Byker Grove my ar*e (Newcastle upon Tyne)

Member Name: angry chris

Product:	Newcastle upon Tyne
Date:	09/01/03 (3314 review reads)
Rating:

Advantages: Wonderful views, Great for a booze-up, Load to see and do.

Disadvantages: The Bigg Market still exists, Transport is fairly crap, Oh, those underacheiving bas**rds...

Whippets, Football shirts, boozing and wife beating. The perfect summing up of the stereotypical Geordie, as viewed through the eyes of 90 % of the worlds population. Yet a little digger deeping will find that there is a lot more to "Geordieland" than meets the eye.

Situated in the far North East reaches of England, Newcastle is a moderately large City with a population of around 450,000 people. As is commonly done, it is combined with it's neighbour Gateshead to form Tyneside, with a population of nearly 800,000 bodies stretching all the way along the banks of the River Tyne. Despite claims from other less inhabitable cities in the area, it is the industrial and commercial heartland of the North East.

Unlike it's main North East neighbour cities, it is hard to classify as either an industrial city, like the Smog-land that is Middlesborough, or a tiny insignificant pile of cack, like Sunderland. While it certainly has it's industrial areas, much of the areas industrial regions are situated on the outskirts of the City, or over in the Team Valley Trading Estate, over in Gateshead. It also has a fair share of Cultural and Historical ports of call, indeed, these are the basis for the Newcastle/Gateshead bid for European Capital of Culture for 2008. Despite the hinderance that is Gateshead, the bid has been shortlisted and will be judged in the summer of this year.

Newcastle is a compact and robust city, unusual in that while it spreads over a large area-almost 14 miles along the Tyne, much of it's places of interest are all bundled together in a very small area. Compared to some of the British Cities I've been to, such as London, Manchester, Sheffield, Glasgow and Leeds, it can feel quite small. Just try telling the Geordies that!

Another strange quirk is that the City Centre is not actually no-where near the centre of the city. Travelling north and crossing the river from Gateshead will lead d
irectly into the City Centre. No hassle, unless you want to travel into one of the districts of Newcastle, which can be a little more difficult. I'll come back to that...

PARTY CAPITAL OF BRITAIN.

Drinking. Lets not pretend here. Geordies have gained something of a reputation for liking the odd drink. One trip to the City will probably explain why. Year upon year, the World Tourism Board will make it's list, including the one for "Party Places". In that top ten, you will almost always find Newcastle(ranked 7th last year, incidently).
This should not really come as much of a surprise, despite the fiasco that was the Love Parade, back in 2001.(For those who don't know, a massive street party was cancelled because the Council forgot to ask the Coppers' permission to have the party at the same time as Newcastle were playing. Doh!) You will be hard pushed to find anywhere in the world which has so many "watering holes" in such a small space. Entire streets and districts are designated drinking areas, scattered liberally throughout the City.

Probably the most famous of them all is the Bigg Market. Situated bang in the middle of the City Centre, it has attracted more publicity than anywhere else in Newcastle as far as drinking goes. It is where Newcastle fans tend to go when we inevitably lose again in the Cup Final, before rather foolishly start rampaging through the streets. The idea of "Fat birds spewing in the gutter" will take a considerable amount of time to dissappear.
Almost the entire street is geared towards teenagers, ranging from 16 upwards. Almost all Geordies will have started their nights out in town on the Bigg Market. Dance and pop music are the usual fare, along with bright lights and plenty of jailbait. Anyone who wonders how people can mistake 15 year old girls for women need look no further than this.

Bars are a plenty. At the top of the street
is Chambers, theotherically a 21 bar but open to all with either money or well supported breasts. Theme nights are now the norm here, with even Nu-Metal making an appearance. Expect to pay an arm and a leg and a torso for a pint.
Moving down slightly is the Vault, another supposedly 21's pub. Highlights here include the "Wheel of fortune", where buying a drink will enable you to spin the wheel and get anything from a free drink to a hiding from the heavies outside. Just kidding. This is only on during the week. Weekends tend to be dominated by Dolly Birds with minute amounts of clothing dancing around poles about a foot from your face. Thankfully, it's quite dark inside...
Underneath the Vault is a rare gem in the Bigg Market-Ramm Jams. Pleasant music of the not too loud and thumpy variety is accompanied by cheap spirits and bottles most nights of the week. Equally amusing are the door staff, who will decide whether it is a 18 or 21 bar, depending on how much they like the look of you. Plently of seating and a good atmosphere makes this well worth a look.
Which is more than can be said for the Pig and Whistle, the largest bar in the street. Chairs and tables seem to be a luxury too far for this place, and despite cheap drinks during the week, the weekend prices are a disgrace-£3.50 a pint anyone? Also worth noting is the lovely clean floor, which will almost certainly rip the soles off your shoes if you stand in one spot too long.
Underneath here is Yell, another God-forsaken hellhole. Loud music, rooms full of ar*eholes and 3 quid a pint for the most blatently watered down beer you will ever taste. Avoid.
Accross the road of this you will find Liquid, a spirits based bar which has a main USP of selling house spirits at £2 a treble and mixer. Imagine a load of teenagers drinking tons of cheap Vodka and dancing to Fatboy Slim, and decide for yourself.
Directly below this is Kiss, which actually has the makings
of a decent bar-good decor, large dance floor and decent selections of music(hands up who loves The Foundations?). However, a lack of chairs and tables again make things awkward, and prices do rise steeply after 8pm at the weekends.

As you might expect, the whole place is littered with the usual expance of takeaway delights, such as Pizzas, KFC, McDonalds(of course) and tasty Kebabs.

As you may have guessed, I'm not a fan of the Bigg Market, although I loved it when I was about 16. Despite the fact that is full of pubs and places to get food poisoning, there are some slight problems. The main one is that all the pubs close at 11pm and so by about 10.30pm tens of thousands of teenage drinkers are slinging as much down their necks as they can. Cue, within 15 minutes or so, an almighty scramble for taxis, the inevitable plethora of punch ups and a pile of fat birds spewing in the gutter. The chances of you being either attacked or robbed by a gang of pissed up 17 year old idiots are unfortunately high, and thus makes the Bigg Market the ideal place to avoid on a night out.

For those of more adult and intelligent persuasion, there are thankfully other places to visit. In the last ten years, Newcastle Quayside has gone from the place where the sunday market is held to the most vibrant and lively area of the city. On a night time, the place is full of party goers, looking for a place to pass out.
Personal favourites include Chase, situated at the very bottom of the Swing Bridge. Cheap and cheerful for the most part, it is big enough to enable most people a seat if they wish, and a plentiful space for dancing if that's your thing.
Along from Chase is Casa, a queit middle class type wine bar. No 16 year olds in tracksuits here. Quite expensive, but recommended mainly for the stunning views accross the river.
Slightly further along, near the Metro bridge is the familiar sight of JD Wetherspoons. However, this is we
ll worth a look, as it's exterior and interior are majestic, set as they are in an old barn-house. The courtyard area remains open until close at 11pm, if it gets too hot inside.

The main problem with the Quayside is undoubtedly the prices. However, if you want to spend time in the company of those who in the main are not waiting to attack you, it's worth the cash.

The Haymarket is also an area of interest for those of you who wish to indulge in some cheap drinking. Particularly good is the Goose and the Garden, next to Eldon Gardens. Pints for a quid, all day every day are the main thing here. Favourite for after match celebrations include Bar Oz, opposite Haymarket Metro, which offers bottled beer at a resonable price, along with the biggest projector screen you will see. Great for those after match interviews.

Central Station and it's surrounding have become something of a gay scene over the last few years. I'm given good assurances that the places to visit for those inclined are Heavens Above, near Times Square at the Centre for Life, and Gotham Town, opposite Central Station. Of the places I've been to, the most famous is probably Rockshots, which is situated on Waterloo Street next to the Performing Arts Centre. This is probably the best place to go if you have enquiries about these type of pubs.

Strangely,Newcastle is often critisised for it's lack of Nightclubs. For a place of so many pubs, there are very few clubs open until late. These include:

IKON-If you want to go to a place where the surviving Bigg Market drinkers go to continue avoiding punches and drug dealers, then this is the place. Loud trance and a variety of expensive drinks are the order of the day. Smells of horse shite inside. FHM Magazine recnetly nominated in the five most burnable nightclubs in the UK.

LEGENDS-Like IKON but only with 80's music and much more expensive. Expect to pay around £8
to get in on a Friday.

TUXEDO PRINCESS-The boat as it is referred to by the locals, this club is actually on Hillgates Quays on the Gateshead side of the river, but is still a popular destination for clubbers from Newcastle. Highlights include drinking on the deck and watching the river flow by, the revolving dancefloor and a good laugh on Wednesday Night student parties.

BAHA BEACH-HOUSE-Accross the road from the bopat os the Baha, where bar staff where hula outfits and the bar is actually split into loads of little mini "stalls" where individual staff serve drinks from fridges. Queueing for an hour on a Saturday can be a real pain in the backside.

SEA-Where all the Newcastle United footballers go, and thus is priced accordingly. Queues last about an hour at weekends, and prices for the VIP area usually come to around £30 to get in.

JULIES2-Opposite Sea on the Quayside, this seemed quite good, if a touch expensive, however, last time I was there the manager told me to leave as "I wasn't the type of clientelle expected in the place". Very bloody nice.

CUBA-CUBA-Recommended for those of you who prefer Metallica to Sash. Gets quite full most nghts, but is cheap and cheerful inside, with a generally good atmosphere most of the time.

These are the main ones. There is lots more I could write on this, but those of you still awake would probably be beating the PC by this point. Needless to say, Newcastles reputation as a place to drink is far from unfounded.

SHOPPING.

At the centre of Newcastle City Centre, you can find Grays Monument, a 150+ feet statue deicated to Earl Gray, a leading polition of the late 19th Century. This spot is widely taken to be the centre of the City centre, if you will. All around this spot in all directions are the shopping areas in Newcastle. Every leading department store, sports store, jewellers and the like will be found here.
The mos
t predominant street is Northumberland Street, Newcastle's answer to Regent St in London. Though tiny by comparison, the resemblence can be seen, and it is a haven for all you shop-a-holics out there.

There are two shopping malls in Newcastle. The largest and oldest of the two is Eldon Square, which runs throughout the city centre. Unusual in that it has no fixed shape-it literally winds through the streets as opposed to being an oval in a set area, and that it is very narrow and has a moderately low ceiling, it is filled to the brim with all the shops you could need, as well as the usual array of McDonalds and the like.

The second Mall is opposite Gray's Monument, and is originally titled Monument Mall. It's grand exterior hides the fact that it only contains around 30 shops, although the top floor houses a vast array of places to tuck into some tasty food. Once a failing expensive flop, the mall is beginning to show signs of recovery. Also, check out the lifts. They practically break the sound barrier. Terrifying stuff!

FOOTBALL.

Newcastle is home to those great heartbreaking underacheivers, Newcastle United. St James Park, situated at Strawberry Place in Newcastle, around 5 minutes walk from the Monument, is the second largest football stadia in England, housing just over 52 000 screaming geordies every game. Trying to get tickets in impossible, as almost all the seats are sold on a season ticket only basis.
Even to those who are not football fans, the stadium is breathtaking, even from the outside. The new stand, with its capacity of almost 20,000, dominates the skyline almost wherever you are in the city. It becomes eve more breathtaking on matchdays, as 52 000 people creat a cauldof noise. When Newcastle score, the roar can be heard anywhere in the city centre.

Of course, the people of Newcastle are notorious for there loyalty to the club and the fanaticism of there support. The first b
unch of idiots to truly embrace the idea of replica shirts were the Geordies. Masses of black and white shirts will be seen worn around the city on any given day.

Managed by former England manager and legend Sir Bobby Robosn and captained by former England skipper Alan Shearer, it's only a matter of time before trophies start flooding back to Tyneside...

Honest.

TRANSPORT.

The A1(M) Runs directly from London to Newcastle from the south, and carries on through to Edinborough in the North. Traffic tends to flood over the Tyne bridges, especially at rush hour times, so it's best to leave early or later.
Newcastle's bus services are run by Arriva, Stagecoach and Go-North east, and are the same as everywhere else:unreliable, uncomfortable and too expensive. Travel centres can give more information, and are scattered throughout the city.
Central Station is Newcastles mainline railway station, and is surprisingly large and archietectually pleasing. Trains run regularly to London, Manchester, Liverpool, Glasgow, Sheffield and most other major cities. Unlike most train stations, there is no need to avoid the toilets, these are amazingly clean and smell/graffitti free.
The Metro is Tyne and Wear's equivalent of the London Underground-a high speend light transport system which has just been extended to travel to Sunderland. In recent years, unfortunately, it has become crowded, overpriced and rather dangerous, particularly late at night. The Metro houses most of the travel centres in the area.
Newcastle International Airport is situated on the outskirts of Newcastle, near Callerton Parkway. It can be best reached by regular Metro trains, which run to it every 15 minutes.

THE RIVER TYNE.

Newcastle's most famous sight is surely of the Tyne and it's bridges, seamlessly linking Gateshead and Newcastle. The most famous of course is the Tyne Bridge, a stunning bridge which dominate
s the River in the built up section. Lifts run from the top to the quayside below for pedestrians, while the A1(M) crosses over it. A stunning site, particularly at night.
However, it is not alone. The Swing Bridge is almost underneath the Tyne Bridge, and it named due to it's ability to open and close to allow passage to ships. This little red beauty was used during the "legendary" children's programme, Geordie Racer.
Further from this is the High Level Bridge. This old wooden monster allows passage to cars along the bottom, but also to trains along it's top. Unique for it's time, it, not surprisingly, is the highest of the bridges. Not reccommended for those with Vertigo!
Next along is the King Edward Bridge, which looks similar to the High Level Bridge but is used only for trains going into and coming out of Central Station.
Next is the modern(ish) Queen Elizabeth II bridge, or the Metro Bridge. Guess what this one is for...
Finally comes the Redhuegh Bridge:a truly terrifying experience for anyone who has even the slightest fear of heights. Made to feel higher by the fact that the guard rails on the side are about a foot high, this bridge is closed when the windy weather comes in. Once you see it, you'll know why.

Oh yes, I should mention the award winning Millenium Eye bridge which was put in place as Gateshead's contribution to the Millenium celebrations, but technically, it is in Gateshead, and not Newcastle(so there!).


HISTORICAL INTEREST

Much of Newcastle is of historical interest, but a few things stand out of the pack.

The aforementioned Grays Monument is a wonderful piece of work, dating back several decades now. Best of all is the fact that you can pay a quid during the summer months and climb the steps which wind up the inside until you reach the top, where you can spit on young children until your heart's content.
On the Newcastle side of
the High Level bridge is the Castle Keep. This is essentially what reamins of the Castle which gave Newcastle it's name. Now a national Heritage site and a listed building, it's worth the small enterance fee to wander around the dungeons and the halls left standing.
Newcastle's Cathederal, St Nicholas's Cathederal, is just up the road from the keep. While small comared to some of the other more famous examples, it still inspires a great deal of respect from both inside and out.
Blackfriars, situated in Chinatown next to St James Park, is a wonderful scenic place to relax when the weather is nice. Previously home to a group of Blackfriar monks, the place is now a public garden and a series of small, themed shops which are the perfect setting to wind down and relax.

"TOURISTY "STUFF

Like most places now, Newcastle has begun embracing tourism in a big way. Aside from the aforementioned, the Centre for Life working museum is a brand new, state of the art centre exploring science in the 21st century. This centre, Newcastle's contribution to the millenium celebrations, has a varety of exibits including virtual reality rides and guided tours for both groups and members of the public.
Other mucseums and galleries include the Laing Gallery, near IKON nightclub, a home for all types of art, including both modern and more historical pieces.
The Hancock museum is situated next to the main Campus of Newcastle University next to the Haymarket, and has a wide range of rotating displays, including "Monsters at the Hancock", a stunning exibit featuring Dinosaurs and other animal hunters.

Further up the road from the Hancock museum is Exibition Park, several acres of stunning grassland laid out near the town moor. Featuring the usual stuff such as a boating lake, crazy golf and the like, this park is a fabulous place to relax in the summer month.

The memorial statue at Old Eldon Square
in the summer becomes a heaving mass of people jostling for space to lie on the grass surrounding it and having a quick relax. In the winter, it is surrounded by hordes of punks, rockers, hippies and other people of this persuasion, hence the nickname "Hippy Square".


In an attempt to spare the lives of those of you still reading this, I'll leave things at that. Apologies to those people who think I have missed something out-you are probably right.

As people who know me know, my contempt for Gateshead, the place where I dwell, has no bounds. However, this does not spread to Newcastle, which, although has its faults like anywhere else, has a variety of splendid and interestingl things which make it a fitting contender for "Capital of Culture". If that fails, at least there's plenty of places where we can have a drink! Now where's that bloody dog gone...

Thank you for reading and rating this very, very long op, and a belated happy new year to you all!

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