It could never happen to me... (Domestic Violence)

Member Name: miriamb

Product:	Domestic Violence
Date:	08/07/02 (142 review reads)
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With so many opinions already in this category, and many of them sharing stories that are much more shocking than anything I have ever experienced, I wonder why I’m writing here at all. In all honesty I’ve been kinda inspired to write by talking with a number of friends, in the hope that maybe someone will read this while it’s on the new opinions list, and that maybe, just maybe, it will get to someone BEFORE they need it. I don’t have kids, I’ve never been married, I didn’t grow up in an abusive home, but I did live with a partner for several years who damaged me socially, financially, emotionally, mentally, and physically.

Now I’m not stupid, I’m no genius mind, but I’m not stupid. Sure I should have got out sooner, of course I should have asked for help, but the fact of the matter is that abusive relationships cripple every aspect of your life, and getting help and getting out can seem almost impossible options.

Why did I stay? Well, for a start, my partner succeeded in pretty much isolating me from all my friends and family. My friends were all tarts and sluts, he said, and he didn’t want to think of his beloved girlfriend like that. If I spent time with them, I was obviously going to be ‘putting it about’ and despite the fact that I knew this wasn’t true, in the end it became far too much effort to keep in touch with them. My family on the other hand was, apparently, snobby and didn’t like him – never mind the fact that whenever he saw them he was impossibly rude and obnoxious.

And yes, in retrospect, I should have walked out then. But I was 16 when I met and moved in with him, had problems of my own, was very vulnerable and was clinging I think to what he had been like when I first met him. He was charming, gentlemanly, kind, besotted. For the first time in a good few years I’d been put on a pedestal, and it felt wonderful. E
verything that I can now see that made the relationship abusive happened so gradually: kind comments interspersed with cruel ones, good moods with rages, affection with violence… It wasn’t as though one day he suddenly became a monster, it was far more subtle than that, and that’s why, I think, I let it happen.

I could sit here and list what he did to me, but I think you’ll find those stories elsewhere in this category, and I’m sure you can imagine anyway. As I said at the beginning, this opinion is meant to be preventative, rather than anything else – not to make you paranoid, just aware. Yes, there are good guys, and thank god they far outnumber the bad ones, but the bad ones sneak up on you when you're least expecting it, and then, before you’ve had time to realise the severity of the situation, you’re trapped in it. There seem to be several things that crop up so frequently in situations like this, this opinion is meant to point out those warning signs. Of course, this is in all likelihood far from comprehensive, but it’s a start, I hope.

First things first.

New relationships are great, you’re all gooey and loved up and everything’s well with the world. Especially when the new partner is absolutely devoted to you. And I’m not suggesting for a second that you’re not beautiful, wonderful, witty and kind, or that you haven’t got amazing eyes or a fascinating smile. But, as easy as it is to get swept away in the romance, there are some very early indicators. How does the new partner get on with your friends? How do they respond to your family? Are they trying to move things along unusually quickly, like moving in together, or seeing each other constantly? How do they feel if you can’t see them one evening because you’re going out with your mates? Or having a girlie night in?

If anything seems unusual, uncooperat
ive, jealous, or if there any friends (of either sex), venues, or even events that provoke an irrational and unjustified dislike, be cautious. And please don’t let his criticisms, whether he can explain them or not, colour your opinions of people. My partner was very good at subtle persuasion, his take on anything that my friends or family got up to supported his argument. Trust Your Own Judgement and Stick To Your Guns.

Once he’s started putting down the people in your life, it makes it much easier to alienate you from them. His insistence on doing things together can make it difficult for you to see people who he obviously doesn’t like. And although that inseparable period can be a common start to a relationship, it’s not really healthy if it means you don’t have a life of your own for weeks or even months. If you’re that important to him, he Will make the effort to get to know and get on with those who mean a lot to you. He Should want the person he initially fell for, not the one who sees nobody other than him and his friends. However insistent he is that he thinks the world of you, Don’t Lose Sight Of Who YOU Are.

Once you’ve become dependent on him for your social life, he will start chipping away at you. Your hair’s a bit long, you’re a bit fat, you’re not as clever as him, you embarrass him. Of course he’ll say it all in good faith, he’s just offering constructive criticism (according to him anyway), but it sets off this spiral of insecurity that slowly but surely knocks your self-confidence for six. Once you get to this stage it’s difficult to get out. Your sense of self-worth is diminishing at a rate of knots, you’re desperate to repair your ways and essentially to please him. And thus you’re in his trap. He’s made himself the centre of your world and the only person you can turn to – no wonder his opinion becomes
so much more important.

It’s about now that he might start slipping in the odd threat and letting you know about that knuckle-duster he has somewhere or that gun in his parent’s loft (in my case anyway). He gets obsessively jealous and doesn’t trust you, no matter what you say it doesn’t make any difference. And so the accusations start, and you can deny it all you want, but it really won’t be heard. And maybe he’ll get upset with you more than usual, the cleaning wasn’t done properly, or you were rude to one of his friends, or maybe you weren’t listening while he was talking to you. He may lose his temper, punch the wall, or give you a quick slap, but it’s not his fault, see, because he’s upset and You made him angry. Poor bloke, how can he get through to you without using violence?

In retrospect, this is where I start to pity my ex actually, because he showed his own insecurity and lack of self-belief, which is ultimately why he behaved as he did. He knew that I could have found someone else or just walked away (although I didn’t believe it then) and was terrified he wouldn’t have this creature to dominate and belittle. I say creature rather than person – that’s intentional, in case you were wondering: he doesn’t want a person, he wants a lap-dog. By putting you down and controlling your every move, he becomes powerful. His relationship with you may be the one thing in his life he can keep in check. I really do feel sorry for my ex now, even though I still get a lurch in my stomach on the very rare occasion I see him.

The final stage of my experience was doors being kicked down when I was hiding from his temper, being locked out of the flat if I was too late coming home from work, the phone being pulled out the socket if I was talking to anyone he didn’t know or like, oh, and the black eyes, burns, bruises, and violently forced s
ex. Thankfully, I never needed to go to hospital, unlike some, and I didn’t have to worry about what he might have done to the children because there weren’t any. Bizarrely, one of the factors that kept me in that situation was my pride, obviously I had none in the relationship, but I think I tried to over-compensate outside of it. I just didn’t want to ask for help, because by doing so I’d be admitting I was a victim. It’s odd how irrational you can become in some situations.

I eventually got out through a combination of good fortune, enduring friendship, and a realisation that this was not a situation that an 18 year old should find herself in. That realisation came through my 18th birthday; he went out with his friends, left me at home, came back in the early hours of the morning, violently forced himself on me, whilst telling me about this girl he’d been with all night. What a great guy, eh.


This is in no way meant to be comprehensive or even universal. It’s meant to point out how easily you can slip into an abusive relationship, and how that perfect, adoring guy that made you so happy can, with time, make you anything but.

To sum up, I guess I would say that None of the treatment above is Normal. None should be tolerated, and the longer you leave it, the harder it will be remove yourself from the situation. This isn’t an unique example, sadly, domestic violence Can and Does happen (just browse through the other 80-odd opinions in this category), and trust me, you don’t want it to happen to you. There’s no shame in asking for help, and at the end of the day, You should be the most important person in Your life. Take action before the rot sets in, and take care.


By the way, I haven't written at all about either male victims of female violence or refuges - this isn't for any reason other than I know nothing at all about them. I'm
simply not qualified to pass comment and I didn't want to clutter this opinion with discussing something I have no knowledge or experience of. Sorry.


Oh, and just for Dooyoo - Would I recommend it to a friend? Um, no, I don't think so.

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