I didn't have any for nearly 40 years! (Low Self Esteem)

Member Name: SusanLesley

Product:	Low Self Esteem
Date:	06/03/09 (390 review reads)
Rating:

Advantages: None

Disadvantages: I felt as thought I was worthless

Low self esteem has always been a problem for me so I thought I would share my experiences with you to maybe help parents and the sufferers themselves.

Allow me to explain .................

I was brought up in a family with mom, dad and a sister 11 years my junior. I would say that I had a very happy childhood and was very close to both my parents being carer to both of them in the final years.

In our family dad was very easy going and was happy providing his three girls were happy! My mom was a kind, loving person but she did like to have her own way. We always knew when she was unhappy about something as she appeared to withdraw her love from us all (temporarily) and I was usually the one to find out what was wrong and to put it right if possible, thus restoring harmony to the home in general.

We were always one of those families who affectionately teased one another. For example my dad would tell me I could be a model and then add - for Toby Jugs! This was obviously joking and whilst, as a child, I understood it was a joke I do now think that it had a sub conscious effect on my self image.

My mom had never been praised by her own mom and so she never praised me for who or what I was or for how I looked. Obviously I was loved and always thanked when I did things to help. The idea was that I would grow up to be kind and helpful and not big headed and vain. I was in my forties before she finally told me that she was proud of me, although she did then tell me regularly how much I meant to her and how grateful she was to me until she died last year.

I was told that I was equal to others with the emphasis being on the fact that I was not better than other people. I was told that nice people stand back and allow others to go in front of them - so if there was a queue for something I should stand near the back and not push to the front.

We would sometimes visit my Uncle Harry (dad's brother) who had one son and four beautiful daughters and they would always ask me from the age of about 12 - are you courting yet? Of course I would answer no and they would say oh never mind. I used to feel so ugly. Mind you I did look very like Bessie Bunter until I was in my teens when I exchanged my round National Health glasses for nice frames and lost my puppy fat!

I grew up to be a kind, thoughtful person and, like dad, I am always happiest when those around me are happy - but I didn't think that I was worth much as a person and I certainly thought that I was ugly.

I remember one incident at a family party when I was about 35 years old. My Mom looked round the room and said to my sister and me - how did your Uncle Harry have four such beautiful daughters? It was a jokey question of course. Helen (my sister) replied - don't you mean how did Harry AND dad have such beautiful daughters? Mom looked quite surprised at this question and just said - no. Bearing in mind that I was at that party without my then partner who couldn't be bothered to come with me (more about him later) and so I already felt 12 again as my cousins were pitying me being on my own, this was the final straw and I adjourned to the ladies and sobbed my heart out!

My lack of self esteem had a direct result on my adult life and the worst 'problem' I had was my choice of partners. Due to the way that I had been brought up I never thought that I was good enough to have a good relationship although I didn't realise this until I was sent on a course from work by a (female) boss who realised that I needed help with self esteem in general. I was in my late 30's at the time.

The course was called Breakthrough and the main thing that it taught me was that I didn't need to be loved by everyone - after all we are always going to come across people with whom we don't get on - but what I did need was respect both from others and self respect.

Until I went on this course I had always thought that the theory that some people keep subconsciously choosing bad partners was silly. I mean why would we choose someone who was bad for us? I then finally realised that this was exactly what I had been doing. I had been taught to 'leave the best for others' and so I was choosing people who weren't good for me because that was all I thought I deserved.

I had by this time been married and divorced twice and was in a long term relationship with an emotionally abusive partner. We each had our own house and although he had to almost drive past my house on his way home from work he wouldn't give me a lift even when I had bags of heavy shopping because he would have to go through 3 extra sets of traffic lights if he did and it would be too stressful for him! He would visit me 3 times a week and I would cook him a meal, wash and wipe up and generally look after him. We very rarely went out anywhere together and I stayed in this relationship for over 12 years! I tried to get away a couple of times but he would be very loving for a day or two to get me back and I would fall for it as I didn't want to be on my own!

After the Breakthrough course I finally made the break and I decided to concentrate on being me, a good daughter, a good sister, a good Godmother and a good friend. I told everyone that I considered myself positively single and I loved it!

I had worked with a man named Dave some years before and we had always been great mates although nothing more as he is almost15 years my junior. His poor choice of partners was only rivalled by mine and we occasionally got together and both had a good moan about our current relationships. In 1997 we finally realised that we could probably make a good couple. We celebrate our fourth wedding anniversary next month! We respect one another, we are best friends and of course we love one another.

I still get down sometimes and feel that I am worthless and ugly but Dave gives me a good talking to and I feel better about myself again.

I hope that this hasn't been too much if a ramble for you to read but I would like to give some advice to all the parents out there. By all means teach your children to be kind and try not to let them be vain and big headed but don't just assume that they know how special they are - tell them!

Summary: Low self esteem can be reversed.