***Tales Of The Bra-Less Bum-Shuffler*** (Most Embarrassing Moments)

Member Name: hellyphant

Product:	Most Embarrassing Moments
Date:	31/05/02 (4456 review reads)
Rating:

Advantages: Someone out there might get a laugh out of my horrible experiences

Disadvantages: Poor embarrased me with a very red face

I feel very brave letting you peek into my world of cringeworthy moments. The things I do for dooyoo...(<cough> and my wallet)...

I always seem to find myself in embarrassing situations and as my skin is of the pale variety when I'm embarrassed, rest assured, you'll know about it. Wherever you are. Australia, Saudi Arabia, The North Pole, or even The Moon - my face, burning red, and various shades of purple will be glowing for all to see.

I could quite easily write about at least 100 of my most embarrassing moments, but I don't want to bore you all too much. You might damage your computer when your yawning head finally submits to crashing out on the keyboard. And that would never do. I could be sued by all you dooyooers. And I'm poor. I still have student loans to pay off and my luxurious lifestyle doesn't come cheap you know.

Most of my embarrassing moments happened when I was a little school-girl with long white pulled up socks and pig tails. (oooh, what a nice image I'm giving you)

When I was about 14, me and my best friend at the time used to spend our lunchtimes hiding in the school toilets. It sounds very sad looking back now - and just reading that sentence makes me cringe. But it was more a case of escaping the cold outdoors, and an opportunity to chat and gossip without being disturbed than actually physically hiding behind the sink or crouching next to a smelly toilet.

On the particular lunchtime in question, my friend had annoyed me. I can't remember why - she just had a tendency to do so sometimes. Maybe she was a naturally annoying person or maybe I was just an irritable teenager. Probably a bit of both. Anyway, she was in the toilet doing her business and I was leaning out of the open window watching some 1st years play rounders in the playground. We were the only people in the toilets. I heard someone come up behind me, and assumed it was my friend so didn't bother turni
ng round. This 'person' came and stood next to me, "Look at those stupid 1st years" I said "They can't even play rounders properly". My elbow was then nudged and I was pushed sidways so the 'person' could see what I was looking at. I had probably had PMT or something because I went mad. "Do you MIND" I shrieked. "Can you not b***** well push me like that!" I then dug my nails into the persons arm (god, I was an evil child!) and pushed her out of my way.

I still hadn't turned round. But my outburst had obviously had an effect as the presence next to me disappeared and I heard the click of high heels march angrily out of the toilets and the door bang shut. The sound of these heels made me turn round in confusion. My friend didn't wear heels. She was standing by the sink with a smirk on her face. "That was the headteacher, you idiot" she said.

I nearly died. I was very shy and quiet at school and couldn't believe that I had just dug my nails into the headteacher's arm. She must have been too shocked to say anything, because she never ever mentioned it and I never got into any trouble. That's the best thing about being shy - you get away with everything ;o)

***

If I remember correctly it was only a couple of weeks later that my next embarrassing moment occurred - yet another case of mistaken identity!

I used to walk around school in a bit of a daze, my thoughts usually a million miles away from algebra and irregular verbs. And I was in one of my dazes when I walked into my form room one registration, DIDN'T NOTICE that someone was sitting on my chair (yes, I know it's unbelievable) and just pulled it out from behind the table, throwing the person sitting there into a heap on the floor. Of course it couldn't just have been a member of my class. Oh no. It had to be Mrs Lewis, the dreaded Textiles teacher - with a very very
bad temper. And there she was sprawled on the floor, her skirt askew, her legs akimbo. And I was the one who put here there. Oh the shame! She should have been the one more embarrassed, thinking back on it, but it was me who turned a shocking red.

***

Ok, be warned, this is a grosse one so feel free to skip over it - I won't be hurt. Honest. I was young - about 12 - although old enough to know better to be honest. I had a slight bladder control problem at the time and I was on my way home from school one day when I felt the urge like a sudden rush through my body. I tried to run into a secluded little alley I knew but I didn't make it in time. And it all just came out, dripping down my skirt and soaking my white socks. There was no one around at the time but I still had to walk down my road to get home. Which meant skulking through hoards of primary school kids and their extensive families and prams and dogs. All the little brats pointed at me and laughed hysterically and the parents just sneered in utter disgust. Yes, I really did want to die.

***

Moving away from school now, and having grown up a little (but not much), I had a very recent embarrassing moment. Which was more like an entire day of embarrassment than a 60 second thing. Now, I'm not blessed with the largest of breasts. But sometimes this can be a good thing. Unless it's summer and I'm wearing a very thin top or I'm going out somewhere special, I don't wear a bra at the weekend. My boyfriend hates it (well, if we're going out he does). But I know it's almost impossible to tell, especially if I'm wearing a jumper and a coat.

I'd just had a week of work and it was Monday morning and as usual, I was in a mad rush. I just threw my clothes on and dashed to the bus stop. It wasn't until I was on the train that I realised I was feeling a little too comfortable. I felt my shoulder -no bra strap. ARGHHHH. I was on
my way to WORK (at a religious secondary school no less ) and I wasn't wearing a bra!!!. I only had a fairly tight, thin top on aswell, as it was quite a warm day. The entire day was a complete nightmare. No one said anything, because they just wouldn't. But the school is quite cold and the heating doesn't work properly, so every time I felt a shiver I had to quickly fold my arms. I must have looked a right freak, walking round all day with my arms folded.

***

I?m 25 and really it's about time I started to look older than a 15-year-old schoolgirl. But my looks just won't change. And the more makeup I put on, the more clownlike I look. I just can't win. And being a short little shrimp doesn't really help matters much either. The only good thing about looking so young is being able to pay child fare on the buses. Or so I thought...

About a year ago I made a weekend trip back to my home town of Birmingham. On the Saturday morning I decided to have a wander around town. So off I went to catch the bus, clutching my child fare in my hand. I paid without any problems (as usual) and went to sit down. A couple of stops later, a conductor got on the bus. I just carried on looking out of the window thinking of shiny new shoes and tight trousers that I'd never be able to squeeze into. Then I felt a tap on my shoulder.

"'scuse me miss, can I see your ticket?"
"Sure" <<waved ticket >>
"Child fare?!?!?"
"Um...yes... I'm a child"

But I realised with horror and shame that he didn't look as though he believed me. By this point, the entire bus (which was very crowded) had stopped talking and everyone was listening with cocked up ears.

"Date of birth?"

All I could think of was my sister's date of birth. Of course I'd forgotten that she'd just had her 16 birthday. Doh!!!

"Could you
step off the bus please miss"

I was so embarrased I don?t know how I managed to put one foot in front of the other.

The worst thing was when I actually had to tell the conductor the truth about my age. And he laughed.

***

A couple of years ago I had an interview in quite a posh office in Covent Garden. I really wanted to get the job, even though it would only be reception work, because I'd been unemployed for nearly 2 months and was getting quite desperate for money. I'd got really dressed up in a posh work suit and heels and even wore red lipstick in an attempt to look sophisticated. Ok, so it didn't work, but at least I made the effort. Anyway, it was a really really hot day in August and by the time I arrived in Covent Garden I was melting. Sweat was pouring down my face, my makeup had dribbled everywhere and my eyes looked as though someone had punched me. My blouse was completely soaking and I just looked like a complete tramp. But I needed this job - I couldn't let my appearance stand in my way. So I pretended to be confident and knocked briskly on the door.

They had my CV on the table in the interview room and the first thing they did (they being several very scary academic looking business men) was pound me with questions about my qualifications and future ambitions. "So, what would be your ideal job?" I was asked.

Well, at the time I was interested in proof reading. I thought it would mean just spending all day reading really good novels and correcting a few mistakes here and there. So that's what I told them.

They coughed very loudly. "So - your ideal job would be proof reading would it?"

"um...yes?" My voice was getting quieter and quieter and my face redder and redder.

"Well, for a start, you really should demonstrate this so-called 'passion' of yours - by PROOF READING YOUR ACTUAL CV!!!. There are
numerous spelling mistakes here. In fact, you can?t even spell Geography!"

Oh, how I ran out of that office. I broke a heel on the way out, but I didn't care. I was busy digging myself a very deep hole.

***

When I was at uni, my 2 closest friends were total health freaks so I was constantly being dragged down to the uni sports centre for torturous sessions of Step Aerobics and Tums and Bums. One of the exercises we learnt in Tums and Bums was the hysterical bum walk, which basically involves sitting on the floor and shuffling across the room shifting your weight from one bum cheek to the other, whilst resisting the urge to put your hands or feet down for support. I dare you to try it - it hurts like hell - and makes you look like a complete freak.

Now when you're one of 20 others bum walking across the gym floor, you do, admittedly feel silly, but you're not alone, so it's not too bad. Especially if you keep thinking of the lovely toned bottom a few moments of silliness is going to get you (the aerobic instructor's words - not mine!)

One weekend I was at home and very bored, so I thought I'd do a spot of bum walking in the living room. There was no one else in the house, so I assumed it would be safe. Now for some reason, (maybe because I thought I'd get hot and sweaty or because I wanted to feel those muscles working), I decided to take my trousers off and bum shuffle in my tatty old knickers.

I turned on my mum's Rosemary Colleny (sorry, don't know the right spelling) exercise video for suitable background music and off I went. I was at it for about 5 minutes when I heard a noise at the window. I assumed it was just my cat jumping on the window sill and carried on shuffling and wiggling my bum cheeks to the beat of Phil Collins.

Then I heard a snigger. I swung myself and my shuffled out bum round, and to my horror, squashed against the window was the smirk
ing face of the window cleaner. He winked at me in a supposedly knowing manner and raised one eyebrow suggestively at my scantily clad bum. I gave him a filthy, withering look and ran out of the room in shameful disgrace.

That was the last time I did the bum walk!

***

Then of course there was the time a different window cleaner caught an eye full of me completely naked after I'd just had a bath, and the time my mum discovered a Mills and Boon style story I had started writing...

Oh, I could just go on and on...

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