Marriage - Is it outdated? -No It's Fun! (Marriage - Is it outdated?)

Member Name: Machair1

Product:	Marriage - Is it outdated?
Date:	21/11/08 (102 review reads)
Rating:

Advantages: It is the closest relationship you can have.

Disadvantages: None but you have to compromise-or it won't last.

When two people come together to marry they are the product of many generations who have gone before them. It may not be apparent at the time when the first intense feelings of passion flood the relationship, but in time I believe that it is the core aspects of our personalities are which make or break relationships and test them over decades of life. These core aspects are made up of the way in which we have experienced our childhoods, the relationship we have with our parents, and our extended families, the aspects of our personalities which have been created from the many generations who have gone before us, but most importantly the person we feel we are inside.

So what do I mean by all of this and how does it fit in with the question "is marriage an outdated institution?"

Firstly a little of my experience and then my thoughts about marriage in general.

I was at school when I met my husband and it was after having several unsuccessful dates with different people that I soon realised we had something special. At the time I had no idea why and it is strange looking back because still together after 30 years life has thrown a lot at us and we have survived when others have not.
The main reasons for this are complicated but I think they highlight why marriage is not outdated, but that it needs to be treasured and watered like a vegetable garden.

When two people first meet everything is roses. You go out on wonderful dates and everyday is lived for each other in a new and exciting relationship. This is what bonds two people together. There are the little gestures- today the text messages which excite, then it was a precious letter received when we were apart. It is at this stage that many people commit to a lifelong partnership with the other person. In history this was marriage, today often it is not. With so many people getting divorced these days it is so hard to be confident that it will work and for many it is a piece of paper.

To me it is much more than that; it is a spiritual connection with someone who is my best friend with whom I share dreams, feelings and my innermost being. This is hard though because marriage is a partnership and it can so easily become a business. So how does the romantic dream become shattered when two people commit to the institution of marriage and why does this failure time and again contribute to the feeling that it is now an outdated institution?

This goes back to what I was saying about how each person is an individual. You have to be to survive it is no good marrying just to become Mrs X because you have to have your own identity. This is I feel what puts many off the idea. The notion that a few years down the line as a woman you will be cleaning windows on set days and feeling like Shirley Valentine, or as a man that you will have to give up who you are inside-no snowboarding holidays or biking trips. Somehow the idea becomes a chain round your neck and a sentence. It doesn't have to be but you must strive to retain who you are as an individual -this is critical to your survival. So is meeting half way and the dreaded word compromise. It may mean a few weekends away doing things you might not want to do for the sake of the other person who sometimes does them alone. It also means finding a common ground to do things together which are enjoyable and to keep up with the dates you always loved. What ever you do you have to see marriage as fun. We love some of the same bands and still go off to see them together, we go on camping trips to remote places and we spend a lot of time talking sharing feelings about many things.


The next thing is that you have to understand what I call the triangle of importance. For a marriage to be happy you must put yourself first. Not in a selfish way but in giving yourself permission to be you for a time each week. Then put your partner next and then your children if they come along and see this thought process as the most important pattern in the world. I see myself, my husband, and my children as being on top of a mountain near to the summit and a lot higher up than anyone else almost like an island. Why?- because in today's mad and busy world where there are so many demands on our time that it is easy to devote too much time to other people and forget what marriage means. I am not saying ignore your mum or your friends but making a lifelong commitment to one person is what it is- a lifelong commitment, and I think if you do this it is watering a relationship which will be wonderful.

In our case I have had to do this many times as we have a very busy life. We love our friends and it is easy to become busy and to forget what you got married for-each other. You have to put up the drawbridge sometimes and savour the time together on your own. It makes and keeps it special because in the early days you would have been doing this automatically without thinking.

This is especially important around the festive season when couples get split by demands from the extended family. We had this and I would say go with your joint emotions here, if you want a family Christmas at home then don't feel pressure to overdo the gatherings and parties. A lot of couples separate in January and I think this is because with a new year dawning they often feel they have no direction. To stay together you have to have a lot of faith that you are understood as a person by someone so deeply that they know you as well as yourself. This can't be achieved without devoting a lot of time to it.


Another thing which puts people off marriage is money. It's a big problem as different people spend money in different ways and how you are one year may change as you go through life -but it splits people up like nothing else. To keep money out of passion you have to plan for it and set budgets-boring but true.

This brings me to the wedding itself. Again if you are planning a wedding do what you want for it and not what you feel you should. When I was 21 I married in a church and had the white wedding thing-I wouldn't do that now I did it then because it was expected. Now I would probably opt for what my eldest son did which was to marry in private. He did in America having met and fallen in love with an American girl. He had a wedding in Truckee, Nevada in the river. It's what he wanted so good luck to him it has started their dreams off together on the top of their mountain and I think they will survive because they have seen it as a dream and not as a tie.

When the children arrive things get tough. First the baby era when there is no sleep and it is a question of getting through- here there may be a financial crisis through loss of income .We had 4 babies in 8 years and lived on a tight budget. It was hard, probably our hardest years as I gave up work to look after them and to a certain extent felt trapped though I adored the babies and it was what I wanted.
We both found it hard but I feel the biggest challenge wasn't then because in a way you know why you feel down sometimes, it was when you come out of that era and wonder if you are still the same person yourself. This was a question of rekindling old loves and hobbies at the end of the nappy and toddler era. For some it is the hardest time because the financial demands become paramount. Running a busy home it is easy to forget you are still a person inside with hopes and dreams, for my husband at times he felt like all he was good for was DIY and going to work. For him it was harder than for me because I was still very much a full time mum but he was looking for his dreams maybe a few years earlier than me even though the children were our dearest dreams you can't live your life through them. You need to be your own person.

We saw this and went on some dates again and it soon became like the old days and laughter and closeness returned. We grew together again as we watched others drift apart and divorce.

So to anyone considering marriage I would say it has been the most precious part of my life. My husband is my best friend and my soul mate. We have lots of fun together and we enjoy doing things apart too. We have loved our extended families and friends, but have made ourselves and each other together with our children the priority, and we have compromised in many areas of life.

Marriage isn't easy but I believe it is better than the alternative because it is fun but you have to understand how to make it work.

We went away to celebrate our Silver Wedding a couple of years ago. We had a financial debate about where to go because with university fees bearing a heavy toll on our finances now we have higher education bills to pay we had to think hard. We decided that as it was a place we had both wanted to go to for many years we would take the plunge and book a week in the Maldives.

I have to tell you that I stood there looking out at the sea which was teaming with every kind of brightly coloured fish and thought we've made it this far. That evening our table and bed were decorated with red flower petals and on the way back to the room we looked up at the sky to see shooting stars all over the black canvas. I thought "yes it has been hard but I have been privileged to share my life with someone I adore."

So if you want to marry then good luck, cherish each other, and try it -but think about the points I have made because it is a compromise but one I wouldn't have missed for the world.

Summary: Marriage is a challenge but the rewards are endless.