If He'd Hit Me - Would I Have Realised Sooner? (Domestic Violence)

Member Name: Silverwillow

Product:	Domestic Violence
Date:	30/01/09 (102 review reads)
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I wish he'd hit me. Why? If he'd hit me I'd have walked away there and then. I would have seen him for the abusive b*stard that he is.

I met B when living under the big city lights. I was confident, successful and enjoying life as just me. Things moved quickly between us and I fell fast and hard, it was only when I landed that I noticed the scars.

I never noticed that he'd made me choose between my best friend (and flatmate) and him until years later. He'd point out sarcastic comments my friend had made (that usually I'd have laughed at as that's the kind of person my friend was, funny and cheeky) but said that they had hurt him, they'd picked at a sore spot he'd had since he was young. That's where it started; I spent less and less time in the life I'd been truly happy with and more time with B.

He was offered a job up north and his boss had offered me a position in the office too. Being totally besotted and him telling me about the opportunities, the excitement, the perfect life I was too blinded to question anything and off we went.

Well it didn't work out. We spent 3 months up there, months where it had just been him and I, no contact with my previous active social life. He made sure that the arguments with my family weren't resolved so that I wouldn't disappear home for visits. I had nowhere to go.

It was when we returned to the city that things got bad. He'd had me to himself for 3 months and he was not happy at my attempts to relight my friendships. It started subtly at first with little comments like "you're not wearing that out are you?" or "watch it with those chips, you'll have an elephants ass soon" but because he laughed after it I thought it was all in jest. Soon the comments got harsher and should I want to go anywhere without him he'd not speak to me for hours before hand but bombard my phone with messages when I was out. When I'd return home it was like walking into the inquisition. It got to the point where I would make excuses to my friends about why I couldn't meet them because I dreaded his reactions, they soon stop phoning to invite me.

From there it progressively got worse, if dinner wasn't ready I'd be every name under the sun, before he'd cuddle me in to tell me that it was my fault he got angry and I should know that he liked things done right, but it was okay he'd forgiven me. Sex was his main weapon against me and God help me should I not want to reciprocate, the verbal and mental abuse would last days. He'd go through my phone and delete messages, open my post, check my emails/Bebo pages. He had every control.

I was broken. It's only now when I look back how broken I was. I was scarily thin, frightened to eat and apart from going to work my life was non-existent.

One night after visiting his mum, who spent the whole night complaining about B's dad and the divorce, told me that she was glad her son wasn't the controlling, mentally abusive partner like his dad was. It was as if someone had opened the curtains and let the light in.

The next day I told him that we needed a break, I did it in front of my best friend who had known what was going on but you don't listen, you have to see it for yourself. He lost it, screaming abuse at me, threatening my life and the flat. He threw his stuff into his mothers car still screaming. I had no intention of ever letting him back into the flat and had the locks promptly changed. I was terrified.

I decided it was time to move back to my hometown and pick up the pieces of my life in the safety of home and my family. I wasn't the confident, bubbly lass I was when I left, I was withdrawn, scared and terrified that he would come and find me. My friends were amazing and gently they got me back to my old self, it took a lot of coaxing and getting over a lot of panic attacks to do so.

Only now, looking back on it all, can I see that it was abuse. Because he had never hit me I'd never thought for a second that his behaviour was abusive. This is by no means an extensive list of the sh*t that man put me through and I don't think I will ever be able to talk about the full extent of it, that's deeply buried. My husband knows what went on and has helped sort the little pieces that my friends couldn't. I don't know how I could have done it without him. I have my happy ending.

I've wrote this because I can't bear to think that any other woman (or man) is in the situation I was, and that they haven't seen it as abuse because they don't have any bruises on the skin! There are ways and means to escape the horrible cycle that is abuse and I beg you to take them should you find yourself in any sort of abusive relationship.

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