Little worm, big hook? Advice on how to craft the perfect groom's speech (Members Guide to Planning your Wedding)

Member Name: clownfoot

Product:	Members Guide to Planning your Wedding
Date:	17/07/08 (318 review reads)
Rating:

Advantages: Sage like advice...

Disadvantages: ...from a clueless numpty!!

LITTLE WORM, BIG HOOK? ADVICE ON HOW TO CRAFT THE PERFECT GROOM'S SPEECH

There are some ideas for the perfect wedding that are beyond genius. One such ideal would be a Star Wars themed big day. Miss Clowny would walk down the aisle to the Imperial Death March; the Best Men would be suited as Storm Troopers; R2 would fire the rings out of the hatch where Luke's lightsaber is usually deployed; and Jar Jar would conduct the ceremony spouting quality dialogue along the lines of "do yousa taker thisa a woman to be your lawful wedded wifey"? When you add a first dance of 'Peaches' by the Presidents of the United States of America, whereby Mrs Clowny and I have to fend off three ninjas that attack us a good two thirds through the song (hint: watch the music video of this track on youtube) with kung-fu, and you've pretty much got the perfect wedding experience.

Alas, I was denied these essential elements for the 'perfect wedding'. Mrs Clowny (as she is now referred), you see, happens to be relatively normal and not a clueless goof, controlling the preparations of her big day with an iron fist and curtailing any acts of silliness before they could sprout legs and run off over the horizon. That is, of course, all except the wedding speech! With the future wife not around to pull the strings or tell me what I could or could not include in the preparation of my script, you would expect it to have been a scene of beautifully serene silliness and hilarity. But there's just one problem with such an ideal. One's daftness may work well on the written page (or in one's fragile little mind), but projecting oneself as an affable idiot to your most upstanding family and friends is tantamount to wedding suicide.

Think about it for a minute. Even the brilliance of the Imperial Death March booming out on the organ will have many of your guests whispering "what the hell?" to each other. Sure, a few people (okay, a few fellow geeks) will undoubtedly understand your genius, tell you its brilliant, and chuckle away with giddy delight, but many will simply be stroking their chins in bemusement, think you an idiot for ruining Miss Clowny's big day and, most importantly, will plan to outdo your wedding of bizarre moments in the future by undertaking something much more simple and traditional. Indeed, there's good reason why a traditional wedding is called a traditional wedding. It bloody works! And that is where all future grooms should be directed when establishing the starting point for their speech. In one sense you are playing to a particular audience and by excluding the majority from your in-jokes, you are denying them participation in your own crowning glory; your moment in the limelight. In other words, you're creating a hecklers paradise. Which. Is. Not. Good!

So, what do you do? Well, who am I to tell you? I've only done this thing once and am not really looking to do it again, no matter how well the speech actually went on the big day. Most of us will only get one crack at this, so unless you're a serial divorcee who constantly re-marries, few can really speak from masses of experience. But I found the following approaches and an iota of common sense (stop laughing at the back) ensured the groom's speech was received in a way that made all the female guests feel that they want to be with you and all the male guests want to be you, at least for a couple of seconds in your lifetime...

First off, keep it simple. Avoid elongated lengthy sentences and more technical language as what sounds good on the page doesn't necessarily work when speaking out loud. Ideally, practice reading your script out loud to yourself, possibly in front of a mirror, on numerous occasions beforehand. You may feel a little bit of an oddball doing so, but it ensures that you can identify any nasty tongue twisters or poorly conceived alliteration that would be missed if only reading through the content in the back of your mind. In many ways this is a key part of the speech - no audience wants to see the groom stumble over heartfelt meanderings because they haven't taken the time to read and adjust their script appropriately. Also, by keeping the language short and punchy, it means you will less frequently lose your place when reading the dialogue from cue cards or a written script.

Secondly, don't let anyone tell you how best to read your speech. Some prefer cue cards, others prefer several pieces of paper written in a large Tahoma font, few like the technical aspects of a Powerpoint presentation, fewer still have the confidence simply to wing it. Either way do what you feel most comfortable with. It's important that you're relaxed before the speech and a good way of keeping relaxed is not having to worry too much about your method of delivery. If you're technically incompetent don't let anyone persuade you to use Powerpoint. The last thing you want is the laptop or projector to die on you midway through the speech! Likewise, if you have difficulty reading because of poor eyesight, print off your speech in a much larger font size so that you can see the content in a way that best suits you.

Like a drink? The bar is open all night, so why feel the need to drink before the speech. The demon juice and the beer monkeys are two prime candidates in ruining an otherwise well worded and well prepared speech, so its best to lay off the booze until after the speech. Sure, have a glass of wine with the wedding breakfast and the bucks fizz at the reception - you'll need something in you to make you feel that little more brave, but don't over do it. No one wants to see the groom make an arse of himself as he mumbles in his own drool how much he loves everyone. It may be memorable, but it's memorable for all the wrong reasons.

Perhaps the most difficult thing with the speech is gauging the audience's reaction and knowing when to stop speaking when people are laughing, and at what point to continue. Hopefully, by the time you're in the middle of the speech and in the 'zone' this should come naturally, but it's worth being aware of how you are sounding to the audience throughout. No one wants to see you rush through the speech just so you can get it over and done with. The bar will remain open all night - don't worry! If people are laughing, let them laugh. This is a good time to look up at your guests, smile and compose yourself, before continuing on with the next line when silence resumes. It is quite pointless to continue speaking while people are still applauding and the like, as they will not actually hear how the next sentence begins. So be patient, breath slowly (easier said than done in such a situation, I know) and take your time in your pitched delivery, especially when the audience laughs unexpectedly at a point you were not expecting laughter. Don't plough on. Resume in your own calculated time. Such an approach will see you exude confidence from every pore in your body, much to the satisfaction of your inebriated guests.

Other than that make sure the content is appropriate. Don't try to include too many gags - that's the Best Man's job, and the downfall of a groom's speech is having too many jokes that no one laughs at. Who cares if no one laughs at your Best Man's speech - by that point its no longer your problem. Your speech should be the subtle one; the one that thanks the guests, parents, parents-in-law and bridesmaids for being there to celebrate your big day. A joke here or there that fits into the many thank you's will go down well. Did your old man pay for you to have a four year piss up at University? Mention it along with a few grateful platitudes about his support in your burgeoning years and people will chuckle. If you can find that balance between sincere and tender content and a couple of jokes that don't stick out like a sore thumb, a good speech is in the making.

Whatever you do though, make sure you mention the new wife! And not just in that now typical fashion at the beginning of the speech when you shout out how gorgeous she is looking. Something at the end, which describes how much you love her and brings a tear to her eye, will end your speech on an emphatic high. What to say? Well that's best left in the hands of the groom who, by now, should know their better half better than anyone else in the world. What makes them tick? What's their favourite song or favourite film? These things can be used to craft something meaningful that will ensure the wedding night is one to remember. I used a line from Miss Clowny's favourite BBC costume drama 'Pride and Prejudice' and went on to compare myself to a man of good fortune - likewise, use something the bride will appreciate as it shows you really are listening to her whilst playing on the old X-Box! Of course, don't say 'you complete me' as it's a sick bag inducing movie platitude that will make everyone fell like punching you in the kidney's. There's a fine line between sincerity and contrived meaningless bollocks. Neither mention the word 'annulment', and not even in a jokey way. You'll only get stifled laughter as people question whether the groom really did just say that particular word...

But most of all enjoy the limelight. The groom's speech on your wedding day is your moment of glory, and unless your family and friends are utter bastards (which begs the question why exactly did you invite them) no one guest will want to see you fail. Indeed, you may have the butterflies preceding that moment, but once the Master of Ceremonies introduces you to your guests and they cheer and clap for what seems an eternity, causing the hairs on your neck to stand on end as the adrenaline flows, you will suddenly have the confidence to deliver a speech no one will soon forget. And with it, in a bizarre twist of fate that features neither Star Wars or Indie rocking ninjas, that moment seals what should be one of the happiest days of your life.

Good luck, men...

Summary: Advice on making a groom's speech..