Update: I Seek You (ICQ) - I found You: The complete guide to online relationships (Have you found love on the internet?)

Member Name: Redhead23

Product:	Have you found love on the internet?
Date:	01/03/01 (421 review reads)
Rating:

Advantages: Meeting people on the basis of character and interests

Disadvantages: Judging if someone is honest, not being gullible, not giving away your details straight away

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(The Update is at the bottom, y'know)

Okay, so we've all heard both the romantic Internet love stories and the gruesome horror stories about teenage girls being lurked upon by perverts in their mid-fourties. So what's the truth about *Internet Romance* then? I'll tell ya!
(Yeah and my story is in there somewhere as well...)

[ Disclaimer: Much of my Op is based on my own experience, but some of it goes back to what I've seen on TV, so I can't guarantee the accuracy ]

@~~ Preface: Where you can meet people ~~@

There are various places on the Internet where you can find true love or just very good friendship.
The most obvious ones are Chat Rooms, places where you can *talk* to others in real time by typing on your keyboard - there are thousands of *Romance* chat rooms on the Net, but also many that are dedicated to various subjects (like hobbies, cinema, music etc.) or general chat rooms that are *just for fun* and have no specific topic. So which chat room provides the best *catches*?

~ *Romance Chat Rooms* ~

Here, you are most likely to find someone who is LOOKING for a relationship or sex, as this is exactly the purpose of these chatrooms. A good site for this is http://www.flirt.com, which offers chat rooms as well as relationship advice, personals and various discussion forums. Also, most web communities like Yahoo! (http://clubs.yahoo.com) or deja (http://www.deja.com) feature clubs and communities dedicated to meeting people for love and more, catering for even the strangest of fetishes and intersts.
One of the main problems here is that you are more likely to meet people from the USA, Asia, Australia etc. which can end up very costly and heart-breaking, should the sparks indeed fly - after all, long-distance relationships can be very stressful and often fail because of the distance.
Although Yahoo! and other online communities offer separa
te UK clubs, if you are seriously looking for a feasible relationship, try http://www.ukchat.co.uk, a site that has a *Singles* section and is dedicated to a UK audience. Even though you can still end up in a long-distance relationship, it is a little more feasible if your chosen Net partner lives in the same country and has a similar background - after all, if he/she really is THE ONE for you, it is easier to move *down South* or *up North* than to move to another country (believe me, I know what I'm talking about!) or even another continent!
I haven't got much experience with such chat rooms, but in general I would say that, even though you are very likely to find someone WANTING a relationship, they can be a little disappointing because they attract many people who only want an *Online Flirt* (not a real-time relationship) but also *pervs* and people who chat there for a laugh, pretending to be someone they're not.
Another downside to these *Romantic* chat rooms is the fact that you end up meeting people on the basis of *wanting* love instead of similar interests, which leads on to the next point...

~ *General Chat Rooms/Special Interest Chat Rooms * ~

These are chat rooms that aren't focused on finding love, but on meeting new friends and people with similar interests.
The fact that most people there aren't LOOKING for love, sex or relationships might make it look like it's impossible to meet your match there - but in my experience you are a hell of a lot more likely to meet people you get along with!
First off, it is an old hat that DESPERATELY looking for a partner (or even for friends) often results in the opposite - you either put people off with your desperate attitude or you fall for the wrong people because you think you *have* to go for it with every person who shows the slightest interest!
Secondly, in chat rooms that deal with general or special interests like music, films or computer-relate
d subjects, people are much more likely to be *themselves* than in dedicated *Romance* chat rooms. After all, they go there because they want to talk about something they like/are interested in - not to *pull* or impress others.
Of course there are some *foul eggs* who pull off a charade and aren't themselves, but it is generally easier to pick those out from the people who are *genuine*, simply from their style of writing and their attitude.

Online communities, messenger software, message boards and e-mail newsgroups are generally (apart from cases mentioned above) dedicated to subjects other than meeting prospective partners- but many of the more *famous* love stories started there!
Most of these tools and communities have the purpose of getting together people from all over the world, to share information or to earn the users money - thus, there is no *pressure* to pull, and the atmosphere is generally more relaxed than in places dedicated to matchmaking.

~ *Online Communities* ~

This includes places like DooYoo, Ciao! or Yahoo!, where people get together with a *higher* purpose, such as writing opinions, exchanging information or swapping images on special subjects. Although the main purpose of these communities isn't meeting people, you often acquire a *Circle of Friends* like on DooYoo or, if such a facility isn't provided, make a *mental list* of people you enjoy talking to. Such communities usually provide *profiles*, where you can tell others a little about yourself - even though people often don't give their personal details (photos, names, addresses) in their profiles, it still gives the community a personal touch and allows you to let people know what you're like.
It is easier to *get to know* people, as the style of writing, the opinions they represent and the things they choose to write about tells a lot about their personalities and characters.

~ *Messenger Software* ~

These
(usually free) programs, such as AOL messenger, ICQ or MSN instant messenger, allow you to put friends and family members on a personal list so you can exchange instant (and sometimes offline) messages, send files and chat with them whenever they are online. I personally prefer ICQ (More about that later), which can be downloaded from http://www.icq.com and has a great range as features, such as offline messaging, E-Mail client, various alert functions (online alerts if friends come online), brilliant search facilities (white pages), one-to-one/multi-user chats and free downloadable add-ons for your website, as well as effective blocking facilities that allow you to block messages with specific context or from certain users.
Apart from staying in contact with your friends, you can also look for people with similar interests, from your area or choose a random chat partner - a great way of meeting people from all over the world!
If the program allows it, I would recommend blocking out messages with sex-related content (as you can get spammed with sex links, especially on ICQ) and keeping your online status secret, so you don't constantly get bombarded with messages from strangers asking you stuff like *You like cyber sex?* or *What do/does your xxx look like?* - this may be amusing at first, but if you are trying to work (or write a DooYoo Op) it can get very annoying. I have met many nice people through ICQ, including my long-time boyfriend (see below) - but I had about a hundred times more messages from morons, so be carful!

~ *Message Boards/Newsgroups* ~

Similar to general chat rooms and online communities, newsgroups and message/bulletin boards have a purpose other than just meeting people. Mainly, they are about discussing certain subjects, ideas and topics with people who have similar interests.
Again, this is a great way of meeting like-minded people in a more relaxed atmosphere than relationship-specific boards, and the peopl
e you meet are often genuine and show a lot of their character in their posts/E-Mails.
A good messageboard community is http://www.ezboard.com, which provides thousands of message boards on various subjects - you can even open your own!

@~~ We met, sparks flew - what now? (My story) ~~@

Okay, so you've met someone on the Internet, you've exchanged a few messages/E-Mails and you feel there is more going on than just a friendship. What are you to do?

Here's one example - My Story:

I got ICQ in summer 1998, just after getting myself a laptop computer. A friend had recommended it to me and I thought I'd give it a try. I was a complete Internet novice and didn't know what to do, so one day I used the ICQ white pages facility to track down some people in the UK who shared my interests, mainly music (Big Beat) and sci-fi.
Among other people, a guy called *ahdkaw* popped up - he was single (but not particularly looking for anything), witty, had similar interests and most importantly - he seemed to be online at the same times I was.
At the time I was living in Switzerland (where I'd been born & bred), studying a subject I didn't feel happy with, desperately wanting to move out and to break up a disrupted relationship - I wasn't exactly happy with my situation.
In the beginning I would go online occasionally, and if both ahdkaw and I were online we would exchange a few messages. Then I had my first *Chat* with him - that is one of the greatest features of ICQ: You can open a chat window and chat EXCLUSIVELY to a particular person on your list, and even save your chats as text files (I still have all our chats saved on my computer!).

Then we started exchanging E-Mails, mostly to tell each other when we'd be online and available for chats, but soon we started talking about our daily lives as well. Our chats got more and more frequent and we talked about ANYTHING - what we had for l
unch, what we'd done in the past couple of years, what stuff we liked, what we disliked, what our future plans were and so on.
Neither of us noticed it at first, but somewhere on the line we *clicked*.
I think my MUM noticed it first actually - she had been urging me to break up with my boyfriend before (because we were fighting all the time), and now she noticed that I was getting very excited about using the Internet and went online religiously just about every night, with *glowing cheeks and a sparkle in your eyes* as she put it.
After a while, ahdkaw started giving me <<<hugs>>> when we said goodbye - this meant so much to me and I slowly but surely noticed that I was falling for him. ahdkaw on the other hand was falling for me (as his mates told me afterwards - he kicked them out on several occasions or left the pub early to *chat with that lass from Switzerland* ;) ) but was a little reluctant - after all, we lived in different countries, I was slightly younger than him and was studying Pharmacy - a five-year course of which I had only completed 6 months!

Then we started exchanging letters and tapes (of our own music collections), and finally we managed to scan in photos so we knew what the other looked like. In *real life* I started to miss him, I remember one particular event where I went to a Big Beat party with some friends and my ex (then still boyfriend, although we were fighting whenever we were on our own) and I kept thinking *If only ahdkaw was here, he'd really enjoy this music!*.
The more we talked, the clearer it became - we had very strong feelings for each other and wanted to meet each other *in the flesh* - but we were both afraid! What if we didn't like each other *in real*? Or even worse - what if we did? What would we do - we lived hundreds of miles apart after all!

The fact that ahdkaw didn't pressure me into splitting up with my (now) ex made it easier - I could split up with him in
my own time (I DID feel guilty because of my feelings for this *stranger* in Huddersfield!) and to my surprise, I found out that my ex was wanting to split up as well, as he had laid an eye on a South African exchange student who was staying with his best mate at the time. We could've saved ourselves so much fighting and pain if we'd both been HONEST with each other! So now I was single, with no plans for New Year - and ahdkaw promptly came up with a few ideas how we could spend New Year together. He rang me up from his office (I liked his voice, and he must have liked mine too!), we exchanged some more letters, E-Mails, chats and photos and on Boxing Day 1998, after months of chatting and dozens of E-Mails I took a flight to Manchester Airport, where he was going to pick me up. We were both nervous - he because he was afraid I might just not turn up, I because I was afraid he might not come to the airport (although we had talked on the phone about it and we both just *felt right* - we KNEW).

But all worries aside, he did turn up - like a gentleman, he offered to *sleep on the sofa* so I could have his bed (I must admit that I was a little disappointed! ;) ). We had a few beers, watched *Discworld* all night long and finally ended up cuddling on the sofa, after hours of *moving a tad closer on the sofa* tactics. We spent the next couple of days cuddling, going out, visiting the few *tourist spots* there are in Huddersfield - and we soon knew that it *was right*, it just felt right!

After I returned from Huddersfield, we kept ringing each other up, exchanged more letters, parcels, E-Mails and chats and, after a great holiday in Brighton, ahdkaw visiting me in Switzerland and me going to Huddersfield again, we both decided that we wanted to find a way of being together. After all, a few weeks a year aren't enough and your bed seems twice as lonely and cold after you've just brought your loved one to the airport (*sniff*!).
I comp
leted the first year of my course, passed all my exams and decided to sign up at a college in Huddersfield for a two-year IT course, something I couldn't do in Switzerland because IT courses are very rare.

In July 1999 I moved to Huddersfield temporarily for a month, to see how we got on actually living together, then I signed up for my course and went back to Switzerland to sort out everything there. My parents fully supported me, they knew me and ahdkaw well enough by now to see that we were *good for each other* and made each other happy, and they were somewhat glad to finally have their flat to themselves ;)
In August 2000 ahdkaw bought his own house, and after a year of sharing a cold 1-bedroom flat (with shared bath), we moved into a lovely house with our little cat, who had *joined* us earlier because his owner had to give away two of her four cats.

I stay in contact with all my friends in Switzerland, both over the phone and (ironically) the Internet - my parents got themselves a PC immediately after I left and surprised my with a *Happy Birthday* E-Mail on my 21st birthday!

At the same time that ahdkaw and I first met up, one of his friends went to America to meet a woman he had met on AOL - they are married and living in the USA now! (He left about three months after I moved in with ahdkaw)
But not all Internet relationships work, I have a friend who has had several relationships with girls on the Net and none of them was particularly successful. A girl in my college course met an American Pakistani in a Pakistani chat room and ran away to see him last year, as her parents are very strict and wouldn't have allowed the relationship - when they found out where she was, they followed her and forced her to marry the guy!
I guess she is happy (at least she got married to someone she loves), but I personally wouldn't advise you to jump the gun and move in without getting to know each other first!
So, to con
clude this opinion, I will sum up a few things that should be considered when you *click* online!

@~~ How to make it work ~~@

1) Don't just trust anyone, but listen to your *gut instinct*!

If you are new to the Internet, get to know several people first and also *talk* to people you know in real life on the Net - this will give you a little practice in recognising someone's personality online!
Exchange photos, if possible ones that are taken by mates, in everyday situations (like at the pub etc) - those are harder to *pretend* and also show you what kind of people he/she hangs out with. If you decide to meet up, talk on the phone first.
Compare the way the person speaks on the phone to the way they behave in chats/E-Mails - many people *put on* a cool façade or make themselves look more romantic, witty or clever than they are, which is easy to keep up in E-Mails.
Be more carful with people you meet in dedicated dating chat rooms or message boards - many people go there just for a laugh, aren't necessarily honest and such places can also attract *pervs* or generally people who are just looking for a flirt - not ideal conditions for a long-lasting relationship!

2) Be honest, but don't give out too many details!

If you fall in love with someone, you'd expect them to be honest and not draw a false picture of themselves - so do the same yourself! Firstly, be honest about yourself: Don't tell them you look different, are a different sex or age than you really are! Many people have got hurt because they fell in love with a false image and then found out the truth.
If you fancy someone, and they don't seem interested, pretending to be *better* than you are might attract them for a while, but if you're after a relationship with that person, it's your personality and character they have to fall in love with, not a false image you give of yourself. That is one of the greatest thin
gs about meeting a partner on the Net - you get to know their personality BEFORE you get to know their looks, so relationships are based on character and interests rather than superficial traits like looks, clothes etc.
When it comes to sharing your details - be VERY careful! Don't leave too many details in your profile (on messengers, in communities etc.). It's okay to tell your name or show a photo but liberally giving out your address or phone number can be very dangerous - after all, you never know who ends up reading it! Once you *click* you can still share your details but don't be too gullible - maybe you can get in contact with one of his/her mates via E-Mail (if he/she refuses to give you their E-Mails then that could be cause for concern - are they really who they pretend to be?) first, that way you'll soon find out if he/she is for *real*!

3) Think long and hard before taking the plunge!

If you decide to meet up face-to-face, make sure that you have that person's address and if possible the address of some of their friends or family there (I had ahdkaw's parents' address and phone number) and talk on the phone beforehand.
Don't start a long-distance relationship if either of you isn't willing to change their lifestyle, move house or commit to a long-term relationship - you're only going to be hurt or hurt your online romance in the process!
Should you really find the *love of your life* like I have, don't hurry when it comes to moving in with each other.
I know how difficult it is to say goodbye, knowing you won't see each other for a couple of weeks or even months - but you have to get to know someone properly before you take the plunge and move in with each other.
Allow yourself plenty of time to get to know each other, go on holidays together, visit each other several times, if possible not just for a few days - you'd be amazed how quickly people *change* if you a
re around them 24/7!
Should you decide to move in together, choose wisely when it comes to deciding who makes the move - in my case, I had an opportunity to get an additional education, I had always liked the UK and my English is pretty good. I had a few good friends in Switzerland, but no major obligations, whereas ahdkaw works for his family's company and doesn't really speak German - the choice was obvious!

@~~ Conclusion(s) ~~@

Not everyone you meet on the Internet is what they pretend to be - but if you are careful and use your gut instinct, you can meet wonderful people that you wouldn't have possibly met in *real life*.
The Internet is a great opportunity to meet *the one* for you, as you get to know the personality of a person first and Internet relationships are often based on common interest rather than looks. It broadens the amount of *suitable* people immensely, and with a little luck, courage and *bite* you can end up with the man/woman of your dreams, even if they live in the opposite end of the world!

ahdkaw and I have been living together for nearly two years now, we are still very much in love and we *might just* get married some day... I will be forever thankful to the friend who told me about ICQ, and I regularly read through our old chats (with a tear in the corner of my eye *sniff*) because I still can't believe that something as wonderful as this has happened to me!

Don't let horror stories discourage you - if you are careful and act wisely, you too could find the love of your life in cyberspace!
(Yeah and it makes for a great story at dinner parties, too! ;) )

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UPDATE:

As of 9/6/2001, Redhead23 is now officially 'Mrs. Ahdkaw' :-)

We had a small but joyful ceremony at the local register office, which was attended by about 30 relatives (including my parents, my godfather and my auntie, his wife) and c
lose friends!

UPDATE OVER

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