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Marriage - Is it outdated?

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      12.06.2012 15:41
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      I love being married - I would not deny that joy to anyone.

      According to Oxford dictionary marriage is "the formal union of a man and a woman, typically as recognized by law, by which they become husband and wife". But to most of us, it is a lot more than than having our union recognised by law. Divorce may be commonplace now, and I am in fact divorced, having made a rather terrible mistake in my youth in that department. Marriage may be meant to last forever - but there are time when - quite frankly one must escape. But barring extraordinary circumstances, I do feel marriage is life long commitment. Marriage is the foundation stone of a new family. It is promise not just between the two people who are joined, but to any children the couple will have.

      Being married is important to me. It is a part of who I am, and I take marriage very seriously. It may be old fashioned but the most important things in my life are being a mother and being a wife. It is a lifetime commitment in my opinion, and I do feel the children benefit from having two parents present in their life. That isn't to say many single parents don't do a wonderful job - and in some cases children are clearly better off with one parent gone - but ideally - I do think every child should have two parents who love who or her. Of course I realise many are not lucky enough to have even one who truly cares.

      I also feel that marriage does need to be taken more seriously, and the benefits system should encourage couples to stay married rather than encourage separation. A married couple is a lot more likely to get back on it's feet financially than a single parent who will need to juggle child care and work. I think people need to realise that the honeymoon won't last, those wild first surges of excitement do die down, but that a deeper stronger more meaningful relationship can take it's place. Things will not always go well, but true love to me is when you know all each other's faults and weaknesses and love each other anyway - warts and all.

      I do not class myself as Christian, I'm not always overly fond of organised religion. But I do class myself as believer, I read the bible and do my best, and that's all I can do. But I take a difference stance on marriage than most people of similar beliefs. This may be very controversial, but I think it is time to open marriage up to same sex couples as well. As important as marriage is to me, I realise that at one time people like both myself and my husband, who had also been married previously would have been denied the right to marry based on the belief that our marriage is a sin. This prejudice has long since died down in most cases, but the prejudice against same sex marriages is ever so much stronger. Of course I recognise that this a very controversial subject - and I respect those who completely disagree with me as well. But I am thankful that I was able to choose who to fall in love with, who to marry and who to start a family with. I can not feel comfortable denying the same right to others.

      Honestly, I don't know God's take on this. I don't understand a lot about God - I won't presume to make judgement calls for him. The thing is - I see lots of things every day I don't think God would like. I see people neglecting children - hurting people - really horrid things. But in questions of morality - I feel I must decide for myself and everyone else should do the same. In cases where some one is harmed then I feel society has a right to step in - but who is hurt by gay marriage?

      I've been reading up on this lately. It seems that allowing same sex couples to marry will weaken the bond of marriage. Evidence is given that children do best with two parents ( and I won't dispute this - I believe every child should have at least 2 people who love them - and preferably more! No - I'm not suggesting polygamy but my life would have been much bleaker without my Grandparents - the more people who love a child the better!). It appears that if we allow gay people to marry - heterosexual people will no longer feel marriage is special and may divorce leaving many children in single parent homes. Exactly how some one I have never met getting married is going to cause my husband and I to divorce - I just can't quite figure out.

      In all honesty - I can not see who would be harmed by same sex marriage. You can redefine marriage to mean anything you want - I'll keep my own beliefs and even if marriage were done away with as legal fact, I would still be "married" to my husband and our bond would be the same. But I understand the desire of others to have exactly what I have, to have right to call themselves a husband or wife if they wish, or simply a spouse-to have their love recognised. I do realise civil partnership conveys the same rights and responsibilities, and both marriages and civil partnerships can easily be dissolved now, but it almost seems mean and spiteful to say "you may have legal rights but your still a sinner and you can never have what we have". It is like saying they are still second class citizens.

      But while no one is hurt - what about all the children being raised by same sex parents - wouldn't they benefit from their parents being able to wed? And in very simple terms - if it brings joy to even a few people and harm to none - why not?

      Of course there is the issue of religion. In all honesty - I can not find the condemnation of homosexuality that is meant to be in the bible - and yes I have read it cover to cover, but my beliefs are my own and no one else's. I would not seek to impose my beliefs on another - I believe we each have free will. I firmly believe each faith and each minister, priest and rabbi has the right to decide this issue for themselves. I would wish any law permitting gay marriage to include a provision that no action could be taken against any religious institution or official that refused to marry two people. But I do think they have a right to religious ceremony if they wish, and they can find a minister who is willing. I am sure some clergy would agree and others wouldn't - it would not be too hard to find someone who was comfortable with the idea. Just as churches decide for themselves whether to allow divorced people to remarry, so this should be a matter for each church to decide on their own. At present time, few would sanction a same sex marriage anyway, but independent ministers would.

      Of course it appears this idea will be back benched again.The proposed changes to the laws would not have allowed any religious ceremony at all - only a register's office ceremony - but even that has people up in arms. The Tories are afraid of losing their conservative base - and I don't think they can count on Lib Dems in any future elections. In fact I can't really see Lib Dems existing in too many more elections. But I do think progress will come eventually. We live in a world filled with sorrow and pain - no opportunity to bring joy to it should ever be lost.

      I don't know how to give this a review a star rating - but I have settled on 5 stars. Marriage is worth 5 stars to me, but I wish everyone had the same rights to marriage.

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        15.03.2012 18:00
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        5/5

        I've been married for three years. I don't believe that marriage is at all outdated. I don't really care about other people's opinions on the subject matter as, at the end of the day, it's up to the two people in a relationship to decide how they want to progress that relationship. If they want to live unmarried together till the rest of their days, so be it! If they want to be married then good luck to both couples. Being in a relationship is hard enough without all the latest stigma on what people should or shouldn't be doing with their lives.

        Personally I think people should be married if they have the ingredients of a good relationship - and WANT to be married. I have previously written about my ex boyfriend. Well, he was completely against marriage and did not want to be married. Could I have been happy to live like that? No. And at the end of the day I'm glad I didn't compromise myself to suit him. I'm glad I got out of that poor relationship and into my marriage.

        I think it comes down to the individuals to make the decision because it is a life changing one, let me tell you! In a good way, of course, but a massive decision nonetheless and I think few too people actually take the time to think it all through and let their hearts completely guide them. This ends up in people not making it work and ending in divorce - I know not all divorces are a result of this, keep your hats on.

        I think as well with the twatty behaviour of some celebrities getting married and then divorced days later it just makes marriage into a joke. I take it very seriously and quite frankly after my ex cheated on me, broke my heart and totally screwed me over I didn't see myself trusting anyone ever again and didn't see myself getting married. Of course, as that's not life, I got over his crap and found someone better. It didn't take me too long to get over the way he treated me if I'm honest because I'd been putting up with his rubbish behaviour for a while, I was just so relieved when it did end that I found myself 'free' for the first time in years.

        I can't even imagine how crap a divorce must feel for someone who truly wanted their marriage to work, did all they could or thought their partner was someone else entirely. As for these celebs who rush into things head first it proves they are human after all - they can and will make the same mistakes as we do. Cut us and we all bleed red.

        For myself I was 22 when I got engaged. I remember thinking I was positively over the hill, which just makes me laugh to think of now! My husband had just turned 22 himself and by the time we got married I was 23. I felt absolutely ancient. Looking back now I don't wish I had waited longer to get married (we were engaged in December and married by early February! Lol.) I also don't wish for a big fancy pants wedding - my own wedding was low key, but perfect.

        My husband is the ideal kind of husband I would want. Gorgeous, sensible, caring, loving, open minded and very accepting of me and my many faults ;). Do we fight? Yes. Do we fall out? Yes. But the point is we WANT to make it work. And that's what counts.

        On top of this you have to completely open, honest and loyal. One little white lie can sometimes lead to bigger lies and on top of these lies we can find ourselves justifying all kinds of behaviour. Me and my ex-boyfriend used to lie to each other all the time and were absolutely not honest about what we wanted, but we plodded along for years because we didn't want to hurt the other person. All that did was lead to more hurt, which was the very thing we were trying to avoid. And to be honest I think this is what lead him to cheating on me - he told himself it would be okay to sleep with this other person behind my back, that no one would be hurt because she didn't mean as much as I did.

        Well, I got hurt. And it made me lose trust in him and lose faith in our future. I couldn't go through that again and so I re-trained myself to be more honest, more open and allow myself to voice what I actually wanted from a relationship. Meeting someone else who could do this was a happy coincidence.

        I think there is far too much pressure from all around us when it comes to relationships - it can sometimes feel like we're in our own personal 'Big Brother' show - but the point is that over the years you learn to tune out all the crap and just listen to each other - and at the end of the day, that's who makes a relationship. So if people want to think marriage is outdated, let them. For me, though, it is definitely on trend :).

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          15.11.2011 02:25
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          Not outdated for the right people

          If you can't dedicate the rest of your life to someone you love, do you really love them that much? To me, marriage is more than just an expensive ring, classy dress and a way to impress your friends as it might seem to be on most modern day marriage shows where brides compete to win a 'best wedding' prize. Marriage to me is a celebration of two people who are wiling to dedicate the rest of their lives to each other.

          Vows such as 'Till death do us part' seem to mean little more than 'Till we get bored of each other and file a divorce' nowadays. So why are so many people marrying each other then soon after divorcing? Did they not spend enough time with each other before deciding they would marry? Maybe it's just fashionable to marry someone you've known two minutes?

          Other reasons common for divorce include cheating spouses, again I don't understand why someone would dedicate their life to a certain person and then 'share the love' with somebody else, is one soul mate not enough?

          Don't get me wrong, if marriages aren't working out I don't believe that people should stay married and unhappy. But I also don't believe in jumping into a marriage before getting to know the person you think you're in love with.

          I don't think marriages are outdated I think modern day couples have their priorities wrong. If they're that much in love they should be united together through marriage but if they're not, maybe they shouldn't be together at all. Too many people marry for the wrong reasons, more people should marry for the right reasons.

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            12.08.2011 22:12
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            Marriage = love , respect, sacrifice, joy, committment

            I am getting married in a few months time and I've been thinking a lot before taking this decision. In my country we didn't have divorce until around a month ago when the law passed and still its not easy and there are many laws which wouldn't make it worth it.

            I believe marriage is not outdated and still important in a relationship. But a successful marriage is full of sacrificies and all about committment , respect and communication.

            I think that if you are married to someone, it shows that you are more committed to your partner. If you have an argument and decide to leave in the spur of the moment and you're married, you would think twice, its easier if there are "no strings attached". I think its like a more concrete "contract" between you and your partner that shows your committment to each other.

            Of course people have different opinions and some are just happy to stay in long term relationships without marrying and its fine, and the most important thing is that you love and respect your partner.

            Marriage is not something light, its something serious and not a quick decision to take. You have to be ready to give more than take, its hard and you have to be ready for committment. I think many people just get married because they know if something goes wrong they can divorce and its easy way out. It's also easier than trying to solve your problems and save your relationship which is not the way one should look at marriage.

            I've also noticed that lots of girls who are getting married (I've noticed this from some of my friends and work mates) become obsessed with their wedding, with the day, their dress and preparations that they forget the real reason why they're getting married, they don't know what to expect from marriage and they don't realise that their wedding day will be over quickly and the "wedding day" is not your married life.

            I think for kids its also good that their mum and dad are married and they have a traditional family although single parents can also be the best parents.

            I think getting married is a big step in a person's life and you have to be prepared for it.

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              20.01.2011 21:29
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              If your getting married or have been....Dont kill me :)

              Im kind of sat on the fence on this debate and keep arguing a point against marriage and then straight after coming with a reason for the other side but im hoping by the time Iv wrote this I can decide whether marriage to me has had its day

              My best Friend Laura is getting married to the love of her life a soldier who has just come back from Afghanistan and I can tell from all my time with her this one day in May is going to be the happiest day in her life and she hasnt planned a single thing to do with her life after that date due to it being only thing she cares about so clearly it makes people happy still.

              However In recent weeks Iv watched her struggle to go out and do things because she has had to put vast sums of money from her wages towards trivial things like getting slightly better quality invitations or buying ear rings that go with her dress. At the present moment in time weddings and hers in particular are making her unhappy and struggle through day to day life and this highlights that weddings are now too money orientated where companies are charging extortionate prices and magazines about how the day should go are pressuring couples to pay more to make the day better.

              Hundreds of pounds are spent on food for the guests with the couple being told that the day will be ruined if the food is not up to standard yet I can guarantee within a week or two none of the guests will look back and remember what they had to eat.

              Im not totally against weddings though because I think one day I will probably get married (hopefully) and it is nice that there will be one day where everyone is gathered together to focus on you and your other half's love for each other and It is the social norm after a relationship has reached a certain stage to move to the next level but does it mean as much as before.

              Everybody knows the terrible divorce figures nowadays but that shouldn't be a reason to not get married because just because say 60% of weddings end in divorce does not mean your's will but essentially when the day is older all you are left with is a ring each, some nice photo's and an empty bank balance

              My idea of the ideal substitute to getting married and all the big day with hundreds of guests big party so on would be a very small traditional ceremony with very limited guests and then the money saved along with extra's used to go away together and travel the world. Visiting places that you've both always wanted to go and experiencing the world the two advantages with this are you have a few months to remember rather then just a day and also the experiences and memories gained can only help make sure the relationship stands better chance of lasting in long run.

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                07.01.2011 22:56
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                thanks for reading

                As a newly wed Ive actually been asking myself it seems these days all you her about is divorce figures are rising which does sound scary for a newly wed but I know marriage was right for me. Yes a marriage is hard work but it was right for me.

                However I do realise that some people now are quite happy not getting married and prefer to stay in long term relationships and just living with their partners and it works for them and I'm happy for them. while I understand people will have their own opinions on the matter, my personal opinion is that every girl should have the chance of a big white wedding and saying their vows to the person they truly love more than anything else.

                what worries me now though is how sometimes people can just see divorce as a very easy way out of marriage and think its too easy to walk away from a marriage, I'm speaking from personal experience here as my sister is currently separated from her husband and theres a lot to consider.

                When i think of marriage i think of spending the rest of my life with my husband and joining in union in the eyes of God with him. i think because of the press and certain celebrities who you hear about have quite a few weddings sometimes the meaning of marriage is lost and it seems as a social event, which definately saddens me.
                In conclusion i think marriage will never be outdated as it worked for me, yes times are changing but i hope that people who are thinking of entering into a marriage don't do it so lightly.
                thank you for reading my review

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                  09.08.2010 21:59
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                  It's a choice everyone makes for themselves

                  I'm only 26 but I am very old fashioned in the way I think and it saddens me to think so many people are against marriage because of divorce figures. It's easy to separate and get divorced now which is why figures are so high but that doesn't mean to say that 100 years ago people were happier because they never got divorced, people just generally lived unhappy lives.

                  I recently got married so obviously my opinion is very much through rose tinted glasses. To me, our wedding day was probably the happiest day of my life, so far. We had a fantastic time! The sun shone and I couldn't stop smiling all day. Even in the morning as I got ready I had no nerves, I just couldn't wait for it to be 11am when I knew I was going to see my fiancé again after spending a night apart. I like the idea of committing myself to one person for the rest of my life. We had a beautiful church ceremony and I'm glad we did, I'm glad we had our marriage blessed in the eyes of god.

                  Don't get me wrong I'm not under any false illusion that we are going to live in marital bliss for the next 50 years - or however long. I know marriage is something you have to work at and there are going to be bad times along with the good but is it not worth it? When you find that one person that just seems so perfect for you and you want to share the rest of your lives together, why not? Children and mortgages are probably bigger commitments to make then getting married but people do that all the time without thinking twice.

                  I am very lucky that my parents are still happily married after 33 year years. My husband's parents are also still happily married after 40 years so it can happen - it can work! I don't think marriage is outdated it is just a choice people make. I chose to get married but I wouldn't judge someone for not getting married.

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                    26.07.2010 14:50

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                    it really depends

                    Even though I have never been married myself, (but I still have a feeling whether it's worth being married or not) so here I will express my point of review.

                    Personally, I don't think you have to marry to be committed, because my parents met thirty years ago while they were both living in London, and they are still not married and have two children aged 21 and 18. Even around this time, my parents met marriages were still popular and less divorces. Whereas more than 50 years ago, divorces were less common as all marriages were in churches and it was more expensive to travel abroad, and to to see your loved one you would either have to write to them or wait a certain amount of time before you see them.
                    As of today you can contact your loved ones by phone or social network, but this is bad thing for some couples as this can mean a person in a married couple being unfaithful and having affairs or seeing another person - more better? more attractive? more richer? Some people may have to work in different parts of the world/country and that could mean seeing less of your loved one. Divorces today, are the most common as they over more than 50 years ago? So do you actually have to marry to be commit? It is easier if you live with someone and if it all ends in a disater they can just move out rather than going through the process of divorce papers and how much money they want for that divorce. Look at Heather Mills - she wanted millions from her marriage to Paul McCartney back in 2008/9 and it went on forever until the divorce was finalized.
                    Overall, I does depend on the couple, some couples stay together until their death, some marry for a short period of time and end up in divorce (this could mean after a two week honeymoon!) But others loose another partner and re-marry.

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                    06.07.2010 00:22
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                    Keep it going strong

                    After nine beautiful years and one child my husband and I finely tied the knot 7 months ago! For me its not outdated its made us stronger than ever.

                    We traditional say 'it feels no different' but for us its completed our family and made us so close. We did it quite cheap around £3,500 especially with today's estimate £20,000!

                    *Why do people of today think its outdated?
                    Trust
                    Comittment of love
                    Its just a piece of paper
                    Too much money
                    Family issues

                    It won't ever be outdated as you can have all sorts of marriages now.
                    Church
                    Registry office
                    Public gardens/ pubs
                    Beach
                    Abroad
                    Hotels and many more.

                    You now have a choice on what you want and how you want. Some people I know still have it the traditional way either because they want to or their families want it that way.

                    I find it upsetting that people bully there children in what marriage they want them to have as I believe its the two that want to share their love and they should do it their way!

                    I would be gutted don't get me wrong if my daughter turned around and said she wants to get married in the carribean without family present but on the whole they are indivdual people and its there lives.

                    We should maybe start making weddings fun and not so seriousley that we get so stressed before the big day. I did kind of do that but the evening could of been more better. I don't know how? I always find people look scared or bored because they don't know anyone. Mind you all of my friends danced with me and got rather merry thats was brill!

                    *Why should it not be outdated?
                    To fight for your love
                    Keep familys together
                    Same family name

                    Todays society is far different than what it was like 80 years ago. From having spoken to my Grandmother-in-law who is 84 years old and if her husband were to be still alive would be there 64th year. They had 14 beautiful and very kind children together. She said the men worked while the women had the children and kept things going at home.

                    A lot of you will think thats sexiest and whether its sexiest or not we don't have that choice today anyway!

                    My great Granpa saved up for his house 90 years ago and up north it cost £900 well that was a hell of a lot of money back then but today not one of us could save up for house let alone a car we have to get a morgage.
                    To get a morgage we need a rather large deposit and in most households two are needed to work to pay it per month.

                    My great uncle said that his mother use to kick his father out of bed at 6am to do the gardening before work. I just about cope doing breakfast and getting myself dressed before work!! I asked why did he need to do the gardening and replied that they relied on the food they had grown so he had to keep on top to provide as much food as he could! I feel because they had nothing they understood how much they needed each other to survive.

                    This is what I believe to be the stress of people to committ its too hard. Some people have no desire to fight for love.
                    As you may have read in my 'infidelity review' my Dad left my Mum and the reason was................... oh there wasn't! He gave up and got with a new women behind my Mums back for 5 years and now moans about her!

                    My Mum loved him and that is why she married him and thought he felt the same way too. My late Grandad gave her away to someone he thought would take great care of her and he didn't he broke her heart.

                    It's easier not to committ then you can be who you want, with who you want or sleep with who ever and get away with it. No one would want to commit to someone they don't love as you can't love someone and do something like that?

                    Don't get me wrong I so understand if someone has changed or you just plain and simple don't love that person and feel it's ok to walk if you really have tried to fight.

                    A lot of people are quite happy and love each other and don't want to get married and its just a piece of paper that sometimes is the best way.

                    I feel marriage is important to the two that share their lives together and therefore should still be kept alive and I think it will.

                    Thank you for reading :-)

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                      28.03.2010 19:16
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                      Still valued in society

                      Marriage is the union of two people for the rest of their lives, for better for worse, richer or poorer. However, I do think marriage and the way society view marriage has changed over recent decades. In my grandparents day divorce was most uncommon and rarely heard of but nowadays it would be rare if you met someone who didn't know of a divorcee.

                      Marriage starts on the wedding day and that day should be one of the happiest days of your life as you give the commitment to your new husband (or wife) that you will share the rest of your lives together in front of family and friends.

                      Marriage takes work as there are always ups and downs in relationships, unfortunately with divorce becoming easier it is easier to throw in the towel. However, I do still think it's important to make the commitment and be a family, then when you have children in the future you have build a good stable ground ready for the challenge of raising a family.

                      It has become more accepted to live in sin, which seems to make sense to make sure you can get on with each other living together before commiting to marriage which could end up costly if it doesn't work out.

                      Marriage does seem to be popular though, although many people divorce and re-marry so it seems it's not the idea of marriage people don't like it's the marriage they are in at the time.

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                        12.02.2010 00:36
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                        in the review

                        I tried to raise a new catagory for this review but dooyoo insisted I write it under this one.

                        The Definition of Marriage

                        Marriage is a social union or legal contract between individuals that creates kinship. It is an institution in which interpersonal relationships, usually intimate and sexual, are acknowledged by a variety of ways, depending on the culture or demographic. Such a union may also be called matrimony, while the ceremony that marks its beginning is usually called a wedding and the marital structure created is known as wedlock.

                        Apparently the number of marriages in the Uk is at an all time low although the media says that marriage remains the most stable environment for bringing up children and unmarried couples are 6 and a half times more likely to split once a child is born............................Why is this? Most people don't really care about stats when deciding to marry or not so it must be the attitudes of people that live together, ie they don't see it as a permanent thing or as a commitment. Apparently a child of a married couple is more likely to do well at school and have less behavioural problems.

                        Personally I believe a child needs a loving, safe and encouraging home to perform to the best that they can and for this 2 parents do not need to be married in fact as long as they both support the child they do not even have to live together. People should not be grouped together all single parents etc. Maybe the unmarried couples that are more likely to split are the ones that don't want to make a commitment anyway and the people that are less educated for whatever reason and maybe don't work or are in poorly paid jobs. (No offence meant to anybody there are always a minority)
                        So why do people marry when divorce is on the increase - now this is a difficult one because people marry for all sorts of reasons. Some people have no choice and go into an arranged marriage which may or may not work - I will not comment.
                        Some (yes only some) marry for love.
                        Some marry because they want to start a family, to others it's their way of showing their commitment to each other, for others it's just the right time and for others it's because of the way the law is. There are many reasons.

                        Is there any difference between living together and being married???
                        That depends on the individuals and what their understanding is - a lot of people think when they marry things will change and everything will become perfect. Well guess what?? marriage is never perfect nothing ever is in life and if something is not quite right in your relationship then sort it before you even think about marriage.
                        If you choose a big wedding then it is stressful enough sorting it all out without worrying that the relationship isn't quite right....... Maybe, that's the problem with some people they push the things that they know aren't right out of their head and concentrate on organising their perfect day. Then it comes crashing down once they are married.
                        I know people that have spent nearly 40K on their wedding and honeymoon - is that sensible?? 40K deposit on a house or if you already have a house doing it up etc. Sorry I could not justify spending that amount of money on one day plus a holiday.
                        Not everyone spends a fortune it can be done quite cheap if its just the getting married that you care about. Maybe the people that spend a couple of hundred on getting married don't care about anything but being married.

                        If you live together it doesn't mean you have to fork out a large sum of money for one day although years ago the brides parents paid for everything for some strange reason thank goodness that doesn' t seem to happen too much nowadays. Some people say if you live together it's easier to walk away than if you are married........ well that depends on people; to me to live with someone is a huge commitment that I didn't go into lightly. In a way it means the same to me as it does to some to be married. I chose to live with someone because I loved them and wanted to be with them. We had joint finances (some married people don't share money) bought a house and then went on to have children - that is a commitment (although I understand to some it isn't)

                        To me the only difference between marriage and living together is it costs money to get somebody to say some words (and thats if you just get married) then get a piece of paper to say you are married. Add the money if you want to buy flowers, outfits cars etc ......... Getting married is one day that does not make a marriage.

                        Marriage and living together is different to me because that is what I chose, I lived with my now husband for 10 years and then we got married not because we loved each other ............................. we lived together because we loved each other, but we had a child and at the time (the law has now changed) if parents weren't married than the dad had no parental responsibility for the child, sorry but that was so stupid we were together longer than some people were married. Also we both had pensions that would go back to the state/work if you died but if you were married when you died then your partner would get some money. Well that wasn't on. So we decided to get married after living together for 10 years although we shouldn't have had to, we were happy as we were and so was our daughter. We had a small do etc but it still cost us a bit over £1000 ok some might think oh my gawd so little on your day - sorry but one day isn't the rest of my life. Plus it was a brilliant day anyway!

                        So if you are going to get married decide why, don't let it turn into a fantasy that costs loads of money you might need that money one day. You have to decide what is important to you. Getting married is one day being married is longer, that is the part you have to work at. Because we had lived together for so long we decided we didn't want anything to change it was working fine so nothing did change, neither of us expected any more from the other than we already had. I didn't even change my surname. Why should I. Some say because it's tradition but it's only tradition because people keep doing it, times change and new traditions are needed. You have to do what is right for you and if marriage is right for you then go ahead but please don't do it because it is what is expected!!!!

                        Being together can sometimes feel like hard work but if you love someone then you work through the bad times and be there for the hard times whether you are married or not; and that is what the problem is today, people only want to be there for the good times.
                        Being with someone is being there no matter what but not putting up with bad things from the other person.
                        So no I don't think you need to get married to commit to each other although some people do.

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                          03.11.2009 15:12
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                          I am pro-wedding but that's my choice

                          I honestly think marriage is what you make it.
                          If you are not religious but what to show that level of commitment to one person then you don't have to get married in a church.
                          Research weddings and find out what you need to make the ceremony legal, the rest is then upto you.
                          This is my personal plans (obviously my other halfs as well as we have discussed this so much):
                          We are having a registrar conduct the ceremony but with no mention of god as neither of us are religious in that way. Then we will have our own vows to read and put in a couple of very old traditions from our cultural pasts.
                          Then onto the reception, which is going to be a sit down meal and also, we are having it Mad Hatter themed so there will be a starter and then lots of over-sized sandwiches, cakes, bottles of bubbly etc
                          The party on the night will just be a party but, as neither of us are into pop music as such, the music won't be your typical party tunes. We're hoping to have David Bowie's Let's Dance as our first dance as we don't particularly like love songs.
                          This will all be held in a historic stately home or something similar and the clothes will also be more Victorian themed. I will be wearing a very dark blue Victorian dress with the bustled back and corsetted top. The bridesmaids will be in plainer, hopefully silver, dresses and he will be wearing a more Victorian styled suit.
                          I know all this is just the ceremony itself and it is just the formailities really but I see a wedding as a symbol of your life together, if you put effort into your wedding you can put effort into your marriage.
                          Me and my other half already act like a married couple even though, because of financial reasons, we are not living together yet. We make the effort everyday to tell each other that we leave each other and simple little things. We don't buy gifts for our anniversarys, instead we buy each other little gifts if we see something unique or just feel like it. We especially don't believe in buying things for Valentines day and we don't buy the most conventional gifts either.
                          It's all about taking time and effort, if you do that then I think you are onto a winner and I love the idea of marriage and lives becoming one but I understand it isn't for everybody. it is what makes you happy that counts. If you have had a bad experience and don't believe in marriage then that works for you and go with it, don't let someone tell you your opinions are wrong for what you believe in, your thoughts and feelings are never wrong.
                          All in all marriage fits with todays society and is relevant but nowadays we have the freedom of choice, 150 years ago most women had no choice in who to marry and men married to provide a fruitful union and to reproduce. Times have changed, marriage and weddings have changed but it is still there and still with us

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                          26.10.2009 21:49
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                          May everyone find happiness

                          Marriage - Is it outdated?

                          I think that this is a good question. In previous times, people tended not to be intimate until marriage, didn't cohabit or have children out of wedlock nearly as often as we do today. Marriage was seen as the union in front of God that then led onto all of those things, a shared home, life and family.

                          Today, there is not the same stigma about doing these things without being married. Divorce rates are higher (apparently as many as 1 in 3 marriages end in divorce) and having parents and even grandparents who are seperated in quite normal. The general view is that it is better to have parents who are happy apart, than miserable together. I think that I agree with this view.

                          So, is marriage outdated? I think that really depends on how you view marriage and what it means to you. I personally don't go to church (though I am not sure if I would say that I believe or disbelieve - that is another story entirely!) and do not feel that I need a certificate to demonstrate how I feel about my partner. We live together and I am really happy, I don't feel that I need to change that. If however, it meant a lot to my partner, I would certainly consider it, and if we had children, then I may also consider it.

                          However, that doesn't mean that I don't believe it is right for other people. If you believe in God and want to make that commitment to your loved one in church (or anywhere else), or if you don't want a religious ceremony but want to make that commitment, then I absolutely support that. Marriage should always be about the 2 people concerned, and if they wish to demonstrate their commitment to the world by getting married, then it is certainly not an outdated concept.

                          What I do think is a shame that while gay couples can have a civil ceremony, they cannot have a marriage. That is something that I feel is outdated. I cannot help believing that we should all have the same right to join the person we love in the union of marriage, should we wish to.

                          I think it is fair to say that commercialism has a big part to play in a lot of modern marriages. The fairytale dress, the perfect location, the showstopping honeymoon etc. Sometimes I hear how much people have spent on weddings and it scares me. I can't help thinking of what else that money could have been spent on. However, who am I to tell people what to spend their hard earned cash on, ultimately, if it makes you happy and you can afford it, then that is your choice. Don't lose sight of the real reasons for getting married, those should be the same whether you spend £100 or £10,000.

                          So in summary, is marriage outdated? Certainly not, to the people who wish to marry the person they love, how can it possibly be outdated? Hopefully, marriage will never be seen as old fashioned, and we will all be able to get married - or not, depending upon our own personal beliefs.

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                            26.10.2009 17:25
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                            If you love someone and you want to get married do it!

                            When I was little, at primary school, and the other kids used to be playing weddings in the wendy house, to be fair I could usually be found hiding elsewhere or being the pianist if I really had to get involved. While the rest of the girls tore each others hair out to don the adultsized, damp smelling, stained wedding gown, I ran as far as possible in the opposite direction. I hated it!

                            I then got a little older and started designing hand made cards, which soon led to hand made wedding stationary, which soon led to appearances at wedding fairs, AND then... I ended up caught up in the whole wedding industry buzz, buying extortionately priced magazines and attending every wedding fair in the area.

                            I would find myself totting up the cost of my perfect wedding, frantically scrapbooking away!

                            All until this weekend, when I read the Sunday paper magazine supplement and I read about Bride Post Nuptial Depression. Apparently when a bride has been planning her wedding for so long, it happens and then afterwards she has nothing, she can suffer from depression from the void which is left. Well when I read that I thought there has to be more to life than that! I am not going to let myself be a victim.

                            I believe in Marriage, and I think people should be allowed to believe in what they want when it comes to weddings, and 'is there any point' in getting married, but I also think that women (particularly) need to take control, realise what the day is about, and realise it's not about competing with other's for the most spectacular wedding, nor is it a sign of status.

                            I just want my big day to be a small inexpensive affair, with home made cake and home made food, a dress from George at Asda and me and my partner.

                            I think the symbol of marriage sums it all up, you place a ring on your partner's finger, as a symbol of your love for them, a ring which is an everlasting circle for everlasting love. So all you need is a ring and an official to carry out the service. The rest, well to be honest I've done a full circle in my attitude, and, although I can fully appreciate why people get married to show their commitment to one another, to celebrate their love with others, I would get married in a bin bag!

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                              09.08.2009 02:16
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                              Marriage isn't for me..

                              I personally don't believe in marriage anymore. I used to though, and I was one of those girls that wanted the big wedding with all my friends and family there to be part of it. In the past few years though, I've started to wonder, is it really necessary?

                              Although a wedding is seen as the ultimate way to tell someone you love them, I think of this like Valentine's Day. I don't believe that a day should have been invented to tell someone you love them. If you love someone, tell them often and don't feel forced into it. I feel that weddings now are all about how expensive and lavish they are instead of what really matters. Do you really need to spend thousands of pounds just to tell someone how much you love them? One of my friends spend nearly £12,000 on their wedding day which is utterly crazy. I would rather spend that money towards a house for many years, rather than waste it on one day and get into debt for it.

                              I don't think that a lot of people get married for the right reasons anymore or they get married way too young. Although a lot of religious people get married without living together first, I don't think I could ever do this. I've lived with 2 boyfriends now (not at the same time of course!) and they are now both ex's. It wasn't all because we lived together of course but I think this is the only real way to see if two people are compatible or not. Living together can make or break a relationship and I just dont believe that you can really know someone until you do this. Just imagined getting married and then realising being with someone for so much time a day drives you utterly insane!

                              I think the main reason that I don't believe in marriage is that I don't believe in divorce. There is a point in the 'death do us part' line in the vows and I don't think the aspects of marriage should be taken lightly. If you are prepared to say these words in front of an audience, then you should be prepared to stick by them. The only way I think divorce is acceptable is if there are some major problems in the marriage like abuse etc. People shouldn't rush into marriage if they are just going to end up divorced. I really respect religions that do not condone divorce and the ones that will not let you remarry in a church. I know a lot of people will disagree with me on this but at least they believe that marriage is for life.

                              I really don't think someone who is 18 or 19 really knows what love is, or could have been in a relationship for long enough to know what their other half is really like. As I said before, living with someone for a while first will answer a lot of questions about someone.

                              Obviously I won't say I will never get married, because you never know what is going to happen, but for now I wouldn't want to. I know some married couple's that are very happy but is their happiness based on the fact that they had a wedding? I doubt that. I don't feel that a piece of paper will enhance or say 'I love you' more than me saying it myself.

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