A tale or two. (Abortion)

Member Name: peel.rebekah

Product:	Abortion
Date:	03/07/01 (380 review reads)
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Right, this category has been around long enough for most of you Dooyooers to get the general gist of emotive personal responses, the detailed analytical approach and religious doctrine - all valid reactions to a subject that chews at the core of our being: Is it right to terminate a life 'before' it has begun?

So what can I add to this debate?

Statement: I have never had an abortion. My partner asked me to have one; I declined; the outcome of that decision is a 17 month old lump of loveliness called Victor: With hindsight, my now husband acknowledges that his gut reaction to the shock news that I was with child was pure fright: Was it time? Was he ready for this responsibility? Did he love me enough? All these questions have now been answered with an adoring lingering glance at his son - he doesn't regret MY decision (although he sticks to his guns on the fact that the father should have a say in such a situation).

My sentiments on the matter were this: This child was created out of love; I was not forced upon, he was not conceived via a one night stand, I had been with my partner for a number of years previously, I was old enough and economically sound enough to raise this child on my own if need be - this baby was meant to be.

I gave my partner the options:

1) If I granted him this termination, I would no longer be able to be with him - he would have made me take a decision I would regret for the rest of my life, and I wouldn't have the heart to hold that against him for the rest of our relationship.

2) If he wasn't happy with my decision, then I would gladly return to my homeland, baby and all, and become a single mother: My reasoning was that I would prefer to lose only one person I love, rather than two.

3) He could bear with me (and trust me, I was hard to bear some of the time), for the duration of the pregnancy and see if he felt any differently at the outcome (which, in my
heart of hearts, I knew would be true - my husband is a child in so many ways, but he exudes love and kindness).

I haven't had an abortion - yet; the future holds our destiny, and maybe, one day, I will find myself between a rock and a hard place:

Terminating a pregnancy after having had a child must be one of the hardest things for a woman to do: She knows the absolute love she has/will have for that life, and to deprive herself of this (as well as taking the responsibility and guilt of the ending of that life) must tear her heart in two. I have a deep respect for a woman who can make that decision, no matter what the reasoning behind it.

Enough about me. Let's talk about people that HAVE had abortions:

Julie was twenty-six, she got pregnant whilst taking sanctuary with a friend after her and her boyfriend split up. Unfortunately, she was a woman who felt the call of nature deep in her loins. Unfortunately, she was also a woman who made her living through the curves of her body (an exotic dancer). Bad things come in threes, and Julie was also the daughter of a strict Catholic mother who would have been sure to abandon her daughter in her hour of need - had she become a single mother, living on state benefits.

Julie aborted. She remembers every anniversary that child could have had with a large glass of wine and a sob; she attended counseling for the first time in her 'strong, independent' life. She is still attending that counseling, two years on.

I was one of the few friends that was told about, and then stood by Julie through her decision; yet all this has put a strain on our relationship: She was obviously extremely uncomfortable when she held my new born son, and our communications are infrequent and shallow since his birth. I will continue to stand by her, offer her friendship and a shoulder should it be needed, and one day I hope she can come to terms with her choice.

Tricia was
in what appeared to be a 'serious' relationship. She had inklings (well founded, I hasten to add) that her boyfriend was being unfaithful. She was/ is/ and always will be an insecure woman due to a strained home life as a child. Her parents had recently announced their divorce, and believing the end was nigh for her own relationship, she booked herself into a clinic to terminate the pregnancy she hadn't even discussed with her boyfriend.

Two years later she is still with him. Nothing has been said, but the sadness at the ill communication between the couple shines in her eyes. She is now on sick leave from the job that was to launch her career (a real clincher in her decision, since she wanted her career to flourish before she became a mother), with medical depression.

Heather aborted her child due to strict religious family beliefs: Her parents knew nothing of her relationship with a man from outside of their colour and creed (even though she had been with him for eight years). Had they found out about her disobedience, she would have been eternally shunned by her family and friends - never to return to her homeland.

The father truely wanted that child to exist; he was even willing to convert to that religion so that they could be married and raise the child legitimately in her parents eyes. It wasn't to be, and, in this case, it is the father who remembers the supposed birth date of the child, and cries at his loss. The couple split up, never discussing the death that lay between them.

What I am desperately trying to illustrate is that there are so many reasons and so many repercussions; I haven't even dared to venture into the unfortunate circumstances that might dictate an abortion NECESSARY. These women have made their choices; they live everyday with their decisions. I can't tell you if those decisions were the right ones - only those women can tell you the truth in that.

My child LIVED from
the first moment I saw that blue line on the pregnancy tester stick: I was lucky enough to feel secure in my decision to have him.

Don't think for a second that a woman who has had an abortion has taken this step blindly; don't accuse her of murdering her child - she probably reminds herself of her loss at least once a year without your comments.

And finally, another tale:

Christopher is thirty-two years old and disabled (I believe he was born with Spina Bifida, and the condition was not tackled with the same amount of fervor and reeducation as it is currently). He has a very good job as a computer programmer; his office have made all the necessary changes to facilitate his wheelchair bound needs. He drives a spanking new company car. He enjoys life to the extreme; he drinks and makes merry with his wide circle of friends. And he continues to live with his incredibly wonderful mother and father.

And yet.

On one occasion (while I was pregnant) his mother took me quietly to a secluded spot and asked me whether or not my child had been scanned for physical abnormalities.

I answered honestly, and told her that I didn't wish to know whether my child was 'normal' or not; I didn't want to be faced with the moral quandary of the 'quality of life' my child would have should it be disabled in any manner; I didn't want to even think about aborting the child should this be the case. I wanted to trust in the rights of this child, no matter the consequences (this conversation took place at a time when a newly born family member was undergoing brain scans and genetic tests that hoped to discover the illness that made her tremor and loose all bodily control...still ongoing, but we do believe she will never walk and possibly never speak).

She sighed, heavily.

And she told me that had she had the opportunity to have her child scanned thirty-two years ago, he would never have
been born.

And she said it with a tear in her eye.

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