Some enchanted evening... (Gender Dysphoria)

Member Name: salgirl

Product:	Gender Dysphoria
Date:	15/10/01 (386 review reads)
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Picture the scene: A small group of friends get together on a reasonably regular basis for a girl’s evening out. This time we are sitting in a restaurant. The five of us are laughing and joking about one thing or another, when one of us nudges a friend and says, “Well, go on. Tell them.”

There’s an expectant silence as we all stare at Sharon*. Her head is now down towards the table as she mutters. “Barry dresses up in women’s clothes.”

We all look at each other a little amazed. Debbie reaches over touches her arm and says, “So does my brother-in-law, if it helps.”

“Same for my cousin’s husband,” I said.

More looking at each other, this time totally amazed, and peals of relieved laughter.

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From out of the five, three of us had someone close to them whose gender borders appeared to be somewhat confused. After some discussion we realised that whilst the ‘symptoms’ of this were similar, there were different motivations and goals behind each man.

Debbie’s story.

She had married into a family of macho men; big drinkers with big builds. They were a hale and hearty bunch, who lived normal, everyday lives. One day, she got a phone call from her brother in law, asking her to come back to her house, as he needed to see her. Alarmed by the strange mood he was in, she rushed home only to have him open the door, in her wedding dress, with full and poorly applied make-up on.

She said she sat in stunned silence, trying to take in the vision of this massive bloke in her comparatively small dress, whilst he spilled out his miseries to her.

She never understood why he chose her to talk to, or why he did it in the way he did, but this was now her problem too and she felt she had to doing something to try and help him.

First she had to convince Bob to tel
l his wife about it. Then they had to discuss why he felt the need to dress as a woman, and would it be enough for him. Did he want this to go further? Bob said it was enough to dress as a woman, and didn’t want to lose his manhood over it.

Thus, now categorised as a cross-dresser, Bob could begin to get help with sorting out his mental and emotional needs as well as that of his wife.

The marriage is on shaky ground, and barely hanging together as his wife of 20 years is having a hard time accepting the new man she has in her life. He says he is not attracted to other men, but there is a continual doubt in her mind; he promises that he never used her clothes and never did it in their house, but she won’t believe him. The children are currently being shielded from this, although Bob feels that they are old enough (13 and 15) to be told.

This is an ongoing situation.



Sharon’s story.

Barry had been her boyfriend since their late teenage years. Constantly in each other’s pockets, they embodied a perfectly happy couple until strain started to appear on Sharon’s face. She’d found women’s clothes stuffed into a sports bag at the back of the wardrobe, and they weren’t hers. Unable to understand just when he was getting the time to have an affair, and not having seen any evidence of the potential for one, she had kept it to herself and watched Barry’s behaviour, being on the alert for any small signs of things being amiss.

He was starting to become ratty with her, which she put down to her being on edge with him, that slowly escalated into him withdrawing from her. Faced with the apparent and imminent end of her relationship, she confronted him with the bag of clothes.

He was instantly defiant and told her that he’d been doing it for years. He was proud of it and mocked her distress at the revelation. The finding of other men attractive had bee
n something he’d denied himself over the years, but now it appeared to be full steam ahead. He was a woman trapped in a man’s body and he’d had enough of living a lie.

He is currently going through the early stages of counselling before finding out whether he will be accepted as a suitable candidate for treatment.


My cousin’s story.

Kitty had had a very up and down life. She was on her third major relationship, having suffered physical abuse at the hands of the first husband, and severe mental abuse with the second. Larry seemed like a decent sort this time. He liked a drink, and that appeared to be his only vice, so they married, settled down and had two children together.

Used to dealing with personal traumas in her life, when her husband started to suggest unusual sexual games she thought she could cope. It would involve him dressing as a woman before they made love, and preferably she would dress him.

She lived with this for some months before talking to her doctor about things. It was becoming distressing to her that this wasn’t a phase or something that would only appear once in a while. It was starting to become necessary.

Her doctor was sympathetic and said that as long as he didn’t start making physical changes to his body, then it was just likely to be a sexual fetish that wouldn’t progress further, and she should feel safe in talking about getting some variety back into their lovemaking.

That night she climbed into bed with him and found he’d started shaving his body of hair. His legs, chest, armpits and arms were as smooth as baby’s skin.

Deciding this was something she could not live with, and not wishing to watch the relationship decline further, she moved herself and her children out of the house.

She maintained contact with him, trying to talk to him about what he wanted from life. He said that he wanted to be a
woman. Asking him if he was prepared to go all the way, he seemed to think that he did. Explaining that she couldn’t be there for him whilst he went through it all, especially when there was the very big chance that he wouldn’t want her at the end of it, they called it a day.

His drinking, which had always figured largely in his life, now took a greater hold and he took to acting aggressively towards the children. She stopped the access and watched dumbfounded as he reverted to his manly ways by starting an affair with their old next-door neighbour.

He is currently living in denial of his situation and pretending that he’s a full-blooded male. All actions towards making enquiries about a sex change have stopped and he’s drinking his days away instead.


The conclusion.

Gender issues in general, appear to be misunderstood. It isn’t a clear-cut case of a man who likes to wear women’s clothes becoming a transsexual.

He may just like the idea of dressing up, but that’s as far as it goes.

He may feel as though he’s a woman, but still be attracted to women - Eddie Izzard being the most notable case of the latter type of man. The closest he can get to describing it, is that it’s like being a lesbian in a man’s body.

He may feel that he is all woman, and the need to rid himself of an unwanted reminder that his body is saying otherwise, is all consuming.

What is clear is that corrupt living or a corrupt society hasn’t instilled these sexual orientations, it has been in place since the time they were born. All of the men involved have admitted to having had the knowledge of their situation for many years. As it is the case that this is a natural phenomenon, why should there then be any discrimination shown towards them because of it?

I do agree that in-depth counselling is required before allowing such a radical change to their
lives to be made, as the impact of their actions can be very profound. They may have to accept that family members may never want to have contact with them for quite some time, if at all. It may alienate them from people who they had previously considered close friends.

There is also a chance that the major changes may not “work”. The inversion of the penis is a delicate operation, and despite constructive surgery being at an incredibly advanced stage, they cannot guarantee that the sensitivity, which is required in order to give satisfaction, will be there in any great degree.

A case televised some years ago, charted the course of a man who went through the full-blown process of interviews with doctors and surgeons in order to become a woman. Some of the meetings were humiliating and carried out with a marked lack of sensitivity. His boyfriend was encouraging and urged him on regardless. He was ultimately operated on, suffered terrible medical problems and scarring, and was unceremoniously dumped by his boyfriend a couple of days after the operation.

She now lives and works in an environment where she is accepted as a woman. There is no question that she will never have a sexual side to any relationships that she has, being that she has been irreparably damaged. But strangely, she still seems happy.

The whole process is seen as shocking and frightening to those of us who can never walk a mile in their shoes, but it must be considered that this is something to be taken seriously when people will go to the lengths that they do, in order to just feel ‘normal’.

The world is made up of a wide variety of people. Different races, different colours, different creeds. We have to accept that these shades of distinctions also follow through the most basic of our definitions, our sex.

Live and let live is what I say. But be honest about things. Sharon never deserved the humiliation of having her rel
ationship flung in her face like that; she wasn’t the one who was living the lie. At least have some respect for the feelings of others whilst on your campaign to be who you are. Being a transsexual is not a bad thing, but being a selfish, ignorant person is, and that goes for whatever sex you are.

Should you have any sexual or gender issues that are causing you pain, and you don’t feel you can discuss it with your family or your GP, try calling the Lesbian and Gay Switchboards to talk to someone who knows how to help you.

London office (24 hour) (020) 7837 7324.

*Names have been changed for the usual reasons.

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