Let’s have some dignity, please (How to Discipline Children)

Name: Shazzy

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Product:	How to Discipline Children
Date:	20/03/02 (105 review reads)
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I realise that this should really be a debate about whether or not children should be physically punished - smacked - or not, and whether physical chastisement works, but I don’t really want to get into that argument. I don’t smack my children - that’s my choice. Perhaps you do. I’m not about to tell you that you shouldn’t. What I want to talk about, is the way in which punishment is carried out, regardless of whether it’s verbal or physical punishment. It’s this side of the discussion that seems to be neglected, even though it’s probably the side that’s most likely to cause long term psychological damage.

It’s a rare occasion that I visit a shopping centre without seeing a child humiliated in one way or another. Children are just like the rest of us - they make mistakes. They even make lots of them. They’ve still so much to learn so it’s pretty obvious that they’re going to make some proper bloomers now and then. Would you feel that you were being fairly treated by being punished for a mistake that you honestly didn’t know you were making? I know I wouldn’t. And yet children are shouted at, told that they’re stupid/idiots/clumsy oafs and more often than not, a hand comes down and leaves a stinging red mark on the back of the poor mite’s legs. Why? My guess is it’s the parents’ way of trying to show any onlookers that they don’t let their children get away with unwanted behaviour. It’s probably well meant, but nevertheless damaging for the child’s self-esteem.

Here’s a good example. During a recent visit to the supermarket, I almost knocked over a display of something or other. You know the displays I mean. Hundreds of tins all stacked up nicely and should you be unlucky enough to hit one with the corner of your basket – wallop! They’ll all come tumbling down. I don’t remember what this particu
lar pile was displaying, I just remember the moment when I thought the whole thing was going to collapse, make a hell of crash and dispel itself up numerous aisles. Luckily, it didn’t happen. I had a friend with me who was quick enough to grab a few and stop the dreaded scenario from being played out. We laughed a bit and that was it. Nobody gave the matter a second thought. No harm was done, and I’d certainly not done it on purpose.

Anyway, earlier today I was back in the supermarket and saw a child do more or less the same thing. The little girl was about 7 or 8 and as she rounded a corner, a bit on the quick side admittedly, her bag caught a couple of tins. Mother leapt in, grabbed the tins, balanced the display, and again, no harm was done. Not to the display anyway. How the little girl must’ve felt is a completely different matter though. “You silly little cow! Why can’t you look where you’re going for once? If those tins had come down you’d have been picking them up until next Thursday!” The little girl burst into tears and tried to say sorry but mother just grabbed her hand, dragged her off and continued to rant at her for as long as I could hear them. Is this sort of thing really necessary? Why should children be made to feel inferior just because of a simple mistake, a mistake that’s probably been made by each and every one of us at least once? I’ve done it lots of times, and will probably do it again before I’m carted off in my box.

Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t think I’m perfect. I too lose my temper at times when I shouldn’t, and there have been times when I’ve told my kids off for something that was no more than a simple mistake, but all in all, I do try to assess the situation and avoid humiliating them. I don’t want my kids to feel that they somehow fall short simply by being human.

So what should you do? Just let them ma
ke their mistakes and say nothing? Of course not! Sometimes it isn’t necessary to say or do anything if you know that your child KNOWS he should be more careful, but still made a mistake (like me) but at other times a few words is probably enough. “Try to look where you’re going, darling. It would’ve taken us ages to clear up those tins if they’d all tumbled down” is often enough to remind the child that they must concentrate on what’s ahead of them, rather than looking at everything else, including their shoes. It also explains what the consequence would’ve been had mum not jumped in and saved the day. If the child repeatedly makes the same mistake, then obviously the parent needs to sit down with him/her and try to explain the consequences of their actions in more detail and suggest ways of avoiding a repeat performance. The most important thing here I feel, is that the child feels he or she is making the decision to try harder, not just being told what to do. We’re all happier doing things if we can do them voluntarily rather than by order. It’s a trick really, but it usually works.

The word discipline means “to teach” or “to show somebody how to follow you”. Would any of us really want to follow somebody who makes us feel inferior? Moreover, do we really want our children to believe, by following us, that humiliation is an acceptable way of making others conform to our own desired behaviour?

In short, what I’m saying is that regardless of whether we choose to use physical punishment or not, we should at least allow our children some dignity. As adults we have the power of guidance, but we also have the power to humiliate and belittle others. We shouldn’t use that power on anybody, least of all our children.


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