Unique Union! (Marriage - Is it outdated?)

Member Name: Mad_Wicca

Product:	Marriage - Is it outdated?
Date:	20/02/02 (202 review reads)
Rating:

Advantages: See op!

Disadvantages: Mr Mad Wicca says there's none!

When I was 17 I met the man that I was going to marry. I didn’t know it at the time, and neither did he, but that’s life, full of unexpected surprises. So this future husband of mine asked me out and we dated for a while, split up, hated each other for about a year, didn’t see one another for a couple of years, got back in touch, became best friends, decided to share a flat together, fell in love again, got engaged and then married. It all sounds so quick doesn’t it? But this happened over a 7-year period, during which our lives took different paths, which sometimes crossed, reminding us that for all we seemed to fight against it something kept pulling us back together.

During the periods of time that we were apart we both saw other people, but I never came across another man like him, never felt that special connection that we seemed to have. When we did get back together it wasn’t with marriage in mind, in fact that was the furthest thing from both our minds. I always thought marriage was just a bit of paper and even if you had found ‘The One’ there was nothing wrong in just living together. Mr Mad Wicca had grown up with parents who had almost divorced when he was very young and then decided to stay together ‘for the sake of the children’, an arrangement that led to a rather dysfunctional family, which put him off marriage for life; or so he thought.

When we were sharing our flat together, taking our first tentative steps to becoming a couple again, we used to joke that if we were still single in 20 years we should marry each other. Then it was if we were still single in 10 years. Then 5. Then we just began to talk about what sort of wedding we would have, who we’d invite, how many bridesmaids etc. At the time most people didn’t even know we had become a couple again, so it came as quite a shock when Mr Mad Wicca asked my dad if he could marry me. My dad, being not unlike any othe
r father, asked all the usual ‘what are your prospects?’ type of questions and then said that he had no objects.

Now this little chat was going on unbeknownst to me, now that Mr Mad Wicca had decided to take the plunge he wanted to do it by the book, and so he had made his plan; ask my dad’s permission in the morning, propose to me when I got home from work in the afternoon and then over to his parents house for a meal with my parents, where we would announce the good news. Everything would have gone almost to plan if I hadn’t bumped into an old boyfriend in the street outside our flat when I came home. As I hadn’t seen this ex for a long time, and we had parted on friendly terms, we chatted for almost 2 hours. As we talked I kept noticing Mr Mad Wicca’s anxious face at the window, but as I didn’t know what was going on I didn’t think anything of it.

Eventually my ex and I said our goodbyes and I went into the flat, where Mr Mad Wicca confronted me on bended knee. When he popped the question I said yes at once, saying no never even entered my head; I just knew without a doubt that I wanted to marry him. I wanted to be his wife. Forever. Even after all I had said about marriage just being a piece of paper when Mr Mad Wicca said to me ‘will you marry me?’ I suddenly understood that it was more than that. It was taking the love, trust and respect we had for one another and making a solid, lifelong commitment. It felt totally and utterly the right thing to do. I loved this man with all my soul and I knew he felt exactly the same about me, we were meant to be together. He was ‘The One’.

Upon saying that he did go off to Canada for 2 weeks without me a few days after we became engaged, but it was to go to his cousins wedding (which has now ended in divorce) and had all been arranged for months before hand so I’ll let him off with that one! While he was away my very exc
ited mother and I began to plan the wedding. Mr Mad Wicca wanted a quiet affair, as he has a very small family, but my family is absolutely huge and there was no way we would be able to squeeze them all into a tiny registry office, and so a church do was settled on. Now at the time Mr Mad Wicca and I were not religious at all, and to me getting married in a church was more a case of finding a building big enough to fit our joint families into, rather than being married in the eyes of the lord. Seven years ago you could only marry in a church or a registry office and so it was size that dictated our venue more than anything else.

I must admit that all the wedding planning did seem to get out of control at one point. With 3 daughters, 2 of whom were single at the time, my mother saw this as possibly her only chance to have a huge, elaborate wedding. She wanted choirs, church bells, a lady singing whilst we signed the register, vintage cars, bridesmaids galore and tier upon tier of perfectly sculpted cake. I was not to think about money, my parents told me, I could have anything I wanted. What I wanted was a day that would include all my family and bring together both clans for a joyful celebration. The choir was out, the church didn’t have any bells, I put my foot down over the singer, the vintage car became a vintage taxi, I chose 4 bridesmaids, 2 from each family, and I got the cake down to 3 tiers.

A few months after I was to marry, my cousin was getting married, and so we were both planning our weddings at the same time. But I began to notice a strange rivalry creeping in, questions were asked about my wedding but she would never talk about her own. I didn’t view my wedding as a chance to simply see who could spend more money, or who had the best dress, the most bridesmaids, but it was becoming more obvious that that was how she was looking at it. What I wanted was to marry Mr Mad Wicca and have all our family around us to celebrate,
what she wanted was the expensive dress, the limousines, bridesmaids galore, the choir and the lady singing whilst they signed the register.

As it was we each had lovely wedding days, everyone enjoying themselves immensely at both. Afterwards my cousin and her husband had a baby within a year of being married, split up, and then got back together many times. Mr Mad Wicca and I made a decision not to start a family, neither of us being very child-orientated, and although we’ve had some quite drastic ups and downs it’s made us stronger as a couple. At the age of 19, I think my cousin just wanted a wedding day and all that goes with it without thinking about what happens when the wedding day is over. I wanted to make a commitment to Mr Mad Wicca and wouldn’t have cared if we’d married at the local rubbish tip wearing potato sacks with no one present; it was everything that comes after the wedding day that I was looking forward to.

Now I’m not trying to say that my marriage is any better than my cousins, but my point (yes there is one!) is that my cousin and I are two very different people and therefore we have very different marriages. And this applies to everyone else in the world; you can’t judge what marriage is by the married couples you know, we’re all individuals and therefore every marriage is unique. Some will last forever; others won’t even make it through their first year.

Regardless of this, marriage does not seem to be going out of style, even though people have more freedom to live together or have children whilst not being married without it being frowned upon; but I have to tell you that this really isn’t a sign of our times. My grandfather was the youngest of 14 children and the only one born within wedlock, his parents living together and having children for many years before they married. People knew they weren’t married and they were not castigated for it, and thi
s was at the beginning of the last century! So it really has been going on for far longer than you think.

Today the divorce rate may be higher than it was 20 or 30 years ago, but divorce was seen as being very socially unacceptable for a long time. Now I think we are beginning to realise that, for a number of reasons, marriages do not always work, and couples should be allowed to go their separate ways. I don’t think we should be making divorce harder for people, if you’re going through it; it’s probably hard enough already. I believe that as long as a couple have really tried to make their marriage work, not just thrown the towel in at the first sign of discord, and yet it has become intolerable for both, then they should be allowed to seek a divorce.

One change I would like to see in the future is a change in the British marriage laws that will allow gay and lesbian couples to marry, with all the legal rights heterosexual couples enjoy. The Scottish Parliament has introduced the Adults with Incapacity Act 2000, which gives next-of-kin rights to same sex couples, and countries such as The Netherlands, Denmark, Norway, Sweden, Iceland, France, Germany, Spain Switzerland, Belgium and parts of Canada and the USA now recognise same sex marriages. Love goes beyond the boundaries of gender and I believe we should reflect this in our marriage laws.

In today’s society people are not automatically expected to marry when they reach a certain age, choosing to live together is just as acceptable. And this is as it should be, whatever is right for you. I did both, lived with him then married him, and for me that was the right thing to do. I did feel totally different when I married Mr Mad Wicca but I can’t for the life of me put this feeling into words, and believe me I’ve tried! What I can tell you though is that I love being married, we love, trust and respect one another one hundred percent. We communicate openly
and constantly, holding nothing back from each other, any problems are worked through and, although some find this hard to believe, arguments are very few and far between. Spiritually we are two halves that fit together perfectly to make one.

There is a Norwegian proverb, which says ‘That which is love is always beautiful.’ As long as you have that beauty of love in your life then whichever style of relationship you embark upon will be blessed.

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