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Well, I've taken one out of Scotland and Wales with one of these so why not England, my country. In my unique A-Z pungent style I will be as rude as possible when needed and also flattering when required about the country we call England.
A is for Agro...
There's a lot of it in England because all the rough boys drink and all the rough girls don't wear much on a Saturday night in January. The working class boys fight over that particular brand of working class girl, and then have babies together, and then it starts all over again, all this cheered on by students.
B is for Boris Johnson
The bumbling buffoon is, of course, anything but, a smart guy cultivating an image that may earn him high office in the future. That persona makes him a likeable and electable to the marginal Tories in Middle England. After having a government full of buffoons and idiots why do we want to vote more in?
C is for Cricket
English summers are the best in the world for sport and having a membership for your local county team the best way to while it away. It's the only professional sport you can drink to your hearts content in the crowd and lap up the sunshine too. When it rains you can dive into the bar and watch the Test on Sky, or just go home, knowing you haven't lost out financially, a normal membership allowing you to see all four home Twenty20, Pro40 and F&P 50/50 games, plus Eight home championship matches, all for around £135 quid, the best value in sport by far. Who couldn't have been enthused for the game by that startling and scintillating Ashes series of 2005?
D is for the Death Penalty
I have been against it for a long time but I think we have reached the point where people kill for fun here now, the weak laws and control of potential killers not tough enough. The case of the 'schitzo' on the London bus who stabbed that guy to death after throwing chips at him just to get him to react so to attack him and then stab him, getting away with the murder charge with a sleazy lawyer, says it all. Apparently the guy should have been on bail and locked up in Liverpool when he was actually committing the crime on that London bus, unstable, armed and looking to kill someone; all because the jails are full so was allowed to slip through and out of the system, free to kill.
We are too PC and scared these days to sentence people how they should be sentenced, race and human rights issues a deterrent. Ian Huntley and the latest builder to bury young girls under the patio, I'm sure do this because they know when they finally get caught jail is where they want to be. If Huntley needs a reported liver transplant then his human rights will see him get one. The two girls he hacked up without anesthetic didn't have any human rights. Gas the guy now! Get rid of the killers and empty the jails. I feel better now
E is for English breakfasts...
Sizzling crispy bacon, egg over easy, nice bit of dipping bread and some lightly done chunky Northern sausages! Two cups of sugary tea straight after. Scrummy!
F is for foreigner criminals...
I was walking in Northampton town centre last week on my lunch hour only for plain clothes cops to appear out of nowhere and nab what looked like a whole family of Romanians. A hasty inquiry with a burley copper confirmed that. The younger fitter ones ran in all directions whilst the elders tried to melt into the crowds of Christmas shoppers. But the cops had been watching all of them it seemed and nicked the lot, presumably for shop lifting and fraudulent credit card offences, according to the governments own website a Romanian specialty. To actually see a family of all ages working my town centre over to steal as much as possible was quite alarming. They clearly haven't come to England to work like the excellent Poles. With the news that many foreign criminals are being bribed with a £1500 cheque from the Home Office if they go home when they are released from prison early here I suspect these Romanians will be back soon to Northampton to enjoy our soft-touch laws-if they actually get sentenced. It's pretty obvious what criminals will spend £1500 quid on!
G is for Great Yarmouth...
Yarmouth represents the unique British seaside town. Unlike foreign resorts these places specifically cater for ambivalent weather-rows and rows of amusement arcades ready to suck in soggy holidaymakers, regiments of chip shops and tacky pubs clawing in every penny from the waddling Brits. There is something quite vulgar about these places when you get older and there are only so many Celtic tattoos and leggings you can tolerate-and that's just on the pensioners! In fact I'm quite looking forward to those rising sea levels on the coasts. Remind me to whack up the heating.
H is for Hooligans...
It's heartbreaking to see the way the English working class football fan abroad embarrasses the nation. It's too moronic for words and I just can't bear to travel to watch England anymore. I have watched England play cricket all over the world but never our national sport (football, not hooliganism). I don't want to be part of that mob. Even the respectable fans still feel the need to shave their heads and get a tattoo for the big summer tournaments. Not this summer though.
I is for Immigration...
I'm sick and tired of been told to shut up about this issue by the establishment. It's out of control, the nations fed up with it, and no one that can stop it cares. As long as big business gets cheap labor and the poverty we are importing creates more New Labor voters it will continue. With a 70 million population predicted by 2020 here and oil running out quicker than Ulrika Johnson's partners it makes no sense at all to continue this open door policy. I'm even contemplating voting Tory! I don't know anyone (including settled minorities) that's in favor of this unmetered serge and yet no one dare take of the politicians over it? Jails are full, schools are full, and the hospitals are full. Why should an asylum seeker being treated for AIDS get priority over a British woman wanting breast cancer treatment?
J is for Jobs
All the crap jobs are been done by immigrants, getting a foothold in a new country, the way it's always been done. I agree with that policy if it's controlled. But now we are seeing skilled British workers being undermined by overseas graduates, taking a big chunk of I.T and engineering jobs in the U.K. The reason they are is because multinationals can get these guys into London on contracts that pay up to 60% less salaries. It's no wonder there's a brain drain in the U.K, skilled workers leaving, unskilled ones pouring in. With one in three of our university places now been taken by foreign nationals you do wonder who exactly is looking out for us any more. 67% of London School of Economics students are now foreign nationals, many subsidized by Brit tax payers. Every parent that helps fund their child in university also pays up to £100 a year to help pay for an Eastern European study here, a contradiction in terms.
K is for Knighthood
It's great when sport or genuine heroes of the arts and life get them but not so much by the people who seem to get them today. As we have seen with Gordon Browns current crisis the only reason money is given to political parties is to indirectly get huge contracts worth millions in return. And while we are there lets not forget the reward of those coveted gongs, both meaning a healthy retirement and access. The PUBLIC should vote on who gets knighted, although we won't let ITV organize the phone vote! Take the awards of political honors out of the hands of politicians!
L is for London
It can be a bit grubby at times but everyone needs to go into our capital now and then to wow at the buildings like the Westminster parliament and Buck House. Apart from Washington DC I don't think there's a capital out there where all the iconic buildings are so close together and not dwarfed by skyscrapers. Like DC you also have that buzz that this is the place where it all happens and something is about to. You don't get that in places like L.A or New York.
M is for Morris Dancing
I suppose this fertility dance kid of represents ye olde England in my review. We have the world conker championships just up the road and a lot of these bearded real ale types turn up and bang sticks together. I would much prefer to see them being chased by bulls through the streets of Ashton Under Lyme-the conker place-but this seems to be the only type of tedious tradition on offer around here.
N is for Northampton
I probably don't know how good I have it with top class professional rugby, cricket and football teams on my doorstep but it doesn't feel like it. The high street at lunch hour is a depressing sight, more tattoos on display than a Maori piss up. The Eastern European boys hang around looking board and at girls who don't want to be looked at, whilst the library computers are all taken up by Somalis, riddled with mental wounds over the long and damaging civil war there.
With warehousing and call-centers the only real employment here all we ever do is pack your goods and answer your complaints, as the motorway roars by taking important people anywhere but here. I suppose Northampton is the England of today, broken and riddled with anxiety and debt, courtesy of Blair and Brit Pop.
O is for the Olympics
I'm proud as punch we have the games and I will be volunteering during the two weeks. It's a big ticket item as far as maintaining the countries prestige goes and will hopefully be followed up with the World Cup-if we qualify! If I hear anyone else moaning about the cot I want them to detail what they would rather spend the money on. And the ones that always say 'ospitals and scawls' are the ones that squandered free education when they were offered it and do everything they can to get their fat arse and smoke filled lungs in to hospitals.
P is for Parks...
There's something very British about our beautiful park in the summer. In America they are no go areas, often locked up at night to stop hoards of bums kipping down for the night, drugs and muggings common place in the day. Here they are places of freedom and leisure, the titillating glimpse of an English rose's thigh, maybe a chance for a little summer romance and cuddles, be it with the wife or secretary.
The trees are so stunning this time of year; the golden browns and yellow leaves spinning and flapping on their stems, before clinging on desperately as the cold October winds blow the last to the ground and into mulch.
Q is for the Queen
Australia may be about to dump her but I think she does a grand job. She rules half the world through the Commonwealth and, more importantly, is respected around that globe for being non political and steadfast, unlike the guy who tries to rule the other half of the world. If you ask the Americans who they would rather have in charge it wouldn't be Bush. It's 'The' Queen' and remember that. People say she is too expensive, I say what will they waste the money if not her? The answer is pointless quangos, wars and bailing out private banks. She does more good and little bad and so if it aint broke why fix it.
R is for Religion
I think we have got it about right here. The Christian church is passive and optional, full of croaky voiced grave dodgers and ruddy cheeked happy clappers, people who have clearly chosen God for their own ends and so not trying to push it on you and me with garish TV campaigns and huge new churches and mansions built with your donations.
Islam may be on the march in the U.K and a more 'persuasive' religion at that. But as long as they don't push it on me I have no problems at all, although the fact you don't have to pay council tax if you declare your house or premises as a place of worship may explain why there are 768 mosques registered in Bradford alone. I think I might convert to Britain's 11th recognized religion, that of Jedi, the census campaign actually working, getting those 5000 requisite box ticks to authenticate it. I can just see myself as the Obi Wan Kenobi high priest!
S is the St Georges Flag
The flag is a horrible looking plane thing that can only be seen on the dashboards of 'white van man' and hanging from council house windows. I love the Union Jack as it stands for Great Britain and the union's proud empirical power. The national flag now seems to be stained with the blood of racist and hooligans.
T is for tolerance
I love the way we keep it inside us until the time is right, something Gordon Brown is about to feel. Our 'tolerance 'on things like immigration and crime are left to fester until it becomes obvious to all it isn't working, and so no argument against finally snapping and the people doing something about it. We won't hide anymore. We walk into the rain and wind with our head down on a winter's street until the moment is right to shout 'no more'! The Americans don't bide their time until they have all the facts on their enemies and so don't have tolerance. The Europeans are just cowards now. It's a classy attribute to have. Patience with virtue!
U is for the Underclass
What I like about our scum social class is that it's easily identified. It's usually underneath a baseball cap, accompanied by a small piece of bum fluff resting on
the top of the upper lip and directly below the lower lip. The lead 'Chav', as they are known, will usually be accompanied by a rough looking bird, her hair arranged in the classic 'Crawley Face Lift', lacquered and pulled back so severe her ears are near the Matalan label. A small trainee 'Chav' will also be in the gang, looking to impress to make the move up to actually selling crack from his BMX. As the underclass is so easy to spot they are easy to ignore and evade. And Amen to that!
V is for Vendetta
I love the way the British mobilized under Thatcher to seize back the Falklands. There was no oil, minerals or strategic seaway at stake, just pride of the Empire. We sent the ships out and stole it back. It was a signal to the world that we still had that inner strength for the fight and that no nation would mess with us again. And they didn't. Afghanistan to some extent was an on going thing with us, but for me Iraq wasted a lot of our standing in the world and I will never forgive Blair for that invasion-no oil, minerals or seaways gained anywhere their either, when that was the objective this time
W is for Winter
Our winters really suck. They are neither romantic nor decisive. It's always gray and drizzle instead of sweeping white snowy wonderlands and elegant frosts. Even when we do get snow it's melted by the afternoon, not even enough time for the 'hooides' to kick the snowman's head off.
X is for XXX
I'm sorry but we have the worst porn in the world here. Why does it usually involve a 40 year old bearded man from a council house with a fat tattooed woman bouncing up and down on him. Who thinks that's sexy? Do the porn barons advertise for models on the Netto message board! It's disgusting and about as erotic as Anne Widcombes home movies in her bikini. Where's the story? 6ft black men don't bring pizzas around, Pakistani and Turkish boys do. Do they get a role in these movies! My plumbers Chinese, but does he get to bone the naughty 37 year old schoolgirl?
Y is for Yuletide
Coca Cola may have made Father Christmas wear Manchester Uniteds colors and made the season of giving somewhat commercial but Yuletide still retains some of its tradition here, the cold and dark of the northern hemisphere heated up by the seasons warmth. As you can see I couldn't think of a 'Y'.
Z is for Zoos
London Zoo always amazes me. City zoos in general are odd things, all these animals and reptiles from god knows where having to breathe in the city smog, yet happy and content having not to down an antelope on the plain, or be the downed antelope on the plain. When I worked in London I used to be able to get in free in the summer and walk around and see my favorites. I made friends with a Giraffe, two monkeys and the seals. All we have in Northampton is parks full of gray (the emphasis on gray) squirrels, gray Sparrows, under gray skies...