Fisticuffs at Dominoes (Keswick in general)

Member Name: Aspen

Product:	Keswick in general
Date:	10/09/01 (285 review reads)
Rating:

Advantages: Great scenery, and entertainment both intentional and unintentional.

Disadvantages: Sometimes it rains.

I have visited the Lakes only thrice.

The first time, in nineteen oat-cake, it rained.

The second time, in nineteen black-bun, it rained.

This time, on 19 June 2001, it positively piddled.

Serves you right, you may say. Go to Skye, as usual. Aspen is, of course, attracted to dreich weather.


But whatever, on the way home from a rare trip to the deep south, I decided to deviate to Keswick, and do an overnight stop. In fact, I decided on more than an overnight stop – I decided to have a day off.

In the rain.

So although I ended up based in Keswick, this opinion stretches a wee bit beyond this town.

Forgive me for that.



There follows three separate bits.

And that is the extent of my aspirations to be a sub-editor.



PRE-AMBLE(side) – (Harh! first bad joke)

My probably un-noticed absence for a short period in June was not unconnected with the overgrown garden problems of a friend on the south side of London. Which is why Aspen, ever up for a challenge, did a 1200 mile round trip with an industrial-strength strimmer. Maybe it was the way it was put – bring strimmer, have free holiday – which brought out the Aberdonian in me. We are, after all, reputedly almost as tight as the zip on a Yorkshireman’s wallet.

Enough information.

Suffice it to say that, en route home, I decided to dawdle for a day in the Lake District, to re-kindle some old memories, and create a few new ones.

I struck off the M6 to Kendal, lights and wipers at full throttle. I wandered, wetly, around Windermere; sought desperately and unsuccessfully for an alliteration around Bowness, or as some would have it, Bo’ness (although I think that’s somewhere else entirely); ambled awhile in Ambleside; and eventually arrived in Keswick.

But not directly.


GENERAL SERIOUS BIT

I ditched
the map, and took to the side roads.

If you come from the city, or even a town, and do your periodic holiday thing in Cumbria, you probably wouldn’t notice.

But I live and work in a rural community, and I noticed.

I mean, with all the important Election stuff at the time, it wasn’t making headlines any more.

I couldn’t believe the countryside was so green.

Why is it green?

Because it isn’t grazed. And all the pasture is knee-high.

And as you move up over the cattle-grids, to the hill ground and common grazing, it’s still knee-high, and still green.

It is not grazed, because there is nothing left to graze it.

We have all seen it on the television. Some of us have experienced the preventative measures close up.

But it only strikes home when you see it at first hand.

No cattle in the pastures. No sheep on the hillsides.

It is eerie, and it is disturbing.

And I urge you, if you care at all, do not forget that we still have a crisis.

The election may be past and forgotten, and other events in the world deflect the media’s attention.

But we still have a crisis.


SPECIFIC LESS-SERIOUS WHERE-NOT-TO-STAY BIT

So I checked in to The Twa Dogs, Penrith Road, Keswick. £45 per night for B&B, unless they’re desperately empty. I got it for £35. I was the only guest.

Given that the room was well-appointed, clean, en-suite, with telly and coffee and even biccies, warm and comfortable – I bear no grudges. It was better than a Travelodge, and for twenty quid less (if you allow for the breakfast).

I parked myself at the bar, as you do, and surveyed the empty premises.

My enquiry elicited the promise that it would liven up later, ‘cos there was a Dominoes match on.

I could hardly contain myself, so I politely sought a pint of Jennings coloured wa
ter.

Yes, I know. What sort of pillock would end up staying in a Jennings pub? I didn’t notice until it was too late, okay?

But when I ordered the rack of lamb, with all the trimmings, I have to say it was excellent (at £7.95). I can’t comment on the rest of the menu, because I am only capable of eating one meal at a time, but I can say it was sufficiently diverse to have me swithering for many a mouth-watering minute. I can only assume the cook/chef was passing through.

I left discreetly when the local worthies dribbled in for the Dominoes match, and tried the other pubs in Keswick. When I say tried, I mean as far as the door. I will say that Keswick boasts many tempting eateries, and I wish I had had time to try at least some of them. But when you have already eaten, and you just fancy a quiet pint, you are treated like a leper.

How dare I ask for a beer, if I am not going to sit down and eat (again)?

On which basis, let me recommend the Queens Head, which will serve you a good meal, if that is what you seek, but will also welcome you to sit at the bar, and ply you with beer (that’s beer, as opposed to Jennings), without making you feel like an alien if you don’t ask for a menu.

And so I returned to the Twa Dogs, to see how the Dominoes match was progressing.

A dispute had occurred between two geriatric Cumbrian farmers, resulting in fisticuffs.

Dear, dear.

I thought that only happened in Scottish pubs.

I was almost right, as a third geriatric participant intervened, displaying a broad Glaswegian accent. But at least on this occasion, he was the ref.

The saving grace was the barmaid (I can use the term –maid because I know she wouldn’t mind), who chatted up the drunken geriatric domino-yobs with her gold-studded tongue so far in her cheek she looked like Billy Bunter’s hamster.

Actually, there are so many tales to
tell I could go on forever, but the overwhelmingly pungent pooch which had free run of the guest accommodation, and whose odours hang around me still, 300 miles and a couple of months later, verges on the anecdotal.

So let’s not go there. Let’s just try to be useful.


If, like me, you are a people-watcher, and like your entertainment slightly off-the-wall, book a night at The Twa Dogs in Keswick.

If you are normal and/or a boring (old) fart, book a Travelodge.

Summary: