Take me to your Booby (Erotic Category)

Member Name: Muffin_the_Mule

Product:	Erotic Category
Date:	17/02/03 (894 review reads)
Rating:

Advantages: Are you Kidding Mortal!? They are BOOBS!

Disadvantages: Mine are in Germany. :(

Today, society seems to be addled with people addicted to more and more aspects of everyday human life.
We have footballers spending more money on a game of cards than people earn in a year, there are Television 'stars' addicted to illegal substances, Film stars addicted to Sex, women in my office addicted to the idle lives of fictional characters in a daily soap set in a dreary London suburb, and even amateur writers addicted to opinion websites.
The situation seems to be getting worse, as Addiction becomes the new Black.

It is with great fanfare and emotion, therefore, that I will announce I can hold my head high.
I am a visionary. I am for once, in vogue. I am an adictee. I have an addiction. And it feels great.
I am not following the trend either. I've always had my addiction. I was here first.

I am not addicted to smoking. Infact, I am very much anti-smoking, a bit like Superman in those 80's poster adverts, except less muscular, and although I have been known to wear red underwear, it has never been as an outer accessory to blue tights.
I drink, but I?m not an alcoholic.
I don't even like Lemsip, so drugs are out.
Tonight Matthew, sorry, Davinia, My Addiction is boobs.

Boobs. They're great aren't they?
Even the word (worth 9 points at scrabble) sounds good.
Spanish for booby you ask? Boob.
German? Boob.
French? Boob.
It truly is a European word.
Before I go any further, I would like to say straight away I'm not a Pervert, Peeping Tom or oddball. I'm Male.
The statisticians quote that men think about Sex every 6 seconds in an average day. They never asked me, because if thinking about boobs counts as thinking about Sex, my statistics are more like I Don't think about boobs every six seconds, I think about them the 5 seconds before and the 5 seconds after, then Sex, then back to boobs again.

I'm 23 years old, which mean
s I spent my early teens watching Baywatch,
a slow-motion Jiggle-fest interrupted only by adverts for jelly, melons and shower soap. At least that's what the adverts in my head were for.

Addictions have different stages through which they must pass before they can officially be credited as an addiction.
Below, is my own, totally unqualified, but truly very well field-tested and observed scale of booby-love.

Stage One:
Passing interest.
You notice that someone has boobies. This is only acceptable to do if they are on television, in the street, not related to you, but it doesn't matter if you know them or not - For example, I have a great passing interest in some of my closest friends bra-fillers.

Stage Two:
More than a passing interest.
Men (or women, I'm not going to discriminate here) who show the typical Stage Two symptoms can often be recognised by the following tell-tale signs:
1.Puffing of the cheeks milliseconds after a frontally endowed lady in a vest walks past them.
2.Cowering from a flurry of handbag swings by a disgruntled partner who does not understand the lure of Stage Two.
3.Raising of a single eyebrow when a lady is in their presence. Roger Moore is the most famous sufferer of Stage Two, watch any film in which he appears with women. Woman enters room, up goes eyebrow, woman leaves room, down goes eyebrow.
Mr. Moore once went to a beach and his eyebrow had to be placed in a sling for several days afterwards.

Stage Three.
Involuntary Vocal Appreciation.
Stage 3 sufferers tend to stick together, and as a hobby, they will build houses.
Many years ago, Stage 3's were forced to build behind bars to protect jiggling passers by from their comments. However, due to recent European community law changes, the bars have become wider and wider apart, and evolved into what we now know as 'Scaffolding', a term of endearment used by stage 3's fo
r ladies of large endowment's underwire in their bras. Often, these tormented souls will call out to ladies completely involuntarily, Like men with a form of specifically dedicated Tourettes.

Stage 3b.
Idolisation.
Stage 3b is a phenomenon rather than a stage, which is why doesn't always occur. It is often skipped by the Addicted, but some lucky men will fall into this aspect of booby-love.
These men love Boobs with such passion, that they want a pair of their own, and ultimately, will develop 'Man-Breasts' through many dedicated hours training, taking supplements to enhance their Chest warmers. The supplements are widely available in every high street, from venues called 'pubs' and are sold in measures of Pint, and half Pints.
Any man purporting to be a stage 3b who is holding a 'half-measure' is immediately disowned, and sent for further counselling at the bar, where he will be ordered to stay on the straight and narrow, only to consume pints if he wishes to be a true follower of The Stage 3b Man boob.

Stage Four.
Men at stage four are few and far between. They have no shame, and don't care who knows about their addiction. They may even post the existence of their addiction on a website, for others to read and gain entertainment from, in the vague hope that other men, unaware that they are addicted, may recognise the symptoms early, so they can prosper and perhaps even become a 3b.
Stage Four's are often very handsome, successful men, highly attractive to members of the opposite Sex, and regularly have to leave the house armed to beat off any unwanted attention from Women offering to show their own breasticles to the men in a bid to feed their addiction. These men are all either in the music business., or play football for a living.

Stage 4b.
A lot like stage four, except without the same appeal to the ladies. And less successful. Stage 4b have to work a lot harder
to feed their addiction. Looking at Page 3 of The Sun won't do, as these breasticles are made of paper, and often
the subjects on page 3 are already helping a standard Stage Four male develop his addiction.

Stage 5.
So far, there is only one recorded case of a stage 5 addicted male. Very little is known about Stage Five. Scarily, A stage Five only appreciates the Fine, olive skinned pertness of athletically adept gymnastic genius of multi lingual trampolinists who live in Germany, like chocolate, write opinions and are called............?

I'm very confident that most men out there will be an addict to some extent, but this is nothing to be ashamed of.
Booby-Love is a rare type of addiction, as it actually makes life a whole lot more fun. I urge you caring ladies out there to assist your men with their addictions. Show your boobs, save the world.

Summary: It's what Calculators were made for.