an awesome half day that you can easily extend into an excellent full day out for all the family. Some rides do have a height restriction, but there is still plenty for the kids to do.

Just beware the evil blue.


******I know, this isn't the best category, but its the nearest i can get, and Blair stil calls himself Labour, so i think that Justifies me. Oooh and Dooyoo Embraces the Euro sign about as well as Rik Mayall does, so the E will have to do.*******

Summary: Sploshy