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Requiem for a Dooyooer
Member Name: miwa
Date: 08/07/13, updated on 10/07/13 (134 review reads)
Advantages: 1,000,000 Amazon vouchers I don't need
Disadvantages: Loss of everything.
Imagine me now, in a comfortable if careworn rattan chair, an afghan* draped over my legs. There's a steaming porcelain cup (not mug) of chamomile tea at my elbow. I am wearing a knit cardigan. I am, for all intents and purposes, Jessica Fletcher**. So, in her caring yet authoritative tone, I'd like to introduce today's topic: something the kidz call "Dooyoo addiction".
Now, I'm sure addiction seems a hyperbolic term. After all, we can't put Dooyoo up our noses, at least not without some difficulty and probably not much pleasure. However, as Carl Jung said, "Every form of addiction is bad, no matter whether the narcotic be alcohol or morphine or idealism." ***
I am not easily addicted to things. I have only smoked one cigarette in my life, and afterwards, I invoked the buzzword of my generation to describe it: "meh". I am like a feral sheep: I sample things, I move on****. Thus my experience with DyA had a slow beginning. When I first signed up, I posted a few reviews, then promptly forgot about the site for a month. Obviously I persevered, and somewhere down the line, I got hooked. Probably when I discovered Level 1, to be honest.
3 Nigerian brides, 7 long lost uncles, 1 locked review (for saying, jokingly, that something was a "rip-off"), 1 email inquiring why I was rating so much, 1 relationship based on slime mold admiration, several long late-night conversations (including disparaging geology, various spellings of 'definitely', hentai, and bionic big toes), several friendships, 5 referrals and 100 reviews later, I am only now beginning to realise the agonising depths of my reliance on this site for both money and entertainment. Yes, entertainment - as soon as there is a particularly gruesome review, whether it be on the subject of Anusol/vaginal deodorant/crabs cream or the latest mobile (preferably in the most botched Romanian to English translation Google can provide) it is pasted around to others who, sadly, I have dragged down to my nefarious level. Though, I am also one of the hoards of gagging housewives, curious cretins and confused interior decorators who have now reviewed 50 Shades of Grey. On that day, my fall was complete.
To understand the pathology of what clinicians now call "the reviewer virus", one must first understand the symptoms.
Symptoms of the reviewer virus:
* The patient can't look at an object without immediately trying to describe it (preferably in 2,000 words or more);
* The patient shows distress when certain categories are not open for suggestion (never has a keyboard been beaten with such fury the day books and films weren't up for suggestion);
* The patient considers buying something just to review it (a form of megalomania);
* Conversely, but not exclusively, the patient cannot buy something without reading a review (hopefully of cotton ear buds).
* Strain injuries in the wrists and fingers (especially RSI from hitting VU);
* Bad posture from incorrect sitting positions;
* Poor eyesight from computing at low level light conditions, often late at night;
* Stress from Tuesdays often leads to the patient turning into a blueberry.
* House is often a mess as the patient tries in vain to find what they call a "level 1" item lurking in a cupboard or wardrobe;
* Patient has alienated friends, family and acquaintances by aggressively referring them to Dooyoo and insisting they write a review;
* Patient often cries out "I can review this!" several times a day;
* Patient often talks about things they write in reviews outside of the Internet ("What a nice Yankee candle." "Thanks - let me write the URL of my review down for you.")
* Patient now has no opinion about politics and religion, and is reluctant to mention people by name in any written media. This aspect of the disease is especially difficult for students, who often fill the void of self-righteousness by spiraling deeper into DY addiction. You can identify these tortured souls easily, as they are fond of starting every review with "As a student, I don't have very much money...".
* If patient is a student, cannot write an essay or editorial without posting an edited version on Dooyoo; sometimes this causes problems with "plagiarism" if the teacher checks their work online.
* If patient is at work, productivity will be low as the patient repeatedly switches tabs to read and rate at work. Mind is also on products they can review at work, such as pens, note paper, staplers, etc.
If you feel you or anyone else you know suffers from this affliction, don't hesitate to book an appointment with your GP or call this number: 01254 453873***** for free, confidential advice. Please print off this review and share it at hospitals, schools or simply push it through letter boxes as needed.
If necessary a man will come by with a van and forcibly take your computer away, though this does not necessarily alleviate the mental anguish that comes with reading and writing reviews on a daily basis. Please, think of your families and friends. Just say no.
If you are from the Daily Mail and want to write an article on me, please give me lots of money first. ©
* A shawl, not a citizen of Afghanistan; they've been through enough.
** In one of those episodes where she sits around talking about other murders that she didn't participate in a.k.a. the dullest episodes in the series.
*** Couldn't choose between this quote to Paul Coelho's, "MySpace is an addiction." Wise words, circa 2005.
**** Hopefully that is where my likeness to sheep both begins and ends.
***** No pervs - yes, by that I mean you!******
****** Not actually my number, no, I don't trust you. It's a disconnected one.
Are you happy now? I've bared my soul and all its wounds for 1p a read.
Summary: Just say no.