Maybe - my story and advice (Have you found love on the internet?)

Member Name: a-true-ben

Product:	Have you found love on the internet?
Date:	28/02/04 (217 review reads)
Rating:

Advantages: Love

Disadvantages: But you can't be with the person you love

Some of you may already know that I?ve been in an online relationship the last four months. I finally met my girlfriend, Emily, the other Monday (09/02), when she flew in from America for a holiday, so I thought now would be a good time to tell. I've heard enough horror stories about internet abduction, so my social conscience compels me to add advice to my story. I hope you find both useful!

Meeting Online

Meeting people in bars always seemed intimidating to me - how do you know if someone?s single, interested, not psycho and sharing your interests? Well, a good way I suppose is to meet through a friend. The same can be true online - meeting ?sexybabe69? in a chat room probably isn?t the best way to a long term relationship.

My girlfriend arose out of www.uk-fusion.com (see my separate review of that site). It?s an online magazine covering mostly music, and Emily and I both write for it - meaning we basically met through a shared interest and mutual friend (the editor Affie, who introduced us both to Fusion). The site has an associated messageboard, and that?s where we first ?met? as it were. Obviously I?d seen Emily around; but what really started things off was when Affie made a post about how much dirty email she got (porn, viagra, penis enlargement, etc). After Emily and I both replied saying we didn?t get it, she emailed me to suggest maybe we should send each other dirty email?

Getting to Know Them

At first, Emily and I just spent a few weeks sending irregular emails, in the same way as I keep in contact with other online friends over the country. We realised we had a lot in common though - both having studied in Oxford for example (she was a visiting student 1996/7). The ?about me? questionnaires that have been so popular on Ciao are one way to get
lots of little questions about them answered. Photos are a good idea too - if you have any online or can send JPGs etc. (Obviously, make it really you - if you?re p
lanning to meet anyway it?s a really BAD idea to lie about anything at this stage, as with all relationships)

I recommend not limiting yourself to email either. At first, a chat room or messageboard may be fine, then email; but you?re likely to want to progress to instant messenger, real letters and phone calls. Be careful when giving out addresses and phone numbers - that scared me a bit at first (indeed, first time I let her phone me at work), but you can generally be more revealing as you get to know someone. It was Emily who got me to download AIM (AOL instant messenger), and I?m glad I did - real time conversation is much better.

Is there a Spark?

One of the hardest things to tell when you think you?re falling for someone is whether they feel the same. In real life, you can normally rely on body language, but online this can be even harder. If you suddenly find yourself spending a LOT of time talking to someone, and them likewise, it?s probably a good sign they like you. If one of you goes away for a weekend, and you miss each other, then that?s another good indicator.

In my case, with Emily, we knew there was a strong probability she?d be visiting the UK - and therefore meeting me - in February. Our conversation soon turned to ?we?ll be friends, maybe more? when we meet and then a mutual expectation we?d be getting together.

Taking the Plunge

In our case, it was on the 3rd October 2003 we decided to make things ?official? and declared ourselves boyfriend and girlfriend. Obviously we weren?t really ?going out?, but we were both making the same presumptions about what wo
uld happen in February, and neither of us were about to do anything else in the meantime (even though I was just going to university freshers? week).

This commitment is a big step if it?s someone you haven?t met. All I can say is, don?t take it lately and consider it really carefully. It?s one thing to be flirting with a potential gir
lfriend, another to have an attachment to an actual one. Remember how many established couples are broken up by distance - you?ll miss most of what regular couples have (actually being with each other), and you?ll find it hard if, say, the other has a bad day you feel helpless not being able to offer any more comfort than perhaps a phone call. Think, also, how you?d feel if, for example, they or you kissed someone else. If you?re an official couple, this matters - indeed, there?s generally more strain and pressure on you. Emily and I both regretted the decision at times - even from quite early on - but in the long run I think it worked best for us, as it kept us together even through some arguments and bad patches where, without it, we may have gone separate ways.

Spreading the Word

Telling your friends and family is likely to be problematic, especially depending on your circumstances. A lot of people who know me know I have a girlfriend, and most that she?s in America. It?s only really a few close ones that know the full story (that I was ?going out? with her 4 months online before meeting), and even they reacted quite differently. Be careful who you tell, and don?t be afraid to be creative or economical with the truth - I?ve told many people we met through a friend (Affie), without expanding on the whole circumstances?

Proceeding from Here

Once you?re a couple, distance becomes more and less of a problem - more because you lose out on each other?s actually being there (kisses,
snuggles, gazing into each others? eyes - I?m not just talking dirty stuff) but less in a way because the commitment can give you a new sense of togetherness and security. As I said earlier, carry on with letters, phone calls and the like - in much the same way as a normal couple split over distance. Remember in this day and age the internet?s a great tool - I found I could send gifts from CD-wow to America with no extra postage and payment in £ sterling (
I sent her The Darkness? ?Permission To Land? early on - ?I Believe In A Thing Called Love? is ?our song?)

If your relationship is long distance, then you need to consider how much potential it really has. A platonic e-penfriend is one thing, but a real relationship will require at least one of you to be willing and able to travel as often as possible. The trans-Atlantic case of Emily and me was obviously much more problematic than if you both live in UK. Thankfully, as I said, Emily had been to the UK before - in fact, she?d enjoyed it so much she?d long planned not just to visit (friends like Affie), but hoped to move here. Her current February visit was expected (though not booked) before we committed.

Meeting

If a relationship?s going to work, you have to meet eventually. I have to admit, this (ironically) almost broke us apart. We were both very nervous about meeting, and the month beforehand was generally not such a pleasant time. Just two days before coming, Emily was saying she was no longer looking forward to visiting the UK and only coming because she couldn?t get her money back (I hasten to add, this wasn?t all my fault - she?d found the arranging things stressful and had her plans messed around by other people too).

At first, Emily was due to be met by someone else at t
he airport - this had been slightly out of our control - but it was this that fell through late on. Emily insisted she didn?t really need to be met at Heathrow, but I?m very glad I did go - even if it meant getting up at 4:30am, getting the train into London and skipping a day?s lectures. My advice, should you be in a similar situation, is make sure you do all you can. Also, arrange things properly - Emily hasn?t got a UK mobile, so while she could phone me, I didn?t know if she?d be waiting at terminal three or have made her way to the Heathrow underground station when I arrived (unfortunately her flight was early, so she got to Heathrow 20 minutes befo
re me).

Try to arrange something to do when you first meet as well, to take the pressure off and give you something to talk about. We had a couple of hours to get from Heathrow to Piccadilly (giving us some time to get to know each other), then we were both meeting Affie - which made the whole one on one less scary. Also don?t forget you?re not necessarily going to be on top form at first - we were both nervous, and Emily tired and jet-lagged. By the time we were on the train back to Oxford, we were making out though ;)

The Future

It?s too early to say whether we?re forever, or whether the past few days have owed more to mutual lust/horniness; but I can say Emily and I (after months of ?I almost love you?) are probably finally there. We haven?t slept together yet, but we?re amazed how fast things have moved and how comfortable it?s felt. Imagine combining that early can?t keep hands off each other phase with four months of knowing each other - it?s good! Funnily enough, we?ve both changed a bit too - for example, she told me before she doesn?t like holding hands in public as it?s possessive, but she does it with me. We miss each other like crazy, e
ven when she just went for a day in London, so we know it?ll be hard when she goes back Wednesday. At least now we know we do like each other, so it?s worth the effort - hopefully the next few months will be easier than the last. As for ?happily ever after?? Well, the next thing to worry about is her getting a work visa. Keep your fingers crossed.

Advice (Quick Summary)

Remember not everyone on the internet is who they seem. Be careful who you meet online, and especially who you give details to or meet offline. When meeting offline, it may be best to take a friend with you - at least make sure someone knows where you are and when you?ll be back. My own experience aside, I know online relationships can work; but be very careful what you get yourself in for - they?re probably even more work than any other relationship

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