Italy - a bunch of big girls' blouses (Italy National Football Team)

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Product:	Italy National Football Team
Date:	15/06/00 (22 review reads)
Rating:

Advantages: Your girlfiriend is suddenly interested in watching the game

Disadvantages: Inzaghi has not been shot yet

I'm sorry, but I can't hold back any longer. The Italian national football team have managed to get right up my anglo-saxon nose one too many times. They may be talented footballers, but I hope they lose soon.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but Euro 2000 is meant to be a football competition, not a catwalk parade. But here we have eleven azzuri strutting around in their oh-so-trendy turtle-neck shirts running their fingers through their greasey shoulder-length hair.

How does the pre-match preparation go: pysche up Pippi (a girl's name if ever there was one) by playing musical chairs to Tosca, dunk your head in a bowl of olive oil, put on your hair-band (yes, five of them were wearing them against Belgium), chisel your jaw and then mince out onto the pitch.

On scoring what was admittedly an excellent header, Francesco Totti then celebrated with the usual bout of heavy petting before taking out his fetching white hair grip, adjusting his beautifully coiffured locks and tying it back up. It was like watching Steffi Graff between serves.

At half time, I?m sure Mama?s eleven little soldiers all had a plate of antipasti and a quick ride around the stadium on mopeds shouting ?ciao? to each other and wearing sleaveless puffer jackets, before trying to pull the female parking attendants and buying flowers for the referee and those two lovely linesmen from Spain.

Back on the pitch in the second half, ?Nesta flicks back his fringe, crosses the ball to Totti, who scrapes a loose lock over his right ear, cocks an eyebrow and delivers a stinging cross-field ball to Fiori, who wipes a tear from his eye at the shere beauty of the pass, adjusts his hair-band and bangs in a superb 25 yard drive which beats the keeper and reduces the entire Italian team to floods of tears.?

As for Inzaghi, I cheered with joy as Johann Cruyff informed us that he did not rate him as a striker. He is not a striker, he is a whing
ing little Mummy?s boy who throws his toys out of the pram at every opportunity, never passes the ball, never scores from more than two yards out and has as much talent as Del Piero has in his little finger. His match-winning dive against Turkey was cynical, but unsurprising given that he and his even less talented brother were obviously Grade A students at the highly-rated Italian School of Football Acting where they studied for three years (whilst living at home with Mama). He should not be playing football. He would not last two minutes in the Premier League.

You will win, Italy, but not Euro 2000, probably a contract with Prada instead.

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