Who will buy my sweet red roses? 2 blooms for a penny (and you don't see that down Safeway's) (Best / Worst TV Adverts)

Member Name: Boonoiy

Product:	Best / Worst TV Adverts
Date:	12/06/02 (1404 review reads)
Rating:

Advantages: Great fun sometimes, Chameleon phone

Disadvantages: Oh dear - there goes another clanger - wish some advertisers would just learn to stop dropping them!

Ads, you love 'em, you hate em' they are totally unavoidable as Channel 4 gets all the best films, channel 5 starts to get its act together with the showing of The Godfather and ITV has, ahem, well, some soaps and stuff - do they show the footy? They must do something. Anyway, they're all over the major channels, both digital and terrestrial and you learn to know them pretty well after a while in front of the box.

So, what's the Daddy? What do we like and what do we hate? Well - here we go!

Top gits tonight (anyone recognises the reference and I'll be very happy):

Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeen One (Bullseye - should never have been cancelled): Holstein Pils - Ray Winstone and his terrible ads - "What's the daddy of lagers?" - absolute crap each and every one of them.
I've got to point out that I've got nothing against Ray himself - a great and talented actor but these adverts, obviously picking up ion the hardman image he's been typecast into, do him no justice at all - cringe worthy and no mistake.

Number 2: Halifax - staff singing - enough said...

3. Now you'll know the one I mean, it really freaks me out and HAS to be turned over each and every time it comes on the telly - as such I've got no idea what it is advertising but it sure is horrible!

Yes, it's the Synchronised Swimming babies!

Run, run like the wind until they're far, far behind you!

You've seen them, all swimming happily with cute little smiles on their faces up and down fountains and soaring through the air. Minions of the Antichrist each and every one of them. How any advertising executive could ever commission something so horrific and allow it to be unleashed on an unwitting public is beyond me. Evil babies swimming? Not going to get me to buy anything, I had enough nightmares about that nipper in the Sun on Teletubbies.

- imagine me shuddering as th
e thought crosses my mind once more at this stage!

So we've got to 3, what more can I add - I think I'll see about hitting 5 then move on to things more pleasant...

In 4 (Something for the kids... - oh go on, you remember Bullseye, don't you?):

Stella Artois - Incredibly ugly son returns from the war.

Here we have the touching scene of a father and son reunited after the war, he's brought his saviour back with him to join in the celebrations and his dad hails him as the hero he is. Both of these veterans are stereotypically ugly beyond belief and you can tell, even before they open their mouths, that they're French. You've got that dozy "Jean De Florette" music playing and a whole nation of A-Level French students, both past and present, shudders at the memories of Gerard Depardieu's hump and the blowing up of his well (How I cried...HAHAHAHAHAH). The veteran's dad will only foot the bill for one glass of Stella and the hero has to make do with "du vin" - horribly French.

Cinq - Cantona's cage, Nike.

Why does he not just go away? I never liked him much as a footballer, never mind a TV star! Annoying and, well, just crap.

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On then to the best of the bunch, those ads that make you look forward to a commercial break and yes, there are some out there that can amuse and stimulate the mind although rarely get me to buy anything. Here goes with the top 5!

We'll go for reverse order shall we?

At number 5 we've got - Any of the brilliant Phileas Fogg adverts. Not been a lot doing with these recently but do you not remember? The trips around the world, all boiling down to the little plummy-voice (obviously a toff) telling us to "Pay attention!" and that they only make their snacks in Consett (Co. Durham? - probably).

Love the snacks, love the ads. <
br>
Number 4 - Tango, fat man from round the corner...

We all used to love this one back in the old school days. Remember the joy the first time you saw him? A bloke, innocently standing on a curb drinking his can of Orange Tango with a commentary team following his every move - all of a sudden we see an instant reply, here he comes - big and flabby, painted bright orange and some kind of nappy thing on. Using both hands he slaps the bloke with the can of Orange fizz on both cheeks and legs it away. Cue the stunned look and the "You know when you've been Tango'd" slogan.

Sheer genius and no mistake.

3 (nearly there now) - Budweiser, real American heroes.

Proof, if proof be need be (Ah - if you got the last one, that won't pass you by...) that the Yanks have got a sense of humour about themselves sometimes.

We've had - Really bad toupee wearer, pro-wrestling costume designer and nudist colony activity planner to name but a few (that I can remember....). Each has the typical Bon Jovi type of singer giving a wailing rendition of why they're being saluted - Gospel choir in the background and a running expose (you'll just have to imagine the accent on the "e") on the hero of the day.

Great fun and a real good laugh! Bring out more of the same Mr Weiser. Cheers.

Ooooooooooh the tension mounts, we're right up there now, what will it be? What will be in the penultimate spot this fine/gloomy/average (insert day of reading here) Morning/afternoon/evening?

Here you go with a strong 2nd.

Tubular Bells!

You've all seen this one - the ad with the car and the creepy Exorcist music and all sorts of people writing DIE on things or killing their kids' play petrol station to remind them they've got to fill up with DIESEL. Quality and creepy at the same time.

Here's the top of the tree, the numero uno, (The Da
ddy if you like - see how those ones I hate still have an influence on me? How I hate Holstein Pils - nationwide boycott on my behalf? I'll leave it up to your conscience to decide).

BT (thanks - for the correction)

The Chameleon telephone!

Oh what I wouldn't do for one of those. If you have not seen this one yet I think you're about out of luck as I've not seen it for a while.

2 blokes, a sofa and a phone in the shape of a chameleon on a branch, with a beetle playing the harmonica! The phone rings and Karma Chameleon is the, well, I think you'd call it the ringtone although it's just the tune - in all its glory! The beetle plays the harmonica in the appropriate sections and the chameleon nods his/her (who knows...?) head in time to the music - blokes crack up on the sofa and eventually pick the receiver up to get their mate to call back again!

Oh the joys of chameleon telephones - anyone know where to get hold of one and I'd be very happy to talk to them.

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So, there it must end, a trawl through the mind of Boon and his lovely top and bottom TV ads. I promise to watch again tonight to see if I can find a suitable Number 2 (consider all comments frowned upon) and will update this very soon for your viewing pleasure.

Thanks for reading.

Boon.

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