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Charvas, unemployment and location - three problems Hebburn faces
Date: 18/12/00, updated on 24/11/04 (558 review reads)
Disadvantages: Charvas, unemployment and location
Hebburn. No-one's heard of it, unless they live there. No-one likes it, especially if they live there. Famous for - well, nothing, Hebburn qualifies as the dullest town in the North.
As I see it, Hebburn has three problems: unemployment, location and charvas.
Hebburn was once a busy, happy shipbuilding town. The many shipyards employed many workers. When the shipyards all closed down, partially due to competition, partly due to the government not wanting them there, thousands were made redundant. Unemployment was high, crime was rife, and poverty was a way of life. No rich people lived in Hebburn. Rich people could afford to live in less grotsome areas. The residents of Hebburn could not afford to move out, and Hebburn, as a town, died.
In the 1960s(ish), a lot was done to revitalise Hebburn. Blocks of flats were erected, the town centre was moved from the river-front to a more accesible, inland location, and new service-providers were lured in by the promise of cheap rent. Shops sprang up, bringing jobs to a few, and food to all. Hebburn's socio-economic status increased, and with that, the town-pride of the residents increased. It was no longer a horrible town to live in. Council schemes had actually made it quite nice to live in, with new parks, money for education, and later a fast, efficient local train service (the Tyneside Metro) was introduced, bringing Hebburn closer to its administrative town, South Shields, and the North's cultural capital, Newcastle.
And now we hear of new orders for the ship-yards, bringing thousands of jobs - much-needed employment and much-needed money. The shipbuilding skills that the population of Hebburn has in abundance will at last be put to use, after years of enforced laziness.
Hebburn is bang in the middle of the Tyneside conurbation. There is nothing to indicate the border between Hebburn and it's nearest- neighbouring towns other than a sign. It i
s effectively just one small cog in the mechanism that is Newcastle and the North-East.
Hebburn is situated on the river Tyne, between the towns Jarrow and Pelaw.
Hebburn's biggest problem is not the unemployment, not the grotsome location, but the charvas. It is hard to describe a charva, but this is an attempt:
Related species: None - the charva is unique.
Size: Variable from 4'0" to 6'2".
Habitat: Street corners, invariably.
Behaviour: Drinks cheap cider, on street corners. Accosts passers-by
("H'v' y' go' a quid y' c'n lend 'z mayat?").
Flocking: 3 - 25
Flight: Runs away at the slightest sign of danger (usually self-invoked).
Voice: A nasal whine, somewhere between a whinge and strangulation.
Crown: Baseball cap with prominent brand-name, occasionally worn back-to-front.
Upperparts: Tracksuit / pink leather jacket, the former with prominent brand name (usually Kappa).
Rump: Large. Unaccountably tempting to kick.
Tail: Although a primitive species, the charva's tail evolved away a long time ago.
Throat: Frequently has cheap cider poured down it in large quantities.
Belly: Variable - females either anorexically thin or extremely large. Often flaunted in public. Regrettably.
Mouth: Full of insults, provacations, self-indulgent flattery, put-downs, and nasal whinges. Rarely closed.
Legs: Variable - often covered in fake tan. Fat charvas go for miniskirts, which is a mistake.
Juvenile: Regrettably, juveniles are very common. Identical to mature, only smaller.
Eggs: Live young. The more reptilian in form are rumoured to lay eggs and incubate them, but these rumours have all been categorically denied by the individuals in question.
Fledging: Three years. Immediately clothed in Kappa.
s: One every nine months, on average.
Food: Cheap cider, chips.
Poulation: TOO BIG. Rapidly expanding - if the increase in numbers increases, preventative measures may need to be taken.
I am not sure if the charva's range extends beyond the North East of England. In Bristol I believe they're called Pilkies.