please dont suffer in silence (Child Abuse)

Member Name: sparky111

Product:	Child Abuse
Date:	17/05/09 (40 review reads)
Rating:

Advantages: n/a

Disadvantages: n/a

After reading a review from kimgraham when I first started on Dooyoo I was touched by her bravery as to what she wrote about her experience. I never really thought I would have the courage myself to write my own but I think now that even if one person reads this and gets help with a similar problem then at least something good would of come from my unpleasant past experiences.

Please bear with me as I do not yet know how far into it I am prepared to go..but here goes.

My story.

A bit of background.

My biological father who I doted on each and every day finally seperated from my mother. I was never close to my mother and even now while writing this I cannot remember ever cuddling her or any close moments for that matter.

I was around four when my father left, I did see him some weekends for a while, but they became few and far between. My mother in the mean time had met a new man and it was then that I had lost contact with my real father, as he was told that my new step father wished to adopt me, so for whatever reason my dad agreed, I suppose he thougt it would be more normality for me...only he could not of been more wrong.

I was 5 years old when the abuse started, although I cannot remember the actual first time or even what I was told, but I do know I was not to say anything to anyone and I didnt for many years to come.

I have to say at this point that I never suffered intercourse throughout my experience which went on for a number of years, I suppose in some strange way I was one of the luckier ones for that, it would of been a lot worse for me if that had happened I am sure.

My childhood was not a very happy one, I remember lots of times as my school friends would talk about their parents, and their plans for the weekend I would feel very left out and I suppose to some extent a little envious. The one special parent that I loved had gone and I was left with my mum and this monster...Although as a child I never saw him like that, I thought he cared for me and what he was doing was because he cared, it is not until you look through an adults eyes that you really see the truth.

My teenage years were the best and worst part for me, The abuse stopped when I was 13 and I think this happened because I was becoming a woman and he became worried incase I got a boyfriend and I would say things.

Life was unbearable I would wear only black clothes and I would stay in my room nearly all the time whilst at home and became very introvert. All my friends would go up town on the bus and be independant but I could never do that as the thought of getting on a bus horrified me with all those people.

Whilst at senior school I had another episode with a school teacher, he took me into his office and rubbed himself up and down me, I was horrified when this happened twice. My only thought were why me, do I encourage these things in some way, I must give out signals.

Whilst on work experience in the school office I befriended a lady who worked there, and I felt I could really trust her. For some reason I told her what had happened with the teacher and she was with me every step of the way, I had to attend interviews with the deputy head and go into details as to what had happened and when, she was my rock, but still I held back on my step father and could not go that bit further and tell her about him.

On my last day of school I took an overdose, I was on epilepsy pills and just took one after another, I was afraid of getting a job and of what life had in store for me as I thought I would end up living with my mother and step father for ever. My life seemed hopeless.

I was taken to hospital and had to have my stomach pumped out, Luckily there was no damage and I was out in a couple of days, I was given the option of counselling but did not want it. I have a very vivid memory of my step father at the end of my bed asking if this I had overdosed because of him, looking back I wished I had of said yes, but lacked courage.

My breakthrough came when I met my new boss, over a few years he became my best friend and the first man in my life I felt I could trust, and I eventually married his son although my experiences did not help my relationship, it put a lot of pressure on it at the beginning and it took a long time before I could kiss him let alone anything else, and at the time he did not know why.

My step father became increasingly ill and one day after he had a heart attack, my mother was told he only had a few days to live. He died two days later at home, my mother made me hold his hand and I felt the coldness enter his body like a wave, then he was gone. I could not cry and I felt empty, I did not know whether I was happy, relieved, sad, angry, I think I felt all of them.

It was a few months after his death that I finally told my boss, I think he knew something was not right as I did not greive, but he was still shocked. His wife was in the nursing proffesion and knew of a ladies counsellors who help in all sorts of things. I decided to go.

It was the best decision I have ever made, it was hard at first telling all the intimate details but it got easier and talking to a stranger makes it so much simpler as you never have to see them again. I had five months of counselling going once a week, and I will never look back. She explained that you see things as an adult and cannot understand why these things happen, therefor you blame yourself. This for me was very true, as I thought going along with things made me a party to it.

My marraige ended after he had an affair and I found a lot of things did re-surface from my past, I had a fear of trusting a new partner again not only with me but with my daughter too and trying to re-build my life and I needed a little more counselling to help me deal with that, which again did help.

My relationship with my mother ended because she found out and did not believe me, I no longer have any contact with her family either. I often wonder if she knew already, I guess I will never know.

I have since found my real dad and started to see him regularly, which I am so pleased about. And I have a beautifull daughter who is my absolute world, and god help anyone who hurts her.

The advice I would give anyone reading this that has suffered at the hands of others is to get the help you need, I know it is a hard step to take but it is so worth it. It helps sort your life out and stop thinking you are to blame.
I know the problem will always be there but you do find a place for it, and now when I think of it, it does not seem as real, more like a very bad dream.
If you do not want to talk face to face then try the samaritans and talk over the phone if you find it easier, there are so many ways to get help.

With the help of others it really does get better.

I hope this helps.

Summary: talk it over