The Illuminations. (Blackpool in General)

Member Name: Bilbo Baggins

Product:	Blackpool in General
Date:	30/10/01 (473 review reads)
Rating:

Advantages: great fun for everyone

Disadvantages: A bit tacky

A big rusty knob from hell illuminates Blackpool by day and by night. This huge bellend of a structure is one of Blackpool's most prized possessions. I'm so glad the yanks couldn't afford it. An eyesore and a treasure in Britain's trove.

You can go up and down it in the lift or if you are a romantic about to be wed, you can get married up there. I'd rather choose the Eiffel Tower myself but if you want to combine a cheap marriage and honeymoon in one stop then book the tower. For me as a Glossopian (see my review on Glossop), heights are not a novelty. Seeing what a flat area of terraced houses looks like from above just doesn't excite me. Dropping coins on people's heads however does. Apparently a coin if dropped accurately from a height such as that of Blackpool tower can inflict some serious damage to a bald man's scalp below. I've never hit anyone as the wind has always played in the bald man's favour.

Everyone knows or has heard of Blackpool illuminations and I have heard them described as tacky. But why? How can thousands of different coloured lights depicting so many forms and spectacles be classed as tacky? A feat of lighting genius more like. I once knew a simple lad with learning difficulties who had an uncanny logical mind. I asked him what he wanted to be when he grew up and he said "a lightbulb changer in Blackpool." I contemplated this for 20 seconds and then said "why?" His response was "because you'll never be out of work!"

The beach. Everyone has something to say about Blackpool's beach. You can't see it for the soil. Or sewage. Something smelly is always hanging in the air. I've never trusted the beach and it's microorgasmic inhabitants at all. I wouldn't swim in the sea until you're lashed out of your head on a concoction of alcohol, antibiotics, stuck with at least 7 immunisatory needles, antidepressants for the after-e
ffects and the painkillers for the jellyfish stings.
Jellyfish seem to come with the Blackpool beach package. As a kid I thought they were naturally segmented into cake like organisms. Over my teenage years I realised that was because of all the evil little kids spading them to death. Kids in Blackpool don't build sandcastles or ride donkeys anymore. Instead they spade to death poor innocent and defenceless Jellyfish. "Look mummy, a Jellyfish. Don't worry, it won't sting, I've shovelled it to death with this plastic spade you bought for me!"

Parallel to the wide expanse of beach is the Golden mile shop front. This is filled with all kinds of attractions. Be attracted to them if you wish. It's a great day out for Disavow junkies. Most of the shops sell the same things and look identical. After walking for miles with blisters on your feet I'll guarantee that you will not discover anything new. I'm not talking about the attractions such as the Sea Life Centre, Mr. Bees and the night-clubs. I'm talking about the Kiss Me Quick hat shops. The shops with plastic swimming divers, the T-shirts full of expletives. The amusement arcades amuse me no end until I've been in 3 and my pocket has dried up of all it's shining glory. I'm not going to go into great depth about the arcades. 9 times out of 10, you put your money in a slot and nothing comes out the other end.

Move not far left or right from wherever you stand in Blackpool and you undoubtedly come across one of the many many greasy spoon cafes. Fish chips and mushy peas all round. My theory is that there are 101 very ugly sisters all around the same age that are chosen my God to work in these places. They never seem to tire of their chip frying and their hake breading and all wear sea blue pinnys. I love that there are people like that in Blackpool, they make the fish and chips taste good. And mop the floors.

After a stomach full of
grease and green food colouring you are ready to brave the rollercoasters from hell. You'll find these at the Pleasure Beach. Now the Big One has been built all the others pale into insignificance. But to me even the Big One is not steep enough. It gradually gets steeper as you go over the top. Why not just go very steep straight away? That would be scarier! I'm sure the designers only have our safety in mind. Another good attraction on the Pleasure Beach is the Playstation ride on which the safety assistants often do a little dance and then pretend to blow you off their hand into the sky. The illusion is actually very good but the ride doesn't last too long. Which brings me to the prices. They are Dick Turpin style. Except maybe for the Passage of Terror which is home to a number of failed actors acting out scenes from horror movies in the various darkened rooms. Freddie Kruger or someone similar at one points comes after you with a spade scraping along the ground and along railings. Regan from the Excorist is also there in all her glory pretending to spew her innards out at you. It's well worth being frightened for, it's truly an experience you will never forget.

As is Blackpool.

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