KarenUK and the Runaway Murderous Teddy Bear Theory... (Conspiracy Theories)

Member Name: karenuk

Product:	Conspiracy Theories
Date:	05/11/02 (152 review reads)
Rating:

Advantages: She came..., She saw..., She laughed a lot...

Disadvantages: She drank a lot of tea...

“…And so it was that KarenUK died in November 2069, a few weeks past her 100th birthday. Her final achievement was to have just achieved a gold dot on Ciao. Her final message in an email to her best friend, Allie (104) was “Premium Fund in. Still never had a bloody diamond!”

KarenUK died alone at home, after her husband recently ran off with Amanda Holden at the age of 94. Her body was found by Allie when she whizzed round the corner in her electric wheelchair to see how she was. Two days without KarenUK posting an op always made Allie suspicious.

The circumstances surrounding KarenUK’s death are rather mysterious. The police and Self-Important Crime Squad are investigating several conspiracy theories, as detailed below.

a) The Beanies Dunnit!

Could she have been asphyxiated by her cuddly toy collection? Had her bedroom shelves fallen down, so she was suffocated by her 3500 TY beanies? Some of those teddies can be evil, you know and conspiracy theorists reckon ’97 Holiday Bear has since been seen running round the streets of Bristol in a jubilant mood. Had he finally got sick of spending 70 years with his nose up the backside of the blissfully happy Mr and Mrs bears? Did they fall or were they pushed?

b) Destroyed by Lust – er – Lush!

Another theory that has graced the tabloids this week has been the Lush one. Was she finally suffocated by the 3000 bars of Lush soap she had around her house? Or was she slain in her bedroom by the Trichomania bar? Did the wonderfully intense smell of thousands of Lush products finally consume her, in a way so many men had warned her would happen? We may never know.

c) Laughed? I Nearly Died!

Another theory is that she died while watching her huge collection of Carry On videos and tapes of 1970s British sitcoms. In her later years, she had been forced to only watch these under supervision, as her raucous guffawing ha
d been known to give her breathing problems. Some do say that after her death, voices could still be heard from the empty house wailing ‘Infamy! Infamy! They’ve all got it in for me!’ accompanied by a coarse, dirty male laugh and a series of very camp ‘Ooh Matron!’s.

d) Chap With Wings, Five Rounds Rapid!

The final theory is that when the time came, the Doctor just couldn’t save her. You know how it is, you put your faith in one man and hope he will be there when you need him. The police have brushed off witness reports of seven foot tall silver men muttering ‘Excellent’ marching down Tenth Planet Avenue in Bristol, while others in the vicinity swear they heard a strange wheezing and groaning sound, accompanied by a Scots drawl murmuring ‘Damn! Late again.’ The Metropolitan police have also denied knowledge of the whereabouts of a blue Police box, referring the matter back to the BBC, angrily mumbling about ‘breach of copyright'.

But moving on from the circumstances of her death, what of her life? Well, besides her 13,850 opinions on Ciao, she also wrote 600 on Dooyoo and a further 2,000 on the new F***Yoo site. (Following the collapse of Dooyoo in 2003, the Opinion Writer’s Revolutionary movement - led by Jill Murphy – created this new site, where writers were paid £1 per read and crowns were worth £20. Unfortunately, following Jill’s relocation to Germany in 2005 and the notorious Re-Design of ’06, the situation deteriorated.)

But KarenUK’s writing was not solely web-based, even if her social life was. She published her best-selling novel in 2004, which was controversially followed by two years fighting legal proceedings by her ex-husbands.

After this, she found inspiration much harder and it was in this period, she produced her dark poetry collections entitled ‘If I Write It In Verse, It Can Be Much Worse’ a
nd ‘Ex-Husbands - DIE DIE DIE’. This was later followed by a ‘How To’ guide on Writer’s Block, then a ten-year gap before her next book, a colourful and honest autobiography entitled ‘Ex-Relationships – BI BI BI’ although many found the pull-out sealed middle section too erotic.

Besides her love for her husband, her friends, her hobbies and her writing – though not necessarily in that order – she also loved animals and her family.

Her beloved dog, Katy, died in 2062 aged 60 and since then, she filled her home with 300 rescued animals of all shapes and sizes. In fact, Allie had to sit on the llama before the police could get in.

The inspector was also rather startled by the three bats which encircled his head, believing them to be a bad omen – but Allie explained it was only KarenUK’s pet bats – Happy, Snappy and Crappy, so-called because of their respective pleasant nature, penchant for biting and unsavoury toilet habits.

KarenUK is survived by her four children, who are all leading healthy, happy lives.

Leigh-Ann (79) is still in demand for modelling work after her careers have included teaching, working with animals and hormonal door slamming. We asked her for some more details, but she refused to be interviewed before getting her make up done. We will let you know if we hear from her before next year.

Dominyk (77) became famous as the eleventh actor to play Dr. Who, after winning the Lottery and bringing the much-loved series back to Saturday night telly. After his three-year stint in the role, he regenerated into Will Young who, of course, is the first openly gay Doctor. Dominyk is now busy producing the new Blake’s Seven film.

Emilia (76) had a brief brush with fame starring as Annie in the West End when she was 12, followed by a number one single ‘I’m So Cute, It’s Scary’ as the lead sing
er of Mila and the Mousettes. Retiring from showbiz at 13, she finished her education, got married at 20 and lives in a huge house with her ten sets of twin daughters (all named after famous gymnasts), her 101 Dalmatians and her husband, ex-footballer, Michael Owen.

Viktoria (73) is the leader of the We’re Doing This MY Way Party, who came from nowhere to form the Opposition Party in the 2026 General Election, following the Conservatives poor 5th place finish. Her policies include constant 24-hour screening of CBeebies, minimum 8pm bedtimes, regulation flowery boots to be worn at all times and hair brushing to become illegal, although her championing of the new blood-sport of Brother-Hunting is a controversial one. She is still doing things HER way.

KarenUK
23.10.1969 - 05.11.2069

As requested, her body has been laid to rest with tea-making facilities and a freezer full of Haagen-Dazs. Just in case.”

NOTE : Another conspiracy theory going around is that this opinion is really a 'humorous eulogy' written for Ciao, but posted to Dooyoo to save up for an Amazon voucher to buy her little sister a Christmas present, but I couldn't possibly comment ;-)

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