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When hearts can be mended.
Advice on relationships
Member Name: Mama-Q
Advice on relationships
Date: 09/12/11, updated on 09/12/11 (40 review reads)
Advantages: you can get what you want from a relationship by finding someone who wants the same
Disadvantages: you could have your heart broken, but that's life ;).
I honestly believe I could write a book about relationships!
My first serious relationship was when I was 16 - pretty young and it was very full on! After that broke up (or rather it just seemed to dissolve) I decided to take 'time off' from relationships.
Well, I suppose that didn't go to plan exactly because by the time I was 17 (almost 18) I ended up in a 3 month relationship with a guy who was 22 and lived near me - my ex had been further away/long distance and if I dated others they hadn't lived so near by. To be honest I truly think this relationship was a rebound, but it was a lovely relationship and my 22yr old boyfriend was so lovely! He complimented me often, wouldn't let me buy a single thing if we were out on dates, was a true gent to be honest - and the best thing was that there was no pressure to 'be' anything more or to do anything we didn't want to do.
I remember having a brief conversation about marriage with this bloke, but nothing full on, just a general chit chat on how we felt about it. He told me that he *never* wanted kids and I felt this was in part of being very responsible for his younger (by 10 years) sister but said that if the 'right person' came along, he'd think about marriage. One time, near the end of the relationship (and quite honestly I knew it was reaching it's expiry date) he talked about buying me a 'ring' but didn't specify whatsoever. Just said I should be measured for said ring and I suppose this scared me away.
He was honestly one of my more positive dating experiences but I think the age gap (okay there wasn't much of one, but enough to make a difference) really separated us. I just 'wasn't that into him' and that makes me feel kind of bad, but by the same token we wanted different things. I was 17 but I knew I wanted kids 'one day' - not sure where or when, but someday. I'm glad now that I chose to end the relationship - it was clear we wanted different things and that in the long run I couldn't compromise on my desire to be a mother.
I think if you're expected to compromise such a huge thing you're better off out of the relationship - unless it's something you don't want and know you can live without. Honestly, it might hurt for a while, but you will get over it - and get to make your dreams come true with someone whose a better fit for you.
These days I speak to this ex on Facebook and we've swapped a few messages back and forth about our lives now. The first message I got from him was a huge congrats on the birth of my son and how happy I must be to be a mother. I congratulated him on his achievements and we've always been on talking terms, although have simply lost tough through getting on with life.
After this relationship there were a couple of silly crushes and dates I'd rather forget ;). Then when I was 18 my friend introduced me to my next boyfriend.
At the time I considered him nothing more than a friend, but as these things happen when boy meets girl, feelings developed. To cut a long story short we admitted we were falling in-love with one another. At the time I'm not sure what I was thinking or feeling. He told me he loved me and I felt like I couldn't leave him hanging - I told him I really liked him and then said I loved him because I knew I could learn to love him.
I know that sounds awful, but it's the awful truth. And it's taught me SO much! To never say you love someone unless you truly do love them. After a time, I did fall in love and I did love him - so very much - but I only had the start of those feelings when I admitted them.
A few months after we got together we hit a snag. I won't get into details about it but we had a very sad and devastating break up. After a few weeks we knew we couldn't be apart, but again, after a few months we broke up. It was horrible. Every time was a reminder of that first break up and I honestly didn't know if I could take it ever again.
We did get back together after a lot of time apart and we both made the decision that if we broke up again, that would be it. No more second, third or fourth chances. Love is a very strong emotion and it can definitely make you or break you - we decided it would be the making of us and really tried at our relationship. The reason it had broken down in the past was due to not spending enough time together and putting jobs and university work before the relationship - big mistake. I understand that work and education is important, but you can always get a job (well in this climate I'm not too sure ;) and you can always drop out of education and start again...a relationship? Well that can smash into pieces and even when you glue the pieces up, the cracks can still show.
There were a few times where this boyfriend offered that we should move in together. I wasn't comfortable with this at all and although he'd abandon the idea, he'd always come back to it. I was young and didn't want to commit in that way. If I was going to live with someone, we'd be married and this boyfriend wasn't too keen on the idea of marriage so we came apart at the seams, slowly.
We had a great relationship regardless of our differences, in fact it probably gave us a dynamic that many relationships miss out on. The thing that drew us to one another was our passion - we were chock full of passion for everything; life, love, relationships and anything that came our way.
When things improved, I was so happy. I woke up excited every day, so in love. Everyone used to comment that they couldn't picture us with anyone else - that we were 'made for each other.'
I think that's a false idea. It buys into the soul mate notion and I don't think there is only ONE person for everyone - if that's true, why do people die? Why do people get divorced and re-married? Human beings aren't built for love, they're built for survival. Love will always come secondary.
And so it was with survival - and love - that I decided I wouldn't compromise my desire to be married. We talked at length, for the first time in our relationship, about marriage and it was clear to me that my boyfriend didn't want to get married. Whether or he was scared, whether he'd had a bad experience with marriage I don't know. All I was left with was the fact he didn't want to marry me or be married to anyone. It wasn't me, it really was him.
We spoke a lot on the phone after the break up but I kept my distance from him. The feelings were still there, but I wanted to work them out of my system before I clapped eyes on him again. We would meet up and the inevitable would always happen - first a hug and then leading to a kiss. We weren't together, but for all intents and purposes, we may well have been.
I decided the best thing for me to do was to move down to London (I'm from and lived in Scotland at this point) and start new there. After a 3 year relationship, I needed a clean break. We'd still always be friends, but I couldn't go on living my life around whether or not he'd slept with someone.
In London I had A LOT of fun on dates, they never seemed to progress to anything more until I met someone I really liked. I met his friends, he took me out all the time, we had fun and suddenly I got a text telling me he wanted to call things off. I thought this was so low - please, NEVER text dump someone.
Upset, I turned to my ex in Scotland. He got angry at this boy who'd made me upset and text dumped me. He then went onto to tell me how jealous he'd been when I told him I was seeing someone new and how much of a **** he thought this person was. I was shocked because I believed my ex had moved on considerably. Apparently not so. He went onto tell me that he still had feelings for me and that things 'hadn't changed' since our break up...
I made a trip to Scotland, I met up with the ex to have an informal chat. We decided to start seeing each other again, but we'd keep things low key until it was more established and had a chance to grow. I wasn't totally sure that would work out, but I was willing to see where it went.
Well, I went back to London and it was in this time that he slept with some girl he knew. Um, well, that made me feel so trashy and worthless. Especially since HE had initiated everything with me. I hadn't even hinted at wanting to get back together because I knew it was silly.
He came to visit me for a week - months after the cheating incident - and I decided to do what any crazy girl would do when her ex boyfriend goes off for a shower. I stole his phone and snuck into my room with it. I went through his texts. Nothing. So I went through his contacts and sent a message to the girl he'd cheated with. I can't remember what I said, something silly like 'fancy a shag?' (LOL!) and she texted back like 'haha. Maybe later. ' I think she was on holiday or something. Well, when he got out the shower and dressed I told him about the text. To be honest I should NOT have sent that text or gone through his phone - it was none of my business, we weren't even together and were just friends (yes it's possible) - but I suppose I wanted to confirm the reality of the situation. Well, I got my reality check and it felt horrible.
I don't know how, but I moved on from him cheating on me, and we remained friends. After he cheated I knew I could NEVER get back with him, the cheating had sealed the deal on that one. We stayed friends and I didn't see him for months. Instead I started a relationship with my now husband :).
He was a breath of fresh air compared to my last relationship. For a start my husband was very clear on what he wanted - marriage and a family. He basically told me I could be a part of his plans or not, it was my choice. For the first time in a while the roles were reversed and it was refreshing. We got engaged shortly after being together and it just felt right - it's true when people say 'when you know, you know.'
Well I had that feeling playing a game of Bullseye on DVD with my soon-to-be-husband and the soon-to-be-in-laws. It was a massive slap in the face 'I don't want to be without this wonderful man in my life' feeling. The love and the feelings felt so good - and so right. I didn't want to be without him and I hadn't felt like that before about ANYONE :).
We were married in February (2009) and honestly it was the most wonderful and dreamy day of my life! Less than a year later, in time for our wedding anniversary, on the 9th of Feb 2010, our son was born :).
Every day since then has had it's ups and downs, but we've done everything together and it's been the most stable and calming relationship I've ever had. I feel safe in his arms and being with him is like coming home.
As for my ex? Well I don't talk to him any more. But he sent me an email after I got married, very upset I hadn't invited him to the wedding and then went onto to tell me that he'd always pictured me and him 'being together again, someday.' Um, okay? Break up with me loads, tell me you don't want to marry me, cheat on me and expect we'll be together one day? Don't think so.
Ladies and gents, take it from me, a seasoned traveller on the waves of love - don't settle for anything less than what YOU want. Find someone who wants to meet the same relationship goals as you and give up on anyone who won't compromise or provide you with what you want - and ultimately, what you deserve.
Summary: 5/5 for my husband!