The Future Is In Your Paws (Drugs in Sport (Doping))

Member Name: FORCHARITY

Product:	Drugs in Sport (Doping)
Date:	13/09/02 (460 review reads)
Rating:

Advantages: X

Disadvantages: Y

I believe that not only should there be MORE drugs in sport, we should go
that one step further and allow genetic and surgical enhancements, so that
we can manufacture perfect sportsmen.

Imagine a day when the rules say "anything goes" how much more
entertaining
would that be from the spectator's point of view.

Cricket Report
***********
At Lords today, Mike Ricketbatt caught out the whole of the Indian Team
within the first three overs. This was Mikes first international since his
recent injection course using a drug derived from the blood of German
Shepherds. The Indians did formally enter a complaint due to the build up
of spit on the ball as Ricketbatt continued to catch the ball in his mouth
and deliver it expectantly to the batter he had just caught.

Even when the Indian Captain tried to score a run, Ricketbatt, still
suffering minor side effects brought the surprised captain down quickly
but efficiently by his arm. The officials finally had no choice but to ban him
for three matches following something described as "unnecessary licking of
the balls".

High Jump
********
It was a historical day for high jump fans everywhere today as the
successful cloning between a human and a household flea took to the
international stage at the commonwealth games. Steve Ucker, turned out
for Scotland in what was to be hopefully a shattering of the World Record
since a flea can jump around 130 times its own height.

Tragedy struck, as 6ft Ucker jumped almost 800 feet in the air and came
down like a stone. As he landed, he shattered every bone in his body and
proceeded to suck up all the blood that poured from his multiple wounds.

He swelled up to 4 times his original size and then expired.

200m
****
Ireland won gold when their entrant Leo Pard, broke the world record once
again to set a time of 5.91 s
econds. Pard, who six months ago had the hind
legs of a Cheetah grafted onto him, beat his UK rival, Grahame Howned into
the Silver Medal spot by just a hundredth of a second.

Howned, who has undergone genetic modification using the DNA of a racing
dog unexpectedly, broke his nose on the gold medalist's behind when Pard
stopped suddenly after the race. Despite a broken nose, Howned continued to sniff
for some time before officials separated them after he congratulated the nervous looking Pard by humping his leg.

Football
*******
Manchester United were European Cup Winners today after a last minute goal
by new signing Don Quay. Quay who has the right leg of an Ass didn't see
the goal go in as he was facing the opposite direction when he struck the
winner with the sole of his boot.

A typical Mancunian at heart, Quay was quoted as braying later "Eee Arrr,
mate, wuz a good goal innit?"

Swimming
*********
The national championships, 400m freestyle, turned into a blood bath as
John Aws, the man you may remember who was cloned using the cross DNA of a
Great White Shark and Human, may have discovered some strange side effects. He
calmed down later and offered his condolences to the families. He was
ushered off somewhat embarrassed when one of the reporters pointed out
that he had a piece of the Sheffield entrant stuck between his teeth

Wrestling
********
The WFF Title was up for grabs again last night as the title holder "The
Bear" was stripped of the belt. The WFF official we spoke to said,
"I think genetic modification has been good for the sport, apart from the
fatalities - however, we received scientific proof last night that "The
Bear" has not in fact got any human DNA in him at all and is purely and
simply a bear in a pair of tight pants".

"The bear's" manager Mickey regretted the attempt to pull the wool
over
fans eyes, but assured that his prodigy did have training in Russian Dance and
would now be looking back to his roots.

And Finally
*********
It would appear that sport is not the only thing to benefit from the
relaxation of the laws on genetic, drug and surgical enhancements. The
flying squad section of Scotland Yard, annoyed at recent cut backs to the
police budget have decided to take matters into their own hands.

Several volunteer officers have had albatross wings surgically implanted
to aid mobility around the busy Capital. They have also had Seagull
injections, to prevent the body rejecting the new additions.

Detective Inspector Duncan Down says that it will allow officers to reach
the scene of the crime much quicker and therefore cut down response times
and crime rates.

He had no comment to make on reports that officers were seen flying past
the budget committee's car park with their trousers around their ankles on
Friday last week. Several Officers have been suspended pending a forensic
examination of "Suspicious White Substances" on the senior chairman's BMW.

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