Member Name: duncantorr
Date: 20/12/12, updated on 21/12/12 (226 review reads)
Advantages: "With a sleigh full of toys..."
Disadvantages: "...and St Nicholas too."
Like Santa's little helpers in this seasonal tale, words aren't always the obedient servants we would wish them to be. Sometimes, they take on a will of their own and gallop away in their own chosen direction like rebellious reindeer. When this happens, especially in verse, one really has no choice but to leave one's own opinions behind and follow where they lead, as I did in this case.
'Twas the night before Christmas, and what have we here?
Not a creature was stirring, no, not the reindeer,
And therefore not me, who you know of as Santa
(I'll have heard it before, so just spare me the banter).
The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow
Gave a perfect excuse for the team not to go
Out delivering in such 'unacceptable' weather:
"One slip and we'll all come a cropper together."
"Just think what might happen if our harness froze,"
Said the ring-leader (politics red as his nose),
But the rest were all nodding - he'd got them onside -
And I knew, once committed, they wouldn't backslide.
And the packers and loaders had all gone on strike
Before risking their elf and their safety alike;
I reckon the blighters were having a laugh,
They'd be ready to work given time-and-a-half.
But I'd had enough, and I told 'em to shove it,
(The look on their faces, you'd just gotta love it)
"Sod this for a game of military men;
You've all had your chance and it won't come again."
"I don't give a stuff if you threaten and shout;
The new rule round here is: one strike and you're out.
Well you've just had your strike and you're having no more,
So step over here and I'll show you the door."
"You can call me a bastard, a shit, a c...vagina,
But I've made up my mind, I'm outsourcing to China.
They'll churn out the pressies for pennies, those chinks,
While I just laze back and enjoy forty winks."
"Deliveries? The contract's now with DHL,
They baulked at the chimneys; I said 'What the hell,
Dump the stuff in the doorway or just leave a note,
Saying 'Collect from the Depot however remote.' "
"I don't care if the parents decide that it's shocking
Or the kids are unhappy there's nought in their stocking;
If the punters don't like it, let 'em phone to complain,
I've a premium-rate line that will drive them insane..."
"...introductory music, a lengthy preamble;
The script? Let's just say that it doesn't half ramble
Before they press buttons for options galore -
Only then can they speak to (guess where) Bangalore."
My eyes - how they twinkled! My dimples how merry!
Quite soon they'd be gone and I'd start on the sherry;
They showed no sign of shifting but what did I care?
I'd call in Security, give them a scare.
But just as I started to reach for my whistle
I heard a voice soft as the down of a thistle:
"Not so fast, Mr Santa," 'Twas Rudolf who spoke.
"And listen up sharp, for this isn't a joke."
"To the brand-name of Santa you may have the right,
But your hold on the rest of the business is shite;
We've registered Christmas and NoŽl and Yule
(And Thanksgiving and Easter and - yes! - April Fool)."
"We're the Christmas Co-operative. You'd better learn soon
We'll be paying the piper and calling the tune;
We'll have flexible working and full profit share
With a workers' committee to see that it's fair."
"So blow on your whistle, we couldn't care less:
The security men know you've signed G4S,
They feel you've taken them all for a ride,
And their jobs would be gone if they stayed on your side."
"So chew upon that, but get out of our way;
We've gifts to deliver - it's nigh Christmas Day.
Now Dasher, now Dancer, now Prancer and Vixen
We've got to get started, the schedule needs fixin'.
As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky,
So out of the warehouse the coursers they flew,
With the sleigh full of toys, and what could I do...
...except stand there and give them a shake of my fist?
I was mightily '...off' in addition to 'pissed...'
When I heard them exclaim as they drove out of sight:
"It's Happy Christmas to all when the workers unite."
© Also published under the name torr on Ciao UK2012 (with apologies to Clement C Moore)
Summary: Trouble at t'Lapland Mill