SPORT! (Football in General)

Member Name: pert_abacus

Product:	Football in General
Date:	22/10/09 (46 review reads)
Rating:

Advantages: Too many to mention

Disadvantages: ?

Are you sitting uncomfortably?

Then we'll begin.

Once upon a time there was a young boy named Peter who came from one of those made up European countries like Albania or Estonia or perhaps France.

Peter moved to Eng-er-land which is a small country nestling in between Wales, Scotland and the Isle of Wight.

Peter had to leave his native country due to a small incident involving 140,003 tonnes of concrete and his local police station and move to Eng-er-land to stay with his Grandfather.

One day as Peter was walking through a local park with his Grandfather he spotted a group of children playing a game that he was unfamiliar with.

'Whats that Grandad?' He asked.

'That,' said his Grandfather, with a smile 'is Association Football, the greatest game known to man. It's played by 2 teams of eleven and the aim is to kick the ball through the oppositions goal posts. Each time you do that your team gets a point known as a goal and the team with the most goals at the end of the game wins'

At that point there was a cheer from the group of children playing and several of them started hugging each other.

'What's that Grandad?' Asked Peter.

Grandfather quickly covered Peter's eyes. 'That my child is an abomination of the modern game. Someone has just scored a goal and rather than just accepting a nod of appreciation from his team and getting on with it he has decided to prance around and hug and dare I say, even kiss, his team-mates. In my day any palaver would have been the subject of much scorn.'

'Do lots of people play football Grandad?' asked Peter

'Yes, Peter, yes they do. There is an enormous league system set up here in Eng-er-land in which teams of a common skill level compete against each other. In theory the best teams compete against each other and the lesser teams play each other. The idea behind this is to make every game an even competition where either side could win. The teams all play each other twice over a season and get different points depending on whether they win, lose or draw the tie. At the end of the season the best teams move up a division and the worst ones move down a division. Sometimes this doesn't always work out. Stoke for example'

'What happens to the best teams in the top division' Grandad asked Peter

'They get to play in additional competitions that are funded by television and that suck the soul out of the game' said Grandad.

'Do any famous people play Football Grandad?' asked Peter

Grandad stopped and thought.

After a while he said 'Yes Peter. You know that Gordon Ramsey on the televison, he was allegedly quite a player before he decided to give up the gentlemans game for a life of shouting and swearing. Then there's Delia Smith. She used to captain Norwich until her team mates discovered in the changing rooms one day that she was female, having pawned her prosthetic penis the night before so she could buy a whiskey and soda. No one had a clue!Even to this day you can hear nostalgic chants of 'Delly man Boobs' amongst the Norwhich faithful.'

'Can I learn to play, Grandad?' asked Peter.

'Yes son, you can.'

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Peter spend every weekend playing at his local park.

He started by playing on his own, dribbling a football around different obstacles and kicking it at targets on the wall of the local bakery.

He then asked to play with the big boys at the park. The big boys would only let him play in goals but he was still delighted to be able to join in.

Each week he would run to the park and wait patiently for 3 hours for the other boys to arrive, having been assured by them that the best goal keeping training was to stand in the cold, all alone and miserable. When they arrived they would kick balls at him, throw bricks and wellies at him, all so that he could practice.

One day Bernard Mathews, one of the bigger boys, tried to hit him with shaped turkey mince products. To escape Peter leapt up and hauled himself up onto the cross bar. From this position he found he could swing around and avoid Bernards blows.

He stayed there through out the game and managed to stop every attempt on goal. His team mates declared him a hero, gave him a new nick-name of Monkey and threw him in the canal to celebrate.

************************************************* *******

Two months passed and word got around that 'monkey' Peter was a top goalie. Mr Lemming-Stroker, the games master at his school invited him to play for the school team.

Peter was more than happy to join in, despite getting ridiculed for his football kit which at that time consisted of a Cliff Richard mask and a turquoise leotard and tried out for his school.

He got in but spent every game on the bench as the current goal-keeper 'Spider' Wankstain was truly excellent. Peter sat patiently on the bench and watched as his team advanced further and further through the local schools cup competition.

They got to the final!

The morning of the final came and Peter trudged along to school expecting to spend another 90 minutes sitting on the bench when he spotted 14 police cars racing by. He arrived at the school to discover that 'Spider' Wankstain had been chased away by the police. It transpired that 'Spider' was really a pseudonym and the under-12s goal keeper had in fact been Lord Lucan all along.

This meant that Peter would now get the chance to play in goal. Peter was ecstatic!

Peter had an amazing game and made 27 saves in the first half alone. However his team mates weren't having any success and the game remained tide at 0-0 until the 89th minute.

'Scrapper' Budweiser brought an opponent down in Peter's area and the referee blew for a penalty.

So it had come to this....

The final kick of the game would be a penalty. 'Inkpot' Maguffin against Peter.

'Oi, Monkey' shouted Scrapper Budweiser, 'if you don't save this penalty we'll break your f-in neck.'

'Yeah, you leotard freak, I'll bloody have you' Mr Lemming-Stroker chimed in.

The crowd held their breath.

Peter leapt up to the crossbar in preparation for the strike.

Inkpot started his run up....... And kicked the ball....


************************************************* *********

In the police reports that were filed after the match it is stated that 'Monkey' Peter was set upon by several of his supporters after failing to save the ball. It was recorded that he severed the right ear of master Budweiser and so badly damaged Mr Lemming-Strokers face that 'even his mother couldn't love him'. 6 other supporters were admitted to A & E with minor flesh wounds and Peter escaped. It was noted that had 3/4s of the local force not been chasing after Lord Lucan that 'monkey' Peter would now be in custody.

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Peter's Grandad never saw him again.

Summary: The only game in town.