UPDATED (Christmas TV)

Member Name: pje

Product:	Christmas TV
Date:	29/11/01 (369 review reads)
Rating:

Advantages: No Noel Edmonds

Disadvantages: Same old stuff.

In the good old days ('during the war...') Christmas television was special. The schedules were completely cleared and all the regular programmes were replaced by Christmassy specials. Not now though. For the last ten years or so, soap operas have slowly strangled the life out of prime time. In Australia they take their soaps off air for a few weeks over Christmas - jammy bleeders. The question is, will the downward trend of yuletide telly continue? And the answer is: yes, it's all much of a muchness again...

The Beeb are sitting pretty though. As well as Only Fools and Horses,
they have three big films new to those of us without dishes and stuff:-
Toy Story on Christmas afternoon, Shakespeare In Love (New Year's Day) and The Truman Show (Sunday 30th). I'll certainly tune in for one of those. (Clue: I can live without Tom Hanks and Jim Carrey.) ITV's Christmas starts promisingly with Harry Hill's TV Burp on Saturday marking his ITV debut - something funny on ITV? What are the chances of that happening?
But apart from that and their new Dickensianishy spin-off drama Micawber (starring David Jason) they haven't made much of an effort - you'll get extended epidsodes of Emmerdale and Coronation Street and lump it.
Unbelievably, there don't appear to be ANY new films in ITV's schedules
at all. They're even shown up by BBC2 who have acquired a trio of quality terrestrial premieres:- Pleasantville, Good Will Hunting, & Meet Joe Black.

BBC2 also have their usual Christmas mixture of a Fast Show night, some old films (It's White Christmas, instead of It's A Wonderful Life this year, and the Marx Brothers make way for Laurel & Hardy) and some Marilyn Monroe movies. They don't have the Royal Institution Christmas Lectures any more (Channel 4 nabbed those last year) instead they'll be repeating Michael Palin's Around The World In 80 Days and Pole To Pole. Rumour has it tha
t Michael Palin hasn't been on the telly for a while because he's been trying to travel from Land's End to John O'Groats on public transport!
BBC2 will also air some long lost episodes of Dad's Army on Friday 28th.

As usual Channel Four will broadcast an alternative Christmas message, this year it will be delivered by a survivor from the World Trade Centre.
Other highlights include The 100 Greatest TV Treats of the Year on Saturday 29th, and a new Heroes of Comedy tribute - to the wonderful Leonard Rossiter on Thursday 27th. And about time too. As for Channel 5 - you don't really care do you? Suffice it to say that Home and Away and Family Affairs will carry on as usual, even on Christmas Day.

There's no sign of the Wizard of Oz, and it's Mary Poppins' turn this year instead of The Sound of Music. Other old chestnuts include:- Dr. Dolittle, Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, The King and I, Zulu, Jason and the Argonauts and Fiddler on the Roof. Ah yes, Christmas television certainly puts the
z's into déjà vu, doesn't it? There are also an uncountable number
of documentaries about J.K.Rowling, and every possible variation
of A Christmas Carol/Scrooge(d) too, of course.


CHRISTMAS EVE
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Don't worry if you haven't done your Christmas shopping yet, leave it till the last minute, then you won't be faced with the choice of Mary Poppins or Zulu, and if you get caught up in the crowds, you'll miss Flubber too!
But make sure you don't miss the last in the current series of I'm Sorry
I Haven't A Clue at 6:30pm on Radio Four (repeated on Sunday at Noon.)

BBC1 are offering us a Christmas edition of Parkinson (with Lenny Henry, Robbie Williams, Geri Halliwell, and Dame Edna Everage.) Channel Four have Christmas specials of Trigger Happy TV and Banzai! While ITV's
90-minute special: Christmas Glory from New York could b
e quite poignant.

CHRISTMAS DAY
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The traditional juxtaposition of Top of the Pops and the Queen's Speech on Christmas afternoon is broken this year by the unfathomably named
'Hamilton Mattress' an animated tale of an aardvark with low self-esteem. [Insert corny old Christmas cracker joke here...]

Rolf Harris takes over Noel Edmonds' schmaltzy Santa role after Her Maj, while ITV have decided to be ironic and screen The Great Escape. If you want more, MORE??? consider yourself watching Oliver! on Channel Four and stay tuned for the Countdown final, but if you do you'll miss Toy Story and the first visit to Albert Square on BBC1. I think I must be getting old, because I'll be tuning in to Radio Four again at 4pm for Rumpole and the Old Familiar Faces.

I can't imagine who BBC2 are expecting will watch their bizarre afternoon
of ballet, interrupted by The Simpsons, and followed by The Weakest Link, but they do redeem themselves by showing White Christmas. I might just watch that one year.

At 6:25, a battle of the sexes may break out, as two hours of soap on ITV clash with the first part of the Beeb's dinosaur adventure The Lost World. But by 9pm we'll all be watching the return of the Trotters in Only Fools and Horses. Cushti. Then can I tempt you with a celebrity edition of Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? Oh go on, it is only a waffer thin programme...

If you want to know what greater spotted teenagers have been listening to in their bedrooms over the last twelve months, John Peel's Festive Fifty countdown begins tonight on Radio One, building to a climax on Thursday.


BOXING DAY
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In the past, Boxing Day was a video recorder's worst nightmare, but this year I reckon those fancy new DVD players will be shouldering the burden of home entertainment. Along with yesterday's cold turkey, you can watch another animated film
(Antz) followed by The Lost World (part 2) on BBC1, The Weakest Link again on BBC2, and the celebrity Millionaire continues on ITV. But I'm afraid you won't find me dooyooing between 9pm & 11pm, as I'll be glued in to the new feature-length Jonathan Creek mystery.


NEW YEAR'S EVE
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Tut! You wait all year for a film of a Roald Dahl book, and then two come
at once. The Beeb plan a Dahl double bill, with James and the Giant Peach and Matilda. Now before you go out to get pished and swim in a fountain, don't forget to set the video for Bremner, Bird and Fortune on Channel Four and the Have I Got News For You Review of the Year on BBC1.


NEW YEAR'S DAY
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Traditionally, January 1st for me always begins with The New Year's Day Concert from Vienna. I listen to it in the bath every year (whether I need one or not!) Conducting The Blue Danube is usually the highlight of a very dull day, but then again, as the Chinese will tell you, it's better than living in interesting times.

How the Beeb expect people to choose between Chitty Chitty Bang Bang and the repeat of Jools Holland's Hootenanny this afternoon I don't know.
But ITV's pantomime Dick Whittington (with Richard Wilson as the dame, and Paul Merton as er, someone funny) will be compulsive viewing at 5:30.
All together now... Oh no it won't! If you don't fancy Shakespeare In Love or Corrie there's always I Love The 100 Best Top 10 Lists of the Fast Show Ever! tonight on BBC2, or an unusual selection of music on Channel Five:- Britney Spears, Iron Maiden and John Lennon! They may have no viewers, but they are trying, bless 'em. And they did get one thing right in 2001 - they produced my favourite new programme of the year: The Mole.

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| Other Christmas television opinions are available... |
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| Have a very MERRY CHRISTMAS and a HAPPY NEW YEAR! |
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