I love the smell of non toxic paint in the morning... (Paintball in General)

Name: Pjenkins

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Product:	Paintball in General
Date:	30/07/03 (439 review reads)
Rating:

Advantages: Good exercise, Great teambuilding

Disadvantages: The humourless crowd

It’s funny how the world can change in just a few short months. Case in point. In the spring time of this year I joined many other protesters on the streets of Manchester, voicing our opinions on the upcoming military conflict in the middle east. Our the belief in our cause was concrete, and we felt that we had made a difference. We may not have stopped the war, but by golly we did a damn fine job of promoting peace in this crazy world.

Now fast forward to last weekend. I am holed up in a trench. Water is slowly beginning to seep through my combat uniform as I wait for the attack of the enemy who are slowly advancing from the trees ahead. When the signal is given, we’re over the top, trying desperately to get them before they can get us. With comrades falling all around me I fire indiscriminately in to the distance roaring my way into their territory. DIE! DIE! DIE!!!!!

You’d be forgiven for thinking that the war had somehow escalated on a massive scale without you knowing, but you can sleep safe I the knowledge that this is not the case. What happened last weekend was not an escalation of world conflict and the subsequent conscription of all under 30’s. No, it was more like a big bunch of nanby panby (so called) men running round of forest pretending that they were Bruce Willis.

This is the world of Paint-balling, brought to you through the eyes of Mr Pjenkins. Pacifist, Stag night attendee, and all round great wet lettuce.

ARRIVAL

My arrival at the paint-balling centre was filled with scepticism. For starters, the centre we were attending in Bromley had named itself, ‘Delta Force’ obviously recognising that many of its customers would be eighties kids, who couldn’t possibly undertake any kind of physical activity such as this without comparing themselves to the A-Team. (Which we did, and I entertained all with my excellent, though somewhat under recognised impression of Mr T) <
br>

The first thing I noticed aside from the fact that male attendees outnumbered the females by about thirty to one, was that many of our potential enemies were shorter than myself, and by quite a long margin at that. There were kids everywhere, and I was to learn from Andy (our groups resident expert on these matters) that they were often the ones to watch as they were quick and could get into hiding places that no one else could manage. I made an immediate mental note “Shoot the children first”

From a social commentary point of view, the Delta Force car park would be an absolute riot for Desmond Morris, as while we waited for further instruction we immediately formed in to very close packs. Everyone (and I mean everyone) formed little inward circles and started talking in mumbles, reverting back to our hunter gatherer days when we needed to hunt in packs. And this is before anyone had even shown us a gun….

THE DECLARATION.
If you die, it’s not our fault. If you get you arm blown off because some kid decides to fiddle with a gas canister, it’s not our fault. If you fall out of a tree, it’s definitely nothing to do with us. If you scream like a girl after being shot at, suffer psychological trauma for the rest of your life and lose your faculties through the resultant night terrors - then talk to the hand, as we’re not listening.
Please sign below.

Thank you for choosing Delta force. Free Tea and coffee is provided…..

THE KIT
After signing what appeared to be the waiver on my life insurance, we made our way into “Base camp” where we were handed our kit. The contents of said kit were as follows

1) Full body overalls
2) Face mask
3) Head & neck protector
4) Ammo ‘hopper’

And that was it. No disguises. No emergency rations of corned beef. No photos of ma girl back home. To say I was disappointed was an underst
atement.
This was nothing like Escape from Colditz. (That’s the board game you understand, not some sort of traumatic memory).

As it turned out, this was merely a basic kit, and if you were willing to go the extra mile (& extra cash) then the supply shop (or portakabin to be more precise) could furnish you with all you need.

Extras available included –

· Smoke grenades (ooh)
· Protective Gloves (for people with the foresight to realise that all this might hurt a bit)
· Ammo belts (v.useful)
· Ammunition (the pellet things that you can’t play the game without really)
· Rations (i.e. grub. Bacon rolls, cans of Lilt etc - the sort of stuff you get in the jungle)

So the group are now fully furnished with everything we will possibly need.

HEALTH & SAFETY

There then followed a quick safety talk regarding the do’s and don’t do’s of safety in the jungle. Important points were as follows.

DO keep your face mask on at all times. Paintballs travel at about 150mph and one in the eye doesn’t sound like a pleasant experience

DO check that your gun is working correctly when you get it. Although highly unlikely, a problem with the CO² canister could cause a bit of a nasty burn.

DON’T shoot people from a distant of less than six feet. Many people might like the idea of having kids, and a shot from that close may put a bit of a dampener on the idea.

DON’T put sticks in the end of your gun and pretend they are bayonets…

DON’T knee cap the opposition just because they shot you in the elbow…..

Etc.

The centre were very thorough with the “looking out for your safety” thing, but I did get a feeling that it was not I, the petrified beginner that the talk was aimed at. The problem was that the Commando/GI Joe/Russian Mafia contingent weren’t really paying attentio
n at this poin
t…. And so we moved on our way to our first game….

THE GAMES

I'm not going into the nuts & bolts of how to play Paintball as its extremely simple. You get a gun filled with paint pellets and you try to shoot your opposition before they do the same to you in various different terrains & scenarios. And that's about it.

A brief rundown of the games in which I took part.

Speedball – A five minute game where one team tries to blast the other out of existence from extremely close range. This was the fastest game of the day (as the name would suggest really) and used up the most ammo, as you often found yourself firing aimlessly in order to avoid getting hit by a pellet yourself.

Protect the general – As the name would suggest, you are given ten minutes to protect a nominated player from your enemy while also escorting them to the opposing team’s base camp.

Capture the flag – Rough terrain / huts / deserted vehicles. The flag is hidden somewhere in the terrain and it I sup to you and your comrades to search and recover before the opposing team does so.

Trench warfare – A straight shootout, but entrenched in muddy puddles. There is a ‘bomb’ which also needs to be recovered from an unprotected space which is also up for grabs and gets you bonus points if you make it to the opposing territory.

Capture the fort. – Similar to the flag game bar the fact that the flag is on full display at the top of a muddy, very exposed hill.

To play all of the above games requires a great deal of running, jumping, sliding and sometimes even somersaulting in order to negotiate the environment you find yourself in whilst also avoiding a bullet in your backside. It’s hot, sweaty and extremely tiring. Points are gained for wiping out your opposition, capturing flags, employing aggressive tactics etc and are awarded at the
discretion of the w
atching Marshalls.

THE GOOD POINTS
It is not hard to see why so many ‘trendy’ companies take Management consultants to Paintball centres, as it is an excellent way of forcing people to form bonds, build trust and enact problem scenarios which require quick thinking. In the brief time you have before a game starts, I found myself volunteering to do all sorts of crazy stuff, including at one point acting as a decoy so that one of our team could sneak round and capture the flag. (Mental note - never do this again, you get a bullet in the bum)

From a physical point of view it is also great exercise as you carry a fair load of equipment around, while also running, stretching etc. I felt completely bushed on the evening which followed, but the day after realised that it had loosened me up a great deal.

The other positive which cannot be ignored is generally a male one. You get to roll around in the mud. There are not many activities nowadays where this is still acceptable, and its great to remember what it was like to be a kid and you had all that gooey mess to muck about in. It certainly takes you back.

THE NOT SO GOOD POINTS
Remember those Mafia/GI Joe guys I mentioned earlier. They are very sad but also very aggressive. I understand that this is a full time hobby for some people, but a few of the people who attended the centre on the day we went forgot that we were ‘playing’ and lost all humour once they had a gun in their hand.

The lack of humour I found in these people was not what worried me the most however, but instead that they were actively chastising their children for not being faster/stronger/more accurate etc. It’s always a shame when competitiveness goes too far, but the language used against some of these kids by their so called parents shocked me. Nay sickened me.

The other negative factor which cannot be ignored is the injuries. You WIL
L (if you’re playi
ng it correctly) get cuts & bruises. After all you spend most of your time getting shot at in very rough terrain. You will fall over. You will run into a trees. You will bash yourself in the leg with the butt of your gun. Accidents will happen. Especially if you're like me and terrible at anything which require physical dexterity.

What you may not be prepared for however is the pain which getting shot actually causes. This op is being written a full 48 and a bit hours after taking part in the 'games' and my arm is still brandishing what can only be described as a welt, closely matched by what resembles a love bite on my left hand.(Hindsight says get the protective gloves) If it wasn't for the 12 credible witnesses who also have the same injuries, the Mrs and I would have been having a very tricky conversation. You have been warned!

THE COST

Costs for "Delta Force" found just outside Bromley on the outskirts of the M25 were as follows.

Basic entry (including Gun, protective clothing & game Marshalls) - £10
Pack of 100 paintball pellets - £6.00
Box of 2500 paintball pellets - £125.00 (recommended for groups of players)
Hire of Protective Gloves - £5.00
Grenades - £5.00
Hire of Ammo belt £5.00
Bacon Sarnie - £1.00

In total I played five games and spent somewhere around £35, but some people in our group went a bit crazy with the occasion and spent upwards of £60. I guess it just depends on how many times you want to pull the trigger during the day.

THE BIT I WASN'T EXPECTING TO GET OUT OF IT
I started this op with reference to my nanby panby pacifist ideas and my general opposition to the current world conflict. Well, somehow I seem to have mellowed. Could paintball have done that? I think so. The reason? Let me explain.

I found myself sitting in a puddle, with a light drizzle completely obscuring the view from my m
ask & I was holed up behind a
couple of barrels with the yellow team's snipers firing at me without prejudice. I was trapped in a space of less than six square feet, unable to move, carrying cumbersome equipment and a gun which I was absolutely terrible at firing. My adrenaline was going crazy, and this was of course in the full knowledge that if I poked my head up a few inches and I got shot in the head, then it wouldn't matter as this was only a game.

I tried to put this experience into some frame of reference and realised that no matter what my opinion on war, or the training methods, or the people within the armed forces, what these people do as a job is extremely hard. They do things on a daily basis which I came nowhere near to achieving even on a small scale such as this. Makes you think about what its like when there's not a nice guy running about in a luminous orange jacket who can tell everyone to stop firing.

So all in all then, it gave me a bit of a run about in a forest, I got a bit muddy and I widened my experience within the realms of armed combat. And they had nice bacon sarnie's on hand when things got a bit too much. Not bad going, and certainly worth the relatively small amount of cash we paid for a whole days entertainment.

Does Paintballing get the thumbs up? Tentatively. But then again I need to do everything tentatively with my right hand at the moment……

Summary: