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This is not a review about advice on relationships but rather a discussion as to whether long distance relationships are always doomed.
There is not another category and Dooyoo are reluctant to add another relationship category so here it goes.
I met my first husband in Malaysia in 1972 while I was on holiday there staying with my parents who lived there. He was Australian and in the Airforce. We corresponded when I came back to university and this went on for a couple of years, remember we had no internet and phone calls would have been prohibitive, he came over to England late in 1973 for a few weeks and then in 1975 I saved enough by working all summer of 1974 in a bakery to go out to Australia. I had a wonderful time and we flew to Papua New Guinea to meet his parents who lived there at the time before I returned home to finish my degree.
Sadly in December 1975 he had a serious accident and was nearly killed. His parents sent the plane fare for me to go out there which I did and things got a bit hectic , all very emotional and they organised a very speedy wedding which my parents were not thrilled about.
Things were okay but it was difficult for him getting used to having only one arm and I began teaching and coping with the legal problems resulting from the accident. He then had to leave the Airforce and living on a disability pension didn't suit him. He was very bad tempered and quite violent at times. To cut a long story short after thirteen years of stress and violence I came home to England with my two children then seven and four years old.
Did the relationship work? Well yes but other circumstances became involved and I think his accident changed his personality. I had little support from my family and although his mother was pleasant his father was very weird.
My son appears to be following my footsteps as he met his partner in Toronto about six years ago. They kept up over the internet but not really in a relationship but then she came to England one summer and they hit it off again. He paid for her to come again at Christmas. My son went to Australia to stay with his father for a year and she went out there for a couple of months. Once he arrived back in England he had already sorted out a Young Person's working visa for Canada and arrived there in 2011 on Valentine's Day.
He has got himself a good job and she also finished university and has a good job and they now live in a flat in central Toronto. They seem very happy and her family live not too far away. We went around for a meal when we were staying with my sister and met Julia's family in 2009 and they were quite delightful and very hospitable so who knows that seems to have been a successful pretty long distance relationship over about six years. They are still together and living in Toronto and my son is enjoying his job out there.
My step son met a girl at a club in Derby. She was at Leicester uni and only over in Derby for the night. They got on well and phoned and interneted as well as met up from time to time. She lives in Wellingborough and he still lives in Derby but they spend an awful lot of money on petrol and train fares. She works down near her home and gets the train up here each week on her days off and my step son goes down there in his car when he has time off as well. Unfortunately he has just been made redundant so he might have a bit more time off and less money for petrol so hopefully he will get a job somewhere near to where she lives, or in fact any job at all would be great in the present climate. Update he has moved back home and got a part time job which he loves but not enough to pay for rented accommodation!
My parents late on in life had to spend quite some time apart as my father was on contract employment in various countries and my mother was a teacher here. Every holiday and half term so would fly out to where ever he was to join him which was totally exhausting for her. The places he lived over the years were Ivory Coast and she had to fly via Paris, Jamaica and lastly St Kitts. It was very hard on Mum as she has the house here to maintain, the teaching job and preparation that goes with that and then the long distance flights. Dad could only come back to the country for limited periods as he was paid as a non- Dom but he did come back once a year for the time allowed and to help a bit with the jobs around the house like painting and so on.
The sad thing is that Mum was looking forward to retiring and joining Dad in St Kitts but sadly ended up with cancer and so Dad resigned and returned to England and Mum's last two years were full of pain and suffering as Dad couldn't handle the situation and became an alcoholic and Mum had a horrible couple of years of pain, worry and stress. Their relationship lasted through all the years of being apart for long periods of time but Dad simply could not handle the fact that Mum was so ill and dying.
So in my family I think that we can say that the long distances proved an obstacle but provided you are determined to make things work and you are prepared to sacrifice a lot as I did leaving all family here and my son has at present too then it can work. The world is becoming a smaller place all the time and travel although it is expensive is possible much more easily that it was in the past too.
I think it depends on the people involved, how the job situation works out and how the rest of the family feel about either one of you making the big step to move to another place be it a different county or country. I do think that sometimes cultural issues can be a problem although I do know many muti cultural marriages that have been very happy so it isn't always an obstacle.
Thanks for reading. This review may be posted on other sites under my same user name.
It's one of life's great ironies that the supposedly romantic days of Valentines and Christmas time are the most likely events to cause lovers to split up, on-in-three couples who do separate in the west citing for divorce in January and February. That's mostly to do with money and the expected boredom of the year to come but the pressure is on for the man to perform and the woman to expect on romantic present giving days like Valentines and often the pressure valve for couples to judge the past year - turning the tap tighter if it was bad or release steam if he performed. Valentines Day it self, of course, is just one big commercial piece of nonsense that costs more people their relationships than making them. We all hat it if we are honest.
A lot of people go through life expecting love when it's not that easy to find. We often convince ourselves we have found the one when really we have just found someone. We are often restricted to meeting that someone through work or friends, having to settle for someone you met through your social circle rather than stepping off the edge and taking a risk, how the gene pool is moved on. I'm willing to bet that the best times of your lives have been when you took a risk in your life. It certainly was for me... girls and all the rest of it. The sad truth is we settle for someone in our own social class that we get on with and don't feel inferior to and ten years later we get divorced. I may sound pessimistic but statistics bare that out, the majority of weddings ending up in separations. If we break down those figures on who is most likely to get divorced it may spoil your breakfast.
It's a bad thing if your misses loses weight???
The first sign love is dyeing maybe when your partner starts to lose weight. It's a well know fact that we put on weight the more content we are with our relationship, less pressure to look attractive etc, somewhat contradictory as weight gain makes us look less attractive to our other half. But a recent survey showed that rapid weight loss in one partner is not so much a health kick but about the person making themselves attractive to the opposite sex and so secretly on the lookout for someone new. If your man has started playing footy or sport again or the misses is off down the gym then you better up your game if you really love them. Valentines Day is your first chance to reel them back in boys.
I'm not one for buying flowers and chocolate when I'm expected to but go for surprise presents throughout the year, the wackier the better. Keep them guessing and they won't want for more. It's the gesture that makes them smile and not so much the pecuniary value. Women that want expensive things will never love you and not worth the effort. Just pay attention to what they talk about and you will learn about the things they like. Buy her those things. Do not buy her things that aid housework, especially on Valentines Day. Remember that most of the Valentines stuff in blood red card shops right now is made by child labour in the Far East. Is a plastic heart shaped toy from a factor in India really that romantic?
Women like to upgrade so keep your eye on her!
Once girls have dumped their partner things are complicated more by the way single women are more attracted to married men. Yes, you've noticed girls. The same study from above found that when women decided whether someone is attractive or not they often take their cue from others. A man in the company of other women often makes them more appealing than single men to single women, somewhat contradictory to our thinking, single men, perhaps, seen as losers in some way. I think all guys can relate to that and why married women get paranoid that their best friend may steel their husband. They may be right. One-in-three women surveyed said they have found their male boss attractive and 29% of admin and office girls - married or not - have said they have slept with someone above their pay grade at work. It simply speeds up the mating process if you know the guy has mated successfully before. In the same survey when single women were shown pictures of men they preferred the men in what appeared to be in married situations, but when married women were shown the same pictures of the same guys they were more attracted to the single men.
How to get a man...
But if you are in the mood for love girls then we all know that the single girl's biggest trick to win cute men over in a bar or club is to surround themselves with women that are bigger and plainer than them, making them all the more attractive in contrast. So if you're attractive mates ask you out for a drink then know you know your role for the night girls. We are all users in some shape or form, if you excuse the pun.
We want money!
Ultimately, though, love for women nearly always takes aback seat to wealth and status in a man. You see old rich fat men with young attractive models all the time but never the other way around, all fool the rich man for going along with it. Most women still prefer to marry men who earn more money than them and working women would stay at home with their kids if they could afford to. The emancipation of women can only go so far as free will and the need for money and security will always cut them up at the lights. Another survey showed that 64% of women aspired to meet a guy who earned more than them but zero percent actively sort out men who earned less than them. If you carry that statistic through to marriage when the wife begins to earn more money than their partner and he accepts that you then see the higher divorce rates. Guys completely understand this and chase personal wealth and status to keep their women or upgrade to a better model, our biggest sin, but the guys who get wealth and status not always the nicest guys, the type of guys women fancy. Nice guys rarely win as what's that sexy about nice guy? Women need to know the man is the boss so they can rely on him to make decisions and defend them in a crisis. Ultimately, subliminally or not, it's always about whether he can protect her child that is the deep attraction. Interestingly, only 19% wanted their partner to be better educated than they are and an unrealistic 62% wanted them to be of the same level of education, reinforcing the class barriers, perhaps?
The research also found that women are more prepared to 'marry up' today than they were in the 1940s, going from 20% during the war to 40% today, somewhat contradictory to the general consensus that women are more equal today and so have the freedoms to make their own money and so choose a bespoke lover or partner. Everything seems to point to the fact that where its equal everything at home, relationships just doesn't work and so more and more people are not getting married in the modern age. I think its no coincidence that as equal pay rates for women and men close the divorce rate and singleton rates are steepling.
Women will love tall men with small wallets or small men with big wallets. The physical evidence that women choose to be subservient to men is the fact very few marry a man taller than them, 2.5 inches on average the preferred gap.
The most fascinating stat I saw on this desired equality and attraction ratio was in the boardroom. Where women that were highly educated and paid in business and had reached the top that way and so self-sufficient as nay man on the planet, they were still drawn to more affluent men, female directors and chief execs the most likely to leave the boardroom than their male counterparts at this level because they still marry up and so leave the boardroom to the men by their actions, why boardrooms are full of men, we presume. Maybe women simply want to get close to the glass ceiling just to see their reflection in the glass to do their hair and lipstick than actually whack it with a hammer! The reality is most women want to be at home raising kids and men don't, and so women most likely to be the carers and the men the providers as it's easiest for both. That is why Valentines Day is irrelevant.
Hope I cheered you up as the big day approaches.lol.
I honestly believe I could write a book about relationships!
My first serious relationship was when I was 16 - pretty young and it was very full on! After that broke up (or rather it just seemed to dissolve) I decided to take 'time off' from relationships.
Well, I suppose that didn't go to plan exactly because by the time I was 17 (almost 18) I ended up in a 3 month relationship with a guy who was 22 and lived near me - my ex had been further away/long distance and if I dated others they hadn't lived so near by. To be honest I truly think this relationship was a rebound, but it was a lovely relationship and my 22yr old boyfriend was so lovely! He complimented me often, wouldn't let me buy a single thing if we were out on dates, was a true gent to be honest - and the best thing was that there was no pressure to 'be' anything more or to do anything we didn't want to do.
I remember having a brief conversation about marriage with this bloke, but nothing full on, just a general chit chat on how we felt about it. He told me that he *never* wanted kids and I felt this was in part of being very responsible for his younger (by 10 years) sister but said that if the 'right person' came along, he'd think about marriage. One time, near the end of the relationship (and quite honestly I knew it was reaching it's expiry date) he talked about buying me a 'ring' but didn't specify whatsoever. Just said I should be measured for said ring and I suppose this scared me away.
He was honestly one of my more positive dating experiences but I think the age gap (okay there wasn't much of one, but enough to make a difference) really separated us. I just 'wasn't that into him' and that makes me feel kind of bad, but by the same token we wanted different things. I was 17 but I knew I wanted kids 'one day' - not sure where or when, but someday. I'm glad now that I chose to end the relationship - it was clear we wanted different things and that in the long run I couldn't compromise on my desire to be a mother.
I think if you're expected to compromise such a huge thing you're better off out of the relationship - unless it's something you don't want and know you can live without. Honestly, it might hurt for a while, but you will get over it - and get to make your dreams come true with someone whose a better fit for you.
These days I speak to this ex on Facebook and we've swapped a few messages back and forth about our lives now. The first message I got from him was a huge congrats on the birth of my son and how happy I must be to be a mother. I congratulated him on his achievements and we've always been on talking terms, although have simply lost tough through getting on with life.
After this relationship there were a couple of silly crushes and dates I'd rather forget ;). Then when I was 18 my friend introduced me to my next boyfriend.
At the time I considered him nothing more than a friend, but as these things happen when boy meets girl, feelings developed. To cut a long story short we admitted we were falling in-love with one another. At the time I'm not sure what I was thinking or feeling. He told me he loved me and I felt like I couldn't leave him hanging - I told him I really liked him and then said I loved him because I knew I could learn to love him.
I know that sounds awful, but it's the awful truth. And it's taught me SO much! To never say you love someone unless you truly do love them. After a time, I did fall in love and I did love him - so very much - but I only had the start of those feelings when I admitted them.
A few months after we got together we hit a snag. I won't get into details about it but we had a very sad and devastating break up. After a few weeks we knew we couldn't be apart, but again, after a few months we broke up. It was horrible. Every time was a reminder of that first break up and I honestly didn't know if I could take it ever again.
We did get back together after a lot of time apart and we both made the decision that if we broke up again, that would be it. No more second, third or fourth chances. Love is a very strong emotion and it can definitely make you or break you - we decided it would be the making of us and really tried at our relationship. The reason it had broken down in the past was due to not spending enough time together and putting jobs and university work before the relationship - big mistake. I understand that work and education is important, but you can always get a job (well in this climate I'm not too sure ;) and you can always drop out of education and start again...a relationship? Well that can smash into pieces and even when you glue the pieces up, the cracks can still show.
There were a few times where this boyfriend offered that we should move in together. I wasn't comfortable with this at all and although he'd abandon the idea, he'd always come back to it. I was young and didn't want to commit in that way. If I was going to live with someone, we'd be married and this boyfriend wasn't too keen on the idea of marriage so we came apart at the seams, slowly.
We had a great relationship regardless of our differences, in fact it probably gave us a dynamic that many relationships miss out on. The thing that drew us to one another was our passion - we were chock full of passion for everything; life, love, relationships and anything that came our way.
When things improved, I was so happy. I woke up excited every day, so in love. Everyone used to comment that they couldn't picture us with anyone else - that we were 'made for each other.'
I think that's a false idea. It buys into the soul mate notion and I don't think there is only ONE person for everyone - if that's true, why do people die? Why do people get divorced and re-married? Human beings aren't built for love, they're built for survival. Love will always come secondary.
And so it was with survival - and love - that I decided I wouldn't compromise my desire to be married. We talked at length, for the first time in our relationship, about marriage and it was clear to me that my boyfriend didn't want to get married. Whether or he was scared, whether he'd had a bad experience with marriage I don't know. All I was left with was the fact he didn't want to marry me or be married to anyone. It wasn't me, it really was him.
We spoke a lot on the phone after the break up but I kept my distance from him. The feelings were still there, but I wanted to work them out of my system before I clapped eyes on him again. We would meet up and the inevitable would always happen - first a hug and then leading to a kiss. We weren't together, but for all intents and purposes, we may well have been.
I decided the best thing for me to do was to move down to London (I'm from and lived in Scotland at this point) and start new there. After a 3 year relationship, I needed a clean break. We'd still always be friends, but I couldn't go on living my life around whether or not he'd slept with someone.
In London I had A LOT of fun on dates, they never seemed to progress to anything more until I met someone I really liked. I met his friends, he took me out all the time, we had fun and suddenly I got a text telling me he wanted to call things off. I thought this was so low - please, NEVER text dump someone.
Upset, I turned to my ex in Scotland. He got angry at this boy who'd made me upset and text dumped me. He then went onto to tell me how jealous he'd been when I told him I was seeing someone new and how much of a **** he thought this person was. I was shocked because I believed my ex had moved on considerably. Apparently not so. He went onto tell me that he still had feelings for me and that things 'hadn't changed' since our break up...
I made a trip to Scotland, I met up with the ex to have an informal chat. We decided to start seeing each other again, but we'd keep things low key until it was more established and had a chance to grow. I wasn't totally sure that would work out, but I was willing to see where it went.
Well, I went back to London and it was in this time that he slept with some girl he knew. Um, well, that made me feel so trashy and worthless. Especially since HE had initiated everything with me. I hadn't even hinted at wanting to get back together because I knew it was silly.
He came to visit me for a week - months after the cheating incident - and I decided to do what any crazy girl would do when her ex boyfriend goes off for a shower. I stole his phone and snuck into my room with it. I went through his texts. Nothing. So I went through his contacts and sent a message to the girl he'd cheated with. I can't remember what I said, something silly like 'fancy a shag?' (LOL!) and she texted back like 'haha. Maybe later. ' I think she was on holiday or something. Well, when he got out the shower and dressed I told him about the text. To be honest I should NOT have sent that text or gone through his phone - it was none of my business, we weren't even together and were just friends (yes it's possible) - but I suppose I wanted to confirm the reality of the situation. Well, I got my reality check and it felt horrible.
I don't know how, but I moved on from him cheating on me, and we remained friends. After he cheated I knew I could NEVER get back with him, the cheating had sealed the deal on that one. We stayed friends and I didn't see him for months. Instead I started a relationship with my now husband :).
He was a breath of fresh air compared to my last relationship. For a start my husband was very clear on what he wanted - marriage and a family. He basically told me I could be a part of his plans or not, it was my choice. For the first time in a while the roles were reversed and it was refreshing. We got engaged shortly after being together and it just felt right - it's true when people say 'when you know, you know.'
Well I had that feeling playing a game of Bullseye on DVD with my soon-to-be-husband and the soon-to-be-in-laws. It was a massive slap in the face 'I don't want to be without this wonderful man in my life' feeling. The love and the feelings felt so good - and so right. I didn't want to be without him and I hadn't felt like that before about ANYONE :).
We were married in February (2009) and honestly it was the most wonderful and dreamy day of my life! Less than a year later, in time for our wedding anniversary, on the 9th of Feb 2010, our son was born :).
Every day since then has had it's ups and downs, but we've done everything together and it's been the most stable and calming relationship I've ever had. I feel safe in his arms and being with him is like coming home.
As for my ex? Well I don't talk to him any more. But he sent me an email after I got married, very upset I hadn't invited him to the wedding and then went onto to tell me that he'd always pictured me and him 'being together again, someday.' Um, okay? Break up with me loads, tell me you don't want to marry me, cheat on me and expect we'll be together one day? Don't think so.
Ladies and gents, take it from me, a seasoned traveller on the waves of love - don't settle for anything less than what YOU want. Find someone who wants to meet the same relationship goals as you and give up on anyone who won't compromise or provide you with what you want - and ultimately, what you deserve.
Really a relationship is like a house. No more, and no less. Doesn't matter what side of the road your building your house on, a house is a house.
(I suppose you can rent a flat, or even be part of a shared flat, its fun for a while, but arguably most people in flats, would prefer a house).
Well to build a house, you first need to eye your plot, (your potential partner). Good places are bars, nightclubs, through mutual friends and recently even the internet. So always keep your eyes open for an investment oppurtunity.
Next step, is to make sure of a few things: you have to have plans and agreement (they like you too), and to thoroughly make sure you have legal planning permission (they are single).
I mean you wouldn't want to start building on someone elses plot, would you? That can lead to all kinds of problems, best avoided really.
Then as you start laying your foundations, you need to get some bricks fast, and the more the better.
Suitable bricks are made from things like Faith, Trust, Attraction and Love, they are the best materials you need for a decent house!
You could try to use lust, but thats similar to straw, it will need alot of cement, and will only stand up for a while, and certainly not in bad weather.
So remember, without the correct building materials for bricks, there is no real chance of constructing a house. Don't cut corners or compromise on quality, not unless its a temporary shelter.
So ok you have chosen the right bricks, but what is going to keep it together? Well Mortar is made from the physical side of things (Sex, and Passion). Sex is the industrial grade sand, and it needs to be mixed in the correct dosage with Passion. Passion is a type of good quality cement.
If mixed correctly, this will form mortar, which makes a strong bond to hold the bricks together well, these will then form the walls of your house.
It is worth mentioning that no matter how much you try, a house can not stand strong with no mortar between the bricks. A good strong bond, makes for a good strong house. So do not try to cheat, continually make sure you have the correct mortar mixture, and check it regularly.
Another caution, is that mortar does not last forever, it needs attention to keep the bond between the bricks maintained. Regular maintenance and filling of the gaps, usually ensures that walls stay very tight.
Once a strong wall is constructed, you will find that strangers won't easily break bricks and weaken your home. Also as the big bad Wolf found to his cost, a house made from bricks and mortar is hard to blow down. An is normally able to stand up against all types of weather, even fierce storms.
It is worth keeping in mind that because the walls are made from lots of bricks, you can safely lose some bricks in your walls, and so long as you keep most of the key bricks, the house will still stand up fine.
However if you lose too many, it will collapse, and to try to rebuild a house is almost impossible. An even if it is, it won't ever be the same.
So it is advisable to take stock of your house often, and check that the key bricks in your walls are safe.
So now the structure is sound, well then you have interior furnishings to think about. The things you have in common, mutual interests, mutual friends, even having children, they are your furniture. Not all vital, but as everyone knows it is nice, to have nice things.
However not everyone can have everything, and the house can remain there happily, even without all the rooms bursting full of furniture.
Ultimately though, if there isn't enough there, there will be problems.
I mean who will want to willingly live in an empty house?
Only a squatter perhaps, so do change furniture and decorate often.
Still despite of all your efforts, there is another danger to all houses!
Even strong ones. An that is Fire!!
Typically fires are caused by Jealousy, Rage or Anger, which are of course perfectly normal, but only ok, if kept in the fireplace.
In fact at certain times of the year it is nice to feel the warmth from someone who cares, and even an occasional argument with rage, can make you feel human, even if the fire overspills slightly and burns the floor, it can usually be fixed.
However if you leave fires unattened, and uncontrolled, it will definately destroy your house.
The use of frequent talking, is a good way of making sure things don't get too hot, and that fires remain in check. Signs of fire can include getting a cold shoulder, moodiness, and warping walls. So do check for these often.
The best advice of all is to be house proud, don't compare your house to other peoples, and keep the doors locked to strangers. It takes alot of effort into building one, so look after your home!
~ Relationships- Long Distance for me ~
This is a tricky topic for a lot of people who are currently in a long distance relationship and a very hard one for me altogether but I know there are others out there like me who am dealing with the pros and cons of this kind of relationship so it makes me feel a lot better. Even though now my boyfriend has moved back to the UK the last year he has been living thousands of miles away.
My long distance relationship from here to Canada. Now a lot of long distance relationships are still in the same country but i've never experienced this before. I've always been used to having a relationship where my boyfriend is always around me. So this was a definite new situation. Well maybe some of you wonder why that far, well my boyfriends in the army so that's why.
I've have been with my boyfriend for a year and a half now and he has been in Canada for 6 months. There are properly loads of people who have done this kind of relationship for many years also the army wife's know what it is like. I am only 20 so I am quite young but I find this sort of relationship can affect anyone of any age or experience. I didn't really know much about the army before so when we met it was hard. At the moment everything is better. My boyfriend got a promotion whilst in Canada and now has been moved to Bicester, just outside of Oxford. It is only an hour and a half away and I see him a lot more now which I love. Even though he is now living in the country it is still hard knowing he could be sent away anytime. I don't see him every day but see him about three or four times a week which is brilliant.
I have mixed feelings about being in a long distance relationship. I have been used to my boyfriend being in Germany and recently Iraq but Canada is a long way from the U.K. Communication is a definite key to helping but this is hard due to the time difference which is 7 hours. This makes it difficult as when I am at work he is asleep and when i'm home he is working so letters are a good thing you can achieve no matter the distance or time difference. My boyfriend also says he likes receiving mail it's personal and makes him happy.
The best thing I try to do is to keep myself busy. The day time is usually ok because I am at work so I am always doing something to keep me occupied. That's one of the best advice I would give anyone in this situation keep busy and hope time flies by. The only time I really get down or sad is mostly at night when I am by myself. No having him there for a cuddle and comfort is hard. I have great family though and they always make a special effort when he goes away.
I also have a lot of friends which keep me busy. There are also a lot of his friends who have kept in contact with regarding we don't live in the same village about 15 miles away they invite me out at weekends and keep in touch through texts and emails to make sure everything is ok, which I find is a great help.
* CONS *
There are a lot of cons being in a long distance relationship.
- Comfort and emotions are hard to deal with.
- Not having him there for a cuddle after a hard day at work and just having someone to lie with while watching a film is quite hard.
- I also think when he returns on leave I am living two different lives, even though nothing changes dramatically, there is always the routine of doing things when you are by yourself and then adjusting slightly to you and your partner time.
The biggest pro I would say with having this kind of relationship is the time you spend apart makes the time you have together being really appreciated. When my boyfriend returns I really like the feeling of being excited to see him and we do make sure our time is spent together. This is what I try and look forward to when I feel down I think of how excited we will be to see one another at Christmas and on his leaves.
Now I see him more often it won't be so difficult but I still appreciate him after not seeing him for a week, its good now we can spend more time together.
If I was to give anyone advice even though I am still young and haven't been in this situation a long time I would say if you can do anything like this it makes you a very stronger person and it will give you a remarkable relationship. Try to keep as busy as possible, keep in contact even if you can only write letters and make sure you stay positive. Family and friends are also important, I am lucky my family are very good to me and can understand why some days I need some support.
I've been in the same situation many times before; lying on the sofa in unstylish but comfortable clothes, eating ice-cream and chocolate and feeling sorry for myself. Maybe I'd cry and wonder why, or maybe I'll go out and have a rebound fling. Yes, you guessed it, I had split up with another boyfriend.
I used to just think it was just one of those things that the relationship broke up, and I'd just move on to the next relationship, learning nothing, and eventually making and allowing the same mistakes to happen, and yet again I'd end up in the same situation, feeling sorry for myself.But I become bored with it, I was an adult and I needed an adult long-term relationship, unlike in the past. And I began analysing my past relationships, and found many mistakes from both me and the other person in the relationship, I could learn from each relationship I've had.
The first relationship I was in began when I was 13-years-old, it lasted for around a year, and the mistake I learnt from was never do anything I was 100% uncomfortable with doing and be strong enough to say no. I lost my virginity at the very young and tender age of 13-years-old (something which I am in no way proud or boasting about), but I do feel I was put under pressure from the guy I lost it to, he used all the typical excuses and lines, and because I was young and stupid I did it. In my adult life this young relationship has taught me that I have to be much more in stronger in relationships and also if I'm not comfortable with doing it, don't do it.
A mistake I learnt from my second teenage relationship, was one I never realised until recently and was much older, but an important one: Never pretend or fake feelings. In this particular relationship, I didn't fake my feelings, but the guy I was seeing was (he told me recently), also he had cheated a lot during our relationship, which should of been obvious he didn't care for me or my feelings. The damage of the faking of feelings, damaged my trust and self-esteem levels highly, which are only just being repaired. I learnt that I should be open to detect the feelings of my other half, and if the feelings are faked, to break up the relationship. But also I learnt how faking feelings and saying things you don't mean can seriously damage a person.
Don't change yourself or try and change the person your in a relationship with, was the mistake I learnt from another relationship when I was a teenager, and one I think is the most important. I was dating a guy to smoked a lot of marijuana, and although I was too at the time, I didn't like that he was, and I wanted to change him. I tried to emotionally blackmail him (crying and telling him if he loved me, he'd stop) and I threatened to leave him many times (which never actually happened). He never quit when we were together (but he has been clean for around 4 year now and happily married.)
I couldn't change him, he needed help not my selfishness. Now, as an adult I know that I can't and shouldn't try and change anyone, in any relationship, let alone a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship, it doesn't work, and is not fair on the person, if you loved the person enough, you wouldn't ever need to change to person. And I would never let anyone change me, they would have to put up with me, good and bad parts of me.
After these failed relationships, I felt I was more adult and responsible, I was around 16/17 years-old at the time. I began a relationship with a pretty decent guy, and unfortunately it didn't work out, and it was the worst reason why he broke up with me. I didn't trust him. I was convinced he was cheating on me (he wasn't), and I caused lots of arguments between us, and my trust issues became much, much worse. In the end, he just left, and I went back to self-pitying and lounging around. As sad as it was when the decent guy left me, it did help me to begin to get help with my trust issues, and slowly it's getting better, so I guess there's an advantage there. And now as an adult, I've learnt to trust people, otherwise people will just leave me, and I will end up loosing somebody really special.
I met another very decent guy, when I was 17, we dated for a while, around 7 months, and I got very attached to him while we were in a relationship, and it was a perfect relationship. But after about 6 months in, he fell in love with another woman, which was neither of our faults, but the mistake I made, was not letting him go, I dragged on the relationship, and although he never cheated on me with the girl he loved, he couldn't bare to hurt me, so we dated for an extra month, which wasn't great. Until he left me for the other girl (who he is still in a relationship with, they are currently engaged, we're are still very good friends as well.) From this relationship, the most adult one so far, I learnt to let go. Sometimes relationships just won't work, and it's hurtful for both people if they carry on, so I learnt that it's better to just leave or let go, it's less painful.
At the start of 2009, I began 'seeing', one of my ex's (the one I lost my virginity too) again. Big mistake. Things had go more complicated (he had a daughter and I'd begun my new life in London, properly.) and the issues which had been apparent the first time was still there, and he had not grown up very much in the 5 years we hadn't seen each other.
The lesson I leant was not to get involved with me ex's, even the really nice ones, mainly because the issues that we had in the past are likely to still be there currently, and it would be unfair to bring up the past, and past feelings. Also I learnt that I'm not adult enough to have responsibilities, such as other guys children, I'm not old enough and it wouldn't be fair for the children or the guy.
I'm currently in a relationship (3 months at the end of July) and although it's early days, I am in love with him. I have never felt like this before about anyone ever, and I think we are perfect for each other. And although I hope this relationship will never end, it has taught me some very important things. It taught me that if I learn from my mistakes, I can work on these mistakes, and not make them again, but also taught me that I can love again, and despite everything someone can love me back. Bring on the future!
NB: It might seem as if this is in the wrong category, but no doubt I'll put some words in close to the end, to make it more appropriate. This was the category which DooYoo gave to me when I suggested what follows as a new topic, saying it has been suggested before.
The words of the old song..... "You were my first love, and first love never dies". How true are they? Even now, 39 years on, I don't have a sensible answer to that question.
Way back in the very wet summer of 1970 - which was interspersed with some nice, hot sunshiney days - I was a little 16-year-old who'd fallen in love at first sight. The object of my perhaps rather dubious affections wasn't my first boyfriend....just the first one who'd bowled me over.
Although I began going out with boys when I was just 13 and had several boy next door type, somewhat shortlived relationships, nobody had so far lit my fire (so to speak).
I am going to be as careful as I can here, changing the names of a couple of people involved, for the sake of discretion and my street cred.....after all, how do I know these people aren't using DooYoo and will read this, perhaps recognising themselves?
Diane and I used to go shopping each Saturday and buy out all the clothes shops. I have always, ever since a small child, been a devout music lover, yet Diane wasn't particularly - she just hooked onto what was in the charts at the time, then forgot all about songs that slipped down the charts when their popularity died down and others took their place. I considered it fair play that, after Diane had dragged me each week around shops that held little or no interest for me, I should have my moment of glory by paying my regular Saturday visit to a second hand record shop, situated in a market close to the High Street.
I would spend hours and hours, much to Diane's frustration, just hunting through the piles of second-hand 45rpm records, fishing out gems from my childhood and earlier in my teens. I knew Frank quite well (he was the owner of the record shop), as he'd been a friend of my father's, and he was happy to just let me browse.
One day when I dragged Diane into the shop, my eyes lit up when I spotted a young man sitting in the record shop next to Frank. I took in the soft brown hair tumbling over his shoulders, the large pale greyish/blueish eyes, and his deliciously cheeky grin. I hung around so long on this particular day, pretending to browse through the records rather than doing it for real, as I just didn't want to walk away from this young man who'd instantly endeared himself to me, just by his appearance. Diane got bored and demanded that we head for home, but I wasn't having any of that....I wanted to stay rooted the spot forever, just ogling who I hoped would become my knight in shining armour - so, Diane stormed out and went home on her own. I stayed until Frank closed the shop - he and the lovely young man went home. I was a little disappointed that I'd not been introduced to Frank's helper, and that he'd appeared to ignore me for what must have been the three or so hours I was standing there pretending to hunt through records, just to be close to him.
Diane had recovered from her huff, and in very teenage girl style, I was holding forth enthusiastically on this beautiful young man I'd seen, and who I wanted to get to know a lot better. Being a bit of a matchmaker, and no doubt to try and shut me up, Diane agreed that she'd accompany me to Frank's record shop each Saturday, without complaint, until the young guy noticed me and asked me out.
As the weeks went by and we moved into August, I was getting more and more depressed that the object of my affections still hadn't even spoken to me, let alone made a move, and I think Diane was getting bored with my wailings and moans - to the point where, without my prior knowledge or permission, she took the matter into her own hands. At the beginning of one of our Saturday shopping trips in the middle of August, Diane told me that I had to meet Steve at 8pm outside a garage close to where we lived. She'd after work the day before, trotted off quickly to Frank's record shop, caught it still open, and after demanding to know his name, nagged Steve senseless to take me out, for the sake of both hers and my peace of mind. He'd perhaps a little reluctantly agreed, and told Diane that he'd meet me outside the aforesaid garage. I was suddenly transported up onto a fluffy pink cloud of ecstasy - on such a high - Adonis had finally noticed me! (Well, he hadn't really, as Diane nagged him into taking me out, but because I wanted to believe he'd suddenly seen the light and realised we could walk off into the sunset together, that was what I believed).
Diane helped me choose something to wear, and we trudged home laden with carrier bags, then parted company. I was in a whirl of breathless anticipation, and squealed to my mum that I'd got a date with a hunk. She put my makeup on for me (something I never did properly get the hang of myself), did my hair, and made sure I hadn't chosen anything too bizarre or stupid to wear.
The minutes ticked by, the butterflies in my stomach turned into komodo dragons, and I set off on that warm, sunny evening in August, to meet who was the man of my dreams. Of course I was absurdly early, and I had to wait about 20 minutes, even though Steve wasn't late. Not yet having become infused with the scepticism that comes with age and experience, it never occurred to me that Steve might not turn up, and I'd have been heartbroken if he hadn't done - but, at 8pm on the dot, I saw a familiar figure walking towards me.
Shock horror!!!! I'd only ever seen Steve sitting down before, so hadn't realised he was at least three inches shorter than me - but, not too much of a problem, as love is blind....especially "first love", but I don't think he was too happy about it, as he said he should have asked Diane to tell me to wear flat shoes. All the same though, he was pleasant, took my hand, and suggested we went to his local for a drink. I was bursting with pride when, on entering the sea front pub which was just a couple of streets away from where he lived in a bedsit behind the gasworks, he introduced me to his pals as "my girlfriend". I swelled up with pride, and instantly wanted to marry him.
We had a lovely evening. Steve was warm, friendly, attentive, and very witty with a lovely, soft and husky speaking voice. I had to be home by 11pm, and at about 9:30pm he asked me if I'd like to go back to his bedsit. The thought that he might have a little more than holding hands on his mind didn't occur to me, and even if that had have been his motive, I'd happily have gone along with his wishes - after all, I was in LOVE! All he did though, was just show me his vast collection of 45rpm records, which he kept stashed under his bed. He then said he'd better get me home, as he didn't want me to disobey my mum when she'd told me I had to be in by 11pm, and that pleased me - as with previous boyfriends, I'd always had trouble trying to convince them that I wasn't allowed to stay out all night.
On dropping me at my front door after we'd had what to me was a lovely romantic walk home in the late summer moonlight, he kissed me goodbye, and said he'd like to see me the following evening. I watched him stroll away down the road until he disappeared round the corner, then went indoors, effervescing like a shaken champagne bottle with the cork about to explode out of the top. My mum asked me how the evening had gone, and after I'd told her all about it, she did give me a mild warning not to get too involved too quickly - I didn't listen, as I was convinced Steve felt the same for me as I did for him.
Well that's how it all began. Over the next three months, I was walking on air - in paradise. I even let him take me to a football match (which I loathed, but loved going just because I was with him), and I cringe with horror now when I look back and realise that I even knitted him a football scarf in our local team colours! How's that for idolatry and dedication? We'd see one another every evening, and mostly go to his local pub, the one where we'd spent our first date. I even got to meet his mum a couple of times, and she was a lovely lady. Sunday afternoons would be spent competing with one another on the slot machines in the sea front amusement arcades, and we went to a couple of social evenings that the place where he worked held. Sometimes after we'd been out somewhere, we'd get a burger from Gerry's Nosh or a Chinese takeaway, eat it in his bedsit, then he'd walk me home.
With hindsight, I'd guess that Steve found me a bit immature, as I was only just 16 and he was almost 22, but I was blind to every negative about him at the time. I didn't even (though I can see it clearly now) sense him gradually cooling off, so it came as a huge shock to me when one bitterly cold December day whilst we were walking in the park, he called the whole thing off, saying he'd met someone else. I couldn't believe what I was hearing - and he didn't even walk me home.....he simply left me standing there in the park while he wandered off, saying "you'll find someone else soon". I watched until he'd disappeared from view, then numb with shock, I went home.
It was a couple of days before Christmas, and I just couldn't get caught up in the festive spirit. On Christmas Eve, thick, heavy snowflakes started to fall, and we were treated to the only official white Christmas ever to have happened in my lifetime. The scene outside was like something from an advent calendar, carol singers were standing under a street light singing God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen, tinsel was sparkling in the firelight, and I was as miserable as sin. I spent that whole Christmas just moping around, my mum losing patience with me and saying things like "I told you so". Steve had an uncle who lived next door but one to me, and I was just hoping against hopes that he'd pay his uncle a visit over the festive season, have some kind of pang of mercy as he walked past my house, and ring the doorbell - tell me how much he loved and wanted me, and that we'd soon be married and have kids......all that sort of gooey stuff we expected when we were teenagers in those days. It didn't happen though.
The months that followed were very dark indeed, and wherever I went, I'd be obsessively looking for Steve - not going to the places I knew he frequented, but just hoping we'd pass one another in the street or something, and that he'd instantly realise he'd made a big mistake and we'd be an item once more, and forever! Again, it didn't happen.
In the spring of 1971, my friend Diane was so fed up with my black moods, that she arranged a blind date for me with one of her boyfriend's friends - it was a rebound thing for me, and I fell in "love" all over again - but once more I was dumped, this time after just three weeks. Diane persisted, arranging all sorts of blind dates for me with all sorts of creeps, culminating in me meeting who was to become my (now ex) husband. That's another story though!
Apart from one brief sighting in the High Street in the mid 1970s where he was trudging along the pavement with a bored-looking female and a toddler in tow, not to mention with a shaved head and sporting a huge beer gut, I never saw Steve again. His appearance on that brief sighting did shock me somewhat, as the long-haired, sparkly eyed, good-looking young man that I'd fallen head over heels for, had turned into a dowdy drudge in a fairly short space of time.
Overall, it took me about two years to completely get over Steve, and the hardest time as regards the memories, was the run up to Christmas - but, I did recover, and got on with my life. Then came the point when he stopped entering my head.....I thought no more about him.
To come up to date quite a bit and to cut a long story short, two people (a married couple) who I knew only vaguely, took me for a drink for my 50th birthday. As we were chatting, and they were telling me little things about themselves from their pasts, I began to put two and two together - and it turned out that the man is Steve's brother! It was interesting to learn from him what Steve had been up to over the years, and I reflected about the revelations on my solo train journey home.
I now conclude that if I'd have married Steve and we'd stayed together, I'd have ended up with a husband who has a huge drink problem, and would have spent my 20s living in terrible places, surrounded by a huddle of screaming offspring. That really wasn't what I'd ever envisaged for myself, and it suddenly - at age 50 - hit me like a sledgehammer that I'd had a very lucky escape. I'd been viewing Steve through rose coloured glasses, and I began to realise that while I'd been going out with him, he actually hadn't treated me very well at all - I think he may even have despised me a bit. OK, my marriage to my own husband wasn't a good one for me, but he never treated me badly in any way at all.....I now know that if I'd have ended up with Steve, the bad treatment would just have got worse and worse.....and I'd have put up with it, as at the time, I'd have known no different.
These days, I like to think that the whole thing with Steve from way back in 1970, was HIS loss, not mine, though of course it didn't feel like it at the time, nor for some years afterwards.
I do have to say though, that discussing Steve with his brother on that night of my 50th birthday drink, did stir some stuff up inside me that made me realise....deep down, I still do have a soft spot for Steve, after all these years. There's no way I'd ever want to have any contact with him, but I began to have a deep understanding of what attracted me to him in the first place, and to keep what was in reality a highly dysfunctional relationship, going on and on. A big life lesson has finally been learned.
Of course, there's a lot more to the above story than I've said here, but if I went into all the ins and outs of it, my telegram from the queen would be plopping through my letterbox before I'd even got halfway through typing it.
So, to bring this piece a little around to the title heading, as this is the section that DooYoo have chosen to put it under - my recommendations to anybody would be (not advice, as I never give advice....simply recommendations), to play the field a little bit when young, develop some sense of self before becoming hooked up - whether for real or in your mind - with the first guy who SEEMS as if he's "the one". Sometimes we shouldn't wish for too much, because if we get what we THINK we're wishing for, it turns out to be the opposite, and we might not be able to disentangle ourselves from it easily....or, at all. As for my own personal aftermath from Steve dumping me in the way he did, I'd urge anyone else in a similar position to not jump into the arms (or the bed!) of the first halfway OK seeming male. Take some time alone, to BE - not do. Reflect, get some counselling if necessary to find out why you attract the type of man who at the end of the day won't do you any good, read lots, eat well, lay off the booze, stroke lots of cats and learn how to truly get to know and to love yourself first. Once you've done that, the ideal man will see the real you, and turn up in your life when you least expect it, and are least looking for it. It's important to see people for who they really are, and not what we want them to be, or try to project our own ideals onto them.
Over and out......and, thanks for reading. Hope it's not been too tedious. I give the whole thing five stars, even though with hindsight it was a bad thing...five stars because it was wonderful while it was happening, and because of the deep and valuable lesson I learned from it.
Relationships are hard. We all know that, whether your young or old, single or married. Everyone whose ever had a relationship knows how difficult they are.
I have been married now for 8 months, and I have been with my husband for around 18 months, before that we were best friends for 2 years. During the two years before we got together, he had a girlfriend; I'd known him way before he got with the girl, and when he got with her he made it clear I was his best friend and that nothing would change that. Nothing had ever happened between us, and even though we both secretly knew we were falling for the other, we never voiced our feelings and it never got in the way of our friendship.
So, he had his girlfriend, they'd only known each other a week or so before going on a date and getting together, and from day one there were problems with me and him speaking. He lived in the town down from his new girlfriend and so he only saw her at weekends, and I lived 60 miles away, and I had never actually met up with him (we started speakin by accident online and got on and after two years with my full time education we never met up!), so when he wasn't with her, he was home (he was unemployed at the time and doing a course for his job which he has now) so he was on the computer all day to me, a student on her summer break!!! And texting me whenever we weren't on the computer!!
But, at the weekends, he would try to text me, and try to phone me as he normally would but his girlfriend wouldn't allow it, now I know how annoying it is when I'm with someone and they don't put down their phone, but she was jealous that he was sending me the odd text. And he ended up having to actually turn off his phone when he was with her so he didn't get in trouble, and he had to "nip to the shop", so he could make secret phone calls to me (we should have known when we couldn't go a day without speaking that we were destined to be together but hey!).
They had been together for less than a month, and already she was telling him she loved him, and going on to him about getting a ring on her finger, getting a house together and having a baby...after a month! He didn't want any of that, not yet, but she was forcing him to say yes, and she actually made him start looking for homes for them!
She started to tell him that instead of that he would come and live with her in her mums house, and wouldn't be allowed to see his family, speak to friends (i.e. me) and that would be how it would be. Needless to say, when she said this, he swiftly told her it wasn't working out.
That is one example of a relationship which is completely one sided, she stopped him from speaking to his friend, because she was jealous and worried he was sleeping with me behind her back, she stopped him doing things he wanted to do. And when he started his new job, within a week she was demanding he take days off for parties etc. He wasn't allowed to do anything...including intimate things which I won't go into on here...but lets just say the bedroom department was as one sided as the rest of the relationship.
A month later, me and him decided we should really meet up seeing as we'd been friends for so long, and decided to make it into a date...
That day we met each other and yes I am going to be cliched, but it was love at first sight. As soon as I lay eyes on him, I knew I didn't want him to get back on the train and go home.
For the first couple of weeks things were perfect, and I mean perfect, not one argument in 2 whole months, we saw each other every week, and we couldn't keep our hands off each other...then the inevitable happened.
Little things had been said within the first week of speaking to each other this is two years back... but things had been said...and elaborated upon, only slightly and nothing important, but with the stress of him almost killing himself in a car crash and then this thing coming out, we broke up.
Two weeks apart and we were both in deep depression. I actually went to stay with my sister who lived a couple of miles from him, just to try and get him back, and well it worked, and from then on, our relationship was normal.
And by normal I mean; daily arguments over silly things, flaws showing up, and the little cute things turning into little annoying things...but despite that, we loved each ohter more and more with everyday that passed, and in May last year he proposed. And I said yes.
Upon moving in together our relationship has been much like most. I'm not going to say that its a bed of roses, he works very long hours (15 hour night shifts with just 2 nights off a week with no weekends off), which means the time we actually spend together is limited, and so there is alot of stress sometimes. We do argue, but its never really anything big, more like "your slaggin me off with your friends!!" when in actual fact he's said "the mrs is in a right mood tonight"!!
Our relationship has coped through the silly arguements because we both know how much we love each other, and we know that we need to take each others humour with a pinch of salt, we have gotten over the big arguments, but I know there will be more, hopefully nothing so big and serious that we can't get over it!!!!
All relationships will have little ups and downs, and many couples who have lived together and been together 30+ years have said their marriage wouldn't have survived without a daily arguement....so if your newly married...or newly together....the arguments are natural. You have to learn to tell each other things, your fears, if something has annoyed you, if they hurt you in some way, if soemthing they do upsets you. Yes...that is the cause of most of the arguments in our house...but the thing is after a couple of years everything is straightened out, all the little things have been discussed and you realise your closer than you were.
I suggest you do this, text....that is how me and Sean get everything sorted out, if we have an arguement, we can't talk to each other without talking over each other, which becomes shouting over each other. So I walk away, go sit in the bedroom, and i text him. And after ten minutes we are back to cuddling on the sofa!!! :-D When he is in work, we text each other from the minute he gets there to the minute I fall asleep. During this time we talk about everything we need to talk about, we get anything out in the open whcih needs to be out in the open, and we discuss important matters. It makes it easier to say anything embarassing. I.e. if he does something in the bedroom which you don't like...or if you want to ask him soemthing you couldn't ask him to his face. Its also easier to answer truthfully in a text or email!
Communication is key, if you don't communicate, things will be bottled up and instead of little arguments daily, it will be one HUGE arguement which could have drastic concequences.
Also, ask questions, me and my husband still play a game, of asking each other questions, about everything, just random little things, its a great way to get to know more and more about each other, and maybe understand them more!!!
Relationships are hard...they need work. They're like a garden, without work and time and effort, it will wither and die, it will be dull and boring. But with some hard work, and commitment, it will strive and be a beautiful thing!!
Relationships all have their ups and downs they can be good and also stressing, there is no secret formula to achieving happiness in a relationship, but there are ways of enhancing your chances of a good relationship
Trust your partner if you really love each other then trusting one another is one of the things you have to learn
Make time for each other on a regular basis where you can be alone just the two of you just for a couple of hours everyday ,juggle you time or your schedule and spend time with your partner
Respect one another, I don't mean boss each other around but just learn to hold them in high esteem, respect their opinion
Talk, just talking to with you partner is can make difference to how you relate to each other, open up discuss your problems, update each other
Look good, get your hair done, dress nicely, and don't relax on the aspect of beauty just because you are now married or are in a relationship, this applies to both men and women always look good beauty plays an important part in any relationship.
Explore, variety is the spice of life so explore new things don't get stuck in the same routine day in day out break the routine try something new.
This review subject is very wide ranging, so I hope you will allow me just to focus on one small but growing aspect of relationships.
I want to talk about How to maintain a long distance relationship. As the Internet continues to grow, the number of people in long distance relationships is also continuing to grow.
There are a number of reasons that some people prefer to meet someone online. It provides an easy way to meet prospective partners who share your own values and ideas about life without being restricted to your own immediate local area.
This is an area that I know something about as for more than three years I had an online relationship with a girl on the other side of the world. A relationship which eventually led to a wedding, and an ongoing successful marriage.
In this review I am going to try and explain some of the ways we kept this relationship alive even when it was impossible for us to be together.
Long distance relationship advice is much the same as conventional relationship advice.
1. Be Yourself
2. Keeping Talking
Concentrate on getting to know the other person, and building your relationship over time. Your relationship is not going to progress very far unless you talk to each other, the problem is often that you may live some distance apart, often even in different countries with different time zones. The Internet offers many ways to keep talking online, and the method you choose will depend on your own personal circumstances. Some of the possible options are:
· Instant Messaging
If you both have access to Internet enabled computers at a convenient time then you can use an instant messaging service with a webcam like Yahoo Messenger, or MSN messenger and talk and see each other all day without it costing you a penny.
In a situation where only one of you has regular access to a computer then the best Internet dating advice I can give you is Be inventive It may well be possible to set up your Yahoo Messenger (or other instant messaging service) to send your IM's directly to your partners mobile phone. If you can get this set up then you are texting without cost, and your partner is only having to pay local rates to reply to you. Some countries have email to text services which work in a similar way but utilise email instead of an instant messaging service.
If you want to actually use your voice and talk to each other but only one of you has a computer then some form of VoIP (Voice over Internet Protocol) is the best solution. This could be done using your computer, but you might find a cheaper deal using one of the many VoIP services now being advertised on the Internet or in newspapers which offer pay-per-minute dial up services, or phonecards. You will have to do some research on your best options.
This is one area that long distance relationships actually have an advantage over the more conventional type of relationship. As your relationship is almost exclusively confined to talking / Emailing each other you are able to get to know each other much more quickly than you might do if you were more physically involved and didnt talk as much.
Understand Each Others World
One of the problems with a very long distance relationship, especially one where the two of you come from different countries, or different cultures, can be a lack of understanding of each others approach to the world. This is where the Internet can be your best research tool. Even if you can't be together you can still read your partners local newspapers, listen to the same radio stations, you can know what is going on in their world so you have something to talk about together, and you should get a better grasp of what is shaping their world view. This will be helpful when problems arise later in the relationship, and you dont understand why your partner reacts in the way that they do.
Keep the Surprises Coming
You can use the Internet to send your partner flowers or other gifts from a company close to where she lives. Gifts bought close to her home will cost you less in postage, and will also arrive quicker.
This is the best advice I can give you about long distance relationships. Much of it is drawn from my own experience, but as each relationship is unique. It must be up to you to keep your long distance relationship alive.
365...364...218...213...148...101...30...29...28...27 days left to Christmas!! WHERE IN THE WORLD DID THE LAST YEAR GO?!?!
Well, if your life is anything as hectic as mine can get, it has been filled with school events, work related stuff, shopping, vacation, etc, etc, etc. Unfortunately, this time of the year less than one month from Christmas often finds me upset because some of the areas a lot more people should be spending time have been ignored ---- namely SENIOR CITIZENS or OAPS!!
My own grandmother is in a residential home because she has a form of dementia and Alzheimers and she can no longer walk after having broken her hip in her own home due in part to the fault of the residential care aids. She laid behind the door in her own bedroom the entire night until they found her in the morning! Grrrrr, I am degressing and that is another review maybe for another day.
Unless we are on vacation and out of town, we visit my grandmother every week sometimes two or three times and a couple of times a month we even go and eat lunch with her. I count this as a privilege. Let me share with you the whys and whats of the relationship with this special senior and hopefully if you have a family member in the same situation, it will help you in your relationship with them.
Let me tell you about how the relationship with my grandmother developed. When I first came into the world, my grandmother was close by and by the end of the first day, she had held me in her arms. She did everything she could to help protect me when I was in her care. Many are the times that she would change my nappies even when she probably didn't feel like it. Even more times, the photos show a lovely much younger woman who had been widowed less than 6-7 years taking care of the feeding. You know the routine whereby the adult picks up the spoon and uses all kinds of attempts to get you (the baby) to open your mouth to receive another nourishing bite of food even though you may not want any more. I know there are times that my crying kept grandma awake when she could certainly have used the extra sleep. There are many times that I (as an accident prone kid) would scrape my knee playing outside or bang heads with my sister while fighting over another toy, and of course grandma at times would be present to give us a kiss and a hug and the world would be set right again. There are many, many other things that she did including doing without to be able to visit us and bring us presents she couldn't afford.
I remember one time when my grandmother came to visit us when we were living abroad, she was sitting on the settee with my siblings and I. I remember taking her hand in mine. While patting it, I made a comment about holding a "wrinkled hand in my hands". Grandma being less than 50 at that time wasn't really wrinkled, but from my perspective as a little kid, her skin wasn't as smooth as mine. I had already forgotten that even though they were wrinkled, there was a reason for those special hands being in that condition. Taking in laundry, doing homehelp, and other jobs to raise the extra cash so that I could hold those hands were the reason.
Now, fast forward 2-3 more decades to the present time and come with me to where she lives now. We walk through the door of a place that at first terrified me because I have never liked "old folks' homes!" The smell reminds me of old people who cannot take care of themselves. The sights show me people who are drooling and who cannot take care of themselves. The sounds point out to me people who cannot speak well anymore some because of strokes.
Yet, what does the heart have to say about this place, especially at Christmas? Well, I am glad you asked because I will share with you what my heart sees, but does NOT always remember to my shame.
1. Often I go to see an old lady who does not always remember (rarely in fact) who I am. She has grown very old (close to 90) and her prime has long been forgotten.
2. I walk in and see a shriveled up lady and I sit down and now I feel privileged to hold those wrinkled hands in mine and just remember the good times we had together even though many times we just sit there.
3. I sit there and wonder how much in her confused mind she actually can remember but cannot figure out how to say anymore and I know that at times she remembers because when it is time to leave, she will begin to cry and ask me not to leave but to stay a little longer.
4. I often have to help grandma get a drink or even help feed her because she is confused or too weak to do it herself. It is a privilege to do so even though I may not always think so. I remember she did it for me.
5. Sometimes my busy schedule makes me forget that she often did for me the things that I can now do for her, and instead of being overwhelmed with gratitude at all the times she did for me (and often without a word of thanks), I have thought about how I could wish for the old days when we could talk together in a coherent manner or play Scrabble or whatever.
6. But, then I am struck with the thought, "I wonder if she ever wished for the "old days" when life was simpler without a little helpless child around." However, she never showed it. It was ALWAYS love she showed to all of us and too often time constraints, PDA's, parties, and a myriad of other essential AND non-essential events become more important than showing love to those very important SENIORS!
So - why all this information?
Simply this - we go into the home and watch as week after week many of the old people NEVER get a visit. There will be some who won't even bother showing up for a once-a-year Christmas visit because they just can't be bothered. Some may show up for a token visit with another bottle of something that grandma or grandpa just DON'T care about! Seniors/Grandparents get lonely and just want to know they are STILL LOVED!!
My final bit of advice would have to be in the telling of a brief story that supposedly took place in a far-off land.
It is said that in country when grandparents got too old to care for and their children did not want the hassle that the old folks would be placed in a wheelbarrow and taken to the top of a mountain where they would be left to die. One day, a father was taking his young son with him to the top of the mountain with grandpa in the wheelbarrow. "Where are we going, dad?" The little boy asked. The father told him and all was quiet for a long time as the boy thought about this. Finally, the father asked what the young lad was thinking about and the little boy replied, "Dad, I am glad you brought me with you. Now I know where to take you when I don't want to take care of you anymore!" The story is relayed that the father was smitten in his heart and promptly turned the wheelbarrow around and took his own father home and cared for him with great affection.
The moral of the story is this - We often forget that ALL OF US will grow older (unless we die first)! Somebody will have to take care of us. What goes around comes around! If we don't care for those who cared for us, the same will probably haunt us and it will be us sitting in a home somewhere forgotten, alone, and wondering what went wrong. One day they will be gone and it will be too late to turn the clock back for one extra visit. They won't appreciate the flowers at the graveside. They won't hear our whispered words of love. But we will know the agony of not doing more than we do when it is in our power to do so!
Happy Christmas to all those who cared for us when we couldn't care for ourselves. And extra special thoughts and love to my Grandma Esther who was always there for me!
I was sitting down with my fiancé last night and we were thinking about how great we were getting on and how we have the strongest relationship out of most of our friends. We have been together for nearly four years now and in the past year we have bought a house and got engaged so I now feel I have enough experience and knowledge to advise people on relationships and how to maintain a good one.
What do You Need to Have a Good Relationship?
This is the main thing that you need to enable you to have a great relationship and it doesnt necessarily mean you have to have a lot in common. Me and Dave have completely different ideas on what is fun and what isnt but we are willing to give each others ideas a go and we can just simply sit in the same room for hours having a good old chat and gossip about what is going on in our lives.
I know couples who literally spend all of their time apart. Take two of my friends who say hi to each other when they get in from work and say goodnight to each other when they go to bed. Other than that one of them is in front of the computer all of the time and one of them is in front of the television. Seriously I do not think I have ever seen them, have a good conversation. You need to get along because if you dont you will literally drive each other mad.
To be together you must have fun together and this to me is the most important thing. Me and Dave make each other laugh so much and we dont even have to be doing anything as we find each other that good to get along with. This is not always enough though and we need to get out into the big wide world and do something fun which can involve going to the cinema or going swimming or even just to play a sport.
The thing to do here is to find things that are common interests or that both of you are willing to give a go. One of our favourite recent memories was when randomly we decided to go to an otter sanctuary then a cave and then a meal out before driving the two hours back home. it is also important to do things for the other person for instance I hate computers but I still play the odd computer game with Dave as I know he loves it.
If you are not having fun then do something about it sharpish.
Respect Each Other;
Every relationship needs both people to respect each other because if you didnt then it is unfair and unbalanced and it will cause problems in the future. You need to realise all fo the qualities in the other person and also show respect to any decisions they may make and if you do that and genuinely do respect the other person then you shouldnt have many problems.
If you are in a loving committed relationship then although you dont constantly have to tell each other that you love each other you do have to be intimate and show your true feelings. One couple I know will not even hold hands if they think somebody may be watching and another couple dont even sit together because they want to prove they can be apart as their friends take the mick out of them always doing things together. I think it is a great thing to show people how much you care so do it.
This does link to finding each other attractive and having sex in many instances. If you do not find things attractive in your partner then what is the point in being together.
My Tips for Arguing in a Good Relationship:
Everybody has arguments but when they come if you handle them properly then they will be a little less of a pain.
This is the most obvious point but if you manage to stay calm instead of shouting down the house and swearing then it will be over much quicker and you can get on with your life. Plus getting that angry just makes everyone feel worse and also more irate so it will probably last a lot longer too.
If you have problems say it;
I have actually learnt from experience with this one as for ages I kept a problem that I had to myself and after about four weeks it came to surface and because I had let it pester me for so long it actually became a much bigger deal than it needed to be. The thing about problems is that they niggle at you and in most cases you will feel worse the longer the problem is there so my advice is to nip it in the bud straight away.
How I would approach it if you do have a problem is to first take a deep breath and calm down. Do not get irate which is what I have done in the past as this just makes things worse. Instead make you and the other person a drink and then just sit down using nice body language and a calm voice and explain what is wrong. If the conversation goes angry or loud then keep your voice down and calm and if that doesnt help walk out of the room for five minutes to let you both calm down.
Do not leave this conversation without coming to a reasonable agreement and actually making up. If you cant make up for whatever reason then agree to spend a small time period apart whether this be minutes or hours and then clearly state that you will talk about it later.
Dont Shift Blame onto the other person;
The worse thing you can ever do in a relationship is shift blame entirely onto another person unless they absolutely deserve it. I tend to do this a lot and it gets me mad that I do it as I always think well if I had addressed it sooner then maybe he wouldnt do it or if I actually helped him out in that aspect then it would make it easier for him to notl et me down. Things happen that you immediately want to say well thats your fault but do think before you accuse.
Dont Leave an Argument;
This refers to walking away or going to sleep because either will make you feel very bad. Once when I was at university we were having an argument and he actually walked out of my house and left. I felt so bad and guilty and it just made the situation worse because we couldnt get in touch with each other so you must always settle it there and then. I am aware that things take time but many arguments are really silly ones as I am sure you will agree so try to solve them straight away.
The same goes for going to sleep on an argument as it will make you feel so bad when you wake up and the argument will eat into another day. I hate arguing so I like it to be over asap but sleeping on it will just prolong it and you will spoil another day whereas if you make up straight away then you can get over it the next day and do something fun instead which is much better.
Donts in Relationships:
It is ok to still find other people attractive as long as you dot act on it so please remember that. One couple I know split up because a guy couldnt resist although now he realises what he has done and has spent the past few years mourning the death of the relationship. If you are thinking about cheating then maybe you ought to have a chat to your partner and establish what is wrong in the relationship and then maybe you can fix it rather then destroy it.
Dont Say Things you Will Regret;
Ok so I have done this loads of times but I am trying to start thinking about what to say before I do as I am one to just blurt things out and think why did I just say that and then I have to end up apologising. Think before you blurt!
So there you go, I dont proclaim to be an expert but I have learnt some things as I have been a right pain of a girlfriend in the past but now I am a lot better. Now we have no problems and we are arguing very rarely so my relationship is A ok. Anything you want me to add let me know.
Thanks for reading.
"Oh love, what did you ever do to deserve a wife like me?"
she said looking lovingly into her husbands eyes.
"I don't know, but I promise I'll never do it again."
Young Actor: Dad, guess what? I've just got my first part in a play. I play the part of a man who's been married for 30 years.
Father: Well, keep at it, son. Maybe one day you'll get a speaking part.
Three men were at a bar. Two of the men were discussing the control they had over their wives, while the third remained uninterested.
After a short while, the two men turned to the third and asked, "What about you? What kind of control do you have over your wife?" The third man turned to the first two and said, "Well, just the other day I had her on her knees!"
The two men were dumbfounded. "Wow that's incredible! What happened next?" they asked. The third man took a healthy swig of his beer, sighed and grumbled, "Then she started screaming at me to get out from under the bed and fight like a man!"
A man and a woman who had never met before found themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment had passed, they both managed to fall asleep - the woman on the top bunk, and the man on the lower.
In the middle of the night the woman leaned over the edge of the bunk and said, "I'm sorry to bother you, Sir, but I am terribly cold and was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket?"
The man looked up with a glint in his eye and said, "I've got a better idea... why don't we pretend we're married?" "Why not?!" giggled the woman. "Good," he replied. "Get your own damn blanket!"
The newlywed wife said to her husband when he returned from work, "I have great news for you. Pretty soon, we're going to be three in this house instead of two."
Her husband ran to her with a smile on his face and delight in his eyes.
He was glowing of happiness and kissing his wife when she said, "I'm glad that you feel this way since tomorrow morning, my mother moves in with us."
ok ok ok ok.....sorry about the old jokes, but in my opinion this is what it is all about! Humour.... humour..... humour! That is why these jokes are made......we need to laugh at ourselves more, and laugh with each other! That, in my opinion, is what makes a good relationship, whether it be marriage. whatever, be able to laugh through it all.........I personally laugh about certain aspects of my life with my relationships, whether it be marriage, friendship, child and Mother relationship....whatever! You have to laugh yourselves through it sometimes! Laughter makes the relationship work in most cases! Let's all laugh!
It works for me! I hope it will work for you too!
Is there a such thing as a perfect relationship? I don't think so. Every relationship must have something which isn't perfect, everyone must have disagreements even if its not a full blown row. I have a great relationship with my husband and i feel there is many reasons why. We have been together 14 years and married 11 years, which i think is an achievement in its self. I got married when i was 19 and many people stereotyped us by saying we was too young it would last but WHY? They didn't know us.
My Top Ten Tips for a good relationship:
1. Talk to each other, don't bottle things us.
2. Don't shout at each other, always stay calm when discussing anything, no matter what its about.
3. Share hobbies even if your not too keen on what the other is doing, showing an interest speaks and million words.
4. Don't suffocate each other, have your own individual time.
5. Spend quality time together, going out for a meal or to the cinema.
6. Try and give each other a kiss at least once a day and especially before bed.
7. Don't go to sleep angry with each other, try and resolve the matter first.
8. Put in equal effort into the relationship, its not going to work if its all one sided.
9. Sex - Make time for it, at least once a week shouldn't be a problem and enjoy it, discover each other, try new things.
10. Know each other - Talk about past, present and future so you can get a sense of what you both want out of life.
I hope i have given you some useful advice and hope that everyone has a lovely relationship, like i do.
ADVICE ON RELATIONSHIPS
This is something of an obscure heading for a review, so I shall give my own views on how I interpret it.
First of all, anyone can give advice on relationships, whether the people concerned will actually take notice is another matter.
And what are relationships? Does the title mean a relationship between two people based on love? Or is it a relationship between parents and children? In laws? Friends?Colleagues?
Lets start with the obvious one the relationship between two people based on love. What happens when things go wrong? Who do you turn to? Usually people try to sort things out between themselves by arguing and shouting, losing their temper, then when they realise nothing has been solved one or the other may ask a friend or relative for advice. Fine, but are they qualified to advise? What happens if they dont like your partner? The fact that you need their advice is an ideal opportunity for them to release their venom about the relationship and they will be only too happy to tell you to leave him/her.
For more professional advice you can contact the Citizens Advice Bureau and they will be able to tell you about agencies such as Relate, who offer counselling and advice on relationship problems. Or you could go to a solicitor specialising in family relationship problems, but I would think this is something of a last resort.
But suppose you have asked for advice from a friend or relative and opened your heart to them about the problems you are encountering. You have revealed your secrets to them, in confidence. Hopefully they will not have told anyone but suppose they have gossiped about you? What happens to your friendship? Or perhaps you asked for their advice but then decided to get back with your partner and then your advisor is not happy that you went against their advice. What happens to the friendship then? Maybe it is too embarrassing to stay friends and so you may have saved your relationship (until next time?) but your friendship has suffered as a result.
My old uncle used to have a wise saying We can criticise our own as much as we want, but let anyone else criticise them to us and we dont like it. How very true. You may think your partner is horrid, drinks too much, beats you up, swears at the kids, but let someone else tell you this and you will probably defend your partner and find excuses for the behaviour.
So my advice about asking for advice for a relationship, involving partners, would be to be cautious who you turn to. Perhaps confide in someone in the family or a good friend at first, but dont tell them too much. If you get back with your partner you may regret having aired your problems. If you have problems you would not want to discuss with someone close to you, then it is perhaps much better to seek professional advice first, from someone who has no connection with you.
You could of course try writing to the problem pages of magazines, but I am sure they must be inundated with questions and it might take them ages to reply or print your letter. There are online problem pages, but I would be wary about using these, how do you know they are reputable?
For other kinds of relationships, there are a number of options. Suppose it is a problem between parent and child. The first thing to do here is to sit down with your child and discuss the problem with them, calmly, not shouting or arguing. If this doesnt solve the issues, maybe you can have a word with their teacher, are there problems at school which make your child behave badly. You could confide in your GP or Health Visitor, they should be able to help or refer you to someone else who can offer specialist advice.
For any kind of relationship advice, talking is a good way to communicate yet it is surprising how few people actually do this! They shout and yell at each other and moan to others, but how many actually sit down and calmly discuss what is bothering them.
The most important step in looking for any kind of relationship advice would be to talk to the person concerned before asking anyone else what they advise. You may find you solve your own problems that way. Just choose a time when you are both able to sit down together, calmly and ask for their advice on your relationship after all, they are involved so you might just be able to offer each other the advice you need.
Sadly, all this sounds okay in theory but I know life is not so easy and some people find it impossible to talk to each other, but hopefully my review will have shed some light on relationship advice and where to obtain it.