An Age Of Consent (How to Discipline Children)

Member Name: marandina

Product:	How to Discipline Children
Date:	05/02/02 (468 review reads)
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The government continues to dither over whether to bring in legislation to regulate the smacking of children. In the meantime, child abuse remains a high profile tragedy that blights the parental landscape. Until the lawmakers make their minds up regarding the possible imposition of nanny state values, it's up to each individual parent to consider what is right and wrong and where to define the boundaries around the application of discipline.

This debate came alive for me a few years ago when I was discussing it with my sister-in-law. Her view was that children's behaviour should receive constant correction through varying degrees of smacking. Whenever her children did something she didn't approve of she would apply her own version of corporal punishment. This might be a smack on the hands or something more severe depending on what the situation was. During the conversation she outlined what may be the common argument for smacking.

The case for:
 Her first point was the usual one that her parents had applied this sort of discipline with her and, after all "Look how she'd turned out?". The inference was that she had been moulded into a better person by the ongoing application of corporal discipline.

 She felt that this was a deterrent and did work for her. Either the threat or actual punishment would deter the child from either misbehaving at the time or prevent future misbehaviour following the admonishment.

 The child's behaviour was changed after the application of a smack to that which she sought as acceptable. The association of an unpleasant experience with certain types of behaviour would enforce a conformity, which she could control as the parent.

 That the child would grow up in a disciplined environment that would teach them to respect their parents and other people too. By the time they came to venture into the big, bad adult world, the child woul
d have learned the ethics of respect and be able to hold that set of values to the betterment of the child/adult and everyone that he/she came into contact with.

So how compelling is this reasoning? In my view, not very. My position on this revolves around an age of consent and can be summarised below:

 The question I ask is "At what age is it no longer acceptable to hit someone? After all, I don't know too many folks that would accept someone striking them. Wind the clock back and work out at what age you felt that you deserved this respect from others. I would contend that there is NO age and that, on the whole, smacking has no part in modern society.

 The point about your own upbringing strikes me as somewhat irrelevant too. In this case, my sister-in-law is a person that has low self-esteem. She lacks confidence generally and I struggle to see how she can vindicate her argument by looking in the mirror and proclaiming herself a big success. This isn't intended to criticise her as a person but merely contest her view that she has somehow benefited from a strict regime of punishment to turn into a balanced, modern day butterfly.

 A deterrent? Her kids really don't appear fearful of being smacked. I suspect that like an insect adapting to a routine insecticide, they build up immunity after a while that comes from being conditioned to a recurring set of circumstances. The dark side of this is where the punishment is gradually increased to ensure an impression is made resulting in downright violence forced upon the child.

 How does this influence the child's current and future behaviour? I suspect it increases the chances of them applying a similar set of values with their children later on. I haven't seen any evidence at all to suggest that her children are in any may more respectful. In fact, the opposite appears to be the case where the ultimate sanction just no l
onger has any effect.

***My own experience***
My father was a violent man. He was kicked out of the family home at the age of 15 and joined the merchant navy. His father was a strict disciplinarian and was generally labelled a martinet. A combination of childhood factors and a set of values determined by the rule of fist in the navy meant that my father rarely solved issues by discussion. This approach boiled over into other areas of domestic violence, which probably belong in a different opinion. What I need to know is that is my aversion to smacking an overreaction to being brought up by a man prone to violence or in what cases is smacking really merited? If there are cases, when and how is the smacking applied and after what age is it no longer acceptable?

This issue means a lot to me. It can be encapsulated by a conversation I had with my father at the christening of my son. We were standing outside having a cigar each and I told him that one of my ambitions in life was to have had a son. He was delighted that I had confided in him. For many years it was easy to hate him and I somehow felt the need to tell him about this ambition. Ironically, we did find a sort of lasting peace in his later years through the mutual adoration of my children. However, I didn't tell him that I had always wanted a son so that I could right the wrongs that he had forced upon my brothers, my mother and myself.

Things have worked out for me since leaving home. I have a wonderful wife, 2 beautiful children and a great job at which I am disgracefully overpaid for what I do. I have tried to make sense of rearing children and their lives fill me with joy. My own interpretation of punishment is very different to my sister-in-laws. Before I list the sorts of things I feel are more relevant I must point out that I am no angel. I have smacked my kids as a last resort but in nearly 10 years you can count these occasions on the fingers of one hand.

***
Alternatives to smacking***
 My son can be extremely difficult and seems to have inherited my dad's hair-trigger temper. He is always in trouble at school and this often involves violence. Bare in mind he is only 6 but you can imagine the worry that this causes for his mom and myself. We send him too his room on occasions and this does eventually calm him down. You aren't really supposed to send the child to their bedroom as it isn't a neutral zone and they may find toys to play with or otherwise occupy themselves. Ideally, the room should be totally neutral and have no attachment for the child. In the case of a bedroom, it's where the child sleeps and you really don't want the bedroom associated with punishment. In my case, there was little alternative but I suppose we could use a different bedroom.

 Similarly, asking a child to sit on a chair in silence can diffuse a situation. They soon get bored and will start to harass you to let them down. It's funny how quickly kids get fed up and how agonising it can be for them to be unoccupied. To apply the discipline correctly you should set a time and stick to it so that the child knows that you will carry out the punishment properly.

 Children are still developing their boundaries of right and wrong at a relatively advanced age. If a child does do something wrong, often they won't know that it is wrong unless they're told. Try making sure that you take the time to point out that something is unacceptable and the reasons why. We all learn from experience and kids are no different. They will soon build up a bank of experiences that should combine to produce a definitive catalogue of right and wrong.

 My lad has a chart, which is broken down into days and hours. Each time his behaviour is deemed as good he receives a sticker in the form of a smiley face. We know he responds to this, as he got upset last year when the teacher s
uggested we didn't need it anymore. Of course, the flip side of this is the chart becoming a crutch and him only behaving acceptably to satisfy the needs of the chart. He has 2 charts – one at home and one at school and we are sticking with it for now until we see a prolonged improvement in his approach.

 Rewards are another way to cement a positive behaviour. If he has consistently behaved during the week then we may take him swimming or to the cinema. By association, he will know that his good behaviour has been recognised. The reward will usually be given at the end of the week to ensure that he considers behaving well for as long as possible.

At times we think we've cracked it and will be told by his teacher that he's been great. Other times he suffers a relapse and we get feedback again about his latest misdemeanours. I have to believe that we are doing the right things and I am totally convinced that smacking would not help.

***Conclusion***
My question remains the same. For those that believe in smacking then at what age does it become unacceptable? Other associated questions include: "Should we have legislation brought in to regulate smacking?" "Where is the borderline between smacking and abuse?" and "How effective are non-smacking regimes?"

Love is often sited as the crucial factor in bringing up children. This is a moot point for me. I love my kids but fail to see that this can be a deciding factor in the application of discipline. I guess it makes a difference in the long haul but whether you smack or not, the incidence of love is a given and is still just as relevant if you do smack.

One final observation is that foster carers have to sign a contract to confirm that they will not smack children in their care. Often, these children have been the victims of abuse and this may be the reason for the ban. In their case, it can be traumatic to think that
they have entered another world of violence from which they can't escape. What is the difference between this policy and the reasons for it and a global recognition that smacking should be banned?

There is a raft of child psychology books available to help parents with difficult children. Check out Amazon.com or Whsmiths.co.uk. Also, there is online help available at psychedconcepts.com who specialise in books of this nature.

I look forward to fielding any comments and am interested to know what people really think.

Thanks for reading.

Marandina

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