That Kind Of Girl (Domestic Violence)

Member Name: kittykat18

Product:	Domestic Violence
Date:	25/08/02 (176 review reads)
Rating:

Advantages: Can *you* think of any?

Disadvantages: Loss of self esteem, hurts so much

In a Birmingham suburb, a young girl lies sleeping on a sofa. She wakes up, her body aching, her eyes puffy and is confused about where she is. Then the events of last night come rushing back.

He went out after work. Turned his phone off. She didn't mind that he had gone out, but why couldn't he just phone and say, instead of being so childish? He finally came home about 1 and went straight to bed not even saying anything. In a fit of frustration and anger at his lack of explanation, she grabbed a glass of water from the bedside table and threw it over him. And instantly regretted it as he leapt up, chased her, kicked her, punched her. Not just once, which would have been a forgivable lashing out, but repeatedly, even when she was lying on the floor unable to move, calling her a "stupid bitch" and telling her that tomorrow she was out. When he had finally left her there, she lay still for a long time. What had happened to the man who loved her? When had their flat changed from being their home to being a miserable place full of shouting, accusations and fear?

She hadn't known what to do. She turned to her computer, one of her only lifelines. She went to the youth community of which she was a member and posted this message:

"hello. i just had a big row with my bf and he hit me lots and just left me on the floor and says tomorrow he wants me out. I have nowhere to go, my mum and dad don't really get on with me and have given my old room to someone else and i dont really have any mates or othe family i can stay with
please help me guys i am desperate what shall i do"

After receiving a few well meaning and sensible, concerned replies, she had grabbed a few things into a bag and ordered a taxi to take her to a friends, where she had stayed.

She gets up slowly, wincing from the pain in her right leg. In the bathroom she tries to avoid her reflection. She hates what she sees. Two years ag
o she saw a reasonably attractive, happy young face. Now she sees a tired, miserable looking face. He has done this to her- or maybe it's all her fault, she shouldn't nag him, she should appreciate everything he does and be grateful.

Now what did she do? She didn't have anywhere to go. There was no family she could stay with, and although this friend said she could stay on his sofa till she sorted herself out, she had dismissed his kind offer.

This man was the most important thing in her life, her home, her best friend, the only affection in her life came from him, and she couldn't imagine being without him. She knew she shouldn't go back, but she couldn?t just throw away everything they had. A home, over 2 years together, they were even engaged. He had told her he had never felt this way about anyone before, that he would love her forever. How could she leave that? Maybe it would have been different if she had had somewhere to go, a good friend, some support, but as it was, she had nothing apart from him. So later that day she went back.

She went back to what turned out to be some of the worst months of her life. There was no love left, she kept trying but he didn't want to know. At nights she lay awake while he slept, crying because she felt so alone and awful. She didn't know what she had done to make him hate her so much. She hated herself. She was like a pet begging for the smallest sign of kindness, overly grateful for any scrap.

Things hadn't always been bad, of course. He had been so good to her. When she was ill, he brought her chocolates from the shop and made her hot drinks. When she was away, he spent hundreds of pounds on the phone just to hear her voice. Once he drove for 4 hours on a work night just to see her. He would have done anything for her. Those days felt like a long time ago.

Then there was the other extreme. He was like two different people and this other side o
f him terrified her. He had thrown a double bed on top of her, dragged her across a car park into the car, rubbed food into her face, kicked the door down when she locked herself in the bathroom and driven at 100mph around the streets with her in the car just to scare her. Recently she saw more and more of this side to him. Every room in the flat had a bad memory connected with his temper. Two doors had holes in where he had punched them. The lock on the toilet was broken after he had kicked the door in to get to her. That's how, over time, their place had gradually stopped being a home.

In case you hadn't already guessed, that girl is me. When I eventually broke up with my ex, the relationship had been dragged out to its bitter end. I should have left way back in April, I really regret that I wasn't strong enough to do that. I wish I had found it in myself to leave of my own accord. Instead I hung on till the end, hoping that maybe the man I loved would return, rather than the stranger who was there for the last few months. Instead I ended up feeling more humiliated, rejected and worthless than I thought possible.

It's so easy when it's somebody else, to say "If a man hit me, I would leave". It's not that easy. When you are feeling that low about yourself, you make excuses for his behaviour, you think that love will heal the hurt. It doesn't. You can never forget how it feels when he had all that power over you, you're lying on the floor feeling worthless and ugly. You feel as though you deserve that treatment, you drove him to it. It's not always weak, quiet women (like Little Mo off Eastenders, such stereotyping) who stay in abusive relationships. Anyone who knows me will say I am strong, can look after myself and am fairly confident, but it happened to me.

I wish I hadn't gone through all this, but at least if there is another time (I pray not), I know that the earlier you get out,
the better. Nobody deserves to be treated this way, and I am grateful for the fact that I am young and have my life ahead of me. I can't imagine how difficult it would be if you were in that situation with children. Not only does it make it more difficult to leave, but you have to look at your children and know that they have him in them.

I had thought I would spend my life with this man, I saw him as a part of my future, the father of my children, the person I was going to grow old with. After he was violent to me, that little picture I had in my head gradually started fading. How could I justify bringing children into this world fathered by someone like that? I had no respect for myself because I knew I was pathetic to stay with a man who treated me so badly.

As time passes, you can see things more clearly. When you are right in the middle of it, you know nothing apart from how you feel. It doesn't matter how many times people tell you should leave, that you are worth more, it won't get through unless you want it to. Your mind gets set in a way of thinking, you make excuses, you are desperate for things to go back to the way they are when you were happy. They won't. It's scary, lonely, and horrible to be alone after being in a relationship for a long time. But it's nowhere near as lonely as being afraid of the man who you share a bed with.

Summary: