*UPDATE* Where Were the Adults? : Bullying in the Aftermath of Columbine (Bullying in Schools)

Member Name: ladybahnsidhe

Product:	Bullying in Schools
Date:	04/03/01 (86 review reads)
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Updated in the wake of the San Diego school shooting, March 5, 2001

"Mommy, where were the adults???"

I can still hear the anguished tone of my then fifteen year old daughter's voice as she asked that question. The date was April 20, 1999. The country was reeling as the first reports of the Columbine shootings hit the headlines. And my bright, sweet, top of her class daughter was asking the question that many wouldn't consider for weeks.

Where were the adults all those years while those boys were being taunted? Where were the adults who should have seen what was happening? Where were the adults while the rage built inside those young men?

As the dust settled around Columbine High School, other students painted a picture of a group of alienated young men who had been picked on, taunted and bullied most of their school lives. It is so often the case with such incidents -- youngsters bullied for years, ostracized from their peers, who eventually snap and hit back.

In the aftermath of Columbine, the education and pop psychology communities have discovered a new buzzword -- 'bully-proofing'. Pretty little play on words, isn't it? Catchy name for something that should stem from common sense and compassion, but in this society that has strayed so far from the heart, is something that needs to be taught.

There is a song from the Rodgers & Hammerstein musical South Pacific:

You've got to be taught before it's too late,
before you are six or seven or eight,
to hate all the people you relatives hate---
you've got be carefully taught!
--South Pacific, Rodgers & Hammerstein

Children are not by nature cruel. They mimic what they see around them, learn to do what rewards them. If teasing, hitting and bullying other children offers them a reward, they will continue to do it. It is up to parents, schools and other children to remove the rewards and
make bullying as unrewarding as possible. To that end, educating children and adults on what exactly bullying is and how harmful it can be is paramount. Students should know that teasing, name-calling and threats are as much bullying as physically hitting or tripping another child. They should realize that when they join in such behavior or encourage it in others, even by snickering, they are feeding it.

When my daughter was in grade school, she came home one day almost in tears and confessed that she was ashamed of herself. She had been part of a circle of girls at noon recess who gathered round to taunt and make fun of another girl. She said to me, "I didn't say anything bad myself, mommy, but I didn't stop them either. I was afraid they'd start teasing me." After I congratulated her on at least not joining in, she and I discussed some other strategies she might have used. In the end, she set out for school the next day with a list of other girls she thought might also have been uncomfortable with the situation. Over the course of the day, she drew them aside and talked to them privately. The next time their 'ringleader' started her game, the group of them turned and walked away, leaving her with almost no audience for her taunting. It was a strategy that took guts and planning, but one that illustrated two of the most basic principles offered by the experts on 'bullyproofing'.

1.) Enlist aid.
Cara did not act alone, fearing (probably with good reason) that the bully would turn her attentions on her. Instead, she came home and enlisted first my aid, then that of others she felt would be sympathetic. If their strategy had not worked, they were prepared to walk as a group to a teacher, and call her attention to what was happening.

2.) Express disapproval of the bullying actions.
The group of girls voted in the most potent way possible -- they withdrew their presence and their attenti
on. Without an audience, there was little reason for the bully to continue.
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Some other strategies that can be used by children being bullied:

1.) Avoid the situation.
Sit on the other side of the room. Walk a different route home from school. Let the bully have the front of the line. I personally only advocate this as a strategy for self-defense. Unfortunately, many bullies will interpret it as fear and press the issue further. It also reinforces the fear and feelings of inadequacy to the bullied child. On the other hand, the idea is to keep your child safe, so if nothing else is working, remove them from the situation. When my younger daughter was being bullied on her way home from school, I enlisted my oldest son to walk her every day till the whole thing died down. Bullies will eventually turn to easier prey.

2.) Refuse to be bothered.
Or at least to let it show. Words can indeed hurt more than sticks and stones, but teaching a child not to react visibly can armor them from being a victim. There's no fun in calling someone 'fatso' if they simply reply, "Yeah, what's your point?" or take no notice of it at all.

3.) If your child has a characteristic likely to be made fun of, enlist the aid of classmates.
When my younger son was in kindergarten, one of his classmates suffered from a condition that made her hair fall out. At the outset of the school year, Annie's mother arranged to visit the class and explain it to them. After hearing why Annie's hair was falling out, and asking questions, the class became her biggest supporters. Annie has never been teased or made fun of because of her awkward appearance, because the children understood. When others from outside the class commented, they all gathered in her defense. A little proactive medicine can work wonders to defuse things before they start.

My 11 year old daughter took issue with the first suggesti
on. Her comments:
'If someone was picking on me, I'd stay around them. Sit near them at lunchtime. Don't avoid them. It's like saying, 'You don't scare me' without getting in their face. And it will really bug them that they can't make you afraid. If you avoid them, then it's like letting them know they scare you, and it will just get worse.'

******What if your child is the bully?******

Marti Genge, Education Outreach Specialist for the Springfield, Arkansas school district offers the following advice (paraphrased):

--Work together with your school. If approached by the school with a bullying situation, try not to react with defensiviness and anger.
--Be a good role model. If you consistently use teasing or belittling as humor -- STOP!. Avoid physical punishment. Many bullies assume that a strong physical presence is the only way to control a situation because it is what they have learned. (Does this begin to sound like there's a theme?)
--Identify bullying situations with your child and suggest other means of handling them.
--Roleplay positive interactions.
--Reward good behavior. It's not enough to point out where they went wrong. It's vital to reinforce their developing social skills by rewarding them with praise and more.

Genge pinpoints one of the most counter-productive reactions to bullying -- denying that it exists. Too often, parents will hear that 'Such things don't happen here' or 'we don't tolerate that here' when they call the school with a concern about their child being bullied. Telling students to respect each other while teachers belittle them in front of classmates or ignore taunting when it happens in front of them is tantamount to giving permission to those who can get away with it. The truth is that bullying happens in -any- school, at every grade level, and the only way to stop it is to foster a
n environment of respect for everyone in the school -- by everyone in the school. Though many of the suggestions for bully-proofing children and schools hinge on the children's actions, it is the adults who must lead the way.

Nothing will ever erase or excuse the actions of Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold on that April day nearly two years ago. Perhaps though, with a little foresight and education, we can make sure that no one ever again has to ask -- Where were the -adults-?

****Update: March 5, 2001*****
******************************

Less than 48 hours ago, I sat here typing, my throat tight and eyes stinging with tears. It happens every time I remember the sound of my daughter's voice that afternoon. Tonight, I have no tears. I sit here literally stunned, unable to think.

At 9:21 this morning, a yet unidentified young man stepped from a stall in the boys' rest room in a school in San Diego, CA, and opened fire on his fellow students. The latest count is two dead, 13 wounded. Students described the gunman as a first year high school student, 'the kind of kid that gets picked on.'


Within two hours of the shootings, the message boards on Yahoo had nearly 150 messages about the shooting. The fifth, posted just after the story broke was from a young person who is homeschooled. This youngster wrote, in part:

..i never want to goto a public school again...just because kids at the highschool tease and then it makes you mad and stressed and that starts out and ends as something horrifying..

In the wake of this shooting, the cries will rise again -- better security in the schools, early identification of possible threats. People will place blame on violence in video games, music, television and movies. Others will rise up to deny that the blame lies anywhere but on the child with the gun.

I do not mean to imply that we should place the blame for the shootings on the vic
tims. No one should pay for their words with their lives. The ultimate responsibility lies in the hand that held the gun. But there is a reason that he pulled out that gun at *school*, a reason pointed out by the child who posted that message on the Yahoo message boards.

I desperately hope that the voice of one child, writing about his fears on Yahoo's bulletin boards, will be heard among the outrage.

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