Is marriage alive? (Marriage - Is it outdated?)

Member Name: kimgraham

Product:	Marriage - Is it outdated?
Date:	08/10/02 (158 review reads)
Rating:

Advantages: security

Disadvantages: hard work!

I have read many contrasting opinions on this subject over the last few months and decided that I might put in my two-penneth.

I have been married and also co-habited for a long time, so can see this from both points of view. I was married for eight years and immediately on leaving the marriage co-habited for 11 years. In some respects there is very little difference, so is there any point in taking the plunge?

It is easy to consider that marriage comes from a religious standpoint. Others would say that it is only a piece of paper. I would not agree with either of those views.

I believe that the role of marriage has changed significantly over the last 40 odd years. Society has changed almost beyond recognition and marriage, like many other things has changed in order to conform to new sets of values. Whether or not this is a good thing, I am not entirely sure!

Originally marriage was there to provide a medium for the secure procreation of children. It provided stability and security for the woman and was perhaps a career in it's own right for many women. With the dawning of adequate contraception it was not so necessary to preserve virginity for the marriage bed. Of course, there were always those who didn't, often with disastrous consequences for the poor girl!

The contraceptive pill gave women a choice, and from then onwards marriage began slowly to change. As society has "progressed" there is no longer the stigmatism of illegitimacy or divorce, although divorce can still cause discomfort socially, almost more so than illegitimacy. Believe me, I have been there with both, and I know what has been worse for me in some respects!

Marriage has also been weakened by the ease with which you can now obtain a divorce. My divorce went through on the nod, but I didn't fight it, believing it to be the only option for both of us. This is not an opinion about why my marriage did not work, but it shoul
d never have happened
in the first place. I had very strong religious views at the time and married in the Holy Roman Church! I therefore, did not take leaving it lightly.

There is no doubt that religion still plays a large part in the fabric of some marriages. In my view, marriage is not only for the religious. It is about commitment and celebration and a couple saying to the rest of the world i.e. friends and family, yes, this person is the most important in my life. This is not confined to the religious. Perhaps couples with religious convictions might try harder if they truly believe there is never a reason to dissolve the marriage. I suspect these are now in the minority in Britain.

Now that divorce is so much more straightforward and the stigma has largely gone, does this mean that some couples go into marriage without thinking it through? Do they perhaps keep at the back of their mind the "get out clause" and broach marriage with less commitment than they would have done 40 years ago? These days life does not necessarily mean life. And I wonder whether that as an institution it is weakened in many cases before it even starts?

Our expectations have changed. If we expect marriage to be a continuum of hearts, flowers, lust etc then we are deluding ourselves. Some lucky people seem to manage it, and my parents seem to still be besotted with each other after 51 years of marriage, but for perhaps 15 years in the middle, it was a terrible marriage. Maybe this goes to show that if you stick at it and keep working at it that things come back round! Any long-term relationship has to be worked at and this applies to co-habiting in exactly the same way. I will come on to co-habiting briefly in a minute.

Relationships evolve with time, they ebb and flow like the tide. To make any relationship work you have to learn to live with the negative side of things as well as the positive, and to go with the flow. You can't a
lways expect your relationship to be a hotbed of lust, it probably won't be. Love changes as it develops and can become like a comfortable pair of slippers. This means that sometimes you have to work harder to keep romance alive. Lust can lessen for some couples but generally you can re-stoke the furnace if you really want to! Other couples never seem to have this problem. In any relationship friendship and trust are the foundation stone on which to build. If you can keep this strong then you have a very good chance of success.
Here speaks the oracle with two failed relationships! It is very easy to be wise after the event!


The more I have thought about this, the more I have come to realise that there is in some respects very little difference in the reasons why marriages or live-in relationships might fail.

I think that expectations are too high, and with easy divorce (or no marriage in the first place) it is far too easy to jump ship. Some people go into marriage not necessarily expecting it to last for life. I find that quite sad, let's be disillusioned later, please! I wonder whether we are all prepared to work less at our relationships because we know there is an easy escape route? Marriages are more strained these days as we all have so many more pressures and more hectic lifestyles. It is all too easy to lose sight of what really matters and to lose out on quality time with our partners.

We are all prepared to put up with less. Sometimes, as in the case of violence, this is a very good thing. We all make such a fuss about adultery. There is no doubt that having an unfaithful partner is enormously painful. I know, my ex is a serial womaniser! It isn't new, though. Adultery has been with us since time immemorial. Previously it was swept under the carpet, and, if not exactly accepted, then at least it was kept quiet about and often did not really threaten the fabric of the marriage. Now, we have a choice whether o
r not to accept this, or violence or any other form of abuse, come to that. For me, these would really be the only reasons for leaving a marriage without trying really hard.


Forty years ago most women married for the financial security " a meal ticket," if you like. Career women were far fewer and women made a career out of marrying and raising children.
These days most women could manage without a partner. It is obviously better for children to be raised in a stable home with two parents, but I do not believe that marriage is necessarily essential. The pendulum has, perhaps, swung too far the other way, and I know many women who would love to stay at home and look after their children, but have to work due to the huge financial burdens we all carry these days.

I have managed to raise four children as a single parent with next to no maintenance. I was fortunate enough to have a good job, so I did not feel the need to find another man upon the breakdown of my co-habiting relationship six years ago. It means that I developed a very independent streak that I certainly did not have either whilst married or co-habiting. Whether or not this is a good thing remains to be seen!

One big difference, then, is that 50 years ago women really needed to marry. Now there is much more choice. Alleluia!

Co-habiting seems to work for many people. It didn't really for me, as I felt far too insecure. I felt that if he really cared he would do more about it. I had no real rights and didn't get a penny out of the house that I had spent my money on and kept up for 11 years. My partner had always been very careful that whatever money I handed over never went on the mortgage. This hugely weakened my position. We had a child, so he has to pay something for her, but doesn't very often! I was lucky, I was able to escape and buy a house in my own right. It is a struggle, but we get by.
We were supposed to be getting married
at one time, but he omitted to divorce his first wife. I believe he is still legally married to her now!


Interestingly, I always felt more married to him than I ever did my "real" husband.

Some people will say that co-habiting is better as you can get out easily without the trauma of a divorce. I would not agree with that. I found dissolving my live-in relationship infinitely more painful than my divorce. I also felt cheated of not having a tangible end to the whole affair. I wanted to be able to say, " I want a divorce", just to make me feel better. On one occasion, like a complete idiot, I did!! If there are children born to co-habitees, then any break up makes little difference, other than not having to legally dissolve a marriage, obviously. The financial and security implications are different, too.

I wonder whether the marriage/ co-habiting choice is a generational thing? These days most people seem comfortable with both. I think the more middle aged of us probably are a little more uncertain, I am convinced that my co-habiting relationship was weakened due to my insecurity about not being able to be married. Marriage was indoctrinated to us as the norm when growing up and I was growing up during the swinging sixties and seventies, so there were very mixed messages! Perhaps if I were young now, my views would be different, I suspect they would, but we are all a product of our upbringing.

I also wonder whether some people marry for the ceremony, regardless of whether it takes place in a church or registry office. I think that the deregulation of wedding venues has gone a long way to getting rid of the hypocrisy of some church weddings. That is a very good thing. Marriage is a commitment and a celebration of love and if that is what people want then it is only right that they can do so in a way that is meaningful to them. This often does not involve God. If it does, great, but it is most important
that it has a deep meaning to the couple.

Perhaps there should be an alternative ceremony for cohabite
es, who might want to show some extra level of commitment without tying the proverbial knot.

So, is marriage outdated? No, I don't think so. There will always be those couples that want the commitment and security. If that is what is right for you, then it cannot be outdated, even if it has changed over the years. It is nice that there are alternatives now, and that people don't have to take such a big step if they do not feel ready.

I do not believe that either is the only choice, what suits one might not suit another. Also, at different stages of your life you may need different things.
There must be a lot of people with faith in marriage as an institution as many people do still marry, quite a few more than once!

I strongly believe that there will always be a need for it, for very many people.

Do I believe in it? Oh, probably, I have friends and family with very successful marriages. I just married the wrong man. We all make mistakes!

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