The Emotional Abuser (Domestic Violence)

Member Name: Shazzy

Product:	Domestic Violence
Date:	15/11/01 (1294 review reads)
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Like far too many, I have a story of domestic violence. I won’t tell you the story though - there are enough personal accounts of domestic violence here already and mine is much the same as theirs and I don’t want any pity. Pity just magnifies the feeling of being a victim. I’m not a victim. My ex is the victim. A victim of his own abuse. He lost his family, his home and his self respect. I’m the victor. No matter how hard he tried, he didn’t win.

We’re constantly warned of the dangers of violence that lurk on our streets. Stick to brightly lit areas, walk confidently, check inside your car before getting in, etc. But the fact of the matter is, a woman is at a far greater risk of violence in the home, than on the streets. Domestic violence accounts for almost a quarter of ALL violent crimes but is the crime that’s least likely to be reported to the police.

Domestic violence, as defined by the home office, is “controlling behaviour that includes all kinds of physical, sexual and emotional abuse within all kinds of intimate relationships”.

It can happen to anybody, and although women are far more likely than men to be on the receiving end of domestic violence, there are also cases where women abuse men. Domestic violence is also relatively common in same sex relationships.

There are no social boundaries to domestic violence. It happens to people belonging to all classes, at any age, and of any race.

The most obvious form of domestic violence is physical. A woman (I’ll presume the victim is a woman for the sake of this op, as they are the most common) who is bruised and battered is more likely to understand that she really is being abused. Those who are suffering under the minds of an emotional abuser are often in a far more difficult situation to understand.

Emotional abusers are insidious and manipulative. They are often highly intelligent, but
unable to use their intelligence in a constructive way. The abuse will most likely be intertwined with acts of affection. He’s just trying to help you see your problems, so that you can be a better person. He doesn’t like you being with your friends because they’re using you and you deserve better. He controls the finances because you have enough burdens with the home and children. He doesn’t like you to wear those clothes because you’re so much more attractive in those of his choosing (and you do want to be attractive for HIM don’t you?). He doesn’t see any reason why you should take driving lessons as he enjoys taking you places. It gives him a chance to be with you more often. And after all, if you really loved him……

These things can creep up on you without you even noticing. It all sounds so reasonable. He argues his points very well.

He’ll probably put you on a pedestal. He’ll tell you that you’re the only thing that means anything to him. That you are his whole life. That you are the only person who can make him happy. He wants nothing other than to be with you. That’s a hell of a responsibility for anybody to bear, and highly unrealistic.

As the abuser gradually gains more control over his victim, he’ll move on to the next stage. He needs to pick at your self confidence to gain the control he wants. Again, they’re clever.

You come home after a visit to the hairdresser. “Hi darling. Your hair looks nice. Your nose seems to look bigger now though, but don’t worry, I love you”.

A guy at a party flirts with you. “I’m quite proud to think that somebody else thinks you’re as sexy as I do. You don’t have to act like a tart to prove yourself though”.

And so he continues. Not necessarily those scenarios, but the approach is one that many emotional abusers use. He didn’t ME
AN to upset you! What’s the matter with you? He can’t say anything without upsetting you any more! It was a joke for lord’s sake!

Notice how SHE is the one with the problem. Poor guy, he can’t do anything right anymore.

I’m not saying that anybody who ever says anything along those lines is an emotional abuser. We all say things that hurt at times, without realising that we’re doing it. But once we know that something hurts another person, we learn and we stop. Emotional abusers don’t. They won’t use the same situation again, but they’ll regularly make “mistakes” and feign innocence. A person who truly loves you will be a part of what makes you feel good about yourself and your life. They’ll support you in your beliefs and needs, happy to meet you half way on issues where you differ. If a person is making you feel unhappy, they should have no place in your life.

Now that the abuser has knocked your confidence for six, he’ll probably become more obvious. When you make a mistake he’ll tell you you’re a daft bitch, or words to that effect. At this point, if he’s physically abusive too, he might give you slap or two so that there’s no doubt that you know just how stupid and worthless you are.

But he isn’t to blame is he? If you’d only have listened to him when he tried to help you, things wouldn’t have gone wrong and he wouldn’t have lost his temper.

Living with an abusive partner can be like be on an emotional roller coaster. The bad days are often intermingled with days where everything is marvellous. You laugh together and he gives you more attention than you’ve ever had before. When it’s good, it’s really good, but when it’s bad, watch out!

Abusers will never be satisfied, no matter what you do. If you try to dress well, he’ll tell you that you waste too muc
h money on clothes. If you don’t, he’ll tell you that you never bother to make the effort to look good for him anymore. If you laugh and enjoy the company of his friends, he’ll tell you you’re flirting with them, or invading his personal time with them. If you don’t, he’ll tell you you’re being rude. It’s a no win situation. By being yourself, you’re doing nothing wrong. HE is the one with no respect, and he certainly doesn’t love you. He may be obsessed by you, but obsession is NOT love.

Emotional abusers are jealous and possessive. They have an immense need to be in control. They cannot deal with any situation that isn’t controlled by themselves and will stop at nothing to gain and maintain that control. They are dangerous. At worse, they can kill. Many have. Every week, two women are killed by their current or former partners!

In social situations they will often be resentful if you are getting more attention than they are. They’ll often punish you by either leaving the event early, without informing you, insisting that you both leave early, or acting sweet until you’re alone, and then letting you know exactly how they felt about your behaviour. Being open and friendly towards anybody other than those of his choosing isn’t acceptable.

If you’re strong, and fight back, they’ll find other ways of hurting you. The most common is through other people. Probably your children. Especially if they’re his stepchildren. They are easy prey, and he knows that when they’re hurting, you’re hurting too. This happened to me, and whereas I can accept that I allowed myself to be hurt, I find it very difficult to accept that I allowed my children to be hurt. I had a choice. I could’ve got out. They had no choice. They were dependent on me to make decisions based on what’s best for their welfare. I screwed up!

If you beli
eve that your partner is being emotionally abusive towards you, regardless of how much he tries to convince you that you are over-reacting, get out of there. Don’t hang around to see if you were right. Trust your gut instincts. If a stranger grabbed your arm in the street, you wouldn’t just stand there waiting to see if he was about to rape you, would you? You’d pull away and get the hell out of there. Why wait around to see if somebody is going to pull your mind to pieces? If you’re not entirely comfortable with your partner, then something is wrong and you must address the problem. If you feel afraid of your partner, get out! NOW!

Easier said than done? I know. Where would you go? What would you live off of? How would you handle the kids on your own? Would he manage without you (poor thing, you’re his whole life, after all).

Let’s address each of those questions individually.

1. Where would you go?
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If you have no friends or family that can offer you somewhere to stay, contact the Women’s Aid Refuge and Advice Service. Sometimes, family and friends can be afraid to take you in, fearing for the safety of their own family, should they become under threat from your partner. Women’s Aid has about 400 local refuge projects throughout England and Wales. All calls to the helpline are taken in strictest confidence. At any given time, about 7000 women and children are sheltering from domestic violence in refuges.

Women are at their greatest risk of physical danger at the point of separation. It’s important that you have a plan that will ensure your safety.

The Women’s Aid Helpline is open 24 hours a day. The number is 08457 023468

They also have a useful website at www.womensaid.org.uk

2. What would you live off of?
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Contact your local DSS as soon as you have left the relat
ionship. They will inform you of your entitlements. It’s also worthwhile contacting the Citizens Advice Bureau too, to be certain that you’re getting everything you can claim for and that your claim is being treated fairly and quickly. If you’re not in employment, or cannot continue with your current job due to your circumstances, you will receive income support to cover your basic needs. You can also claim housing/council tax benefit so that you can be certain your rent is being paid. Once in receipt of income support, your children may also be entitled to free school meals. In some areas, school uniforms are also paid for.

To help you get back on your feet, you can apply for a budgeting loan from the social fund (contact the DSS). You have to have been in receipt of income support for at least 26 weeks to apply for a budgeting loan, and the loan cannot exceed £1,000. It is intended to help you buy furniture, clothing, pay rent in advance, help with travelling expenses, paying for things to help you look for or start work, maintaining your home, or repaying debts that you took up to pay for any of the above. More information can be found on the DSS website at www.dss.gov.uk

There is no shame in receiving benefits. The welfare system is there to help people who are genuinely in need. Escaping a violent partner is a genuine need.

3. How would you handle the kids on your own?
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Your partner may have taken away your belief in your ability to care for your children. In most cases, there are no foundations in these beliefs. When you are feeling less anxious and generally happier, your children will stand a better chance of thriving. They may appear to hate you for taking them away from their father, and they may even believe that YOU are the one that was causing the problems, but with your love and patience, they will adjust and understand that you couldn’t continu
e to be unhappy and afraid.

If you feel you need help with your parenting abilities, contact social services. They aren’t going to leap in and take your children away from you. They deal with these cases every day and understand that you are being responsible by contacting them and admitting that you need help.

4. How will he manage without you?
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That isn’t your problem! He has made his own choices. You are in no way responsible for his happiness or wellbeing. He may threaten you with suicide, but again, that is not your responsibility. No matter how much he tells you that YOU made him so unhappy that he wants to die, HE is responsible for his life and the choices he makes. If you succumb to emotional blackmail, you will never find harmony in your life. You are responsible for your life, and the lives of your children, not his. He can live without you. If he chooses not to, that is his choice.

If you are the victim of serious physical abuse and fear for your security, you should call the police. If the threat is immediate, use 999, otherwise call your local police. Domestic violence is a crime. Don’t wait until it’s too late.

If you believe that a friend or relative is suffering from any kind of domestic violence, whether physical or emotional, please talk to her. She may deny it, but always ensure that she knows you are there for her. If you think the abuse may be serious, or effecting the children, call social services. You can do this anonymously. They’ll investigate the matter, and even if they cannot prove that anything untoward is happening, she will at least know that somebody has noticed. It may be what she needs to realise herself, exactly what is going on.

One in four women experience some form of domestic violence in their lives. It could be your sister, your best friend, your neighbour or your daughter. If the warning signs are there,
please don’t ignore them.


Useful links:

Women’s Aid – www.womensaid.org.uk
DSS – www.dss.gov.uk
The Home Office (domestic violence section) - www.homeoffice.gov.uk/domesticviolence
Shelter (for those facing a housing emergency) – www.shelter.org.uk
Domestic Violence Data Source - www.domesticviolencedata.org


Useful telephone numbers:

Women’s Aid Helpline - 08457 023468
DSS Public Enquiry Office – 020 7712 2171
Shelter – 0808 800 4444

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