Even Judges listen to evidence before inflicting punishment. (How to Discipline Children)

Name: Johnny Phoenix

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Product:	How to Discipline Children
Date:	29/04/02 (87 review reads)
Rating:

Advantages: Understanding, Less Shouting, Less Paracetemol

Disadvantages: No Just Add Water Solutions

Before we even get to the main issuing of how we should be disciplining children, it would seem logical to look at the cause of their behaviour that necessitates the discipline in the first place. Instead of looking at this from the parent’s point of view as most of the opinions so far have, lets try to look at the situation through a child’s eyes.

3:30 p.m. – Got home from school, mum and dad are at work and won’t be home until 5:30pm as usual.

4:00p.m. – Watching T.V. all repeats, bored now, lets have a look in the kitchen, little peckish. Had two bags of crisps, mum doesn’t like me having more than one bag before my tea, so I’ve hidden one empty bag at the bottom of the bin.

4:30p.m. – Mum rang to make sure I was okay, told her I was bored, she told me to stop moaning and find something to do. Usual suggestions – Tidy my room, do my homework. I‘m too bored to do boring things, I want something exciting to do. I’ll put the Playstation on for a bit, can’t find the case for dad’s game, been looking for it for ten minutes, if I just put it carefully here on the carpet, I’ll put it back in when I’ve finished playing.

5:00p.m. – It’s rubbish on one player this game, I hate it when the house is empty, I know it’s not for long but it’s every day and I know it’s a sissy word but I get lonely. Time is dragging, I’m pacing up and down now, I can’t sit still I’m dreading the six weeks school holidays, this is going to be every day all day. Damn mum and dad for not being here, why can’t they finish work when I finish school so we could do stuff together. I’m not even allowed to have friends in if they aren’t home. Can’t go outside because its raining. I’m a prisoner.

5:15pm - I hate them, hungry but not allowed to use the cooker, bored but not allowed to have fr
iends in, why do they have to have all these rules. I’m going to have it out with them when they get back. I don’t care anymore, I’m going to have another bag of crisps and some coke. If they cared that much, they would be here.

5:30p.m - Mum and Dad got back, tried to talk to them, but they just said, “let us get in the door before you start”. They’ve gone to get changed now, I’m stewing thinking of all the things I want to say. Mum came down first, told me to clear away the crisp bags, tried to talk to her but she wanted to have a brew first. Dad came down and noticed the game on the floor. Forgot to put it back in the case. I tried to explain and apologise, but he wouldn’t let me speak, now I’m banned from the playstation for a week. Great ! one more thing I’m not allowed to do.

6:00pm - Mum and Dad are laughing in the kitchen, I try to talk to them, they let me get the first sentence out before they cut me off and tell me all I do is moan. I’m still pent up and annoyed and it must show through, because now I’ve been sent to my room for giving cheek and raising my voice. They never listen, how else am I ever going to get MY point across?

6:30pm - Tea is ready, can’t finish it because of the crisps. Mum says I’m not finished but I can’t eat anymore and I’m not going to force myself just to please them when they won’t even listen to me.

7:00pm - Sent to bed for the night now for giving more cheek, started shouting at them because they wouldn’t let me even get a word out without being interrupted. Do they even know how frustrating it is to have every sentence cut off?

7:30pm – I hate them even more now, I can hear laughter from downstairs but I’m not allowed to go down there, I tried at 7:15 and they just sent me back up and threatened to ground me if I gave any more lip. They told me to go back ups
tairs and think about my behaviour. But when are they going to think about theirs?

In my humble opinion a lot of children’s frustration is caused by us as adults, the above is just an example, but if you are honest, I would imagine there is at least one point in there that you can relate to as having done as a parent. It’s not just babies that need attention, it’s kids right through to being teenagers and out the other side. In our busy lives it’s too easy to have more important things to do. Once they have got past the cute stage, we look to the day that they will move out. But the most important years are those between.

With teenagers especially, the combination between nature causing confusing and scary changes and the small amount of attention we are sometimes guilty of showing them at this especially emotional time starts off a vicious circle. Because we don’t give them attention, they have to try new ways to get our attention and when they do, it is usually because we have driven them to an extreme to get it.

Do we then thank them or applaud them? No we berate and chastise them, so this itself becomes the only attention that they are capable of getting from us. At least this kind of attention is better than no attention at all. Better to be shouted at and know that you exist than not be shouted at all and doubt that we can see them. At least when you are shouted at you know you exist, at least the loneliness goes away for a while.

The root of the problem needs to be dealt with and once it is, they won’t feel the need to shock us just to get a little attention. Of course kids will still be kids and they will make mistakes and we will have to punish them for it so that they learn from those mistakes. But at least they won’t be driven by us to those mistakes in the first place and then punished for making them because they will learn nothing from that but bitterness, resentment and
injustice.

And bearing all of the above in mind, would hitting them therefore enforce the point we THINK we are making or weaken it?

The world is full of stories of “my dad used to give me a clip round the ear and it didn’t do me any harm”. But if that clip round the ear as a child was there to enforce authority and instil within us the fact that children are somehow second class citizens and should be seen and not heard. If that clip round the ear told us that adults should not have to tolerate their attempts to be heard, then that clip round the ear did untold harm echoing on through the generations.

If we condone violence as a solution just because it's the quickest method, this reflects on how little time we are actually prepared to devote to teaching them. By hitting them to enforce a point, we are condoning violence albeit in certain circumstances. We are saying that violence is okay as a solution to certain problems. But because we make mistakes as well and sometimes, we punish children even though we haven't really given them a chance, we just assume the worst.

The pain fades and leaves resentment, since resentment is unlikely to discourage further misbehaviour and the pain has already been forgotton, corporal punishment doesn't work anyway. I know because as a boy I got that "thick ear", occassionally a bust nose or slapped legs. I carried on regardless, because I knew that the fun to be had doing things I wasn't supposed to do outweighed a quick smack for doing them. Because once I'd been punished, that was it until the next time, but if i was going to get a smack anyway, i might as well do something worth getting smacked for. I just thanked my lucky stars that i never got grounded because that would have been unbearably boring. I knew why I didn't get grounded - because my parents preferred me to be playing out so they could get on with their busy lives so groundin
g me would just mean i was under their feet.

I’m not saying that no-one should ever discipline a child again, what I’m saying is maybe we should judge ourselves before we judge our children and bear in mind that they are not broken televisions and the “if in doubt – give it a clout” rule should not apply. There is no answer – water is still wet and kids will misbehave, but is listening to them once in a while really too much trouble for us?

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